Heartache

"Really, I'll be fine," I reassured Dimitri for what seemed like the millionth time that morning. I was trying to push him toward the door, but he was refusing to leave. "I can survive by myself for just a little while."

He snorted with laughter. "You're not getting me to go anywhere."

"Not even for an hour?"

"Not even for a minute. You want to spend more time with me and now I'm here." He swiftly turned around. "And it's my job."

"But there's a line between quality time and suffocation."

He rolled his eyes and walked around me, taking a seat on my bed. "Just do what you're going to do. Pretend I'm not here."

I gaped at him. "It's pretty difficult to ignore a big Russian sitting on my bed."

"Would you rather I closed my eyes and, technically, not watch?"

"I just want you to leave while I shower and get dressed." I normally wouldn't care if someone was in my room while I groom myself, but it's different with Dimitri. Yeah, he's seen me completely nude, but that was under the lust charm and, even then when all of my emotions were amplified and out of my control, I was self-conscious.

"Why not warn me when you're about to leave the bathroom after your shower?"

It was no wonder our personalities, no matter how similar they were, clashed as often as they did. He was so stubborn. I felt my face fall and my cheeks heat up. "Don't you have something else to do rather than sit around and play the role as my bodyguard?"

He coolly raised one eyebrow. "As I said, it's my job. That is until Guardian Petrov orders otherwise." If he noticed that I was blushing, he didn't let on. "That is the only way you'll be able to get rid of me."

"But—"

"Rose," he warned, "don't even bother arguing. You won't win."

I glared at him before storming into the bathroom and slamming the door behind me. Throwing a tantrum wasn't doing me much favor at the moment, but I didn't want to think it through nor did I really care. I just decided to calm down and think things over in a hot shower.

First, I wasn't going to ignore the fact that I'd been through a lot in the last twenty-four hours. I, along with four others, escaped the clutches of the burly human assistants of Strigoi, behead those Strigoi with a dull sword, and managed to only have a few minor injuries, the worst being burns from when Christian melted the flexi-cuffs. I may have come out alive, but I felt so stressed and almost guilty. Dimitri had been right about killing Strigoi. Even though they had been turned and were now considered evil and no longer living, they were Moroi, dhampir, or human and living at one point in time. That factor made it difficult to do my job as a guardian and kill them.

Second, Dimitri declined Tasha's offer. I told him to accept it, but, of course, he didn't listen. All it took was me running off and the panic he went through. So, despite the stoic exterior, he truly did care for me. That should have been enough for me to let it go. I just couldn't though. He was giving up becoming a father, something I knew he truly wanted to be. Something I couldn't give him. Yet he says that he would only be pretending to be happy had he accepted her offer. He was, more or less, inferring that I made him happy.

Third, my mom actually seemed to care for my well-being. I'd asked Dimitri how everything was handled with the disappearance of five students. He explained the typical guardian strategies. He wasn't exactly a fan of how I viewed my mother and purposely slipped in a few details on how she reacted. Honestly my opinion of my mother didn't change a lot after he shared those details. But hey, it's difficult to not hold a grudge at her for leaving me to be raised by the academy and only show up in my life when her Moroi decided to visit.

I let out a heavy sigh as I felt the water begin to cool down. I quickly turned the water off and climbed out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapped it around myself. I then exited the bathroom and shuffled over to the closet.

I glanced over my shoulder to see that Dimitri was lying down with hands clasped together and his eyes tightly shut. I couldn't help but laugh. Nothing got in the way of his duty.

The corners of his mouth turned upward, but he continued to keep his eyes closed. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," I muttered, pulling a random shirt and a pair of jeans off some hangers. "Nothing at all."

The smile faded and he began to twiddle his thumbs. I had just put on undergarments and about asked him what was wrong, but he began talking before I could. "Guardian Petrov called. She said that Mason has woken up. You can go visit him if you'd like."

