In the Closet

I was sitting in the closet. A small, narrow closet filled with my mother’s fine coats. It smelled like her, like the perfume she used. I never liked that smell. It was so strong. It made me cough whenever I got to close. I loved my mum, yes, but I hated her smell.

Why was I in a closet?

Gerard Way. He was the reason for me being in the closet. He was over to help me with my English paper. I don’t know why I asked him of all people. He wasn’t the best at this, his brother Mikey would have been much better at this, but I wanted to ask Gerard. He was more fun to be with. Mikey was quite uptight. Mikey wanted everything to be perfect, and I didn’t need perfect. I preferred imperfection. I liked flaws in my stuff. It was what made it so good.

But yes, Gerard Way was currently in my house, working on my essay. And I was in the closet. Why? I don’t know. I freaked out. I needed to get away, and I saw the closet as a place he wouldn’t think of the place I would be. I had told him I was going to the bathroom. I think he believed me. Why would I lie about it?

When I was little, I used to hide in this closet when I got scared or didn’t want to be around people. I could hide forever in there. My parents knew I was there, but they quickly learned that if I was in the closet they shouldn’t interrupt me. Gerard didn’t know that, but he didn’t know I was in the closet either.

Actually, when I think of it I was in the closet in two ways. I was in the closet as physically sitting inside a closet, and as in I was hiding the fact that I liked guys. Yes. I liked boys. I, Frank Iero, liked boys. I had never told anyone. I couldn’t. They would hate me. Mum would hate me. Dad probably wouldn’t care, because his brother was as well, but my mother was the most homophobic woman you could ever find. That’s why my uncle never came to our house. She would kick me out, and I would be all alone! I’m only sixteen. I couldn’t risk that. I couldn’t risk my chance of living, just to have her know I’m gay.

Gerard was gay. Everybody knew that, and somehow nobody seemed to care. Gerard was gay, and nobody cared. Maybe that’s why I liked him. No, that wasn’t the whole reason. I liked him for more than his sexuality. Of course I did. You don’t like someone based on what gender they like. I don’t at least! No, Gerard was a great guy! He could sing better than anyone I knew, and his drawing skills were great! When he talked, I felt like I had to listen because if I didn’t I would miss some important clue in life. And his looks! Gerard had gorgeous hazel eyes, and his hair might be greasy, but it was damn hot! He could somehow pull it off, and I don’t understand how!

So yes, I was gay and I liked Gerard Way. How stupid wasn’t that? I was only sixteen. He was almost nineteen. I don’t know why he was even here. I had been at his and Mikey’s place, and when Mikey left the room I had casually said I needed help with my essay. He had for some reason said that he would help me, so I hadn't actually asked him. Why he wanted to help, I have no idea. Why would he want to help me?

“Frank?”

Shit. How long had I been in this closet? A minute? An hour? I don’t know. I started to freak again. What if he found me in here? What the hell would he think of me if he found me inside a fucking closet? He would think I was stupid!

“Frank, where are you?”

Oh God, he was getting close to the closet now. What if he found me? He couldn’t find me in a closet. It would be stupid. I’m stupid. Just plain stupid. I’m hiding in a fucking closet!

“Frank, come on! I know you’re not in the bathroom!” Gerard sounded tired of looking for me. I understand him. I should probably just come out already, but it would be awkward. Maybe he would just leave. Surely, he wouldn’t check the closet. Right?

Just then, I sneezed. Fuck! That stuff is only supposed to happen in movies and books, not in real life! You don’t sneeze when you don’t need someone to know where you are! That’s just fucking stupid. I mentally slapped myself for sneezing, and waited for Gerard to find me.

I could hear is footsteps coming closer and closer, until they stopped right in front of the closet. Nothing happened after that. He didn’t open the closet. It seemed like he was unsure of what to do now. Was he going to open the closet?

“Uhm, Frank?” he asked as he knocked quietly on the wooden closet door. He waited a while, and I didn’t dare to reply. Finally he spoke again. “Frank, are you in there?”

I scratched my neck, and shifted a bit, before I replied. “… yes.”

This was stupid. I was stupid. I was sitting inside a closet, while the boy I liked was out side wondering what the hell I was doing in here. When I thought of it, I didn’t even know why I was in here.

Slowly, the wooden door opened and a strong light blinded me. After sitting in the darkness for God knows how long, I wasn’t used to the light. I immediately closed them, to shield them from light. After a while I finally opened them, and met Gerard’s, who was now sitting down, looking confused at me.

“What are you doing in here?”

I looked away from him, feeling tears build themselves up in my eyes. Why was I almost crying? What the hell was I doing? I had no reason whatsoever to cry! I was just sitting inside a closet, and he found me. No big deal.

Before I realized it, I had said the words I longed for to say.

“I’m gay.” And then I kissed him.