I Just Had to Lick the Cookie, Didn't I?

What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you could have it all;
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt...

I watched helplessly as Milo poured his medication into his open palm. A small pile of the pills was gradually growing as he kept making them fall. The weirdest part was that I hadn't seen him take his medication in quite awhile. Well, I had seen him pop a sleep aid basically every night, but never the anti-depressants. It was sort of like an unspoken agreement. If I didn't take mine, he wouldn't take his. Together we'd pull through, you know?

Milo picked two from the pile after discarding the empty bottle to the floor. He tilted his head back and dropped the two in his open mouth. His body was shaking and his muscles were tense. I watched him hesitate, staring at his other hand with the pile of medication, enough to kill him if he were to take them all.

"Milo," I whispered, practically suffocating from the suspense. He shivered before slowly turning his head to look at me. Tears left streaks on his face, some falling every so often. His body was practically radiating the pain. "What are you doing?"

"It's too much. The pointlessness, the pressure, the fucking shit they put me through over and over again! It's because of them I'm still here, and ironically they're the same reason I'm ready to go. If I mean so little to them, what's the point of being alive? I've never been afraid to do it, I just want them to love me like they love everyone else. But I can see it clearly now that that's impossible," he told me passionately, crying all the while. I knew he'd thought about this before. I knew that somewhere inside of him there was still that yearning to go, to leave behind his suffering, but a part of me couldn't let him do it. Not only because suicide was selfish and cowardly, but because...he was a part of my life now---a huge part in fact. I needed him.

"Milo," I said gently, feeling the tears pool up in my eyes. "Stop."

"Adriaan, I can't."

"Yes you can!" I shouted at him, causing a few tears to spill over. Milo watched me painfully. I could see in his eyes he felt pity for me. He felt pity for himself.

"I can't do this anymore, Adriaan. We weren't meant to be anyway. You shouldn't even be here. You shouldn't know me like you do. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be alive. If I had died the first time, and those...doctors hadn't decided to save me, I'd be dead. I'd be...anywhere but here. No one loves me, and there's nothing left for me. You can only go so far when you already have everything. What else is there for me? Nothing, that's what. At least if I die there will be a few fans to mourn me. Adriaan, you can be free now. You don't have to be with me anymore. You can leave this all behind and live how you want to. See? It will all be okay, as long as I'm gone. Because I'm just a failure, and no one loves a failure. No one misses people that don't mean anything." Milo shuddered from his strenuous crying and looked me straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" he shouted, clenching his right hand closed and hitting himself in the forehead with his newly formed fist.

"Stop it, just stop it," I wailed, gripping my towel around me as tight as I could. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. It was so heavy, making it hard to breathe and think straight.

"No, I can't. I need to do this. I need to. I have to."

"You can't just abandon the people that do care, Milo. What about Gary, and your uncle Whitmore? What about the people who see you as a role model? What about me? I care, Milo. I care. What about us? Think about what you're doing. We---"

"No! I've thought about it a million times before. You'll learn to forget about it. In time you'll forget about everything. You all can live on and not have to see how pathetic I am anymore. Just let me do it. Let me go," he whispered his last three words, taking a deep breath and staring straight at me.

My heart was racing. It felt like I was about to die of a heart attack, it really did. Every inch of me was on overdrive. My mind was racing, my heart was pounding, my eyes were pouring tears out of them as fast as they could make them. And the reality of it all was pounding truths into my skull. Milo was going to kill himself. Right there, right then, and I was basically helpless.

"Don't Milo, please. I--I need you."

"Don't try to talk me out of it. I'm sick of lying and pretending. It's all so fucked up Adriaan. The way I feel. I just wish it didn't have to be this way, but I know I have to do this. I have to. It's the only way. It's the only way..."

It was like slow motion. Had I ever had one of those stupid television moments before? Not like this I hadn't. The accident, with Faith, life felt like it was dragging on a bit, but this was different. This was way too messed up to be real, but it was. Milo inching his hand full of medication toward his mouth was real. He was killing himself for real.

"Milo, no!" I cried, lunging forward and aiming a swinging arm at his palm full of pills. I managed to tap him, causing a few of the pills to go falling toward the floor, but Milo clamped his hand closed before more would drop. He watched me accusingly, and I felt so...distraught. And then I felt my heart breaking in two. His eyes looked straight into mine as he brought nearly a full bottle's worth of anti-depressants to his mouth and dumped them in. It looked like it hurt, taking all of them dry, but he swallowed them anyway. Right then, in that moment, I knew he was going to die. I knew it, but I was hoping with all of my broken soul he would pull through. Maybe somewhere along the road I did something right and I deserved to keep just this one thing; him.

"Hey Adriaan," he said after a moment. I was breathing heavy, feeling weak and about to collapse just to wallow in my tears. Somehow I managed to look up at him and see how hurt he looked. I hiccupped and watched him smile faintly at me, keeping his beautiful green eyes on me the entire time. "I think you should know..."

"Know what?" I asked him fragilely, feeling my insides burn and asking myself 'why?'. He chuckled and took a step toward me. Self-consciously, I pulled my towel tighter and almost blushed.

"I, uh, I think that for awhile... I think that maybe... What I'm trying to say is, I think that I l--love you," he whispered, still crying. "And I'm really sorry for that, because I know you deserve better than me. So now you're free, and I want you to know it's alright. It's okay to forget about me. You're going to live and be so, so happy without me. And I want you just to forget about all of the bad things that happened, because none of them were your fault. None of it was your fault. I'd take care of you, but I can't do that. I'm not good enough for that. I'm not good enough for you. And it was too soon anyway. You don't fall in love that quickly, but I really think that I did. I love you. I love you. I love you. I lo---"

I slapped him. Hard. Tears were pouring from my eyes and I watched him start to lose it as my heart broke in half. Stupid jerk.