I frowned. I wasn't sure how I'd react to seeing Mason because, at that moment, I felt responsible for him being injured in the first place. I wanted to apologize, but I probably couldn't any time soon.

Dimitri noticed my lapse in silence. He sat up, eyes now open, and looked me over. "Rose, what's wrong?"

I gnawed at the inside of my cheek and not because I still hadn't put on the shirt or jeans. I didn't know what to say to him. So I avoided eye contact.

"Rose, you can tell me anything." His long legs swung over the edge of the bed and he stood up. "The least you could do is look at me."

I ignored that and turned my gaze to the ceiling. "I'm just so confused."

"Confused about what?" He was right in front of me now.

"Everything," I groaned and buried my face in his chest. My voice came out muffled. "I feel like all of this is my fault. Mason wouldn't have a concussion if I could have kept a secret. You trusted me and I let you down…"

His calloused hands caressed my cheeks. "Roza, it's not your fault. He made the decision to go back inside the house. He made the decision to go to Spokane in the first place. The only thing I wish you would have done differently is that you should have told someone rather than taking Christian along with you out of the state…but it could have been your irrational thinking that saved—"

"How? I got all five of us kidnapped. They left in critical condition because of me."

"Rose, no." His voice sounded strained. His grip on my face tightened. "Because of you, they're alive. You saved them from further exhaustion and injuries. You prevented the worst from happening. That is why I'm proud of you. You did what you had to do to keep them safe." Dimitri exhaled. "And you have no idea how glad I am that you're still alive."

I shifted my weight and finally looked him in the eyes. I think I was on the verge of tears; my eyes were stinging. "I feel like I shouldn't be, though."

"Don't think like that!" A line creased in his forehead. "Do you know how many people would be suffering if you had died? I know that I couldn't live with myself knowing I could have prevented it." He shook his head. "If there's anything I've realized over the past few days, it's how I feel about you, Rose."

I gulped. "And how do you feel?"

He smiled sadly. "I hate that it took your disappearance to realize this and I apologize that it did, but I love you."

I choked on a sob. "I—I love you, too."

His smile turned genuine and I felt like I would melt. I loved his smile almost as much as his laugh. He started to lean down toward me. Ever impatient, I slid my arms around his neck and pulled his face down the rest of the way to crash my lips to his. For the first time he didn't pull away. He almost seemed urgent about kissing me. One of his hands tangled itself in my damp hair. The other had moved down to my waist and Dimitri pulled me closer to him. I don't know, nor did I really care, how I ended up lying down on my bed with him hovering above me, but I just went with it. I needed his touch, his kiss. I needed him.

I fumbled over the top few buttons of his shirt, but I calmed down and found myself pushing his shirt off his shoulders, down his arms, and tossing it somewhere in the room. I took the chance to admire his well-toned abs and chest.

Again I felt self-conscious. My body attracted plenty of attention from Moroi and dhampirs my age alike, but Dimitri was older, probably more experienced… It amazed me that he ever gave me the time of day.

Sensing my discomfort, Dimitri pulled away. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied. "I'm just thinking."

He nuzzled my neck. "Do you want to talk about it some more?"

Of course I don't want to talk about it, I said in my head. I wanted more than anything to say it aloud, but Dimitri would never let it go. "I just…don't know what to think right now. I didn't expect to almost regret killing Strigoi."

"It's perfectly normal for you to feel that way," he said as he lied next to me, draping an arm across my bare midriff. "It's still taking a life. You probably won't ever get used to it, but it will be your duty once you become a guardian." With his other hand, he began playing with a strand of my hair. "I know that's not all that's on your mind and whatever else you're thinking about won't stop bothering you until you talk about it."

I avoided his gaze by staring at the ceiling. I was sure that if I looked at him, my emotions would betray me and I would begin to cry. "I know how much you want to be a father, Dimitri. I don't understand why you're passing on the opportunity to have a family. I'm certainly not worth it."

