Seventeen and Invincible

I woke up at three a.m. wrapped in the arms of someone who wasn’t Garrett and I started panicking. The person’s arms tightened and their lips touched my neck. I managed to squirm out of him arms and question as to why Evan was in my bed with his arms around me.

“What the fuck?” I screamed. “Why the fuck are you here? Why were you touching me?” I stood and pushed my hair behind my ears nervously. My head was pounding and I was thankful that it was still dark. “Why are you in my room?” I screeched.

“Chill the fuck out, you called me, hysterical crying last night. That’s what the fuck I’m doing here. Jesus fucking Christ!” He rubbed his eyes, standing quickly on the opposite side of my bed. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I never called you!” I stated sternly. “I wouldn’t have been that desperate.”

“You were drunk. The empty bottle of vodka is on your desk by the way.” I shook my head, wincing when I remembered I had a headache.

“I was not drunk.” I pulled the sleeves of my sweater further down to cover my wrists. “Even if I was, why the fuck are you here?” I brought my hand to my head. I seriously regretted choosing this decibel level.

“I’m here because you were freaking out and Garrett asked me to.” I shook my head in disbelief.

“Garrett hates you!”

“But he loves you. Don’t you get it? Garrett loves you and he knew what you were gonna do. I know you tried to kill yourself last week. I know that you’re cutting again.” I shook my head. “Then show me your wrists.”

“Why the fuck should I show you my goddamned wrists? Come on Evan,” I seethed, “even you know me better than that, don’t you?” I inched closer to the bed so the distance between us wasn’t as great. “Don’t you?” I could feel the tears of anger; of rage, forming and threatening to spill, clouding my vision and my voice. “Don’t you? You useless piece of garbage! You knew about it all along. You knew that every fucking night I went to sleep praying to God that I wouldn’t fucking wake up. You knew that I cut. You knew about the depression. You knew the cuts and scars were hardly on my wrists, didn’t you?” I shook my head. “But you didn’t do a fucking thing! Whenever I was hurt, you never tried to stop me. You never tried to protect me. You never once cared. You didn’t give a shit about me. You wasted two years of my life!” I was shaking with this anger that just seemed to appear out of nowhere.

“Ani, calm down!” I shook my head. "You didn't want to be stopped. I knew you didn't. I loved you. That's why I didn't do anything!"

“You know you don’t get to call me that. You never have.”

“Please, just stop yelling. You’re still drunk. You’re on your way to the worst hangover of your life.”

“You never fucking loved me!” I screeched. “You lied! Every time those three goddamned words left your mouth it was a lie, right? Right? Because all you wanted was sex. You just wanted a good fuck. You thought I’d be an easy lay because you thought I was ‘hot.’ Right? Well what do you think now? Do you still think I’m so attractive? Are you still so ‘enamored?” My head was pounding, fire was coursing through my veins, and the venom was flying from my mouth. “I’m not the stupid slut you thought I was.”

“I never thought you were a slut. Jesus Christ, Anika. I did love you. Goddamnit! If you don’t believe me ask any of my friends. I loved you more than I could ever love Ariel. Do you understand? Or is it not making it’s way through that thick fucking skull of yours? I loved you so much. Can you honestly say you loved me? Because I don’t think you can. You never said it back.” I shook my head, certain that I’d uttered the God awful phrase at least once.

“If you loved me then why did you cheat on me for months? Once I could accept. Twice I could’ve dealt with, but it was for months, Evan. You were sleeping with her for months.” I brought both of my hands to my head, trying to abolish the pain and ache radiating through my entire skull.

“It was only two times. At parties when I was wasted. And you wanna know why I was wasted? Because the answer was you. You always jumped to Garrett’s defense. You were always choosing him over me. I knew you loved him. And you wouldn’t admit it. It hurt, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I was lonely, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”

“You never loved me. You’re full of shit,” I muttered.

“I still love you.”

“You’re full of shit.”

“Tell me you don’t love Garrett.”

“That would be a lie.”
My heart broke; shattered into a million pieces because I knew he didn't really return the feelings.

“Tell me that you never loved me.”

“I never loved you.” My breath caught in my throat as I spoke the words. I’d told Garrett that I never loved Evan, but telling Evan to his face was horrible. The look on his face. The small smirk that found its way to his lips.

“Right. Because you loved him. Who was really cheating?” I shook my head.

“Nothing happened between us. I swear, I never did anything with him when we were still together.” I continued to shake my head.

“An emotional affair is the same as a physical one; maybe even worse.” He walked around my bed, lifted my chin and kissed me on the lips before walking away. “And by the way,” he whispered, poking his head back into my room before he closed my door, “I still think you’re beautiful.”

I crumbled into a pile on the floor. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I felt my stomach clench and bile start to inch its way up as the alcohol began to betray me.

I was a cheater.
I was a liar.
I was no better than either of them.