Heartache

Chapter Four

I found myself sitting on a beach. Suspicious, I looked down and, sure enough, I was wearing a red bikini top and jean shorts—short shorts, in fact.

I groaned when I heard someone say 'little dhampir' from behind me, confirming my unfortunate thoughts.

"What, you're not happy to see me?" Adrian mused as he sat down next to me.

I shot him a sidelong glance. "No. I'd much rather be able to sleep."

He laughed. "How many times do I have to tell you? You are asleep."

"Yeah," I muttered, "but this ranks up there with some of the nightmares I've had."

"I highly doubt that," he said.

"You're right." I stared at a random crab that was scurrying around a tide pool. "This is much worse."

We sat in silence, other than the sound of the tide crashing against the shore for a few moments. It surprised me that Adrian wasn't trying to say something every few seconds, but I accepted his lack of words gladly. Really, it probably saved me from waking up with a headache.

I stretched out my legs and leaned back, using my elbows to support my weight. "So, what brings you to stalking my dreams tonight?"

He let out a sigh. "Is it such a crime that I wanted to see how you were doing? I haven't seen you in days."

"It's not like I've been back for a week…" I frowned. "I've only left my room to visit Mason and get something to eat. Both against my will, mind."

"Why against your will?" he asked.

"Because—" I shook my head quickly as if to clear it. "No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted. And I still feel like everything that happened in Spokane is my fault…That's despite how many times Dimitri tells me that it's not."

"You should listen to him." Adrian placed his hand on my shoulder. "It's not your fault, no matter your original role. You ended up saving four lives, including your own, and you killed Strigoi. If you ask me that exceeds any fault on your behalf."

Why couldn't anyone just say that it was my fault and be done with it? Better yet, why am I surrounded by such modest people? And why did they always seem to be teaching me lessons?

I opted to glare at Adrian's hand on my shoulder. "If you know what's best for you, you'll take your hand off my shoulder."

His hand lingered for a moment, but he dropped it back to his side. "Apart what you've just told me, how are you doing?"

"Overwhelmed," I replied without thinking. I contemplated over whether or not I could be completely honest with Adrian. I knew I could trust him since he had kept my relationship with Dimitri a secret so far, but I wasn't the type to blurt out exactly what I was feeling, contrary to my impulsive nature. I let out a sigh. "It's amazing I haven't slammed my head into the wall yet—"

"Belikov would prevent that even if you tried."

I ignored his comment and continued, "So much has happened in the past few days. I was held captive in a basement, my inability to keep a secret led to others' suffering, I made my first kills…I think I broke Mason's heart. Dimitri and Tasha's friendship is shot to hell and he has this repulsive burn on his arm now…I'm causing so much trouble."

There was a lapse in silence, so I turned to look at Adrian. He was staring at me intently as if trying to structure a comment perfectly. My outbursts weren't that unexpected were they? Sure they were uncommon for me, but I think with everything I've been through lately, I deserve to vent. That should come as no surprise to anyone.

"Why are you telling me all this?"

I blinked, trying my best not to gape at him. "Are you really asking that? You annoy the hell out of me, but I just feel I can trust you." For a brief moment, he grinned, but it was gone all too quickly and replaced by a serious expression. It was so uncharacteristic of him; I would much rather face the flirtatious, annoying Adrian than this serious one. I frowned and asked, "What?"

He shook his head. "I really think you're just being hard on yourself. None of what happened is your fault—"

"All of this started when I told Mason where the Strigoi had been tracked down! Dimitri trusted me with that information, and look at what happened. I let my emotions get the better of me. How can you sit there and tell me it's not my fault? How can Dimitri even stand to be in the same room as me for betraying his trust?"

"Because it wasn't your choice for them to go to Spokane. They chose to go. Why can you not—" Adrian shook his head again. I was going to ask what made him shut up but thought better of it. He sighed. "Just think about it. Everyone was more worried about harm being done to you five, not that you disobeyed any orders."

I grimaced. "No, I'm sure they were more worried about Christian and Mia. They wouldn't have done anything if it were just Eddie, Mason, and me. They come first."