"It'd be great to have a family, but I just don't feel that way about Tasha and I won't pretend that I do. I know that it's impossible, but if I were to have a family, it'd be with you." He sighed. "If I accepted, I have this feeling that you wouldn't be stable. Not accepting her offer is worth it, Rose. You're worth it. I don't know what I have to do to prove that."

Truth be told, even I didn't know what he would have to do to prove that I was worth everything he was giving up. I felt even more confused than before.

I wanted to avoid further discussion on that, so I changed the subject. "How much longer is my mother staying here?"

"A few days. She's staying until after your molnija ceremony."

"Ah, I see." I tore my gaze away from the ceiling and finally looked at him again. "When exactly is that?"

He stopped playing with my hair. "Tomorrow after breakfast."

"Does it hurt?" I asked without much thought.

"It stings the first few times, but it doesn't hurt." Dimitri smiled a small smile. "Just think of something so that you don't completely focus on the needle."

I thought about that for a moment or two. It was typical advice, but it usually worked. Maybe, just maybe, if I explicitly thought about a certain Russian long enough, I'd be able to avoid feeling whatever pain the needle brought. I grinned mischievously at Dimitri.

He raised one eyebrow curiously and asked, "Rose, what are you going to do?"

"Nothing for now. I just thought of the perfect thing to think about tomorrow morning."

His gaze hardened into a glare. "Do I want to know?"

"You probably want to be shown," I mused.

"Rose," he chastised.

"What?" I batted my eyelashes innocently. "It's no worse than the situation we're in at the moment."

Something must have clicked in his mind because he climbed off the bed and wandered off to some part of the room.

I frowned, propping myself up on my elbows. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to find…" he muttered as he bent over to retrieve his shirt. Without looking at me, he ordered, "Get dressed."

I would have loved to just lie in his arms for the rest of eternity, but did as he said anyway. I pulled on the shirt and stepped into the jeans I had picked out earlier, all while glaring at the back of Dimitri's head.

We walked in silence around campus. After a few minutes, I registered where we were heading. I tried to walk off in another direction, but Dimitri took hold of my wrist and pulled me along behind him.

I groaned. "Do we have to go there? I don't know what to say. As a matter of fact—"

I was pulled into Lissa's head then.

She was sitting with Christian in the church's attic. He was mumbling sweet nothings to her as he slowly rubbed circles in her back. She was worried about everyone, especially Christian and me. Sure she was with him at the moment, but she still hadn't seen me since before Christian and I left the ski lodge.

"Liss, Rose is with Belikov. He won't let anything happen to her," Christian said.

"I just want to see her. That way I know she's all right," Lissa sobbed.

"Let her see Ashford first at least."

Lissa grumbled incoherently, but didn't argue any further.

I forced myself out of my mind, finding that I was still in the middle of campus. Dimitri had stopped us and looked around aimlessly.

"Christian's with her. She'll be preoccupied for a little while," I said with a grimace.

Dimitri turned his attention to me. "So I won't be taking you to the infirmary against your will now?"

I shrugged. "I'd rather go there than walk in on those two."

"I see," he said with a nod. It amazed me how much he ignored reporting rule violations when Lissa or I was involved. "Let's not keep Mason waiting any longer."

Damn. I didn't really think that through. I had to think of the perfect way to tell Mason that we're better off as friends and an excuse if he asks why. I sighed.

"He'll understand whatever you decide to tell him."

"I just wish I knew what that is. I can't exactly tell him 'We can't be any more than friends, Mase. Why, you ask? Oh, because I love my mentor. Sorry 'bout that.'" I rolled my eyes. "That wouldn't go down too well."

Dimitri's mouth fell into a thin line and his eyes narrowed. "Tell him what I told you."

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "You've told me a lot of things. Elaborate, please."

"Try something along the lines of 'We can't focus on a relationship. We need to focus on training and our eventual charges.'"

"Then I'll be a hypocrite," I pointed out.

