Suffocate

The bonfire was keeping me warm as I sat in the flimsy plastic lawn chair. Almost as soon as I had uttered a word of feeling better, Jacob had dragged me out to Sam and Emily's house for Embry's birthday party. I still felt kind of queasy but that it was nothing I didn't expect. Over the cackling fire, and the loud, buzzing radio, Jacob's voice still carried out over everyone else's. It was slowly killing me.

Standing up, I ambled over to Emily. Over the last year, I found that she was really the only other person besides Jacob that I felt comfortable talking to. Emily was kind, and didn't judge me. Those were the only things I needed. "Hey, Em?"

She looked at me, a smile on her face. "Where have you been all night?"

I shrugged, and put my hand on her upper arm. "Can I talk to you? Somewhere else?" Her face fell, and she nodded, leading me into the house. "I need to know that you're not going to judge me no matter what, and that you won't tell a single soul."

Emily raised her eyebrow. "Are you in trouble, Sarah? Because if yo --"

"No!" Anxiously, I pushed my hair out of my eyes and glanced over my shouler. "This is hard for me, Em."

She bit her lip, and led me further into the living room so that we could sit down. I sat across from her, my arms folded over my abdomen and fingers holding my shirt in a wad. "Can I make this any easier for you?"

I threw up a little in my mouth, the acid burning my throat. I swallowed it, and winced. "No, not really." With a sigh, I just shook my head. "I've been trying to convince myself that it's not real, but unfortunately there's proof." My blue eyes caught Emily's brown ones, and before I could even catch myself, "I'm pregnant."

Her eyes flickered back and forth, and I wasn't sure what to expect. She could react in anyway. Emily was not a predictable person. "Does Jake know?"

I sighed. "No."

"Sarah," she breathed. "Oh, sweetheart. How long have you known?"

"'Bout a week and a half. My doctor says I'm already at four weeks." I crossed my arms over my belly and took a deep breath. "I want to tell him tonight, I just... I never know how he's going to react."

"He loves you," Emily sighed. "It's better to tell him now, than to wait until it really starts to show."

"Until what shows?"

I hadn't even heard Jacob come inside, but there he was, standing casually in the living room door way. He held a red plastic cup to his lips. I looked at him carefully, trying not to have a panic attack right in front of him. Emily stood up slowly, and without another word left the living room.

"Uh," I stammered, "nothing." Jacob moved in front of me and helped me off of the couch. I brought my hands to his neck and kissed him softly. Jacob's muscles tensed, but he returned the gesture.

"Sarah?" He pushed my hair out of my face.

"Can we go home now? I'm so tired." I took his hand and threaded our fingers together.

Jacob rolled his eyes, but nodded and walked me to the front door. As we walked through the kitchen, Emily gave me a firm look that said, tell him!. I nodded at her, and sighed softly when we stepped outside.

*

"What were you and Em talking about?" He asked me when we entered my neighborhood. The ride to Port Angeles was quiet. I drifted off a couple of times, but caught myself before I fell too deeply asleep to get out. Jacob held my hand, squeezing gently and rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand.

I had to tell him. I had to. "We... were talking about me being sick lately." It wouldn't hurt to beat around the bush for a minute, right?

"Yeah? What'd she say?"

"That I need to tell you what's going on." I sighed, and when he pulled into my driveway, I unbuckled my seatbelt and turned my body towards him. He had a confused expression on his face, and looked straight at me. "I've been meaning to tell you for about a week, Jake, but it's been really stressful and hard even for me."

"Sarah, babe, what's going on?"

"I - I went to the doctor last week, because I have been feeling really nauseous and dizzy lately, and with my throwing up, we thought I might've had some sort of bug or something --"

"You're not going to die, are you?" Jacob held more tightly onto my hand. "It's not cancer right?"

"No, no, listen." I looked at him, warmed by his dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes. The car engine was still ticking from the forty minutes it took to drive from La Push to Port Angeles, and I could see Dad pacing in the living room through the open window. It was getting late. I had to stop stalling. "Let's go inside."

Ok, so maybe I was still stalling, but I didn't want to do this in the car. Jacob complied without a word, and I led him through the front door quietly. Dad was talking on the phone, and Brenda sat at the foot of the stairs, arms crossed. They both looked at me.

"He'll be gone in an hour," I said hurriedly, pulling Jacob up the stairs to my bedroom. Most of my wardrobe was lying on the floor, mixed in with a bit of random papers. Jacob grabbed me around the waist and pulled me against him.

"What's going on, Sarah?"

I'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnant!!!

I turned to face him, and placed my palms flat on his chest. "I've been trying to figure out how exactly to tell you this, but I'm not very clever." Jacob stared at me, and I melted in his dark brown eyes. "I'm pregnant, Jacob."

He chewed on his lip for a moment before saying, "are you sure?"

I exhaled. He might take this better than I thought. "I went to the doctor a week ago."

Jacob sighed, and let go of me. He stepped backwards and fell into my computer, eyes glazed over. "How many weeks?"

"Almost five." I sat down on the edge of my mattress and pressed my lips together. Jacob kept his eyes on the floor, processing what I had just told him. I had never seen him look so dumbfounded before.

"God," he finally sighed after about five minutes of heavy silence. "I never thought this would happen." I took a deep breath. I should've known. "Are you going to be ok?"

It was almost funny that he asked me. "You're the one I'm worrying about right now. Jake, what are we going to do?" What I needed right now more than anything was comfort, so I grabbed his hand and pulled him beside me. We lay back on the mattress and the heat that radiated off of his skin relaxed my muscles.

"I don't know, Sarah."