Seventeen and Invincible

“I have to go back in a week,” she stopped to take a sip of her iced coffee, “y’know, to make sure everything is expelled.” Her eyes had been in a glazed over state ever since she’d found out she’d miscarried. “I’m wearing a dress,” she said cautiously, “because the pads I have to wear are so big that I can’t wear pants with them.” I looked down at her hands firmly laced on the surface of the table located inside of the local Starbucks. “It hurts so horribly, which means things probably aren’t happening how they’re supposed to.” She took a deep breath and unfolded her hands to play with the green plastic straw. “I just want to know why, y’know? It was just about to be okay. I was about to see him or her for the first time and really decide what I was going to do and then that choice was ripped away from me.”

“Mi, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I know it must be the hardest thing ever.” She shrugged and twirled the straw.

“I have to talk about it, and with John it’s kind of awkward. It would be like you telling Garrett you had really bad cramps, or asking him to drive you home because you’d bled through your clothes, but worse,” she stopped. “But then again, you probably do tell him, and it’s probably totally normal, right?” I nodded slowly.

“But this isn’t like that Mia, it’s—it’s different.” She shook her head and took another sip of the coffee, swallowing and getting ready to speak again.

“But it shouldn’t be. It should be exactly the same. And you and Garrett are, as you say, just friends. John and I dated for over a year, I should be able to tell him that it hurts so bad it keeps me awake, or that I can’t go swimming with everyone because it’s so bad.” She sighed and closed her eyes, opening them again. “I should be able to tell him everything that I’m telling you. I should be able to explain to him that the Tylenol, all that I’m allowed to take by the way, does nothing to take the edge off. I need him to know that even though I do want him to hug me or hold me, the pressure is so much worse. I shouldn’t have to beat around the bush when I’m talking to him.”

“Mia, so what if it’s a little awkward? You guys broke up, you got pregnant, you had a miscarriage and now he’s your support. It should be awkward. I’d be afraid if it wasn’t.” I lifted my cup of coffee off of the small table and sipped it slowly.

“If it was you and Garrett it wouldn’t be awkward. You guys have never been together, yet the pieces just fit together. You guys talk about everything, Anika. The kid went to the store to buy you tampons and Midol yesterday for crying out loud. I was shaking with fear because John was with me when I had to buy pads the size of freaking diapers.” I smiled a little bit. “Why does it just work with you guys? Why is nothing too extreme? You tell him if you don’t feel good, when you’re sad, when you have cramps so bad that they’re nauseating, when you’re honestly too tired to watch that show he’s been bugging you about for the last month. Why can’t I do that with John?”

“Because it isn’t how the two of you are. You and John were in a relationship. Relationships require work. Friendships, especially like mine and Garrett’s, just flow naturally. There is no reason to be self-conscious or afraid of what he thinks. And I don’t tell him everything; he just knows when I don’t.” She smiled a little and went back to playing with the straw.

“What don’t you tell him?” she asked quickly. “Give me two things that you haven’t told Garrett.” I shook my head quickly, knowing the first two things were things I didn’t tell him for a reason. “Go ahead, let’s see if you can really do it. Let’s see if you can really keep two secrets from Gar.”

“Fine,” I conceded. “Two things?” She nodded. “I’ll give you three.” I inhaled and opened my mouth to speak. “I haven't told Garrett that Greg isn’t really my father, I’m moving to Munich in January, and I love him—or loved—I’m not entirely sure, but I can’t let myself be in love with him because I just can’t.”

“Damn,” she smirked wide eyed. “Can you do five? Two more?”

“Molly thinks I’m screwing him, and I won’t promise him that I won’t cut myself because that would be a lie.” I took a long sip of coffee and looked up at Mia. “Now, I’m done. We didn’t come here to talk about Garrett and I.”

“I just have one more question,” she added quickly. I nodded. “Have the two of you, y’know, ever done anything? Y’know, anything sexual?” I laughed and felt my lips fall back into a straight line.

“Uhm, no, not really. I mean we’ve kissed a few times when one of us had been drinking, and a couple of months ago I got drunk and tried to have sex with him—right after the breakup with Evan. But no, nothing has ever happened.” She smiled and the two of us turned when the bell rang to indicate another customer arriving. Or shall I say two?

Garrett and John strode over to our table, each sitting backwards on one of the remaining chairs. The small room stayed quiet and I wondered if John and Garrett had been having a conversation similar to the one I’d just had with Mia. The only indication, other than the slightly awkward silence, was the weird glances being exchanged by every combination of people at the table. It was like that feeling when everyone is watching you like they know something you don’t know they know; when you keep asking yourself ‘hey, could they know?’ simply because there’s no other explanation—it couldn’t simply be normality.