Seventeen and Invincible

“Remember,” Molly began and I cringed, “you have to clean the kitchen tonight. Maybe if you clean the bathroom too I’ll let you go to Garrett’s home show next week.” I sighed. He’d been gone for five weeks and our conversation was minimal—what should I expect? I nodded and turned away from her. I balanced the tote bag and duffel hanging off of my shoulders and the stack of books in my hands. “You’re going to sweat to death out there. Put your hair back.”

“I will when I get outside, and I’ll put my sunglasses on too.” She huffed and turned away mumbling about how peculiar I was. I rolled my eyes and walked outside, stopping at the last step on my stoop to pull my hair into a high pony tail. Once the ponytail holder was wrapped securely around my hair I ran my fingers across the symbols tattooed on the back of my neck. I smiled to myself. A fake ID and a lying Trey Nickelsen could get you anything. In my case it was ‘coexist’ and the symbols tattooed underneath where my hair usually hung.

I took fifteen steps to get to the side walk before I started my ten minute trek to the bus stop. I had work, dance, kickline tryouts (hey, I needed something to put on my college applications), tutoring, a key club board meeting, and then the thing I was looking forward to least—babysitting.

Claire was seven days old. I didn’t want to babysit her. It just wasn’t something I had ever wanted to do. I was surprised Ariel had even had the nerve to ask, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and I wasn’t about to tell her she couldn’t go to her grandmother’s funeral. And I wasn’t about to tell Evan he couldn’t go with her. Ariel’s grandparents had given them pretty much everything they had now—their apartment, furniture, jobs in their store… I wasn’t going to let him disrespect Mrs. James, because I didn’t want that on my conscience.

I’ll dream on you tonight wearing something white, I’ll be your butterfly… my phone started to ring. I groaned because it would slow me down if I tried to answer it. I instead let it continue to ring, pushing myself to walk faster. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and squinted at the summer sun. It was unbearable. There was even sweat in my eyelashes.

My phone beeped and started ringing again. Someone had left a voicemail and was calling back. Someone was probably Garrett. I slid the strap of my tote bag down my arm to try and get my phone out. When I finally succeeded answering was difficult, to say the least.

“Why didn’t you answer the first few times I called?” he demanded. I sighed and rolled my eyes. It was so typical.

“I was walking to the bus stop, dip shit. Not all of us have bright yellow cars.” He laughed and remained silent. “So what’s up?” I dropped my bag in front of the sign for the bus stop.

“Nothing, just had some down time. What’s going on with you? You sound tired.” I laughed.

“Well, when you’re pulling forty-four hour days…”

“Anika, do we have to send you back to kindergarden—there are only twenty-four hours in a day.” I rolled my eyes at his stupid attempt at sarcasm.

“I know,” I replied bitterly, “If that gives you an idea of how much I’ve slept…”

“Like, legit? Forty-four hours without a nap?” I sighed.

“Garrett, I’ve been up since Tuesday.” It was Friday morning.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” I clicked my tongue loudly.

“Because I have to.” He mumbled something I couldn’t hear and I boarded the bus
and paid my fare as it pulled up.

“Says who?” He paused and we both answered at the same time.

“Molly.” When he proceeded to ask me what I was doing that night, I hesitated before spitting out ‘babysitting.’

“Who, exactly, are you babysitting for?” I bit my lip and pulled the phone away from my ear before I answered.

“Evan and Ariel’s daughter—Claire.” He stayed silent before coming back with a plethora of accusations and profanity. I hung up on him five minutes into the yelling because I simply didn’t have the capacity to deal with it. I was tired and lonely and the only person I really needed was lecturing me.

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“You’re fifteen minutes late!” Rhiannon scolded as I walked through the doors of the library. This was my Monday, Friday, Saturday job. Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday, I worked in the supermarket and on Wednesdays I helped out in Ariel’s grandparents shop.

“I know,” I replied quietly, trying to hide my face from the nosey girl. I walked behind the circulation desk to clock in and pick up the pile of books that needed to be returned to the shelves.

“Why? And aren’t you forgetting to put your stuff away—y’know in that room that says employees only.” I smiled weakly in embarrassment. “Finish putting those back and then go put your stuff away. You’re a mess today. Keep it up and I’ll send you home.” I sighed.

“I’ll snap out of it, okay?” I placed the last book from the pile on the shelf and power walked to the back room, quickly dropping off my tote bag, duffel bag, review books, textbooks and notebooks. I downed a bottle and a half of water and wiped away the mascara smudges near my eyes.

“Hurry up, Ana. If you get all the books away in the next forty-five minutes then I won’t have to take out of your paycheck or make you stay late.” I nodded and rushed into the room, working at lightning speed to get the books back on the shelf. My arms ached and so did my legs. My chest felt ready to cave in and my heart—in all of its acidic, liquid, pulpy glory—was burning. My eyes were ten seconds away from snapping shut and I felt like my skeleton wasn’t even supporting me anymore. I silently wondered when the last time I had eaten was. I silently wondered when the last night I went to bed without digging a gash into my arm was. I silently wondered when the last night I'd actually gone to bed was.