Broken Inside

Lily came home from the hospital four months later with a few respiratory problems, but otherwise perfectly healthy. Matthew didn’t care for having a little sister much. He’d roll his eyes and tell me that she was smelly and loud. I’d tell him he used to be smelly and loud when he was a baby too. I’d left the house that Brooke and I had share. I’d packed up every memory of her and only had a few pictures of her out of storage. I’d gotten a nice apartment close to the school. I couldn’t forgive her. I couldn’t get rid of the void in my heart. I couldn’t get her out of my head, but I was never going to forgive her. I’d been here. I’d tried and she’d attacked me.

“Daddy, when’s Mommy gonna come back?” Matthew asked me as I fed Lily.

“Matty…she’s not coming back.” I felt a stab of pain in my heart and a lump come into my throat. I wouldn’t cry. No more crying.

“Why?”

“She died. It means that she’s asleep forever, but she’s always with you in your heart.”

“Does she still love me?”

“Of course.” I said closer to tears no than ever. I knew that Matthew would never remember her. He barely remembered what he ate the night before. He was only two. I took a deep breath and laid Lily on a blanket on the floor. “Watch Lily for a minute, okay?” Matthew sighed.

“I guess so.”

“Thank you so much! You’re such a good big brother.” I went to my room and collapsed on the bed. I had to cry. I couldn’t take having to explain this every week to a little boy who felt like his mom abandoned him. She did. I heard a knock at the door and Matthew started calling me. I sighed and checked myself in the mirror. My dark hair was a little messy, but fine. My olive toned skin was a little red. I went out and opened the door. Lisa smiled at me.

“How are you doing, pumpkin?” I laughed at the expression.

“I’m okay. You?”

“Great. Can’t wait for school to start back up. Can you believe there’s only a month?”

“No. Gosh, it’s crazy. Matthew’s been forming huge sentences and forming a little bit of an attitude. It’s crazy. Lily’s doing amazing. She’s getting so big.”

“I remember when my kids were that young.” I smiled and looked down.

“Sweetheart, you need to get out. Look at you, you’re so pale. I’ll watch the babies, you go have some fun. You don’t need to be cooped up crying.”

“I haven’t been crying, Lisa.”

“Boy, I can see right through you. Your eyes are red and puffy. Now don’t give me that allergy crap. You’re no American man. You Europeans actually have emotions. Now go. Get out and have fun.” She all but pushed me out the door. I got in my car and headed over to Dylan’s.

“Hey, Frenchy!” Dylan smiled as he opened the door.

“I got kicked out of my own apartment by Lisa.”

“What?”

“She came over and insisted I go have fun. She doesn’t think I should be cooped up to cry all day.” Dylan studied me.

“You’re still really messed up, huh?” I shrugged and sat on his couch. “What do you want to do? Anything your heart desires.”

“I’d like to go see my family in Paris again. I miss them. I only have my mom here.”

“What’s it like growing up somewhere where nobody speaks your language?” Dylan sat down on his coffee table across from me.

“It was hard at first. Then between getting made fun of for my accent and having people swoon over it, it evens out.”

“Brooke used to say that you were teaching Matthew to speak French too. Is it so you can talk to someone better than us?”

“In a way. She wasn’t happy about it.”

“She thought it was nice. She understood. She learned French for you, ya know. She just could never speak it very fluently. She wanted to be able to listen to you the way you listened to her. I know that English has the same word for different occasions. Hell you French people have like twenty ways to say goodbye.”

“Can we talk about something else, please. I don’t want to think about her. I’m not forgiving her. Never.” Dylan nodded.

“Do you think it’s healthy?”

“Do you think it’s fair that I have to explain to our two year old son that his mommy isn’t coming back? That he’s never going to see her again? He doesn’t understand it. He never will understand it. By the time he’s old enough, he won’t remember her.” I tugged at my hair and looked at him. “Let’s do something.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Really? I want to burn letters and clothes and break things. You aren’t with me on that, so I guess that is up to you.”

“Look, I just think you’d regret it later is all. I’m here for you.” I nodded and looked at him.

“What then? We could decorate my classroom. School starts in less than a month.”

“How are you going to support two kids with a kindergarten teacher’s salary?” Dylan muttered under his breath.

“I don’t know! How am I supposed to know?” I glared at the television. “I swear that guy who hurt her, if I ever see him…I’ll kill him.”

“Come on.” I followed him outside.

“What are we doing?”

“How about a jog?” I rolled my eyes.

“No. I don’t feel like running!”

“You always loved running.”

“Things are different now, Dylan. In case you haven’t noticed.”

“You know what? You are so lucky and you don’t even realize it. I mean yeah, things got really shitty and kind of are still, but you have a little boy and a little girl who love you. You have Brooke in those two. I never see them. You’re around them twenty-four seven. I wish I could get married and have kids, but that’s not going to happen. God, I’d live your life in a heartbeat. It’s better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all. It’s true.” I blinked at him.

“That’s a load of shit and you know it. You think that you’ll never find love? Get out there and find a guy to love. You’re too scared of hitting on a straight guy to even try. Well there are these things called gay clubs. Go to them. Find a nice man and settle down if you want it so badly. And a little piece of truth for you, it’s not better to love and lose.” I stretched out my hamstrings before taking off.

“Meeka, wait for me!” Dylan called. I jogged backwards for a minute before turning around and bolting at full speed. Running made everything seem impossible.