I Just Had to Lick the Cookie, Didn't I?

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13 hour drive
I miss the grinded concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights.
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off pretend its all okay?
That there someone out there
who feels just like me?
There is
Those notes you wrote me,
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there
Who feels just like me?
There is

---------

"And tonight on Entertainment Tonight, an all-exclusive interview with the Boone family." Cue ridiculous music.

I groaned and shifted on the sofa. It wasn't exactly like floating on air, but it would do. For now. I'd have given anything to sleep comfortably in a bed again, with Milo by my side and our dogs at our feet, but I knew that wouldn't happen any time soon. Everything was over.

"It was only mere days ago that the world lost a great man, Senator Whitmore Boone. He had been speeding down the highway, but no one is sure why. His car was hit by a large Wal-Mart delivery vehicle as it merged onto the road. The senator was immediately taken to the closest hospital. Coincidentally his nephew, Maelogan Boone, was also at the hospital suffering from a severe case of food-poisoning. However, after three days in intensive care, the senator could no longer fight. He's left behind a great legacy, two children and a loving wife. Tonight we have the privilege of speaking with the whole of the Boone family."

Tears started to drip from my eyes. Not only was it hard to come to terms with Whitmore's death, but it was also hard to think about all of the lies. Milo had NOT been suffering from food poisoning. He also was NOT being taken care of by his ever-so 'loving' family. Nope. And you know what hurt even more? The fact that Milo had lost someone important to him. Whitmore was a better father to Milo than William could have ever been, and he was lost forever. And furthermore, I was watching this damn show. It was inevitable that Milo would be on the screen and I'd want to shoot myself because it hurt so much to see his face.

"'This is...especially hard for us. Caroline and I lost a son a few months back, and losing my brother just adds to my pain,' said William Boone. He seemed rather distraught in our last encounter. 'It's just really hard, knowing that we'll never be sure why Whitmore was speeding in the first place. We'll all miss him more than we can cope with,' commented Whitmore's wife, Barb. Barb appeared to be holding back on her emotions. In the next hour we'll explore the thoughts and feelings of nearly all of Whitmore's relatives and close family friends. Unfortunately the only member we were unable to contact was Maelogan Boone, whom is apparently visiting his chateau in the French countryside..."

Right then, I remembered that we were supposed to go to France together, Milo and me. Tears started to pour out of my eyes again. I missed him. I lovedhim damn it. Living---if you could call it that---without him was like trying to live with half of a heart; painful and depressing. The worst part was that Hakim was no help whatsoever. He couldn't have cared less. Even though I was probably agonizing to watch just mope and do nothing, Hakim didn't do anything for me. Oh, and all of the media coverage of every aspect of Boone life. Yea, have I mentioned the 'best' part yet? Well, I guess I was saving it for last.

Apparently Milo's dating Allison Richards, the evil skank-hoe-bitch herself. There are pictures of them together and everything. That's what Hakim continuously tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. Milo wouldn't do that. He hated her. Who didn't hate her? But there was evidence and everything. Very depressing.

The story was that we had some serious break-up because I was quote, unquote: jealous of Allison's relationship with Milo. As if I would ever be jealous of her.

"...Word is that Maelogan will be in New York soon for his upcoming Teen Touch photoshoot. And that ends tonight's special. We here at Entertainment Tonight offer our condolences once again to the Boone family. Good evening and good night."

I needed to get out of there. I needed air. Milo would be coming here, to New York, but I wouldn't see him. And that's when I decided I'd probably never be closer to him than that again.

MILO'S POV

"So if it's all a lie, Milo, what's the real story?" Eileen asked. I was in France; I needed to be away from them, to wallow alone. While I was there I decided I might as well visit my therapist. It had been awhile since we talked. She's actually a French woman, so everything we talked about was spoken in French.

"The real story," I laughed. "The real story is that once again, I've managed to survive. Two failed suicide attempts and I'm pissed about it."

"What are you telling me?" she inquired gently.

"Basically, I'm telling you that I think about killing myself every second of every day, hoping that if I do it this way or that I won't survive."

"Remember what happened after the first failed attempt Milo? We got through it, and we can do it again."

"No, we can't. You don't understand. I may live with my reminders, but this time it was different. This time, I feel stupid and foolish. If I hadn't been so...selfish. Now not only did I lose something, she lost something too. We lost each other, and at this rate I'll never see her again."

"Why is that?" she questioned curiously. I sighed and shook my head.

"I'm not an idiot. In fact, my IQ is so high I'm considered a genius. So I don't exactly understand how they thought I wouldn't figure it out. They planned this all. They were waiting for this to happen and I know it. I was never meant to marry Adriaan, it was a ploy, a scheme. Now that I have accepted that they don't love me, I can come to terms with the fact that they planned this all out with the Richards' so that Allison could claw her way into my life. I hate them all, I really do. The only good thing that miraculously made its way into this situation is that I love Adriaan. I think about her every night, Eileen. When I'm falling asleep, I think of how empty the bed is without her, and how cold. All the time she's crossing my mind. Once in a while I'll pass through someone's perfume and it smells just like she did. I would give anything to be with her again, but it will never happen. Besides, she told me she hated me, and it's all because I was being selfish."