He sighed. "Then tell him as much of the truth as you can."

"What do you mean?" To be perfectly honest, I was two seconds from punching him in the jaw. He was being too vague.

"You don't see him as more than a friend, right?" I nodded and he continued. "Tell him that. Seriously, the temptation to slap Dimitri was growing with each second. I opted to gape at him. I guess he took my extended silence as a sign to continue. "It may seem cruel, but it's better to tell him now than to drag it out longer than necessary. I don't really know Mason, but he might take whatever you say offensively."

"Did you ever give your sisters relationship advice?" I don't know why I asked that, but my tongue seemed to have a mind and control of its own at times.

"On occasion," he replied with a smile.

Despite his smile, I saw a bit of longing in his features. I looked around to see if anyone was around. There were a few, so I decided to not reach over and grab his hand.

I sighed. "How much do you want to see them?"

"More than you'd believe." He looked at me and his smile became more genuine. "I wish I knew how you read me so easily."

"Probably how you read me so easily too."

"That's the problem," he mused. "I don't understand how I do that either, Roza."

My heart fluttered at the use of my name in Russian. Whatever negativity, if any, he felt toward me earlier had dissipated. I grinned. "Neither do I."

We continued the rest of the way to the infirmary in that comfortable silence of ours. No further words were needed. I finally found myself in front of the closed door of Mason's room. I glanced up at Dimitri.

"I'm going to be in there with you, but I won't eavesdrop or anything," he assured me. Not that I cared if he listened or not and I'm sure he knew that. "I would give you privacy, but this is my job."

"It's your job to stalk your students?" I mock-frowned. "Well, student, but—"

"Rose, quit stalling and just knock on the door," he said with a roll of his eyes.

I deeply exhaled, and then knocked on the door before pushing it open a little and peeking in the room. I spotted Mason beaming at me. I took that as a 'come in', so I did. Dimitri followed, but he went to stand on the opposite side of the room from the bed. I sat down in a chair at bedside.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Like…I'm not going to lie. I feel like shit," Mason replied as he rubbed the back of his head.

I nodded, thinking back to when I came face to face with Natalie Dashkov as a Strigoi. She had, more or less, manhandled me. "Yeah, being thrown against a wall by a Strigoi isn't the greatest experience."

"Definitely not." There was something different about his gaze and I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" I raised my hand and ran it across my face.

Mason laughed. "There's nothing on your face. And you look as beautiful as you always do."

I looked down at my hands resting in my lap. His compliments were going to make this conversation that much more difficult.

"Hey," Mason whispered. "Are you okay?"

I averted my gaze to Dimitri, who may have been staring at nothing in particular, but I could see the worry etched in his features. I sighed. "I'm fine."

"Rose—"

"No really, I'm fine." I looked at him and flashed him my best smile. "I'm not the one in the hospital bed…for once. I should be the one asking 'are you okay', not you."

He rolled his eyes. "And I told you that I don't feel all too well."

"Actually, I recall you saying that you feel like shit. Not that it makes much of a difference." After that, neither of us said anything. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't all that comfortable. I decided to break it. "So…what do you want to talk about?"

"I'm not sure." His eyes narrowed slightly as he thought it over. "Hmm…What have you been up to since…since we got back?"

Dammit. I shifted back in the chair and folded my legs on the seat. "I've hardly done anything. I've mostly slept since we got here." It wasn't a lie, but not the entire truth. Though, I was hoping I'd get the courage to give the 'let's just be friends' speech.

"That's it?"

"Yeah. What did you expect for me to do? Climb Mount Everest?"

"Of course not," he snorted. "I just expected you to do something else is all."

I nodded. Well, I had done something, but I didn't think mentioning my romantic escapade with Dimitri earlier would be all too wise. "I would have, but I was exhausted. I needed sleep."

