First Impressions

"Autum, wake up." A voice whispers to me, something warm touching my shoulder. I open my eyes to realize that they are dry from crying and very swollen, possibly even red. Grey eyes stare back at me sadly. "Come on."

I'm lifted up by him, almost like a doll. That's what I feel like, a doll. Something that feels nothing and can give you nothing except something to look at. The green wall passes me until Brad takes me into my room, laying me gently down on the unmade bed. I stare at the ceiling.

"Autum," He starts "I was wondering if you would like to come live with us. It won't be a big deal because your house is right next door and you can come here whenever you want, but in with your crutches, someone would have to . . . be here."

When I don't say anything, he sighs and moves closer to look over me. His hair falls into his eyes again.

"I know this is very hard." His hand brushes against my cheek. "It's unbearable for you right now. I can't understand you feel, but you can still talk to me and tell me how those feelings are. I don't want you to stay in such a big house by yourself."

I still don't say anything. But my mind is whirling around.

I'm very depressed, that's not very hard to understand, but a boy shouldn't have a depressed girlfriend. He shouldn't have to wait on her hand and foot. He shouldn't have to put up with her emotional duress and her constant crying. Everything should be happy and everyone should be smiling and laughing.

If I don't do it, I'll put him into misery. If I don't do it, he'll do it to me and that will be loosing another person from my life. I have to do it.

"Autum?" Brad asks. My eyes finally focus on him, taking in his tangled hair and his beautiful eyes and his straight nose and thin lips. Taking in everything before finally letting it go and giving it up.

"You're fired." I state monotonously. His beautiful eyebrows furrow while his amazing eyes look at me.

"What?" His melodic tenor voice asks, making me close my eyes and savor the sound while I still can.

"I own the flower shop now. You are fired." I swallow a little to keep the lump in my throat down, repeating in my head that it's better for him. Who wants a broken girlfriend when there are others out there who work just fine? "I don't want to see you anymore and I don't want to be your girlfriend."

"What?" He says quickly, shaking his head in disbelief. "No, Autum. You're lying. Look, I know how hard this is for you, especially on your emotions, but I'm sure I'll be able to help. You don't have to do this."

There's a slight pause between the both of us.

"Yes, I do."

"I understand that you think you might be doing this for the best, but it's not, Autum." His voice cracks a little and his eyes start getting watery. "I'm here to help you and comfort you. It will be hard, but don't you understand this at all? I can't let you go."

The next words I say are words that I regret. I only said them because it was the only way to get him to leave and to make him get over me. To make him move on to better things rather than being stuck with me.

If you really love someone, you must let them go.

"I can let you go. I don't like you anymore." I snarl at him, acting angry. "I was going to break up with you anyways and this is the perfect opportunity. Just go away and leave me alone because I never want to see your face again. We're through."

Never will I forget the way his first tear rain down his cheek and landed on mine. Never will I forget the way he got up silently and walked to the door, disappearing through it.

Never, ever will I forget the way his hurt eyes looked into mine.

It's done and it's for the best. He needs something better than something broken.

I turned my head over to face the window, waiting for him to come through his door. When he did, he didn't look over. He closed his curtains shut to block me from him.

My heart feels like it is going to explode from being in so much pain. Never have I felt something so terrible. I think of the two people who are now out of my lives, one left involuntarily while the other was forced and pushed and kicked out.

I cry myself to sleep for the second time, only waking up in the morning at two o'clock to use the bathroom.

The next day, I spent it in the shower, first having the burning hot water until it ran out and switched to ice cold water. I still stayed in the shower, believing that everything that I was enduring in there, I completely and utterly deserved.

The day after that was spent downstairs on the couch, staring at the blank TV.

Brad never called. But Shale and Trev and Tash and Shelby all called, leaving messages along the lines of 'What happened?' and 'Sweetheart, please don't do this to us' and 'Autum, please call me back because I miss you' and 'I know you're there, answer the phone' and lastly, 'We don't completely understand, but we'll try, Autum. Don't shut out the people who love you'.

The last one was from Shelby.

I deleted every single one of their messages.

Mac and all of my pups spent their days outside. I didn't want them inside because I don't think they would like the smell of ass.

Two weeks passed and I finally got dressed and went to school, walking the whole way on my crutches.

Just as I wished it wouldn't happen, it did. As soon as I stepped through the doors, every head turned my way and then turned back, whispering to other heads about me. I know I looked horrible, I don't need a clarification notice to know that.

Deep dark bags were placed under my eyes, my clothes were almost falling off my body because I hadn't been eating like I should have, and my hair was all tangled up into one knotted pony tail.

I kept my head down and tried as fast as I could to get to my locker. In all of my classes, my forgotten friends looked at me over and over again. Trev and Shale even tried talking to me, but they got yelled at by the teacher. When gym came, I just shot baskets with myself, secluding away from the entire group. Brad looked at me so much that I had to let my hair down so I didn't see him anymore.

Lunch was horrid. I got my tray and looked around stupidly, my eyes lingering on my old table. I should have walked over there and sat down. I should have talked to all of my forgotten friends. I should have apologized to Brad and say that I didn't mean anything, I didn't mean it at all.

But, I instead chose a semi-empty table closer to the cafeteria doors, the only occupants being a couple making out across from me. After poking at my carrot sticks and taking a small sip of milk, I got up and threw my tray away, retreating to the library.

That's also how the next day went, and the day after that and the day after that.

Summer came. I spent the entire time working in The Time Capsule because business was much more and I needed the money. When ever I needed to go grocery shopping, I walked and pulled a wagon with me.

Soon, my two months on my crutches were up and I could walk perfectly fine. Summer seemed to go by so fast for me.

Mrs. Flitcher came over to visit me twice, asking me how I was doing and how I was feeling. After that, I stopped answering the door and pretended I wasn't home. I knew that Brad went out every day to hang out with my forgotten friends. I'm not sure what they did, but I've only ran into them once by mistake.

I had to go to the mall for a couple new shirts and a pair of jeans. I saw them at the food court, all of them in deep conversation except for Brad. I got out by ducking behind fake potted plants the entire way to the door, only to accidentally run into an old lady and cause a major scene. I had to help pick up all of her two hundred pennies.

By the time I stood up, my forgotten friends and ex-boyfriend were staring at me intensely. None of them glared and none of them smiled. They just looked sad.

I bit my lip when I saw Brad and basically ran out of there.

He deserves better than me. So much better.

He doesn't understand that I did this for him, and I'm selfish for regretting it and wanting him back.

He doesn't even know that I wrote two songs dedicated to him, and I hope he never knows.

School was one week away when I started to play my guitar again and put music to the lyrics.

I think of the mood and then gently start stringing notes to the words I sing.

Hello, my conscious

It's been awhile since I've

Last heard from you

Everything has fallen apart,

Now I'm living with a broken heart

The one who fixes it has disappeared

Into the shadows,

These hands just keep shoving

Him farther and farther away,

My soul needs to be mended,

But all I can do is push

Him farther and farther away

Hello, my conscious

Why haven't you picked up the phone,

Every time I call,

It seems like you're never home,

Everything has fallen apart,

Now I'm living with a broken heart

The one who fixes it has disappeared

Into the shadows,

And these hands just keep shoving

Him farther and farther away,

My soul needs to be mended,

But all I can do is push

Him farther and farther away

Hello, my conscious

Please tell these hands to stop,

They're shaking so badly,

But they still push him away,

Please just make it stop,

Because I don't think I can take it

Anymore.

At the end of it, I cry hard. My sobs rack my entire body and I drop my guitar.

I want him back. I want my mother back.

I am selfish and want the impossible.