"Oh come on. This is turning into one of those pain-in-the-ass movie plots. All I can think of is you passing her on the street and not even realizing it because you're both so damn stubborn. As your therapist, I'm advising you to screw your family and that snob and go track that girl down. She's the key to your recovery and she can help you through this. If you want to feel better, to feel whole again, you need to find her. It shouldn't be hard."

"I can't do that."

"Oh yes you can! You have to! Besides, you and her could have kids that beat all of the Hollywood kids combined. People would forget all about Tom Cruise's fatherhood and swoon over your picture-perfect family. You could literally have it all with no strings attached Milo. You could be happy."

"Adriaan hates happy. She also hates perfect and the color yellow. Did you know that I bought her a horse? I never gave it to her. It was supposed to be for Christmas, but that obviously didn't work out too well."

"If you don't track her down, I'll do it for you. That's a threat Milo. Now get the hell out of here and go win your girl back."

I stood up dejectedly and left. She made it sound easy, but it was way too complicated.

Earlier I had woken up and thrown on some clothes. Gary and I had dinner the night before and he hadn't really said much. I assumed he was furious that I had attempted to kill myself for a second time. No one really knew about the first time. It was a confidential secret that only ten people knew about: Dean Michaels, Gary, Whitmore, myself, the school nurse, the three volunteer ambulance men, and the two doctors in the hospital.

The chilly winter air smacked me in the face as I trudged out the front door of the hotel. My ancient beat-up vans made the snow crunch on the sidewalk. I watched them as I walked with my hands in my blazer pockets. The wind flicked my hair across my face, neck and ears; it had grown longer and stuck out from under my beanie.

I played with a cigarette in my pocket, twiddling it in my fingers. The urge was getting to me. With a sigh, I looked up from my shoes and pulled out the cigarette, taking my other hand and reaching for my lighter.

That's all it took before I realized what was happening while I lit it up: I was slipping back into my old self. Before I became extremely obsessed with pleasing my parents, I was one of those skater kids. Complete with skate shoes, the longer hair, and crazy style. I liked it, the way I was. I was happy. The smoking didn't come with it though. Unfortunately, that habit came about after I hit rock bottom. The first time; now it was back. I had only smoked a total of half a pack, but this time I was worried I wouldn't be able to quit.

"Milo, are you alright?" Nancy Newman asked me. We had just finished with my whole photoshoot thing and we were preparing for the interview.

"What? Oh, oh yea. Yea, I'm fine."

"You don't sound or look fine," she stated worriedly. I shrugged and slid into a comfortable suede chair. Nancy sighed in defeat and set her things on a small coffee table between us before seating herself in a seat across from me.

"I want this to be one-hundred percent real. Real facts, real words. Don't even let those people mess with my photos. Everything has to be real," I told her fervently. This was important to me. Even if I never saw Adriaan again, I could rest a little more comfortably knowing that maybe she would read this interview and I could know in my mind that she got all of the real facts. No one would be lying to her.

"Sounds good. Where would you like to start?" she prompted, flicking on her recorder and situating herself with a pen and paper.

"How long is the interview?" I probed.

"This is your issue, it can be as long as you like."

"Wonderful. I'd like to start with what's going on in the media."

"Sure," she said hesitantly. "How are you being affected? After the death of Whitmore."

"I miss him. He was basically my father and for that I owe him my life. My uncle was speeding to come and see me in the hospital, I haven't told anyone that yet. He was a wonderful man and I'll keep him in my heart forever," I said, feeling myself tear up. This was going to be a difficult interview.

"Oh, wow. What exactly did you eat that poisoned you so badly?" Nancy questioned. I chuckled and shook my head. That rumor was great. Obviously my parents told a lie so that people wouldn't know all about their dysfunctional family and failure of a son. "What's funny?"

"I was never in the hospital for food poisoning, that's a lie. Whoever started it only did so to protect themselves. To tell you the truth, they started the lie for the same reason I have these tattoos: to cover up the truth. I was in the hospital because I took too many of my anti-depressants. Yes, I'm depressed, I'll admit it. It's my parents that don't like people to know, and you know what else? They didn't want the world to know that I tried to kill myself. Again. That's right dad, that's right mom, that's damn right Cadan! You didn't know before because I was afraid to tell you, but now I can see that none of that matters anymore. Right here, right now, I'm admitting that I have problems to the world, they deserve to know. How can you idolize someone that can't find peace within their own heart?"

Nancy stared wide-eyed at me. She looked confused and upset.

"Is there anything else you'd like to...clarify?" she squeaked.

"Definitely. For one, Adriaan and I never officially broke up. We wouldn't even be apart right now if it weren't for my conniving family and Allison Richards. Just to let everyone know how I honestly feel, I hate Allison Richards. Belittle me for thinking so all you want, but I do. She's a manipulative psychopath. So Allison, you can leave me alone now."

"Wow. You seem to care less about what other people think of you. Are you worried this could ruin your reputation?"

"What does it matter? I'm a human being. I have feelings and I'm not perfect. My whole life I've been trying to impress all of the wrong people. Now I realize that all I need is to find happiness and love. I've already found one, but in order to find the other I need to make the one I have mine. It has to be mine in order for me to have what I need to survive."

I ranted and answered questions for another hour before Nancy asked me one final question.

"How do you feel? Mentally and emotionally anyway."

"I feel like someone ripped my heart from my chest and tortured it. I feel like I'll never get back the one thing I need more than anything. I feel like I need to fight, but I can't because I'm afraid. And I feel like everything is always my fault."