Hold Your Breath

Unfortunately, Stephen James Gomez was absolutely right about this. Decklan tried to cover it, sure, but I saw her eyes go wide, and the slight jump back. It was like she’d just gotten a sucker-punch to the gut. She looked pained. “Oh, uh… That’s totally cool, I-“

Fuck. Stephen was right. I couldn’t listen to her try and work her way out of the hole I’d apparently shoved her in. It was starting to hurt me. I put a finger to her lips, trying to stop her. “Don’t, don’t. I… Look, Decklan… I’m really sorry,” I tried to convince her. I was sorry; Sorry I’d made her feel so awkward. Then I noticed her eyes getting redder, and my stomach dropped. She was tearing up. Decklan was going to cry. Shit, shit, shit, shit… I couldn’t handle it. My brain refused to function, and so when I tried to comfort her, all that came out was, “No, no, Decklan…” My hand decided that it would function on its own accord, and slinked its way to her cheek. “Decklan…” I repeated. It was all I could remember how to say.

She hit her breaking point. Sucking her bottom lip, she bit down, closing her eyes as tears started to roll down her cheeks. And I was guilty of causing them. Why can I not get anything right with this girl?!

I couldn’t let the salt water stain her face, so I started to wipe away her tears. “Decklan…” I whispered again. She opened her eyes again, but stared at her feet. I’d catch her eyes drifting up every now and then, but she’d always dart back to her shoes. Like she was avoiding me. God… I did this to her. I made her lips shake from holding back tears, her eyes go bloodshot, and I was the person that made her cry. I was the reason she had tears rolling down her cheeks. It made me feel sick to my stomach. Then, deciding to fuck with me, my brain says that now is the perfect opportunity to smile. So with this small, sad smirk struggling to stay on my face, I said one last time, “Decklan…”

“JF, don’t try and-“ She argued, but she stopped when I let my other hand onto her other cheek. The both of us were surprised at my motions, then, because I sure as hell had no idea what I was doing…

My eyes started to sting. Fuck, now she’s got ME crying… “Please,” I choked out to her, my voice cracking. I stepped closer to her, trying to show her I was on her side. I closed my eyes, trying to hide the fact I was tearing up. “Decklan, please don’t hate me… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to…” I tried to say, but I was unable to form coherent sentences. Everything was a stutter.

She fidgeted, rolling her eyes like I was lying to her and she knew it. “To kiss me, I know,” Decklan grumbled at me.

Well, this was going spectacularly. “No,” I argued, opening my eyes again, “I didn’t mean to… to hurt you.” It sounded over-the-top cheesy, but it was the truth.

I completely forgot I was tearing up, but Decklan noticed. “Oh, oh my God… JF…” she started to say, but I was determined to fix the mess I’d just made.

“Don’t… Decklan, don’t apologize, I…” I started, but nothing else came up. No other words. I choked on the air in the hall for a little bit, before she and I both said simultaneously, “I’m so sorry.”

She and I looked right at each other, fighting laughter. Did we really just say that at the same time? Recovering from the outburst of laughing, Decklan said, “Look, JF, I-“

I was just being awful today. I cut her off again, losing control of my limbs again… This time, one of my hands slid from her cheek, down her neck, and over her shoulder, where it began to stroke her arm like I was her father telling her, “Maybe we’ll get the puppy next year.” The whole time, though, I was repeating, “Decklan, I never meant to hurt you.”

She fought to find her voice, hoarsely announcing, “I know.”

“Decklan, I want to make it up to you,” I said, fighting another surge of laughter. The aftershock. I looked down to her, realizing we’d somehow made our way about four inches closer than we had been. I opened my mouth to say something else, but I was rudely interrupted by the bell ringing. Always with the incessant ringing!

“We don’t have time right now, JF. After class. We can finish this after class,” she argued, trying to pull away from me. But I wasn’t about to let her go just yet. I stopped with the fatherly stroking of her arm and instead took hold of it.

