Seventeen and Invincible

“They want you to talk to a therapist,” he whispered softly, his arms still around me; my face still buried in his chest. I nodded—this was something I already knew was going to happen. “They aren’t going to make it a choice either. They’ll make you talk to someone whether you want to or not this time.”

“I know,” I nodded tiredly. “It’ll determine whether or not I get locked up in the looney bin. I know, Gar.” I shifted, wrapping my arms around him so now we were holding each other.

“Do you want me here?” I shrugged. “Do you want Mia here?” I shook my head. “Do you want to talk to the shrink alone?” I shook my head ‘no,’ violently. “Who do you want to stay with you?” I shrugged again.

“Good Morning,” a nurse called, walking into the bright room, interrupting Garrett before he could ask another question. “How are you feeling today?” I shrugged and buried my face deeper into the darkness and material of Garrett’s shirt. “Well,” she began unsteadily, “the volunteers are making their rounds now so your breakfast should be here soon. I know hospital food isn’t great, but it’s something.” I shrugged again. “And after you eat, Dr. Anderson will be in to see you.” I shrugged again, indicating my indifference.

“Thank you,” Garrett whispered, lifting his head. The nurse quickly responded with her, ‘you welcome,’ and walked out of the room. I guess trying to figure out how to act around a suicidal seventeen year old girl is hard enough, then just throw in that she’s hiding, wrapped up in the arms of a seventeen year old boy who probably shouldn’t be there.

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Breakfast ended in me arguing and yelling, and him just taking it all. He wouldn’t fight back, like he promised.

He’d begged me to eat. He’d cut the soggy piece of French toast into twenty small cubes and tried to feed me like I was a little kid. He’d dipped the soggy hospital food in syrup and tried to pretend it was an “airplane,” like I was seven—he’d earned a smile.

When I wouldn’t eat that he said I should at least give the Jello a chance. I refused. He told me to give apple slices a shot. I said no. He tried to get me to drink the Orange juice. I told him to fuck off.

Now, we were sitting in the room quietly, Dr. Anderson seated quietly on the other side of the room. Her legs were crossed and she seemed relaxed, but we all knew the smile and soft tone to her voice were fake. We all knew that she wanted to write down that I was crazy. She wanted to take note of the fact that I wouldn’t let go of Garrett and that I had refused to eat my breakfast. We all knew she wanted to write down that my parents weren’t here.

“How have you been feeling lately?” she asked softly, pen clutched tightly in her hand. I shrugged, toying with the string on the sweatpants that Mia had brought for me to wear.

“No different than usual,” I sighed. Garrett rubbed my back. She nodded and her smile faltered slightly.

“Well, would you care to describe how it is that you usually feel?” I shook my head, briefly looking up.

“No.”

She shifted uncomfortably. “Do you know what you tried to do yesterday?”

“Of course,” I said quickly. “I tried to kill myself.” And you failed, the voice in the back of my head nagged. Garrett’s eyes traced over my features tiredly. He’d probably barely slept last night. He’d probably been awake for hours after I fell asleep.

“Would you like to explain why you tried to kill yourself?”

“No.” Garrett took my hand and traced a heart on my palm and then the usual circle. I smiled a little and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Maybe we should try this without Garrett here,” she suggested. “Maybe you’d be willing to talk more.” He nodded and stood, kissing the top of my head as he walked around the bed.

“No,” I said quickly, reaching out to grab his arm before he walked away. He turned back to see the tears in my eyes; he could see the fear. “Anything I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say in front of him.” I pulled him back to me, ignoring the doctor’s disapproving look. “Stay,” I whispered.

“No, Ani,” he started, “she’s right. This is probably something you should do without me.” He swallowed hard and looked out into the hallway. “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t say something important because I’m here. I’d rather see you get better than stay here and compromise your recovery.” I shook my head. He was going to stay. That was something I knew for sure. “Besides, Ani, I have to call my parents. They don’t know I’m here, and I’m never usually gone this long—even when I stay out all night.”

“No!” I yelled. He knew how petrified I was of talking to a stranger about all of this. “Garrett, you have to stay.” I could see Dr. Anderson scribble something in her notebook out of the corner of my eye. “Gar, please?” He sighed, unsure of what to do.

The nurse pushed open the glass door and excused herself for interrupting. “There are two people here claiming to be Anika’s parents.” My body stiffened and my fear turned into panic. “May I send them up?”

“No,” Garrett replied quickly. “No, don’t let them up here.” He walked back over to me, wrapping me up in his arms again. “Don’t let them near her,” he whispered. I held onto him for dear life, because Molly would either kill me herself or ship me off to Germany as soon as possible.

“Garrett,” I whispered, “Garrett they can’t know what I did. They can’t know what I tried to do.” He nodded and whispered that he knew. “Garrett, they’ll kill me themselves. They don’t understand.”

“Shh, it’s okay. I know, Ani. I know they don’t get it. That’s why they’re not going to see you.” He rocked me back and forth, the therapist observing the whole time.

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I’d finally calmed down when Molly approached the door of my room. Apparently, they couldn’t turn her away because I was a minor. Apparently there was only one way to keep her away, and Garrett agreed she’d never go for it—emancipation.

“Anika! Bist du verrückt? You tried to kill yourself? You idiot!” she yelled. “Du scheitertest!”

“Stop it,” Garrett said quickly. “Stop.”

“You can’t even get that right? Arschloch!” I looked away from her, uninterested in whatever she planned on saying to me next. “Why would you do something so stupid?”

“Stop doing this to her,” Garrett said loudly, but she ignored him. After all, what reason did she have to listen to him?

“What happened? Did this Saukerl get you pregnant and you didn’t know what to do?”

“Why is that all you think of?” I yelled. “Just because you got knocked up in high school doesn’t mean I will too.” I stared straight out the window, not looking at anyone.

“Then what did this idiot do to you?” I rolled my eyes, her accent making me want to scream and smack her. The shrill bitterness in her pronunciation and the perfect diction. I hated her.

I sighed loudly and let my shoulders fall.
“The only thing he did to me was what he’s always done—care about me.”