Seventeen and Invincible

I threw my legs over the edge of the dock, staring up at the multicolored Arizona sunset. The blanket was spread out a few feet behind me--that's where Garrett could be found, sprawled out across the unnecessary down comforter, hands behind his head and his eyes closed. I squinted, looking away from the sun, because it was burning my dark accustomed eyes.

My long, somewhat dirty hair was resting on my back, a few strands occasionally being picked up by the breeze. This was exactly how things should be; exactly how they should always be. They should never have to change.

"Ani," Garrett whispered crawling over to my side. He draped his arm across my shoulder and sighed loudly.

"I don't wanna leave," I whispered. He made no effort to comment or move. "Garrett," I sighed. Again he didn't respond--he just sat there. "Garrett," I whispered again. He still remained silent. "Gar."

"I heard you the first time, Ani," he replied softly. "At least for right now, let's just not talk. Let's not say anything." I continued to stare at the sunset as I rested my head on his shoulder. The silence was comforting, but piercing and terrifying at the same time.

My only response was a small, weak nod. If he was thinking the way I was, then he was thinking that by remaining silent we could somehow preserve this moment; preserve this peace; preserve this--whatever it was that we had--since I wasn't quite sure exactly what to call it. If we could hold on to this moment-- the sunset, the water, the falling apart dock, the blanket, us--then it was like neither of us ever had to leave. It was like our lives weren't changing or moving in opposite directions. I could pretend my heart wasn't broken beyond repair. I could pretend that I was okay with being alive.

"We have to talk sometime, Gar," I whispered. He nodded and looked away from the sunset and at me. I saw out of the corner of my eye and turned to face him.

"I know," he answered cautiously. His voice was on the verge of cracking, I could tell. "But don't you get it?" he whispered. "I'm not ready. I'm not ready to lose you."

I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm not ready to lose you either." His face moved closer to mine slowly. I couldn't remember when my head had even moved from his shoulder. "Garrett," I said quietly.

"Shh," he whispered, his lips almost touching mine. I nodded and let him close the distance between us. I let him move his hands to my face and I let my hands move to his wrists like I was holding on. I sighed and smiled sadly into the kiss. If only things didn't have to change.

I can't tell you if we sat like that for five minutes or five hours, but I can tell you it felt like a lifetime. I can tell you that time must have stopped. I can tell you that I didn't want it to end. I can tell you that it was all I needed to remember why I was alive and why I needed to thank Mia for saving my life. And why I needed to thank Garrett for so much that I couldn't even remember anymore.

When our lips finally stopped moving together, we just sat there. His hands were still touching both sides of my face, and I was still holding his wrists. Our foreheads were pressed together and tears were running down my cheeks. I wasn't sobbing or screaming, but the tears still fell like a silent river. Every few seconds his thumbs would work like windshield wipers, wiping away the salty tears slipping from my eye sockets and getting stuck in my eyelashes.

There were no words. There was nothing either of us could say or do to make this easier. There was no way to deny the pain of having this friendship of sorts ripped apart. There was just nothing. We both felt the pain. We both tried to ignore it, but ignoring it was impossible. It was like some horrible disease. It was like cancer, destroying us from deep inside; a place so internal that it almost didn't exist.

His lips brushed against mine again--even more softly than before if that was at all possible. His lips melded with mine again. His soul screamed at me again. His hands held me like a perfect fitting dress, accenting all the best things. He held me, but every part of him was yelling at me, telling me how horrible I was, how I was taking advantage of this moment and its perfection.

His lips held onto mine like his hands held onto my cheeks. They held on out of need and not out of desire. I held on out of both. I was selfish. I was taking advantage of the feeling of him kissing me; of him holding me so gently. I was taking advantage of the fact that I was still alive.

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We fell asleep wrapped up in the quilt on the dock that chilly December night in Arizona. We held each other closer and tighter than we ever had. We refused to let go, even as the sun rose and reached high noon the next day. We just held on tighter as time disappeared too quickly for us to comprehend.

That night I almost gave myself to him. That night we almost went that far. That night we were both ready and willing, but something stopped us. Something came over us and made us stop somewhere in the middle of undressing each other. It wasn't that we didn't have a condom--neither of us really cared at that point. The idea of a condom didn't even cross my mind until I was recalling that night weeks later on the plane to Germany.

That night something stopped us and I wished it hadn't. That night was something I couldn't forget regardless. That night was the last time I would have him to hold me close for months. The next night he'd spend packing and saying goodbye to his family, eventually sneaking in through my window for a hug and one more kiss that would serve as our informal goodbye. There'd still be the next morning, only a mere three hours later, when I wished him and the rest of the band a safe trip and a painful farewell.

But that night was my chance to give him all of me, and I didn't. I was still the pure girl that Molly refused to believe I was. I was still up for grabs; to be taken.

But deep inside I would remember that that had been the best night of my life. It was horrible and sad and overwhelming, but it was amazing to be held in Garrett's arms all day and all night. It was amazing to feel like maybe my life was worth living.