Adrian rolled his eyes. "Not everyone was like that. I've never seen a grown man, let alone a guardian, panic more than Belikov when word got out you were missing. And I never thought I'd see the day I saw any emotion on Janine Hathaway's face…And Lissa—"

"I know how she felt. I saw how they felt when I could check in," I snapped. "No one would have gone through that if I knew when to shut up."

He exhaled, lying back in the sand. His sudden resignation was like a slap in the face. Was I actually being unreasonable to the point where Adrian would give up?

He must have sensed my mood change because he gave me a small smile. I returned the small and lay back as well. A question lingered in my mind and I just couldn't help myself. "How long do you think you're staying at the academy?"

I heard him grunt, and after a few seconds, saw him now lying on his side facing me. "As long as it takes. I could stay until the end of the year."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, doesn't that just make my day? How am I going to put up with you for the next several months?"

He threw his hand over his heart and rolled onto his back again. "You're killing me, little dhampir. I'm not that bad am I?"

I laughed, now turning on my side to face him. "You're not the worst…I mean, there are Strigoi…"

He mock-glared at me, but then he looked down at a watch I hadn't noticed before. He let out a sigh. "As much as I'd love to stay and chat, I need some sleep of my own. I'll see you at breakfast."

Before I could reply, his dream faded away and I returned to oblivion.

Later I slowly opened my eyes to meet the brown ones I loved so much gazing down at me. "I could get used to waking up like this," I breathed.

Dimitri rolled his eyes, but he still smiled. "You've already slept through the alarm clock and I was generous enough to let you sleep an extra ten minutes, but you really have to get up now."

"But I like it here," I whined.

"Get up now. Or I'll make you get up," he said sternly.

I smirked. "You just made it that much easier for me to stay where I am."

"Rose." His eyes narrowed. "Get. Up. Now. Or so help me..." I just stared expectantly at him. He mumbled something in Russian right before he rolled me off the bed.

I landed on the floor with a loud thud. I lay there for a moment, glaring at the ceiling. And then he had the audacity to peer over the side of the bed. So I decided to flip him off. At which he laughed a boisterous laugh. The sound wrapped around me like a soft caress.

Just like that my anger dissipated and I was smiling. "You're in a good mood today," I mused.

He smiled one of those beautiful, rare smiles. "Why wouldn't I be in a good mood?"

I tried to shrug, but lying on the floor made it look like an odd shoulder gesture I'm sure. "Well, you pushed me off the bed. That's not really my ideal way to wake up." I forced myself to frown. "I had a much, much nicer way in mind."

"If we weren't short on time, maybe I'd consider it."

I quickly sat up, despite my back's protests, and looked at him the best I could. "Really?"

"No," he replied with a shake of his head. "Now get up and start getting ready. Before I get your mother in here."

I snorted. "Who do you think she'll be angrier at if you do? Me for taking forever to get up? Or you for being in my bed half-naked?"

"Rose, just get ready." His tone had finality to it, and I knew better than anyone to not argue with him when he was like this.

And so I did. I took my usual shower, reluctantly changed into the dark jeans and black sweater Dimitri picked out, bickered with him about his choice in clothes, and finally got around to fixing my hair.

I was sitting on my bed, trying my best to not throw my shoes across the room. Dimitri had also picked them out, and they just so happened to be flats I'd never worn before. And I hadn't worn them for good reasons. One: I never had a chance to wear them since I spent most of my time training. Two: They didn't go with clothes I wore for training. Three: Flats hurt like hell the first few times I wore them. So flats, along with any shoe that didn't have laces, resided in the back of my closet, collecting dust.

Dimitri returned to my room the moment I slid one flat off. Despite his new confidence in me being stable enough to last a few minutes alone, I was still frustrated about his choice in clothes and shoes. I took advantage of him being caught off guard and threw the flat at his face. Well, I aimed for his face anyway.

He was more alert than I gave him credit. He caught the shoe in one hand while typing something on his phone with the other. "You do realize that shoes go on your feet, right? This is no substitute for a ball," he said as he waved the flat a few times.

