The Softer Side of Unbearable

"Ready to go?"

Bailey looked up to find Matt standing over her. She was wrapped up in a thick blanket on Josh's couch. "No," she murmured, cuddling down further into her cocoon.. "I'm scared. I haven't been there since Christmas Eve."

"You need to face it sometime. Besides, Josh said that Spencer's mom really wanted you to be there."

"Fine. I'll go."

"I would have liked a little more enthusiasm, but I'll take what I can get."

Matt waited patiently while Bailey got up off of the couch and attempted to make herself look presentable. She threw her hair up into a messy ponytail and threw a sweater over her tank top. She wasn't worried about changing out of her sweat pants or applying any makeup; everyone else there would be looking just as terrible as she was. Except for Matt. He was looking pretty good. Maybe it was because he'd actually been able to sleep for the past few days.

Bailey had been having nightmares every since Spencer died. She awoke every night, gasping for breath. It wasn't that the dreams were frightening, exactly, it was that they were painful. They didn't consist of figments of her imagination. Instead, they were her favorite memories of Spencer. Every night it was a different memory, but it always ended the same. She could never seem to fall back asleep after wards.

Matt drove to Spencer's apartment and cut the engine. The two of them sat in the truck for a long moment, and Bailey tried to pull herself together just enough to be able to face the day before her.

As soon as she felt ready, she got out of the car before she could second guess herself. She strode purposefully inside and up the stairs toward the apartment. The hallways felt different; lonely. There was no promise of a friendly face anywhere within these walls.

She stepped into the apartment and was hit with a wave of nausea. Everything was exactly as it had been the last time she'd been here. The Christmas decorations were perfectly in place, and the sweater she'd given him was still draped across the back of the sofa. She reached out for something that could steady her. Her hand rested on Matt's arm, and he tried to offer her support.

"He should still be here," she whispered. "This is still his apartment."

"Are you okay?" Matt shifted his grip on her arm and spun her around to face him. "Look at me, Bailey. I'm here to help."

"I can't be here. It hurts, Matt. It hurts so bad."

His hand grazed her cheek and he waited patiently for her to look him in the eye. When she finally did, he spoke softly. "The sooner we get to work, the sooner we can go back to Josh's. Then you won't have to come here again."

"I won't have the option to."

"But you won't have the need to, either."

Bailey closed her eyes for a long moment. "I miss having the need to be here. This apartment was my home. I never went to my real apartment. I was always here."

"I'm sure you could always rent this place out if you-"

"No," she interrupted him. "Maybe someday, but I couldn't do that right now." After a moment, she looked back up at him. "Thank you, Matt. I really appreciate you being here right now. I couldn't have worked up the courage to come here alone, and I'm sorry that I'm not making it easy on you."

Matt shook his head slightly and hugged her tightly. "This isn't an easy situation, Bailey. I didn't come here expecting it to be fun and games. I know I don't really seem like the type of guy that is serious very often, but I want to be here. I want to help you, okay?"

"Oh, Bailey, you're here," Kendra stopped short as she appeared in the hallway, wiping her eyes. "Good. I'd like your help in the bedroom, if that's alright."

Bailey pulled away from Matt. "Yeah, of course. This is Matt. I hope it's okay that I brought him along to help. Apparently I'm a danger to myself when I'm alone these days."

Kendra dusted her hands off on her pants before extending an arm toward Matt. "It's nice to meet you. I'm Kendra. I'm Spencer's mother. His father and brothers are all on their way here right now, so I'm sure you'll meet them too. You can join Bailey and I in the bedroom if you want, or you could start in the kitchen."

The three of them made their way back down the short hallway to the only bedroom in the small apartment. Bailey opened the closet doors as Kendra pulled open the dresser drawers. As soon as Bailey took a second to look at all that was gathered before her, a choked sob got stuck in her throat. Instantly, Matt was by her side.

She reached out and began taking her own belongings off of the shelf that had been designated as hers. "I told you this was home," she whispered as she began dropping her clothing into a box.

Matt reached past her and pulled a box down off of the top shelf. "I feel kind of awkward going through all of his stuff," he muttered as he pulled off the lid. "Hey, Bailey, I think you should see this."

Bailey abandoned her shelf of clothes and looked over his shoulder. She gasped. Inside of the box was every published article ever written about Antagonist Theory. Underneath the papers, there was various pieces of the band's merchandise, and the original tapes from Spencer's video camera that he'd used to film the band on tour. He was planning to compile them to make a documentary for Bailey. At the very bottom of the box, there was a familiar looking Manila envelope with her name on it. It contained the album artwork that he'd prepared for her.

"I... just give me one minute," she strode quickly out of the room and pushed her way out onto the balcony. A blast of icy air collided with her lungs, and she breathed deeply. After a few moments of silence, she heard someone approaching her from behind. She didn't have to look back to know that it was Matt. "I didn't know that he had all of that stuff. I didn't know just how much he was supporting me. I never let him buy our merch. I gave him all the posters and Cd's and stuff that he actually showed around the apartment. He must have bought the other stuff online. And the interviews and articles? I don't even think my mom kept all of those."

"He really wanted you to succeed, and I think he wanted to feel like he was playing a part in it," Matt leaned against the railing beside her and stared out at the city.

"He played a bigger part in it than someone who just buys our merch. He's the one that really convinced me that it was worth pursuing my dream."

"I won't pretend that I understand how you feel right now."

"That's pretty much the nicest thing that I've heard since he died. Everyone else tries to relate to me, even though they have no reason to. I'm really glad that you're not trying to do that. I'd much rather hear you say what you just did than hear you tell me that you've been there before, or that you get it. I don't think that anybody really gets it." She looked over at him, squinting slightly due to the sunlight in her eyes. "So thank you."

"You know, you keep thanking me, but there's no reason for it. It's not valid."

"Why not?"

"You've got a lot on your plate right now. I'm just being a friend and trying to help lighten the load a bit."

The silence settled around them, but was broken by the various sounds of the city bustling around them. Even though Bailey felt like her world had stopped, it was clear that the rest of the world didn't agree.

"I think I'm ready to go back in there," she said slowly. "There's a lot of work to do, and I can't let Kendra do it all alone. This is really hard for her, too. And it'll be hard on the boys when they get here. I think we should just try and get it done as soon as we can."

"Alright," Matt stood up straight and held the patio door open for her. "Let's get to it."