Will You Be There for Me?

“So, when are you going to tell him?” Mason asked suddenly as we were taking a break from snowboarding.

The winter had finally rolled around and it was now time for my snowboard training. I had left school earlier this month to head up to Vermont. My friends were the least bit ecstatic about the whole ordeal, but planned on visiting me up here during the Christmas holidays.

For the past month Mason had been pestering me to tell Shaun I loved him or in his own words, ‘exclaim my profuse undying love for him’.

I was still scared shitless to tell Shaun how I felt about him, I mean, he didn’t just come on out and just say ‘I love you’, I didn’t have any opportunity to tell him, but I was still just as scared to be with him, and I knew this was pissing everyone off, including me. I couldn’t get over the whole thing and I could tell that even Shaun was getting tired of waiting for me.

“Um, I don’t know? When I’m ready to be with him?” I replied with more of a question as I lifted up my goggles.

“Dude.” Mason replied, completely unimpressed. “You’re such a pussy, it’s crazy. You need to man up, tell him, then get with him, ‘cause I can tell he’s going to give up on very soon. He’s been waiting for you for a very long time. I mean, before he wouldn’t even look at a girl twice, and now he’s having no problem just going up to them and flirting with them.”

I swallowed heavily and scratched the back of my neck.

I took off my helmet and looked at Mason, biting on my lower lip. I had seen Shaun flirting with other girls, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was jealous or that it didn’t hurt. It hurt like a bitch to see the guy I’m in love with flirt with some random blonde chick, pretending to know how to board.

“You’re going to lose him really soon Alison if you don’t say anything.”

“I know, but I’m scared, I don’t know what to do!” I exclaimed, frustrated with myself.

“What’s scarier though, being with him with the very faint possibility that you’ll break up, or him being with someone else, and you never having a shot with him?”

I stayed silent, him being with someone either than myself scared me a lot more, but I was still scared to be with him. I mean, me being scared of that is like being scared of a spider, while how scared I am of him being with someone else is like being scared of heights.

“I don’t know what to do Mason.” I replied before quickly unbuckling myself from my board.

“Just fucking tell him already! Just go up to him and say, ‘Shaun listen up and listen up good ‘cause I’ll only say this once, I. Love. You.’ And there you go.” Mason replied rolling his eyes as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to tell someone you love them. “Look, when was the last time you talked to Shaun?”

“A long time ago, I’ve kind of, sort of, been, just a little bit, ignoring him.” I replied waiting for him to shout at me.

“Oh my God, Alison, you’re a fucking idiot!” He exclaimed flailing his arms. “Why in the fuck are you doing this to him and you? Jesus Christ, why in the fuck are you ignoring him?”

“Because I-I don’t know, I need to think.” I mumbled before shoving past him and making my way into the hotel I was staying at.

I quickly made my way through the lobby to the elevator and quickly commanded the elevator to take me up to the third floor.

I made my way quickly over to my room before throwing everything onto the middle of my floor and quickly discarding of my bandana, jacket and snow pants.

There was a slight tap on my door as I pushed all of my things out of the way, “It’s open!” I shouted as I set my board up against the wall to let it dry.

“Alison?” Shaun asked, slightly pissed off.

“Um, hey.” I replied nervously, trying to lighten the mood.

“Why the fuck are you ignoring me? And don’t say you’re not, because I know you are.” He stated angrily as he closed the door behind him.

I turned around and raked my hand through my hair, biting down on my lip lightly before looking him in the eyes, “I don’t know, I’m not intentionally ignoring you.” I lied.

“Bullshit, you’re lying, I want to know why. Ever since the day I told you how I felt you’ve been ignoring me.”

I sighed heavily before replying, “I don’t know why, I just needed to think.”

“About what? My God you’re confusing! Did I, like, scare you off or something when I told you I loved you?” Shaun asked, putting emphasis on the ‘I loved you’ aspect of the sentence.

“No.” I replied quietly looking down at the floor, I felt like a puppy being scolded for peeing on the carpet or something like that.

“Then why are you ignoring me?” He asked impatiently and slightly infuriated.

“Because I love you too!” I replied loudly, getting sick and tired of him shouting at me.

The room fell silent and I looked up at Shaun. He looked taken aback and the he didn’t know what to say.

“Y-You what?” He asked, as if double-checking to make sure what he heard was correct.

“I said I. Love. You. I love you, I am in love with you Shaun, what else can I possibly say?”

Shaun just stared at me before smiling softly. He took a step closer to me and grabbed my hands.

“Are you going to say anything, anything at all?” I asked, slightly confused.

He just shook his head before crashing his lips against mine.

Generally whenever we kissed it was more of a lustful feeling to them, but this time it was different, it was passionate.

His arms found their way around my waist and my hands grabbed onto his shirt roughly to keep myself up.

My legs felt like they were giving out from under me and the only thing keeping me up was Shaun as he pressed me up closer to him.

The butterflies in my stomach were going insane and nothing could keep them calm; my skin felt like it was fire as Shaun put his hands underneath my shirt and on my hips. I didn’t even think twice to up this kiss into a full-blown make out session when he traced my bottom lip with his tongue, everything fit right now, it was perfect and nothing felt wrong. If I had to full out describe it I couldn’t do any better than a typical romantic movie where they describe a kiss like this to be where Earth and Heaven collide together as one, there really was no other way to describe it.

He pulled away reluctantly and I buried my face in his shirt, trying to hide the blush that had crept onto my face.

“You’re going to fucking hate me forever.” I mumbled into his shirt.

“Please don’t say what you’re going to say.” Shaun practically begged as he hugged me tightly, almost as if what I was about to say would erase me from existence.

“I’d be lying if I said I could do this though.”

“Why though? I mean, you said you loved me back, what could possibly be holding you back?” He snapped, startling me slightly.

“I don’t want to get hurt.”

“And you won’t get hurt, so what’s the problem?”

I sighed heavily as I looked up at him, “Shaun, I love you, I really, really do, but I’m scared to be in this kind of relationship, and I know I suck for saying that all the time, but I’m not ready, I mean, when I see myself in a relationship like that I see it with you, and only you, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet.”

“Nobody’s every ready for it, it just happens, why won’t you at least try?”

“Because I love you too much to rush into this kind of thing. I need more time.”

“Whatever.” He sighed, pushing himself away from me and leaving me alone in my room.

He slammed the door behind him making me jump slightly and I sat on my bed, completely confused as to why I had done that at all.

I loved the boy, and I just blew him off… again, what the fuck was wrong with me? I had already fallen for him and that’s what I was most scared of, I had no idea why I was holding myself back, but I do know what I was trying to prevent is what ended up happening. I was scared to lose Shaun as a friend, as a best friend, and I was scared he would just walk out of my life and wouldn’t be there for me anymore, and I basically just forced him out of my life.

I knew after he slammed that door that he basically walked out of my life and wasn’t going to be around anymore, and I hated myself for forcing him to walk out as a last resort.

I had messed up… again.