I rolled my eyes. "It wouldn't be such an issue if I could have chosen what I was wearing."

"You would have chosen something too casual or too inappropriate." He was still doing something on his phone as he spoke. "What I chose is a feasible replacement to formal guardian attire until you graduate."

I would have made a comment, but then I noticed he was wearing a clean cut suit. I had seen him in the typical guardian attire for formal events, but I hadn't grown used to it. I usually saw him in loose sweats and t-shirts for training or jeans, a t-shirt, and that damn duster. His hair was usually hastily pulled back, but now it looked like he actually took time to fix it.

I grinned. "No need to get all dressed up for me, comrade."

He coolly raised an eyebrow as he shut his phone. "Don't even start, Rose."

I rolled my eyes at his determination to avoid physical contact. As if missing a few minutes of breakfast would really affect me. I decided not to argue…verbally. I simply decided to do various things with my hair to get his attention. It was a shallow tactic on my behalf, but why not use what I know to my advantage?

And oh how I knew he loved my hair. His infatuation was evident long before the lust charm. He had absently twirled my hair around his finger on more than one occasion. He'd even told me not to cut my hair like nearly every female guardian decided to do so that their marks could be seen easily; instead, he insisted I wore it up.

I pointedly ignored his reactions and kept my eyes focused on the door of my dorm. I had just leaned forward, allowing every strand of hair to fall in front of my face and shoulders, when I was tackled and ended up with my back against my recently made bed. My hair sprawled out around my head, only a few strands lingering in my face.

I stared up at Dimitri. His eyes were probing, his face etched in frustration. As per usual, I had no control and found myself grinning cockily. "Is there a problem?" I breathed.

His lips were pressed together in a thin line, but I heard the growl muffle in the back of his throat. It was obvious he was fighting for self-control. Should he follow through with his own desires? Or should he listen to his duty?

Of course, the latter won out.

Dimitri placed a chaste kiss on my lips before slowly, almost reluctantly, crawling off me and the bed altogether. He then extended his hand to me and I took it. He pulled me up into a standing position, ignoring the not-so-nice comments I was mumbling about taking things too seriously. I would have said I wasn't hungry, but my stomach had a mind of its own and growled. This made him laugh again before he dragged me out of the dorm.

We made our way to the commons. The atmosphere around us had changed. It was the day I would be getting my two molnija marks. I would still be a novice, but I'd officially be set apart from the others in just a few hours.

Honestly…I wasn't looking forward to it. I was glad to have killed Strigoi, but as Dimitri told me so many times I've lost count, I was still taking a life in a way. Strigoi were Moroi, dhampir, or human at some point in time and they lose their souls when they're turned—by will or by force. Not only did I take two lives, but also I put the lives of my friends at risk. The pain, the suffering, the trauma…all could have been prevented if I had just kept my mouth shut.

I don't know when I got there, but I found myself sitting at the usual table across from Lissa and Christian. We three just sat there in silence, waiting for someone to say something…Only none of us would. Not until Dimitri set a tray full of eggs, bacon, and toast and a bottle of water in front of me. I expected him to sit next to me, but he didn't.

I looked up at him, frowning. "What, you're not acting as babysitter anymore?"

"Not at the moment," he replied. "I have a meeting with Guardian Petrov in just a few minutes."

I scoffed. He could have mentioned that earlier. "No breakfast?"

He rolled his eyes, and then he raised one hand, waving a donut back and forth a few times. "I think I'll survive."

I'll trade you breakfasts, I added silently in my head. A donut sounded a lot more appetizing than the school's food, but Dimitri probably wouldn't listen to my complaint. So I relied on my irritation for him not telling me about the meeting. "Fine. Have fun," I muttered sarcastically.

He nodded once before turning on his heel and exiting the commons. I didn't know until that moment how much I've come to rely on Dimitri in the last day or so. He and Adrian both had knocked some sense into me. A very small amount of sense but sense nonetheless. I still blamed myself without a doubt, but the others made their decisions too.

Damn, the things I'd do for a time machine.

"Hathaway!"