"I hate you!" I screamed at him, slapping him again. He looked hurt, but at the moment, I couldn't have cared less. "You stupid jerk. How could you do this? You're not worthless you know! And you didn't help me at all, you just made me feel worse. You don't tell people that you love them after you start to die!"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, grabbing his head and pulling at his hair. "See? I'm a failure. I can never do anything right," he cried. Why was he so stupid?

"What's wrong with you?" I asked him incredulously.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

"Stop it, Milo. Stop," I ordered him angrily, moving closer and ripping his hands from his hair. He watched me intently, his eyes dulling as he started to go. I let go of his wrists and placed my cold hands on his soaked cheeks. He was so beautiful, he really was. And perfect too, honestly. But everyone has a flaw, and this was his. His pain was his burden, and with that burden came insecurities and loathing; for himself. And who was to blame? Everyone, that's who. Everyone that was supposed to care that is. His family failed him. They weren't there, and they didn't care. Those selfish asses.

"I love you, and I'm sorry Adriaan."

"You had better not die, Maelogan Madden Boone, because if you do I'm going to be so pissed. We have a wedding to plan, and a life together. For god's sake I have a dress already! Wh---"

"Can I kiss you? Just real quick, I promise. I just want my last little bit of fucked up living to be nice, 'cause I've wanted to do that for a really long time. You're just so beautiful, and I knew I never deserved you, but I still love you and---"

His lips were soft, just like I'd known they would be. At first he was surprised, but then he realized what I was doing. He backed away for a second and I felt a little hurt.

"I really love you. Just keep that with you forever. Forget everything else but that." And with that he kissed me softly again before starting to loosen up and lose it.

"Milo," I squeaked, and he looked at me, smiling with his beautiful green eyes. "I'll only love you back if you don't die."

"Okay," he croaked before limply leaning against me. He was heavy, but I gripped onto him as tightly as I could. My towel was slipping, but I didn't care.

"Oh my god. Help! Hakim! HAKIM!" I shrieked. There was a loud banging on the door before he managed to open it. My brother looked shocked and scared at the same time. He didn't ask questions, just ran over to me and took Milo.

"Call nine-one-one. And hurry," he commanded, shifting the limp Milo in his arms. And I ran, as fast as I could to that telephone. A woman asked me questions that I answered awkwardly. I was twitchy and scared. I bawled the entire time, but then the next thing I knew big men with machines and gadgets came storming in and everything happened so quickly I couldn't comprehend... I just curled up and rocked back and forth in a ball. Eventually they ran from the room with Milo on a stretcher, and I wanted so bad to run after them, but I was too disoriented. All I kept telling myself was 'he's not dead'. Over and over again, but I knew that wasn't true. It couldn't be. After all of the pills he swallowed, it would take a miracle for him to live.

It had been about two weeks. Hakim brought me to his new apartment to live with him. I didn't want to go back to my parents, not after everything. Turned out that I didn't have to; they got divorced.

Leo whined and nudged me with his cold nose. I looked at him through teary eyes and smiled halfheartedly. We were sitting on Hakim's couch, watching the daily news. I'd been in the same spot for as long as I'd been here, only getting up to use the bathroom or feed Leo. I hadn't eaten, I hadn't slept. I didn't want to. I couldn't, not after what happened.

Milo told me he loved me, but I found it so hard to believe, especially since he was committing suicide as he did so. But the weirdest thing was that I was sure I loved him back. It didn't seem real, but it had to have been. I had to.

After everything I had been through, he was to one good thing. The one thing that made me smile through all of the pain. And being away from him for just two hours made me sink back into depression, but only because I knew I wasn't going to see him ever again.

Once he was in the hospital, I never saw him again. The Boones forbid it, and Hakim didn't back me up. He was half of the reason I was like this. He had been the one to trigger Milo's thoughts and actions. But Hakim knew that. He knew that I hated him now, but he continued to try and help. None of it worked. I hated him, I hated me, I hated everyone again. Except for Leo, I could still love him. Just like in the beginning.

The press was all over me whenever they caught a glimpse. Constantly badgering me, but then again, I'd been shut up in an apartment since the last encounter.

Lately the news had been all over the death of some big celebrity, and I mourned with the rest of the world. He had helped me understand things, and I thanked him for that. Without him I wouldn't have known a lot of important things. Things I needed to understand.

"Today the world mourns one of the most well-known men in the world. A severe accident left him struggling to survive in a hospital bed, surrounded by his loving family. Last night he gave up his painful fight to survive and left his family to live in sadness. Just months ago the Boone family suffered from another death; one of the young Wayland Boone whom died overseas fighting for America. Just when they thought things were getting better, another tragedy struck, taking the life of another. It is with much lamentation we would like to take this moment for one of silence to remember a great, great man. He shall be sorely missed." Everything was quiet for a few seconds before the news caster took a deep breath and looked straight at the camera again.

The television turned off and a soft thud sounded. I looked weakly over to the other sofa cushion. The controller lay motionless and I trailed my eyes up to see Hakim's fierce glare.

"This is ridiculous and disgusting Adriaan. Come on. Face it, he's gone. He isn't coming back. If you don't believe me, you can watch the E! exclusive interview later. It's on at ten, but I'm going out. Do me a favor and do somethingAdriaan. I'd like to bring Jessica over, but I can't do that with you moping about and mentally disturbed. Seriously, pull it together."

Hakim shook his head and walked off. Once he left the room, I burst into tears. It was too hard to believe. Milo couldn't just leave me like that. He wouldn't, not if he loved me like he had said. But there was evidence all over. On the news, in the papers. Everywhere.

Milo was gone, and he wasn't coming back to me. But I still kept to my word.

I loved him back.