"I understand." He smiled. "You kicked major ass, you know. I didn't expect you to cut their heads off like that." I flinched, but he continued speaking as if he didn't notice. "I can't forget Mia either. That water sphere was cool. I just wonder where she learned how to do it…"

I'd wondered that too. And, speaking of Mia, I still needed to thank her. Mason and I or at least one of us wouldn't be alive if it weren't for her.

I shrugged. "I have no clue, but I owe her an apology. Water is definitely not a useless element."

"It's not," he agreed. "How is everyone anyway? I haven't been up too long and, no matter how many times I ask, no one will tell me anything."

I shrugged. "They're fine, I believe. I was told Mia and Christian only needed to go to the feeders and Eddie was supposed to be released this morning. I don't know anything more than that, though. Sorry."

"They haven't told you either?" he asked incredulously.

"Hey, I haven't been up that long either," I snapped. "And, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't in the best state to register much information last night."

He gaped at me. "There's no need to be so defensive."

"I'm not being defensive."

Mason frowned. "Rose, what's wrong with you?"

It was my turn to gape at him. Nothing was wrong with me. I only felt a little irritated. He wasn't helping that matter either. Though…it was giving me courage to end whatever fling we were having. I grimaced. "Nothing's wrong, but I do want to talk to you about something."

He shifted in the bed and, with great effort, sat up. His expression screamed that he was frustrated with the struggle he had with simply sitting up. He grunted, but didn't say anything.

I looked down at my hands in my lap again. "You know that you're my best friend, right?"

"Of course," he replied.

"Well…" I was playing with various ways to tell him that we were better off as friends. Each way made me think of a heartbroken or a furious Mason. Dammit. "I think it's best that we just stay friends and nothing more."

"What led you to that?" he asked almost indifferently.

"I just…I just don't have romantic feelings for you." I deeply exhaled. "I'm sorry." There was an extended silence. Worried, I looked up at him. "Mason?"

He tightly closed his eyes. "I wish I knew what I'm doing wrong."

I deeply exhaled, sparing a glance at Dimitri. He nodded in encouragement for me to continue. I looked back at Mason. "You're not doing anything wrong. Sometimes people are just better off as friends." That, and I happen to have feelings for a certain mentor of mine, I silently added. "There is someone for you, but—"

"Could you just leave? I really need to think." He kept his eyes closed.

"Yeah, sure." I stood up from the chair. "If you want to talk—"

"I'm sure Doctor Olendzki will get the message to you, Rose," Dimitri interrupted.

With that, Dimitri and I quietly left the room. Neither of us said anything until we got back to my room.

"You handled that well," Dimitri said as he sat next to me on the bed.

I snorted. "Yeah, then explain why I feel lower than dirt."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. "You don't want to hurt him, but—"

"Dimitri, I feel as if I'm lying to him."

"Why's that?"

"I only let the fling—if that's what you can call it—go on for as long as it did because I was sure that you would take Tasha's offer, or at least I expected you to not give me the time of day."

"In other words, you thought you'd grow to love Mason and leave our relationship in the past?"

"Pretty much, yeah." I shrugged. "I wish we didn't have to be so secretive about it. It would be great to just be able to hold your hand in public one day, but—"

"Before you finish," he said, quickly kissing my forehead, "you should know that I want nothing more than to express my feelings in public. I assure you that, one day soon, we will be able to do so. Until then, will it be enough if I don't push you away whenever we're alone?"

"I can deal with that." I sighed. "That's all I asked for in the beginning anyway."

He chuckled. "Well, I apologize for such a delay."

I laughed, clenching the fabric of his shirt with both hands. "As long as you keep your word, I won't be complaining."

"Well then," he said with a smile in his voice, "that's more motivation."

I grimaced as I looked up at his uncharacteristic smug facial expression. "Hey! What kind of mentoring is that? Aren't you supposed to be—?"

All other words were drowned out by his lips crashing on mine. Truth be told, I couldn't recall what I was even going to say. The things the man does to me.