My head shot up and I looked around to see who had shouted at me, but it didn't really occur to me that it had been Christian. Good ole sardonic, pain in my ass Christian Ozera.

I dropped my fork on my tray—as if I were eating anyway—and glared in his direction. With everything we've been through in the last few days, he certainly didn't deserve to be the target of my mood swings, but recent events were an afterthought. My mind was more set on getting my marks.

Lissa frowned at me. "Rose, are you okay?"

"Never better," I replied, sarcasm dripping off each syllable. I never have been hostile toward Lissa, but it was on autopilot. I had snapped at her before I could control myself. I sighed. "Liss, I—"

"No, it's fine. I know you can't think straight. I understand."

I tried to see what she was thinking about through the bond, but it was like she was blocking me out. I frowned. "Is there something wrong?"

My question brought Christian out of whatever haze he was in and he turned to face her. Concern etched in his face.

Lissa shook her head. "I think the bond is getting stronger."

"What makes you say that?" I asked. "I haven't noticed anything."

"I'm talking about for me!" Shit. "I've been able to feel your emotions since I woke up this morning…" Double shit. "…and I think I tapped into your thoughts…" Shit, shit, shit.

"What'd you hear? Crickets?" Christian asked monotonously.

I sighed in frustration as I flipped him off. It was not the time for his snarky comments. I then turned to Lissa. "Really, what did you find out?"

She averted her eyes to the half-eaten granola bar in front of her. "Your thoughts were pretty explicit," she mumbled. Oh fucking hell. "I cannot believe you."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "What'd I do?"

"Christian, do you think you could get me some water?" she asked him. He nodded and left, muttering something about being 'unwanted.' Lissa waited until he was in the line to finally look at me. "I understand Guardian Belikov is good looking and you two get along really well, but you shouldn't be lusting after him."

I felt my cheeks heat up. I'd forgotten what I was dreaming about after Adrian left, but now that she had mentioned it…I'd been dreaming about the night of the lust charm, minus the issue over Lissa being kidnapped. Dimitri was lucky I didn't jump his bones first thing that morning…

"Rose? Hello?" Lissa hummed. "Could you try not to think about that? I do not want to see that; he's my guardian, not eye candy…" Or so she thinks, I thought. She rolled her eyes but otherwise didn't acknowledge my thoughts. "We really need to talk about this."

"What? The fact that I'm a hormonal-driven teenager?"

"No. I'm talking about the fact that he's your mentor and he's seven years older than you. He couldn't possibly be interested in you in that way. Why don't you stick to dating Mason? Or even Adrian?"

I scoffed. "One, I can only see Mason as a friend. Why bother if I know it's not right? Two, I can't stand Adrian—" which wasn't a total lie "—and he's four or five years older than me. Three, you'd be surprised with what Dimitri thinks and feels. He's not the emotionless, completely-devoted-to-work guardian everyone makes him out to be. I mean, he recently promised he wouldn't—" I cut myself off. It's not that I didn't want to tell Lissa, but we could easily be overheard. I couldn't take the risk.

"What did he promise, Rose?" I shook my head, not willing to tell her for the time being…and that just pissed her off. "Is it really that big of a deal? And don't you think I have a right to know? He's my guardian. You're my best friend and future guardian. Just tell me!"

"It doesn't involve you!" I seethed, clenching my hands into fists. "You don't own us. We can keep things to ourselves if we want. Things you don't always have to know."

"Why start to bring it up and not finish telling me then?"

"I've kind of had a rough few days. Excuse me for not keeping myself in check," I snapped.

Before she could say anything else, I jumped out of my seat and stormed out of the commons. I was trying to avoid anyone overhearing what I would have told Lissa, especially since our small argument had attracted so much attention by other students and even the guardians on duty. But with that little episode, I wasn't sure if I could tell her. At least not for a while…hence why I mentally blocked her out. Or trying to at least.

"Rose?"

Dammit to hell.

I slowly turned on my heel in the direction of the voice. Who else but my mother would be able to find me when I was tempted to rip someone's head off?

