Broken Inside

The boxes were put up in the attic of our new home. Matthew helped me put them up. Lily stood watching us quietly. “Why do you have to put her away? Like she never even existed?” She asked as I jumped off the latter. Matthew cleared his throat and went to the kitchen. He’d asked that question before. He knew the answer.

“Because when you love someone, you don’t do what she did.” I walked past her. It was amazing how much they both looked like Brooke. Matthew had a few features from his donor such as his blue eyes and the lightest blonde hair in the world. Brooke’s blonde hadn’t been real. Lily looked just like Brooke. It was hard to know she’d never know her.

“Aren’t you like dating someone?” Lily asked following me to the kitchen where Matthew was already unpacking boxes.

“No, they’re just talking.” Matthew smirked at me.

“I can talk to people.” I said blandly.

“You can marry someone. It’d be okay. It’d be nice to have a mom.” Lily whispered the last part. I knew she’d want a mother, but I wasn’t ready to date. I couldn’t replace Brooke. I promised her my heart and she’d taken it to her grave. She’d promised me hers, but she’d also taken it to the grave. I hugged Lily tightly.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, tears coming to my eyes.

“Why would you be sorry?” Matthew asked. “You didn’t do anything.” I shrugged and told them I was going to go unpack the boxes upstairs. I couldn’t believe that they were sixteen and thirteen and I wasn’t even forty yet.

I hated how much they reminded me of Brooke. I would drive half way across town still just so I wouldn’t have to see the house that Brooke, Mattie and I once shared. I went to her grave every now and then to talk about things. I still hadn’t forgiven her. I could never do that.

“Matt, what was mom like?” I heard Lily ask.

“I don’t really remember her, Lil. I tell you that every single time. All I know is that she didn’t like me much.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I just…you know how memories before like three are really based off emotions and connections? I only know that she never played with me. She never held me. I remember Daddy and that’s it. I remember crying because she hated me. That’s what I thought anyway.”

“Do you miss her?”

“It’s hard to miss someone you can’t remember.”

“I wonder why Daddy just keeps a wedding picture and a picture of you guys on your first birthday around.”

“Mom hurt him. You know what she did. How she died. Uncle Dylan told you. Daddy’s told you. I’ve told you. Everyone’s told you.”

“Why’d she do it if I wasn’t even born yet?”

“I don’t know. Nobody really knows. I think Daddy and Uncle Dylan know, but I’m not sure.”

“Oh.” Lily was quiet for a minute. I decided this would be a good time to go in. I walked in and Matthew smiled at me. He always had his hood up. It was adorable.

“Are you going to do anything with Keels and Aaron yet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I hope.” Matthew coughed a little. “Well you’re allowed to go.”

“Sweet. Um, I’m gonna go call them.” I nodded as he ran up to his room.

“I think we should order pizza.” Lily said.

“I’m sorry I don’t talk about her to you.”

“You heard us talking?” Lily asked.

“Nettie, I heard everything.” She laughed.

“Suuuure.” I rolled my eyes. Matthew came in and leaned on the counter.

“Can I borrow the car?”

“You just got your license!” Lily freaked.

“Shut up! Please?”

“I guess. Try not to mess it up. We need it.” Matthew nodded. He hugged us both before running out the front door. I stared at my daughter who was mumbling about how he was going to get himself killed.

“I’m never getting in a car with him. Never. Nope. Well maybe after he gets some experience but not now. Not till he’s at least eighteen.”

“I bet you’ll be begging him as soon as you start middle school.”

“Yeah right. I do not want to be wrapped around a tree before I even get a boyfriend.” I laughed. “It’s not funny. I’m being serious.”

“You’re so supportive.” Lily just shrugged.