Skylines & Drivebys

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should have just quit then and there. I should have backed out of the interview when I had the chance. This is so emotionally scarring I can’t even.

These were the thoughts running through my head as I sat in the passenger seat, waiting for Lynne to catch up. I ran out of that room as if a herd of cannibals were chasing me. It wasn’t like I had any dignity to maintain. I had my legs pulled up underneath me and I was curled, leaning onto the window frame, tears coursing down my cheeks. I hadn’t let myself cry this much in a long time. Lynne appeared at the window, and with sympathetic eyes, made her way to the driver’s seat, understanding that I wouldn’t be able to drive in my condition.

I hated myself.

I hated myself more than he hated me.

Wordlessly, my best friend shifted the gear into drive and like a cheesy movie, it started to rain. I bit back another wave of sobs. I didn’t want to let her see me like this. Lynne had already watched months of agonizing torture pass. I couldn’t put her though that again.

I couldn’t put myself through that again.

I just hoped that a chick flick, a box of tissues, a tub of cookie dough and ice cream would do the trick.

I watched the blurred lights of the city through the curtain of raindrops on my window turn into trees marking the small street our apartment was on. We pulled into the parking lot under the building and made our way. I quietly went to my room and shut the door behind me.

...

Sunday was crying again. I knew it was better to let her get it all out than going in there and trying to console her; reassure her. She’d cry into my shoulder for a while, then put on a brave face and bottle it all up inside. That’s what she did last time and it got her nowhere. I sat at the counter listening to her sob with a cup of tea trying to think of something that might make this all better.

“Lynne?” Sunny’s voice croaked as she opened her door just wide enough to pop her head out.

“Yeah?”

She stepped into the open ‘kitchen’ slowly, as it was only a few steps away from her room, barefoot, in some baggy pyjama bottoms, and an old oversize sweatshirt she’d cut up.

“I was just checking if you were in here,” she padded her way to the refrigerator and pulled out her favourite tub of brownie ice cream and a fork. She always ate her ice cream with a fork. Sunny sat across from me at the counter and began scraping away at the frozen delicacy.

“Sunday, do you miss him?” I ventured into the darkness, wondering if I’d made the right choice. I thought twice about it as she contorted her face in pain, “Okay wait, what I mean is: if he was willing to take you back, would you? Not that you don’t like, love him, but what you did... do you believe you deserve him back?” My question came out in a jumbled mess.

“Are you trying to hurt me?” She suddenly stood up and although it was an action that was meant to be forceful, she was just so empty that the movement seemed almost frail. The fork clattered onto the floor but neither of us acknowledged it.

“I’m sorry, I just, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. That wasn’t even supposed to be the question.”

“What were you trying to ask me then?” The pitch of her voice was escalating – a sure sign that she was having trouble reigning in her feelings.

“I don’t even know now,” I answered softly, “What about Jack?” I began again, “You two were so close. I might even go so far so to say best friends were it not for the fact that you already have a pretty amazing one right here,” I playfully nudged her elbow.

She finally cracked a small smile and took another fork from the drawer, ignoring the one on the floor, “He’s Alex’s best friend,” I think we were both surprised when she chose to say his name, “guys’ rules and everything. He probably hates me just as much, or even more because he had to see what I put his best friend through. Like they say: Testosterone is thicker than water.”

“Number one, I’m pretty sure the saying is ‘Blood is thicker than water’, and two, ew!” We chuckled and soon after fell silent again.

“I do miss him, all of them. They were some of the best and truest friends I’ve ever had,” she paused, collecting her thoughts, “I can’t believe that I went and messed up one of the best things that ever happened in my life,” she took another breath, “It’s not even like I didn’t trust him, but I had not reason not to believe Victoria, and let’s face it, being in a band, it’s not like girls don’t want him. I knew I should have stopped with that fifth drink...”

“Fifth?” I was shocked, “Sunny you know you can’t handle your alcohol!”

“This is why I never told you the whole story the first time,” she looked up at me with tired eyes. We had talked enough about this for one night, “I’m sorry, I think I’ll just go to bed now, goodnight.” I watched as she put the ice cream back into the freezer and tossed her fork into the sink, completely forgetting about the one on the ground.

I sighed and picked it up and put it in the sink as well. Then an idea hit me. She missed them, and it not only hurt her to be away from Alex, but the rest of the guys as well. I took my phone out and scrolled through my contacts. Thankful that I didn’t delete them, I just hoped they didn’t change their numbers.

In alphabetical order, Jack came first – well, second really, but Alex really wasn’t being counted this time.

...

Suddenly Papa Roach’s Last Resort was screaming at full volume. It was my ringtone and I had no idea where my phone was.

“Shit!”

I followed the sound into my room and rifled through the piles of yet-to-be-unpacked-bags, “Aha, you motherfucker!” I raised it over my head in victory before checking the Caller ID.

Lynne

I froze for a moment and thought it over. It was Lynne’s number, and not Sunny’s. Of course, Sunny could just be using Lynne’s phone. I took the chance and answered tentatively, “Ello?”

“Jack?” I breathed a small sigh of relief although I was still a bit disappointed to find out that it wasn’t my Sunny on the other end of the line, “Expecting Sunny?” Lynne asked.

“Yes and no. I’m glad it’s just you, but at the same time, how is she?”

“Just me. Thanks, Jack,” she replied grimly, but laughing, “and she’s fine, I guess. Well, actually, she’s not fine at all. She’s in quite a horrible state right now.”

Lynne continued to paraphrase a conversation they had just had and my heart ached for the two of them. For Sunny – having to go through all that, knowing now that it was my hook-up that kind of set this whole thing off, and Lynne – for having to watch her best friend go through it. I knew what it looked like from her point of view; like watching a car wreck but not being able to do shit.

It’s a horrible feeling.

“...She misses you guys.”

“I miss her too. And you too!”

Lynne laughed, “It’s Sunny that needs cheering up, not me, but I appreciate it.”

“I could always come visit for a while,” I offered, “If that’s not too much of a hassle for you guys,”

“That’d be great! And don’t worry – you’re always welcome here, Jack.”

“Sweet! I’ll be there tomorrow or the next day.” I wrote down their address, said goodbye, and bought my plane ticket.

At least now I don’t have to unpack all my bags.