‹ Prequel: Butterfly Cry
Sequel: Falling Apart ›
My Last Resolve
Version Who Knows
Dear Titus Dad,
I try that every time. I should know by now that I can't make myself call you by your first name no matter how much I think you deserve it. And trust me, I do think you deserve. After everything that has happened. I can't think of you as a father, but I can't seem to call you anything else either. I guess that's what it means to be human. You're twisted inside and you can never figure out how to get it all right.
I suppose that I could go back and tell you about all the things that you have done wrong. You probably won't even remember most of them. Not because you were ever drunk or high like some men, but simply because they were probably things that didn't seem that important to you. I know that they were important to me though. Every single one of those things changed me. If only you could have seen that too.
I suppose that I could blame you too. I'm honestly tired of that. I'm blaming you for everything that I screwed up in my life. I don't want to blame you anymore. I would rather forget. In some ways, I suppose I would rather blame myself. I know that that won't help either. Because you won't understand. You never do. The one time I sent you a letter proved that.
How can I explain it then? How can I get through any of it. You brought me into this world, but you aren't a parent. Not a real parent. How can I say that and show it to you without killing us both even more than I already have? I still want to be your little girl and I still want to hate you. And it's not fair because I don't know if I'll ever be able to overcome those feelings. And no matter what you do, I think that it'll only ever be worse every time you try.
I will thank you for being with mom to have me and the boys. I will thank you for taking mom to church. But I can thank you for more than that? I know that you want to talk to us, but now...now it feels too late and it hurts so much to try. I don't have to hide away anymore after I talk to you. I bet you never knew I did that. Mom wouldn't have told you and the boys probably didn't either.
I may want to save your soul, but I have to save mine first. I can't keep living this lie of wanting to even try to befriend you. There is a song called "Second Chance" and I think of that song now as I think of you. I think that in this case, we have to say good-bye. For a little bit in some way. Because I keep pulling myself down. I get weighed down by my emotions and my guilt and my love for you and for others. It's killing me, but I won't let anyone see it. So I suppose that...I suppose that in the end I will have to confess it. Admit it in some way. This is my way of doing that.
Doesn't mean I'll ever act on it.
I love you. I hate you. I care about you. But in the end, none of it will ever matter because I'll kill myself trying to feel good enough and that day will never come. I know that. I realize that. If only you could see it too maybe the two of us could find some kind of peace.
Sincerely,
Your Eldest
I try that every time. I should know by now that I can't make myself call you by your first name no matter how much I think you deserve it. And trust me, I do think you deserve. After everything that has happened. I can't think of you as a father, but I can't seem to call you anything else either. I guess that's what it means to be human. You're twisted inside and you can never figure out how to get it all right.
I suppose that I could go back and tell you about all the things that you have done wrong. You probably won't even remember most of them. Not because you were ever drunk or high like some men, but simply because they were probably things that didn't seem that important to you. I know that they were important to me though. Every single one of those things changed me. If only you could have seen that too.
I suppose that I could blame you too. I'm honestly tired of that. I'm blaming you for everything that I screwed up in my life. I don't want to blame you anymore. I would rather forget. In some ways, I suppose I would rather blame myself. I know that that won't help either. Because you won't understand. You never do. The one time I sent you a letter proved that.
How can I explain it then? How can I get through any of it. You brought me into this world, but you aren't a parent. Not a real parent. How can I say that and show it to you without killing us both even more than I already have? I still want to be your little girl and I still want to hate you. And it's not fair because I don't know if I'll ever be able to overcome those feelings. And no matter what you do, I think that it'll only ever be worse every time you try.
I will thank you for being with mom to have me and the boys. I will thank you for taking mom to church. But I can thank you for more than that? I know that you want to talk to us, but now...now it feels too late and it hurts so much to try. I don't have to hide away anymore after I talk to you. I bet you never knew I did that. Mom wouldn't have told you and the boys probably didn't either.
I may want to save your soul, but I have to save mine first. I can't keep living this lie of wanting to even try to befriend you. There is a song called "Second Chance" and I think of that song now as I think of you. I think that in this case, we have to say good-bye. For a little bit in some way. Because I keep pulling myself down. I get weighed down by my emotions and my guilt and my love for you and for others. It's killing me, but I won't let anyone see it. So I suppose that...I suppose that in the end I will have to confess it. Admit it in some way. This is my way of doing that.
Doesn't mean I'll ever act on it.
I love you. I hate you. I care about you. But in the end, none of it will ever matter because I'll kill myself trying to feel good enough and that day will never come. I know that. I realize that. If only you could see it too maybe the two of us could find some kind of peace.
Sincerely,
Your Eldest