Suffocate

We pushed our way through the front doors of the mall. I hadn't been here since before the move, and it all seemed weird to me. There were stores replacing others, and they had done other remodeling projects in various parts of the building. "So what's Anthony up to?" I asked, taking Jacob's hand. He had been extremely quiet since we left the house.

"He's probably studying his ass off," Julia replied. "If you'd have come a couple months ago, you would've caught him. He was accepted to Oregon State." We entered Hot Topic, which was considerably smaller than the one in Port Angeles.

"Jesus. How come no one told me?"

"No idea. But hey," Julia took a step back. "I have to piss like a race horse, so stay here while I do that." She ran out of the store and disappeared. I looked at Jacob, and sighed.

"You're so quiet," I whispered.

"I've only met your friends once, remember?" He browsed through the collection of CDs. Jacob had one of the best music tastes I've heard in a while, and he didn't just listen to one genre. "I think she just rubs me the wrong way, that's all."

"That's weird." I pulled out a shirt and held it up to myself, but put it back in distaste. Ever since I've been pregnant, nothing I've found I've liked or it just hasn't fit, and I really don't want to buy it in a bigger size until I have to.

Jacob nudged me. "Can we get out of here? I'm so bored."

I sighed, and shook my head. "No, Jake, because I haven't seen my best friend in almost a year, and who knows when I'll see her next." I frowned at him, and poked his shoulder. "I don't fit in with any of your friends."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, but you owe me."

"And what do I owe you, Jacob?" Saying his full name tasted weird on my tongue. I never did it unless I was angry with him, which hardly ever happened. "I get that you don't like Julia, ok? I just don't want to hear you complaining about it because she's my best friend."

Jacob huffed, and I hugged him.

"What did I miss?" Julia appeared at my side, her hair now tied into a low ponytail.

"Nothing," I answered, releasing Jacob. He kept his annoyed expression on his face. I really didn't want there to be tension, but apparently there was nothing that I could do about it. He wandered to the other side of the store, and Julia poked my shoulder.

"Did you guys get into a fight or something?"

I hated her outspoken personality. I really did. "Sort of, but not really. It was stupid."

*

Julia had to get back home sooner than she intended, so Jacob got what he wanted and I was still upset with him. I threw my bag and myself onto the couch and let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry, Sarah," he said softly. "Really."

"Just forget it, Jake." I closed my eyes and put my wrist over my face. The house was quiet, which was a little weird. There were no televisions left on, and I couldn't hear Mom humming in the kitchen. Growing a little more irritated than I was before, I jumped off of the couch and threw my arms around Jacob's neck. "I love you."

He sighed softly, and kissed my neck. "I love you." Jacob sat down on the arm of the couch and I smiled meekly. "You're so wonderful, Sarah." I kissed his mouth, eyes closed.

"Oh, good, you're home." Mom appeared from downstairs and I pulled back from Jacob, slightly embarrassed. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Anything's good," I responded after no thought at all. I just wanted Mom to back downstairs. "Really, I don't care."

"Me either," Jacob agreed. "Though, I will protest to fast food. That stuff makes me sick."

"Alright. Let me know when you're ready for dinner and we'll order Chinese, or something." She disappeared downstairs and I turned back to Jacob. He smiled at me, and put his giant hands on my hips, pulling me closer.

"Did you ever figure out when you're supposed to be back at work?" He asked, hugging me.

"Ray says to come back whenever I'm feeling better," I answered softly, "which means I could go back tomorrow if I wanted to. I think most of it was feeling guilty." I kissed his hair and inhaled his musky, woodsy smell.

"Makes sense."

I sighed, and moved his head backwards so that I could see him better. Then, I put his hand on my belly, where my stomach was twisting in knots and a tiny person was growing. I stared him in the eyes, and said, "you can't pretend it's not there. So stop it."

Jacob blinked a few times, and then shook his head. "That's not what I'm doing, Sarah."

"Why won't you talk about it, then?"

He stood up and kissed my forehead. "Because I don't know what to say."

Taking a deep breath, I stepped back from him and went upstairs. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does that he can't talk about it, so why did it?

The bedroom was dark when I entered, with our bags still untouched from when we threw them in here. I opened the curtains, letting the last couple of hours of sunlight into the room. There was a thump, and I knew that Jacob had followed me. I turned to look at him, and he frowned. "I need to talk about this," I said, crossing my arms.

"Ok," he said. "Then let's talk about it."

I stared at him for a few moments, my jaw clenched. "I ... I wa - I want this baby."

Jacob smiled meekly. "I know you do." He moved out of the doorway and sat down at the foot of the bed. I stayed where I was, by the window. "I do too, but what are we doing to do if we can't take care of it, Sarah?"

"We can't give the baby away, Jake. What if it gets the gene?" I pushed my hair out of my face, and sighed. I wanted to be smart, and to do what was right, but sometimes the right decision can be the one you don't want to make.

Jacob lay back on the bed, and sighed. "I know." There was a long silence. I swore I could hear Mom playing her online computer games all the way in the basement. Then, "what about Sam and Emily?"

My breath hitched. "What about them?"

"They can't have a baby." Jacob sat up, looking at me. "Emily has some weird condition that would just make her miscarry every time. She's had three so far, I think." I stared at him, my lips pressed together. Jacob frowned.

"I don't think I could watch someone else raise our baby, especially if I would see them every day." I shook my head. "It was a good idea, but ..."

"Sarah, think about it."

"No. Jake, I already ... no. I can't," I whimpered. Dammit, why was this turning out harder than I thought it would? Maybe Jacob should've just avoided the conversation for one more day.

"Ok, ok." He stood up and stepped in front of me, putting his hands on my waist. "We will figure this out." I reached a hand up to his chest and took in a deep, shaky breath.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

Jacob rubbed his thumb along my cheek. "This isn't your fault, sweetheart." His big brown eyes made me melt, and it felt like I had to hold on for dear life to keep my knees from giving out. I took a handful of his shirt and closed my eyes. I was almost sure that this wasn't the conversation that I wanted, but it was something. He talked about it, and now I found myself wishing I hadn't pushed him into it. I didn't want to give up this baby. I had to make up for the life that I killed.

"We have to keep it, Jake," I said.