“We don’t have time?” I questioned her. “We don’t have to waste time in classes right now. Like we’ll ever need to know the details about the Civil War to play music? Please, Decklan, let me do something good for you,” I begged her.

She smiled, saying, “You’ve never done anything wrong, JF. Ever since I met you at the beginning of the year, you’ve been a sweetheart to me. Always.”

I knew she meant that in a sweet way, but I took it as an excuse to leave. “Decklan, don’t fight me.”

“Fight? JF, I’m not fighting you! How is me giving you compliments turn into me fighting you?” she argued. Now we were fighting. “I swear, JF, I am not fighting you!”

“Then let me feel like it, Decklan!” I chuckled. I saw her cheeks go red, but the brunette stepped back towards me, and slipped her arms around my neck. It sent shivers down my spine. “Thank you,” I told her.

“You’re welcome.” She was so smug about it, like this was her plan all along, like this had been a game, like I had been her putty. But I didn’t care. I’d been lusting after her since the first day I saw her, and I finally had her here in my arms. I wasn’t letting go.

I moved my hands to her waist and touched my lips to her forehead. She didn’t freak out. She didn’t scream and run away. In fact, she blushed. Decklan’s cheeks went crimson, and it was cute. It made me smile.

“Decklan,” I whispered, “I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah?” she smirked, trying to cover her blush.

I leaned in closer to her, whispering in her ear, “This kiss won’t be an accident.” She couldn’t hide it anymore. Decklan’s cheeks went bright crimson red, and she turned her head away from me, like she was hiding. I smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear, and started in towards her cheek. But this girl just has a habit of moving right before I kiss her, so she turned back towards me and I missed my initial target (her cheek) for a new one (her lips).

Whoa, fuck! What the hell just happened?

I started freaking out until I realized…What was so wrong about this? I’ve liked her for ages. She likes me… I mean, she was the one who made me kiss her lips… So, she liked me. I liked her. I’ve wanted this for ages, right? So I stopped letting my brain be in control and I started to actually kiss her. And yes, I liked it. And when the kiss broke, we just kind of smiled, and laughed, still inches from each other’s face.

“Uh… ha-ha, wow,” I breathed, trying to make sure this wasn’t another mistake. I found my hand running through her hair, a comfort to me and to her.

She chuckled, saying, “I think ‘wow’ is acceptable.”

I took a stab at the dark, asking, “Um… First kiss?” She nodded. “Me too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

She giggled. “That’s cute, JF.”

I felt a smirk sneak onto my face. “Glad you think so.” I was still stroking at her hair. She started to look around, though, and that’s when I noticed the halls were empty. We were all alone in this school, it seemed. We were skipping class. I had gotten her to skip class with me.

“It’s a little weird, huh?” I said. “Being alone in a public place?”

She tensed up almost immediately. “But I’m not alone,” Decklan said. She didn’t sound too convincing. “I’m here with you.”

“Yeah, but that’s pretty close to alone,” I argued.

Decklan closed her eyes, kind of like a little kid does when they think they see the Boogey-Man. What had I said? After a few shaky breaths, she let me in on the secret, “I’m terrified of being alone.”

Oh. That was it. I pecked at her lips once more, trying to show her I was there for her. “That’s okay,” I said, “I’m scared to death of water I can’t see the bottom of. Like lakes or something. Terrified.” I smiled. We all had our fears.

She giggled. “Really?”

There. Everything was okay. “Really.”

Decklan stepped closer to me, pressing her chest against mine, and then she wrapped her arms around me. I slipped my hand to the small of her back, holding her close to me. She laid her head on my shoulder, and I swear to God I started to wonder if this was seriously happening. This couldn’t have happened this fast, could it? “We’re all scared, Decklan,” I whispered into her hair. “But we’ve got each other.”

“Yeah?” she asked, shakily.

“Yeah. And I promise… you don’t have to be alone. I’ll be there for you, Decklan. Promise.”

She seemed to believe me. That made me pretty jealous of her, because I wanted to believe it, too.

Oh, I wanted to.