Childhood's End.

I knew it was a stupid move the moment I gave in to my thirst. Aiden spilled one of his Sunny D’s in the cooler of sodas; I had to go into the house—alone—to get a drink that wouldn’t kill me the moment I touched it. I loved the Ford’s house; it was so homey, so lived in, so familial. I slid open the back patio door, closed it behind me and padded my way into the dimly lit kitchen. I glanced at the artwork on the fridge, finger paintings, crayon drawings, and pictures of all of the kids.

I opened the door and took in my choices, soda, water, tea or non-citrusy juice. I picked up a bottle of water and closed the door. I could feel something off about the air around me—I wasn’t alone anymore.

“I know you’re there.”

He stepped out from around the corner. He lent against the counter and looked at everything but me.

“You can’t run away from me every time something scares you Rodney.”

I squeezed the bottle of water before turning to face him fully. He finally met my gaze and I just glared at him.

“I’m not scared and it wasn’t a stupid decision for me to walk away while I still could. You don’t get it do you John?”

He moved to speak but I didn’t let him. I couldn’t, if he said anything I’d give in.

“I’m sixteen. You’re twenty-one. You’re also in the Air Force; you can get in huge trouble for just being with a male, let alone a minor. I won’t let you chance that kind of trouble, not when it’ll compromise your dreams. Just because your family turns a blind eye doesn’t mean your CO’s will.”

I bit my lip—I had no idea where that came from. He just smiled at me and crossed the kitchen. He stood arms reach away from me and just smiled. I hated that all he had to do was that and I’d feel like an idiot for even saying something—I knew it and he knew it too.

“I’ve spent two months here, two months away from the life I’ve created for myself on the other side of the country, just to be here with you. Two months of getting to know the smartest guy I’ll ever know, two months of falling in love for the first time and all the while you knew the risks we were taking. Two months of dating and now, now you want to tell me we can’t do this anymore?”

He had moved closer with each word; our foreheads were pressed together, his breath fluttered down and across my face. My heart was racing and I just ached for him to hold me and tell me that I was being foolish, that we really could do this. I closed my eyes and pushed him away. His eyes met my own and then I saw it, the recognition, the defiant acceptance of what I was doing. His whole body seemed to slump as he gave a solemn nod.

“You…you would…you’re doing this now so you wouldn’t…wouldn’t have…have to write me a letter.”

I cast my gaze to the floor. Ignoring how our shadows were leaning into each other. I could hear the pain in his voice—I felt it course through my body with every beat of my heart. Adults knew what they were saying when they didn’t want their teenagers to fall in love. When it ended it hurt.

“Godammit! You don’t get to make this choice without me! You can’t, you can’t do this. I’ll wait for you if that’s what you’re worried about, we can, we can put this on hold for the next year and a half…just don’t…don’t do this…we both know you don’t want to…but if you say it, just tell me that you don’t want me anymore and I’ll leave.”

I finally looked up at him once more; I was hurting him, probably more than I was myself. Logic was taking over; I was a minor, granted nothing sexual (well extremely) has occurred between us, he could get in trouble for that alone. I think I love him too. I took a deep breath and whispered, barely audible.

“Go.”

“Alright, I’ll go. I want you to have this though, a gift. Please accept it.”

I felt my eyes water. I slumped to the floor, letting my back slide down the cabinet behind me. He walked away from me without a backwards glance. He didn’t go outside, he went upstairs. I glanced up at the counter, on the corner sat a small box with a bow on it. Blue, always blue—every time I see that color I’ll think of you and your beautiful eyes. I reached up and grabbed the box, taking the bow off and tossing it on the floor.

I was making the right choice, right? I mean, I am only sixteen years old; I’ve just graduated from high school and was the most unpopular kid in existence there. Out of no where comes John Sheppard, beautiful man and apparently attracted to me. Me, who has yet to fill into my body; me, who’s IQ is double the average Joe’s, me, who despite my genius is a complete and utter idiot.

I couldn’t go upstairs—or rather I shouldn’t—but hey, I’m being a moron here. I quietly crept up the stairs, making sure to avoid the creaky spots. Once I got to the top landing, I heard his guitar strumming. Some awful country tune, but I walked slowly to his door and listened. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I slid down the wall and just listened. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end.

The strumming stopped and then it was quiet, like he wasn’t even moving. I heard him sigh, which turned into a growl of frustration. I bit my lip. I shouldn’t be here, I told him to go and yet I can’t leave him alone. I moved to get up but I heard him mumbling, he was talking to himself. I peeked through the crack in the doorway; he was pacing now, flailing his arms as he spoke to himself. I squeezed the small box in my hand, glancing down, I decided to open it. I popped off the top and my breath caught. Lying on top of tissue were his dog tags.

I climbed to my feet and shoved his door open and went straight to his side and put my arms around him. I buried my nose in his chest, inhaling his scent, burning it to memory. His arms wrapped around me, just as fiercely as I was holding on to him. Mentally and emotionally I was at least his age, physically, well I was every bit of awkward.