My shoulders sagged in defeat as she approached me. If I hadn't dealt with so much in the past few days, I probably would have just ignored her, but…who else would I talk to? Dimitri was in a meeting. Lissa was pissed at me. Christian would side with Lissa. Mason…ugh. And Adrian was probably already drunk. Ironically—maybe even miraculously—enough, my mother happened to me the only available one who I wasn't all too furious with.

In the few times I actually got to see my mother, especially away from a crowd, I'd never really seen much emotion from her. This encounter was completely new to me. She was wearing the same formal guardian attire as Dimitri and other guardians I seen throughout the day, but her facial expression was what shocked me. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she was frowning.

"Mom?"

She came to a halt a few feet before me, indecision now evident in her features. There was a stretch of awkward silence that followed.

See, my mother and I had no idea how to have a mother/daughter heart-to-heart conversation. I'd only seen her a few times before in my life, which clearly limited how often we spoke to one another, and we knew very little about each other. The last time we had a conversation I ended up on the roof of the ski lodge without a coat, had an actual heart-to-heart with Dimitri, and wound up chasing after three classmates with a fire using Moroi as my accomplice. Or was he an accessory? Whatever, that doesn't matter. The time before that I ended up sporting a black eye for Christmas.

Needless to say, our conversations never really end too well…unless you count how close Dimitri and I have become after our most recent spat. I include that little detail—he may too—but no one else would ever consider it. To the uninformed eye—meaning everyone except me, Dimitri, and Adrian (and Victor Dashkov, technically)—he was taking on the role of the protective older brother. The thought made me cringe.

My mother took in my appearance, a new, almost mysterious expression. It left me a little confused as to why she even bothered to talk to me. I was sure she'd be leaving soon after I got my marks. She couldn't stay away from her charge for long.

"Mom?" I repeated. "What are you doing?"

My talking to her must have brought her back to reality, because her stoic mask almost immediately reappeared. "I was just looking for you. Your ceremony is soon."

I slowly nodded. "Oh, right."

She took in my appearance once more. "You look nice. I was worried you would have picked out something inappropriate."

I quickly decided to not mention Dimitri was the one who chose what I'd be wearing, not sure how she'd react to my mentor going through my things and all that. I grimaced. "Do you have any faith in me?"

The slight twitch at the corners of her mouth were the indication that she was allowing this conversation to be light. "Of course I do, but I'm just a little surprised to see—" She shook her head. "We need to get going, Rose."

And so we did. My mother would say words of encouragement every once in a while, but we were silent other than that.

As soon as we entered the guardian building, my mother made her way over to Alberta, leaving me by the door. I almost felt like a lost puppy by that point. Most of the guardians weren't my biggest fans, so I hadn't the slightest idea how to make conversation with them. And I couldn't find Dimitri amongst the other guardians of the academy—and those who had been visiting. He had to be somewhere nearby though. After all, he just had a meeting with Alberta.

"It's not good to be so on edge."

I flinched at the voice that came from behind me. I turned around quickly, coming face to face with Stan Alto, my, more or less, least favorite teacher. Ever.

"I'm fine," I said. Though my bravado was transparent. My voice cracked as I spoke.

Stan raised an eyebrow, not in a mocking manner. For once. But it was obvious he didn't believe me. "Tension will only make getting the marks more painful."

"It's not like I want to be like this." I scowled. "But it's not so easy calming down after the past few days I've had."

Surprisingly, his face softened –but only just a little. "Which is understandable." He briefly paused. "Just try to calm down, even just a little. It will make it a lot easier to sit through the ceremony. Especially for two marks."

To be perfectly honest I was a little freaked out that it had been Stan, of all people, to be the one giving me advice on how to make it through getting my first marks, but I did my best to shake it off. "Thanks, St—Guardian Alto."

He nodded and then walked off.

After that it didn't take long for the ceremony to start, but I honestly didn't even bother listening to what was being said—even though I should have. I was more focused on what happened back in Spokane. Dimitri's pride had been one motivation for me to push through and kill Isaiah and Elena, and that's one thing I wanted to know I had an effect on before I got my marks. It was selfish—incredibly so—but it's all I really had to go on. At least knowing I hadn't let him down was one good thing that came out of the mess made in the last few days.

