Broken Inside

I sat in front of Brooke’s tombstone tracing the epitaph with my fingers. I came here every day. No one knew. Sometimes I’d talk to her, but mostly I’d just sit there. I never let anyone know how often or long I would be with her. I don’t think anyone would think it healthy. People pushed me to date and get remarried, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t think it would fair to any woman. No woman would want their boyfriend or husband sitting at the grave of his dead wife. I couldn’t let go. I was scared of what would happen if I did.

“Brooke…” I whispered. I stared at the angels that were on the bottom corners. She was an angel. I knew it. I knew she was probably watching over me. I heard her voice in the wind some times. There were times when I’d think I’d see her slide behind a tree. I was probably going crazy, but if it meant I’d be closer to her I was okay with it.

“Meeka?” I jumped, startled and turned around. A woman was coming up with some flowers. I didn’t recognize her. I slowly stood up. “Don’t you remember me?” I shook my head.

“Nicole Reeves?” I racked my memory. Brooke’s best friend. She’d been the maid of honor at our wedding. She hated me. Always had.

“Oh, yeah. I remember.” I felt like I’d been caught doing something horrible.

“I haven’t seen you since the funeral and burial.” I nodded.

“Yeah.” I shifted awkwardly.

“It’s been forever.” She hugged me. I was shocked.

“I’ve wondered about you. About the kids. How are they?”

“They’re…great. Mattie’s sixteen now and Lillian’s almost fourteen. They’re so smart and sweet. They look so much like Brooke.”

“Do you have a picture?” I nodded and pulled out my wallet to show them to her. She raised her eyebrow as she looked at Matthew.

“He doesn’t really look like her at all, Meeks,” She said using one of the nicknames Brooke called me, “and Lillian, well she’s just how I expected. I never saw her. Lillian…That’s what you named her?” She smiled. “Huh, I thought you’d name her something French. I know you were pushing Antoinette for a girl back when Brooke was pregnant with Matthew.” I nodded.

“Her name’s Lillian Antoinette. Lily. Brooke left in her note that she wanted her to be named Lillian if…if she survived.” Nicole searched my face.

“I’m surprised you did that actually. Honored what she wanted. I sure as hell wouldn’t have if I’d been in your position. I remember the funeral. Even though everyone was so upset about Brooke, we were all worried about you. You hugged Matthew so tight to you the entire thing, he kept whimpering. And you just were shaking and not looking away from her. It broke my heart. I don’t kno if you noticed but Dylan stayed by you the entire time. And your mother was so upset. She kept saying she was worried about you. And then after Brooke’s mom took Matthew from you and you started flipping out…” Her eyes filled with tears. “I’ll never forget that. I don’t know what you were yelling at her. Nobody did but your mom and I guess Dylan. Your mom got so tense. She told Mrs. Trevors that Matthew didn’t need to be hearing it. That he was too young. To be honest, I thought you were going to jump off a bridge or shoot yourself or something. It’s one of the reasons why Dylan was with you ever second for awhile. Until you got Matthew from Brooke’s mom.” I didn’t want to remember that day. I never wanted to. And she was bringing it up. I was shaking and tears were filling my eyes. “What’d you say? It was in French. I’ve always wanted to know.”

“I don’t want to think about that day. Please…”

“I’m sorry.” She cleared her throat and it was her turn to be uncomfortable.

“It’s okay.”

“No, really sorry. Sorry for everything.” I nodded. “I was horrible to you. I mean…I never…I treated you like crap for no reason. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t think you were best for her. I didn’t like how she could understand you when you said something in French and laugh. I thought you were making fun of me or one of the girls. And I didn’t believe that you loved her. None of us did. We thought you were using her. That day just…it blew me away. All of us. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I forgive you. I haven’t thought about you or any of them since. I didn’t bother me. I didn’t care what you or anyone else thought or said. I knew what was in my heart.”

“But still…”

“Really, it’s okay.” I offered her a smile. Nicole leaned down and put the flowers down.

“I come here once a month. I miss her.” She told me softly. “We were so close. Do you remember? Gosh, you made me so jealous. Even before you two got together, she always wanted to around you. You were her favorite subject, ya know.” I laughed.

“Really?”

“Meeka, I wasted my chance to get to know you, but I’d really like to now. I want to know Matthew and Lillian. I want to be part of their lives. I want to see Dylan again. I want to have part of Brooke back that I can only get from that.”

“Okay.”

“Are you busy? Maybe we can go get coffee?”

“No, today I have nothing planned. Tonight my mother and Brooke’s family are coming over. We’re having a little get together. We do it every now and then. My mom comes over more than Brooke’s parents as expected. But I’m free until six.”

“Do you go now?”

“Sure. You can come by and see everyone if you’d like.” Nicole smiled.

“Thanks. That’d be great. Brooke and I grew up together so I was pretty much their family. I miss them a lot.”

We agreed to meet up at the café in ten minutes. When I showed up she was already there with a cup of coffee. She smiled at me. “Meeka, this is so great!” She hugged me.

“I guess so.”

“So are you still a teacher?”

“Oui. I love my kids. I couldn’t give up my job for the world.”

“I remember how much you loved it. Or really how much Brooke told me you loved it.” She blushed a little and looked down at the table. “I’m so ashamed that I don’t even know you.”

“We can get to know each other now. Brooke always wanted us to be friends. I want to have her wishes granted.” We talked for about two hours, or she talked and I listened. It stung that Brooke would never know that Nicole and I were even talking. She’d always wanted us to be good friends. She wanted us to be a family. Her friends, me and my friends, Dylan and her. I never really happened with her friends.

“Are you dating anyone?” Her question caught me off guard.

“No. No, I haven’t been able to. It’s too soon. No…Brooke has my heart forever.”

“You realize don’t you that it’s been almost fourteen years.”

“Yes.”

“Meeka Leveque, I severely missed judged you.”

“Don’t worry about a thing.”

“I was sure you’d have found someone by now. Heaven knows how American girls love French guys.”

“Well, I didn’t say people haven’t tried. I just don’t see anyone in that light. I can have friends, but a girlfriend…another wife? It’s absurd.”

“I like that.”

“Nicole, what is your life like?”

“I went to law school after Brooke died. I don’t know if you knew that. I graduated top of my class. Now I’ve got my own firm. One of the top in the state.”

“I’m happy to hear that.”

“Yeah, but I missed out on a lot. I never had a boyfriend. Not once in my life. I didn’t want anything to hold me back. I wanted to be on top. Now I have nothing but my job. I missed out on my chance at a family.” She chuckled. “I hated you for getting Brooke knocked up for so long, but now I think it was one of the few things I’d always wished for.” She shook her head. I sipped my latte thinking about what she said.

“You can always adopt.”

“Yeah right. I’m single and work sixty hours a week.”

“Cut back on your hours. Find someone. I wouldn’t be hard. You’re a beautiful girl, Nicole.”

“You think so?”

“Oui.” I smiled at her then checked the time. “We should be going. It’s almost six o’clock.” I gave her the directions and went out to my car. My mind was spinning. This was too weird. How was it that after all of these years, Nicole and I could finally be civil. I always tried to be nice, but she hated me. That’s all there was too it. It was never different. Not until now. I had to say, it was a nice change.