Suffocate

I jumped off of the couch and escaped to the back deck before Jacob could say anything. I had a mere fifteen seconds to figure this all out before he was going to start asking questions. I was stupid, and young, and extremely immature. I heard the back door open, but kept my gaze up towards the pond in the backyard. The crickets chirped their midnight tunes and I listened carefully.

"Sarah?"

Jacob sat beside me. I still couldn't look at him. This was something that no one other than Mom and I knew about. I never spoke about it, and thinking back on it was painful. "Will you say you love me?" I whimpered, finally bringing myself to look at him. He frowned, and grabbed my hand.

"I love you."

"Why?"

"Sarah, no matter what you've done in your past, I'm still going to love you the same." He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumbs, and my eyes misted. I didn't respond to his claim, so he continued. "I don't know why I love you, Sarah, other than because you're beautiful, and funny, and care-free. You never let anyone bring you down, and you put up with my shit. You're very smart, and amazing at everything you do." Jacob squeezed my hand and I sighed, trying to keep the waterworks turned off.

"Thank you." I got out of my chair and moved over to him. He sat up, and I climbed into his lap. I wanted to tell Jacob so badly that it hurt, but remembering what I did hurt just a little bit more. Taking a deep breath, I whispered, "I lost my virginity when I was almost sixteen. Did you know that?"

Jacob exhaled softly, and wrapped his arm around me. "You might've mentioned it."

"Well, I think Peter and I had sex a little bit more often than the average sixteen year olds, and I got pregnant right around Christmas break of my sophomore year." I couldn't bear to look at Jacob, so I kept my eyes on his hands. "I had really good grades, and perfect attendance. I was never late to anything and I dressed up for school. When I found out, I was so scared. My mom wanted me to make the decision by myself but I really was unsure about what I wanted to do.

"She took me to Planned Parenthood and we discussed my options with a counselor. I kept thinking, 'my life is over, my life is over, my life is over.' I really didn't want to compromise my grades or my friends for this little baby that I didn't even consider it, at the time, to be alive. So I got an abortion."

The crickets filled the silence I left it at. He didn't seem angry, or upset, but I still couldn't pick up on his emotions like I normally could. Jacob squeezed my hand a few times, dotting kisses on my shoulder and neck.

"I regret it with every single fiber of my being," I said gently.

Jacob still didn't speak. I let my head fall onto his shoulder and let myself cry about it for the first time since I moved away from Portland. I cried, and cried until Jacob carried me up to the guest room bridal style, where I cried some more. We didn't bother changing out of our street clothes, and lay down with Jacob's arms wrapped protectively around me.

*

My eyes were still sore when I woke up the next morning. The sunshine was way too bright, and I wanted to shoot the sun right out of the sky. It became apparent that Jacob had gotten up already, but I just lay there on my back with a pillow over my face. I had never felt so much regret and depression over my abortion. Maybe it just hadn't hit me until now - I had killed a child, a child who hadn't even had a chance to live yet.

There was a soft knock, and then, "Sarah?" Jacob appeared through the small crack in the door. When he saw I was awake, he came in holding a large glass of what looked like a smoothie.

"Hi," I mumbled, attempting to sit up with my skinny arms. "What's that?" Jacob sat down on the bed beside me, and handed me the glass.

"Banana, mango, papaya, and passion fruit smoothie, because I know you love them." He unwrapped a straw and stuck it into the drink. "I went to Smoothie King this morning to get it."

I smiled meekly, and took a sip. My taste buds exploded in my mouth. "Thank you, Jake."

He caressed my cheek. "Anything for you, love."

After I had gotten myself showered and dressed, with proper makeup to make the swelling in my eyes go down a little, Jacob and I walked down to Julia's house to surprise her. He held my hand the whole way, telling me about how trying to find anything in Portland was almost impossible. I wasn't really listening to him, absorbed in my own little world.

We arrived at Julia's house, and I led him up the front sidewalk to her door. "I don't think you ever met Julia and Anthony," I said as I pressed the doorbell. "Oh, no never mind. You met them right when you asked me to be your girlfriend."

Jacob laughed quietly. "Yeah, I remember that."

Mrs. Bernardi answered the door, her hair a little disheveled and dark bags under her eyes. "Sarah!" She gasped. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Bernardi threw the door open and hugged me. "You look so much older. How are you, sweetheart?"

I smiled. "I'm great. And yourself?"

"Oh, same ol', same ol'. Who's this with you?" Mrs. Bernardi liked to feel young, and so therefore she wore lots of Julia's old clothes. Her hair always had dye in it, whether hi-lights or all over color. No matter, she was still beautiful for the mother of an eighteen year old rebel child.

"This is Jacob, my boyfriend."

Mrs. Bernardi grinned at him, and Jacob smiled politely. "Nice to meet you," he said.

"Wow, this is exciting. She's up in her room right now, if you want to go interrupt whatever she's doing." Mrs. Bernardi gave me another hug, and then disappeared into the other room. I tugged on Jacob's hand and led him upstairs, speeding past all of their family pictures.

"She's so weird," I said to Jacob as we turned a corner. "She would like, insist I eat dinner with them every time I was over."

"That's not too bad, is it?"

I gently tapped on Julia's door, and looked at Jacob. "It is when you're over here every day."

"Come in!" Julia called over her indie music. I pushed the door open and gave Jacob a mischievous grin.

"Julia, you need to clean your room. It's absolutely filthy and that reflects laziness!" I put my hands on my hips and pressed my lips together.

"Sarah, I fucking hate you." She jumped up from her desk and tackled me, squeezing me in a too-tight hug.

"Can't... breathe..." I choked.

"Oops." Julia let go, and then looked at Jacob. "And you brought him with you! Oh my God. Dude, how did you even fit through my front door?"