Insidious.

Harlow and I sit at the playground, her making unsuccessful sandcastles, and me staring off into space wondering why I can't seem to be normal anymore. Whatever that means.

I wrap an arm around Harlow and force a smile figuring that it's all a process and I'll be back to my regular self if I try hard enough. Harlow feels my hand and tenses at first before relaxing and looking up at me with a look I can only describe as hopeful.

Hopeful that maybe I can love her again, or at least be close to loving her.

"Hey there," I say, and she laughs because we've been sitting her for such a long time.

"Hi," she replies and I laugh with her, and she kisses me softly and quickly.

When she moves to pull away, I place my hand at her neck and hold her there for just a bit longer in attempt to forget about Rachel even if it's only for a moment.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asks, when I let her go. "Like... are you feeling better?"

I nod. "I think so."

And I really do, because for the first time in what feels like years I don't feel like I'm about to lose it. I don't feel like I'm trapped in a room with no windows and no doors. I feel like I can walk around, and drink, and kiss my girlfriend even if I don't love her as much as I could. I feel like everything is going to be okay.

And at the same time I don't.

I feel like I'm in limbo and I'm just lying to myself, because that's what I do. I lie, and I cheat, and I leave girls calling out for help at what feels like four in the morning.

"Zack!"

I wince, but I don't think Harlow notices.

She looks at me a few moments later, and sees that I'm sad. I wonder if it bothers her and if it does, how much.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

I stare straight ahead and will myself to say yes. I close my eyes and breathe in deep. When I open them my mouth opens and I tell Harlow that she called me.

"Before it happened, she called me."

Harlow cocks her head to the side. "On the phone?"

I start to nod and then I wonder which time I'm talking about. I look at Harlow and think about how great she really is, and why I'm risking our relationship like this. I really need her right now, and saying all of this could make her want to leave. I think she'd do it too.

"No," I say. "She called my name as I was leaving her apartment. I was there that night."

"You were?" Her voice is quiet, and I can't tell if she is angry, jealous, or none of the above.

"Yeah, and as I was leaving, she called for me to come back and I didn't because... I don't know why. I just didn't want to. I think she needed my help..."

"You couldn't have known, Zachary," Harlow whispers, kissing just beneath my ear.

I close my eyes and sink into the feeling of her mouth and wonder why I never liked her better.

I don't think about the phone call and the noises on the other line. I try to forget.

When my eyes open I see hers and I feel like things really are okay, even if it's just for now. Harlow presses a quick kiss to my lips.

"Let me fix you now," she says, and then again. "Let me fix you."