Broken Inside
On Edge
My life had been ruined. I had no credibility anymore. Everyone saw me as a liar. I’d always said that living together unmarried was wrong. That sex before marriage was wrong. That having children before marriage was wrong. It was all out the window with a single act. My parents wouldn’t speak to me. It didn’t matter. My friends thought I was the biggest stud ever, but also the biggest hypocrite. I didn’t know what to say, but suck it up and bear it. I knew that nothing happened between Brooke and I. That’s what mattered to me.
Besides, I had the girl of my dreams and a little boy that I loved with all my being. I never thought I’d love Matthew this much. I thought it’d be hard to love another man’s baby, but I was wrong. At two years old, he was the light of my life. He had sparkling blue eyes that I guess he’d gotten from his sperm donor. Nobody in Brooke’s family had a color other than brown. Matthew ran around like he didn’t know how to walk. He made me laugh.
We were happy. I was a kindergarten teacher and she was a labor and delivery nurse. It seemed like things couldn’t be better. Lately, things weren’t so smooth. Brooke was different. It bothered me that I couldn’t help her. She wouldn’t talk to me. She’d go from attacking me to be very sweet and serene.
“Daddy, what dat?” He pointed to the cup in my hand.
“Juice.” I smiled and picked him up.
“Oh.” He wrapped his little arms around my neck and laid his small head on my shoulder. I carried him to the living room as Brooke came in the door. She walked past me and sat in her chair. It had originally just been this chair that we’d curl up in, but lately it’d become hers. I put Matthew down and told him to go play. He ran off. I shook my head with a small smile and went over to Brooke.
“How was your day, mon amour?” I asked.
“Awful.” She whispered. I hated that she couldn’t stand her job anymore. It used to be her favorite thing to do. Brooke worked as a nurse at a local hospital.
“What was so awful?”
“I hate them. I hate all children. I can’t…I can’t get them out of my head. What if…” She shook her head. “Did you and the baby have fun today?” Brooke never called Matthew by his name anymore. She did until he was about at fifteen months old. Then he became pronouns and nouns.
“Oui.”
“For the love of god, stop it! Just stop!” She burst out of her chair and glared at me.
“What’d I do?” I asked a shocked.
“Speak English! We live in America! Meeky, I love you but it’s driving me crazy!” I blinked a few times before I spoke.
“I’m sorry. You used to love listening to it.”
“Used to. I’m sorry if I’ve changed. You know, you used to be in tune to me.”
“I…I know.”
“Why don’t you go away? I mean all you ever do is ignore me. All you want to do is be around him. You want him to know two languages so badly. Why? Because you want to talk about what a slut I am. You hate me.”
“What? Brooke that’s insane. Just…just…can I get you something?” I had to be patient. I knew that much.
“No. No thank you. You know, if it hadn’t been for you, I’d be free. I wouldn’t have that little brat. I’d have you. The way you used to be. If you’d just let me do what I wanted. If you just let me get rid of it...” Her eyes were dark.
“Brooke…I didn’t make you do anything.” I felt near to tears. I wanted to know what was wrong with her. She’d never been this hurt before. I couldn’t take the sound of her voice breaking in my ears. I kissed her cheek. “I love you. I just want to know what’s going on with you lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been different lately.” She looked down and then back up at me.
“I’m pregnant Meeka. We’re going to have a baby, a little girl. Isn’t it wonderful?” She smiled and hugged me. The way she turned a one-eighty jarred me a little. I put my arms around her.
“Really?” I breathed.
“Really! It’s wonderful.” She kissed me long and deep then giggled. “French people are such fantastic lovers.” I laughed and kissed her again. I’d moved here from France with my family when I was ten.
“How long have you known?” I asked playing with her hair.
“Five months.”
“Babe, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged and hugged herself.
“Well this is the most amazing news.” I couldn’t believe it. I was going to actually have a kid of my own. It was an unexplainable feeling.
Besides, I had the girl of my dreams and a little boy that I loved with all my being. I never thought I’d love Matthew this much. I thought it’d be hard to love another man’s baby, but I was wrong. At two years old, he was the light of my life. He had sparkling blue eyes that I guess he’d gotten from his sperm donor. Nobody in Brooke’s family had a color other than brown. Matthew ran around like he didn’t know how to walk. He made me laugh.
We were happy. I was a kindergarten teacher and she was a labor and delivery nurse. It seemed like things couldn’t be better. Lately, things weren’t so smooth. Brooke was different. It bothered me that I couldn’t help her. She wouldn’t talk to me. She’d go from attacking me to be very sweet and serene.
“Daddy, what dat?” He pointed to the cup in my hand.
“Juice.” I smiled and picked him up.
“Oh.” He wrapped his little arms around my neck and laid his small head on my shoulder. I carried him to the living room as Brooke came in the door. She walked past me and sat in her chair. It had originally just been this chair that we’d curl up in, but lately it’d become hers. I put Matthew down and told him to go play. He ran off. I shook my head with a small smile and went over to Brooke.
“How was your day, mon amour?” I asked.
“Awful.” She whispered. I hated that she couldn’t stand her job anymore. It used to be her favorite thing to do. Brooke worked as a nurse at a local hospital.
“What was so awful?”
“I hate them. I hate all children. I can’t…I can’t get them out of my head. What if…” She shook her head. “Did you and the baby have fun today?” Brooke never called Matthew by his name anymore. She did until he was about at fifteen months old. Then he became pronouns and nouns.
“Oui.”
“For the love of god, stop it! Just stop!” She burst out of her chair and glared at me.
“What’d I do?” I asked a shocked.
“Speak English! We live in America! Meeky, I love you but it’s driving me crazy!” I blinked a few times before I spoke.
“I’m sorry. You used to love listening to it.”
“Used to. I’m sorry if I’ve changed. You know, you used to be in tune to me.”
“I…I know.”
“Why don’t you go away? I mean all you ever do is ignore me. All you want to do is be around him. You want him to know two languages so badly. Why? Because you want to talk about what a slut I am. You hate me.”
“What? Brooke that’s insane. Just…just…can I get you something?” I had to be patient. I knew that much.
“No. No thank you. You know, if it hadn’t been for you, I’d be free. I wouldn’t have that little brat. I’d have you. The way you used to be. If you’d just let me do what I wanted. If you just let me get rid of it...” Her eyes were dark.
“Brooke…I didn’t make you do anything.” I felt near to tears. I wanted to know what was wrong with her. She’d never been this hurt before. I couldn’t take the sound of her voice breaking in my ears. I kissed her cheek. “I love you. I just want to know what’s going on with you lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been different lately.” She looked down and then back up at me.
“I’m pregnant Meeka. We’re going to have a baby, a little girl. Isn’t it wonderful?” She smiled and hugged me. The way she turned a one-eighty jarred me a little. I put my arms around her.
“Really?” I breathed.
“Really! It’s wonderful.” She kissed me long and deep then giggled. “French people are such fantastic lovers.” I laughed and kissed her again. I’d moved here from France with my family when I was ten.
“How long have you known?” I asked playing with her hair.
“Five months.”
“Babe, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged and hugged herself.
“Well this is the most amazing news.” I couldn’t believe it. I was going to actually have a kid of my own. It was an unexplainable feeling.