Just as I was about to sit down in the chair to receive my marks, I scanned over the guardians in the room, and I finally spotted Dimitri. He stood nearby, facial expression anything but stoic. He smiled a small smile of encouragement, and there was a glint in his eyes that I could only assume was pride. The one emotion from him I knew would help me finally get through this ceremony.

Well that and the little trick he told me.

I sat down backwards in the chair and leaned forward, moving my hair out of the way. Almost immediately the tattoo artist protested about working with a blank canvas. It was rare, practically unheard of, for a novice to be receiving molnija marks. There was some muttering after that, but it didn't take long to feel the needle touch the back of my neck. And it wasn't a pleasant feeling. It stung and was exceptionally uncomfortable.

I did my best to think back to the night of the lust charm, but it was a lot more difficult than I thought it'd be. Occasionally I'd be able to successfully remember how Dimitri treated me that night. The feel of his lips on my skin. Him whispering 'Roza' repeatedly. It was nice.

Until the tattoo artist brushed the towel against the back of my neck one last time and began giving me instructions on how to treat the tattoos. I tuned in and out, positive I could just ask Dimitri for help if I forgot what to do.

Then it was time for the guardians to line up and offer any words. Alberta was first, and she hugged me, murmuring she had great expectations for me. Then it was my mother, who also hugged me but said nothing. Third was Dimitri. He simply caressed my cheek, giving me a look that said we'd be talking later. And the guardians continued coming. They'd place a hand on my shoulder or hug me and say something polite, but not once was I congratulated. For which I was thankful, and I was sure they knew congratulations were the last thing I wanted for what I had done.

The ceremony was soon formally dismissed. Guardians left to go to their shifts or their classrooms or just somewhere else. Very few stayed back. I looked around and noticed my mother wasn't around. I frowned at that, hoping I'd see her before she left.

I felt a warm hand on the small of my back. "Let's go rest for a little while," they whispered in my ear.

I smiled at Dimitri's soothing voice and fought the urge to publically display affection. It was a feat, believe me, but I was successful. "Rest sounds nice."

He let out a breathless chuckle as he guided me out the guardian building and across campus. We were in one of those comfortable silences of ours, one where we didn't even have to interact to know what the other was thinking or feeling. We were completely at ease for once. No one was around, thanks to classes resuming, therefore there was no one around to see what we were doing. I was hoping for the day we could act like a couple when others actually were around, but this would have to suffice for a few more months.

We entered the novice dorm building, also finding it empty. Not even a dorm matron was around. I took the chance to grab Dimitri's hand that had ended back at his side sometime during our walk. Joy ran through me when he didn't let go. I guess he saw no risk in holding hands with no one around.

We rounded the corner on the second floor, and I immediately tugged on Dimitri's hand as I stopped in the middle of the hallway. Dimitri did the same, only a few steps ahead, and, confused and concerned, turned to look at me. "Is something wrong?"

"Not at all," I replied. "Just the opposite actually."

"Then wh—" He eyed me skeptically, and his gaze hardened when I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Rose, someone could walk by."

"What are the chances of that during a school day?" I asked, even though I knew novices were notorious for skipping class to hang out in their dorm. "We've got time to do whatever we want."

It was as if he was at war with himself. To fight temptation or to give into temptation?

The latter, finally, won out. He abruptly turned, pushing me against the wall and caging me in with his arms. "The things you do to me, Roza." And with that, his lips ferociously attacked mine. Neither of us held back. We'd wanted this for so long, and we finally had the chance to be alone and not get caught.

I tightly wrapped my legs around Dimitri as he carried me a little further down the hall and fumbled with his keys, all the while keeping his lips attached to mine. He finally unlocked the door to my dorm and stumbled in, kicking it the door with his foot.

I was so, so glad to finally not have to worry about the consequences of having a relationship with Dimitri, even if it was for just a short amount of time. It was more than we'd ever had before.

But at the same time, I had this nagging feeling that someone had seen the beginning of our escapade, and I didn't know who it was—if anyone actually saw us, that is.