“You remember that night on the ferris wheel?”

I nodded into his chest as he pulled me closer. His hands clinging to me, one tangled in my hair and the other in my shirt.

“I think I loved you then.”

I choked on my breath and just clung to him tighter. I felt my eyes sting and for once, for once I didn’t care if he saw me cry. As he led me over to his bed and laid me down, I knew I wasn’t the only one shedding tears.

-x-

I turned away from his lips, allowing them to ghost over my cheek.

“I can’t.”

I ache at the pain that flashes through his eyes—it’s the same reflected in my own. I break our gaze to glance over my shoulder at the sleeping bundle in the back seat. He bites his lip—so not helping—and nods. I pat his shoulder awkwardly and climb out of the car. I open the back door, gently pulling the sleeping Jeannie into my arms.

I can feel him watching me as I make my way up the walk to the front door. I glance over my shoulder and he offers a wave. I make-due and open the door. I hear his car pull off and a smile makes its way across my face. I shift Jeannie, and turn around and freeze. My father’s standing on the first landing of the stairs, arms folded and I can tell, even in the moonlight, he’s angry.

“Who was that man Meredith?”

“Can you let me put her down to bed?”

He gave a curt nod and took the rest of the stairs down. He was heading to his study; I was in trouble. It didn’t matter that I just hit a milestone in my youth—he probably saw us in the car. I steeled myself as I carried Jeannie upstairs to her room. I tuck her in, removing her shoes and press a kiss to her forehead. As I move to stand her hand fists my shirt.

“Mer?”

I smile down at her as she cracks one eye open.

“Yeah?”

“You could’ve gave John a goodbye kiss, I wouldn’t have told.”

She closes her eye and smiles at me—that girl is too smart for her own good. I kiss her forehead once again and whisper goodnight and head out of her room. I could easily lock myself in my own room, but that’s the coward’s way out. I straightened my shoulders and made my way down stairs to my father’s study. With each step I tried my damndest to steel my resolve. I stopped just outside of the already open door and let out a breathless sigh.

“Close the door.”

He wasn’t even sitting down—he saw something. He had to have to be acting like this. I took a few steps in, closing the door behind me and moved to the center of the room. His back was to me as he glanced out the window. I was not going to speak first—I never did, not when I had to come in here.

“Who was that?”

If I was even eighty points lower in IQ I’d have blurted out my boyfriend but I’m not that dense.

“John Sheppard, Teyla’s older brother. He offered to give Jeannie and I a ride home to save their grandmother the trouble of driving so late.”

He finally turned to face me, his gaze calculating everything about me. I could see it, he knew I wasn’t telling him everything, but I wasn’t lying so he couldn’t call me on it and that, that made him angrier.

“Why were you out so late, let alone with your sister?”

“I graduated today, she wanted to come.”

I saw something flash through his eyes briefly before they steeled once again. Perhaps it was a fleeting moment of sorrow.

“You’re far from stupid Meredith, but you’re such an idiot sometimes. Do you think that whatever it is between you and that man will last? That someone like him will actually hold on to a summer fling with the likes of someone like you? He’s in college, a junior, and you’re still a minor despite the events of today.”

My eyes widened—how did he know?

“Oh, you thought I never paid you enough attention? I don’t, however, your mother is the one that found you out. She was out with her friends just last week; they chose to see a movie. By chance they happened upon the same one you went to. You will end whatever it is and I will not ruin that man’s life, do you understand me? You’re a child still, despite what that brain of yours thinks. Do it now or I’ll do it for the both of you.”

He walked to his desk and picked up the phone and handed it out to me. With a shaky hand I took it and dialed the number for his cell. I listened to three rings before I heard his voice. My heart was pounding, my chest felt heavy and my hand was still shaking. I steeled my gaze and spoke.

“I’m done. Goodbye.”

I kept my gaze hard, cruel and focused on the man in front of me. I clicked off the phone, ignoring the outburst through the tiny speaker, cutting John off short. I tossed the phone on the floor and spun on my heel and left. I slammed the door behind me as I made my way up to my room.

I think I loved you then.

My eyes watered and tears fell as I crumpled to my floor. I remember that night at the movies. It wasn’t our first date; it was just one of the many we’ve had. The lights were out, the film was playing and I felt lips on my neck. I smiled at the memory and then another statement came back to me—that’s not my son, my son’s not a fag. I was too caught up in John that night to realize I had actually heard a woman say that—a woman that turned out to be my mother.

I heard my door open and close and the sound footsteps come closer. I felt small arms wrap around me and a head of curls land on my face—Jeannie. She clung to me and I moved so I could cling to her too.

“Daddy didn’t mean it, Mer, I promise, he didn’t.”

I let a broken smile surface. If she could believe it, so could I.