Breaking the Habit

My story starts with a boy, how cliche. It started last year when I was fourteen.

His name was Joseph and he was a year older than me. He wasn't so much the looker, but he had a great personality and he could actually tell when I was upset without anyone saying anything. Which is an amazing quality among the guys I know. And he knew almost everything about me. He knew my insecurities, my fears, he knew I was scared to trust after my ex used me to gain a bit of cash, but he still held my trust and confidence. So I kinda liked him for the best part of 2 terms and then everything happened at once.

My parents were busy working on a court case and making sure another one wasn't happening, leaving no time to worry about me. And when they did, it was only to pressure me about school and telling me to work harder when I was already trying. My best friend told me he loved me and that he had tried suicide several times and had depression. My other best friend was having her heart torn in half by Joseph and Joseph was going on about how he was getting abused by his father, suicidal and had no reason to live.

In my group of friends, most of them come to me with their problems because I always listen to them. I always try to help and I'm always there for them. So I had everyone coming to me with their problems and I was trying to deal with them while trying to sort out my own.

Then the best night of my life happened. Joseph told me he loved me and gave me my first kiss after my first slow dance. I felt like I was on cloud 9 and I felt so...happy. But then I came back to Earth with a bump as I remembered that Shaneka loved Joseph as well and how Jordan loved me. Shaneka had given me her blessing though and later that day Joseph asked me out. I should have said no, but he told me to be selfish for once so I said yes. I now wish I'd said no.

Anyway, we'd been dating for a few days when I found something out, my other best friend, Chloe, and another friend, Holly, liked Joseph as well. I should have ended it there and then, but I didn't. Jordan pretended everything was okay, and told me not to be upset, but I couldn't help it. He was my best friend and I'd hurt him, no matter how many times he denied it, I knew the truth. I told myself I was a terrible friend and I should die, but that was nothing compared to what was to come.

A few weeks went past and then Joseph broke up with me. We hadn't been dating very long, but it had been enough for me to fall head over heels for him. And I could have taken that fine, a bit sad of course, but I would've stayed totally cut free. But then I found out he lied to me, and used me. That's what sent me over the edge.

He had turned me against Holly, lying to me by saying that she blackmailed him, when really he had loved her since the start of grade 8. And I found out he was using me as rebound for his previous girlfriend. I felt so hurt. It was then I knew how much I meant to him. I've always thought of myself as a useless, worthless freak but Joseph had started to change that. Only slightly, but enough. I had begun to think maybe I wasn't such a freak. Maybe, just maybe, I might not be useless or worthless. But then he yanked me out of my stupid fantasy land and slammed me back to the ground so hard I broke.

That day I went home, my parents were working and for the first time ever I cut. I was surprised, Joseph had told me that cutting helped and it took away pain, and I'd read about it here on Mibba, but I thought it was kind of silly in principle, how could pain take away other pain? But I found out that it worked. I cut several times that night.

The next day I had to face Joseph with Holly. I had to watch them make out the whole lunch and I had to sit next to him in class which was almost unbearable. What was the hardest was Joseph talked non-stop about her, how much he loved her, how he thought she was so beautiful and about how "he'd tap that".

A bit more time passed and I felt empty. I'd lock myself in my room and just...sit there. For the first time in my life, music did nothing for me. It didn't cheer me up or fill up the big empty hole tearing away at me. My only emotions came from cutting, and that scared me. But I could do nothing about that. I tried to act normal at school, but I felt dead inside. I was quiet around my friends, and I'm normally a loud person around my friends. My schoolwork dropped and I couldn't concentrate. My friends were all becoming worried about me and so were my parents, but they never noticed my cutting. To this day, they still have no idea.

Shaneka found out and so did McKeely and they both just...didn't understand. They told me I was stupid and that cutting didn't help. Which did absolute wonders for my recovery process(Note the sarcasm). The only one who understood was Jordan. He was a cutter as well, he knew the outlet cutting gave and I was on the phone to him every night crying over Joseph and talking about cutting. I still don't think Jordan knows how much I love him for sticking with me through that. But then my mother had had enough of me crying over Joseph and barged into my room and told me I was being pathetic and stupid for crying over Joseph and that was when I started to feel alone. I stopped talking to Jordan about it and stopped talking to Shaneka about it. But I couldn't fill the hole. I was cutting, writing, drawing, reading, listening to music, I even tried to drink out my sorrows. The only problem was that drinking made me feel even worse so I stopped.

At the same time after I stopped talking to Jordan about my problems, he began to talk to me about how he was depressed and just wanted to die. Joseph also began to talk about how he was stupid and worthless and he should just die. Both of them piled their problems on me and I was crashing and burning with no human salvation. I was crying out for help, I wanted someone there to help me piece myself together, but there was no one. I was alone

The only thing that really helped was cutting. Every cut represented a number of thoughts that swirled through my head. Stupid...pathetic...worthless...weak...useless...ugly...fat...repulsive...ridiculous...waste of space...unimportant...waste of everyone's time...better off dead...not worth caring about... Everything I'd ever been told, every opinion I'd ever thought about myself since the start of year 1, presented itself as I cut. The best part about cutting at home, was that I could walk around in short sleeved shirts because my parents never noticed. They were too busy pressuring me about school and telling me to work harder. But I couldn't life was like a black and white picture. It had no colour or meaning to it. My life was black, white and red. Red meaning blood.

As I finally began to get over Joseph, I realised I'd learned a lesson. I'd learned to never ever fully trust people or fall head over heels for someone, because they'll always stab you in the back and hurt you. I always remind myself of that, even now.