Suffocate

"Sarah?"

Jacob's voice sounded far away, although he sat right beside me. I'd been sleeping for most of the trip, but the last half hour or so I'd been staring out through the window. It was early evening, and I guessed we'd be home around seven or eight. It had been a pretty mindless trip so far. I tried hard not to think.

"Sarah?" He asked again.

I didn't look at him, "what?" My voice was hoarse, probably from all of the crying.

"I love you." At least he was making an attempt to make me feel better. Nothing would work, though.

"I know." I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the cool glass of the window pane. "At least someone does," I mumbled to myself. Jacob reached for my hand, but I pulled it away before he got a hold of it.

He sighed softly and I kept my eyes closed. "Is there --"

"Jacob," I sighed, finally turning my head to look at him, "please just leave me alone."

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I didn't feel bad for snapping at him. When Jacob was nervous, he had a tendency to talk too much. Sometimes it was beyond annoying. I pushed my hair over my shoulders and glanced at him. His eyes were tired, and I would've been able to see he was upset a mile away. Jacob's eyes caught mine, and he frowned.

The rest of the trip was filled with soft, quiet music and the hum of the tires. I paid little attention to my surroundings, staring mindlessly through the window. My eyes were still swollen and red, and they hurt. But, I couldn't close them or else I'd fall asleep again, and think about what happened.

Jacob squeezed my knee gently, and I sat up, covering his hand with mine. His warm skin felt good.

We entered Port Angeles, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. My stomach was rumbling every couple of minutes, but I refused to acknowledge it. Jacob kept glancing over at me like he wanted to speak, but then turned back to the road.

"I, um..." Jacob started. "How are you feeling?"

I let my eyes close for a moment, but then opened them a moment later to keep myself awake. "Like shit," I answered.

He threaded our fingers together and I sighed. Port Angeles had never looked so boring, so bland. As we turned onto my street, I focused my attention and energy into staying awake. My heart dropped when we pulled into the driveway. I held Jacob's fingers tighter, unwilling to let go. He killed the engine, and looked at me, frowning. "You ok, babe?"

I sighed, and pulled him closer to me. "I just don't want to go inside," I whispered. His breath was on my face, warming my skin. He smiled, and I touched his lips to mine. "I love you."

Jacob pushed some hair behind my ear. "I love you, too."

We kissed again. I closed my eyes and hung on for as long as I could. My fingers curled in his hair, and I clenched my eyes shut. Please don't make me go in there, I begged Jacob in my head. Please.

Jacob pushed me away, but only creating enough space to breathe. "I'll be here in the morning, ok? After I'm done with the patrol." He brushed his fingers down my cheek and kissed me softly once more. I sighed softly and got out of the car. This weekend had been dreadful, with a few exceptions. I needed to get back to work within the next few days or Raymond would definitely come looking for me, and I might lose my job. I couldn't afford that. With a heavy, exhausted sigh, I turned back towards the house and headed inside. It was quiet, and most of the lights had been turned off, but when I looked at the clock I realized that it was only eight thirty. Where the hell was everyone?

"Dad?" I called, rubbing my eyes. "Brenda?"

There was a thump from upstairs, but I paused before deciding to go up and see what was going on. My room was untouched, just the way I had left it when I left on Thursday. Down the hall was Liz's room, the room that no one had entered since she died. "Dad?" I called, inching my way over to her door. Liz's door. There was another thump. Tentatively, I pushed the door open and poked my head through the archway. Dad was standing near her old bookshelf, brushing the pads of his fingers along the spines of the mainstream novels. I always thought that Liz had had a terrible taste in literature, and while she preferred the House of Night novels, I would read Little Women. "Are you alright?" I asked, pushing the door so that it swung all the way open.

Dad sighed. "She was such a wonderful girl." It was quiet, but the house was so desolate I would've been able to hear a pin drop. "I can't believe it's been eight months already."

I chewed on my lip, not quite sure if I should say something or not. So, I stood where I was.

"I'm sorry. I ..." Dad turned to look at me, and then with a quick swipe at his hair, he walked out of the room. "I'm glad you're home, Sarah." And without another word, he disappeared downstairs.

*

"You've got until tomorrow off, right?"

Jacob took my hand and spun me around as if we were dancing. It had been a virtually sleepless night and I was exhausted. But he had promised to see me. I inhaled deeply, and nodded my head. "Yeah. I just spoke to Ray this morning to make sure."

"What did he say?" Jacob finally pulled me towards him, snaking his arms around my waist. I kissed him, a small surge of adrenaline coursing through my body. His breath hitched. When I pulled away, his eyes were closed. I smiled.

"He just said, that," I shrugged, "as long as I'm feeling well I'll be able to jump right back in." Jacob pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes still closed. "As in, he's not going to throw me on kitchen duty if I feel alright."

"That's good, I guess," Jacob whispered. His breath was hot against my skin, and it made me shiver.

I sighed, and for a moment thought that I heard Dad pulling into the driveway. No matter how hard that I fought him over it, Dad was still not allowing Jacob to be here without adult supervision at all times. So we hung out while he and Brenda were at work. When the car passed, I felt relieved.

"We shouldn't be sneaking around, ya know," Jacob whispered, as if he read my mind. "I don't want you to get into trouble."

I looked at him, and then let my head fall against his chest. "Don't worry about it, Jake." No matter how tired or emotionally distressed I was, I always wanted his company.

"I love you," he whispered, and then placed small, light kisses along my neck and shoulder.

"Aww," I cooed, pushing my fingers through his hair. "I love you too." We kissed, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. "I love you so much."