I Just Had to Lick the Cookie, Didn't I?

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
---------

My mind was racing, trying to comprehend every word. It was hard, considering half of what I was reading made me want to reduce myself to tears. The issue had been released that very day and I knew that he was going to go through a lot because of it. From his family, his fans, and the media.

When I read what Milo had said about needing to find happiness and love, the urge to cry was even more difficult to ignore. For some reason I knew he was trying to say something, but another part of me denied that I had anything to do with it.

The odd thing was that I couldn't understand why he hadn't tried to find me. If he loved me like he said he did, why wouldn't he come save me? Why wouldn't he come and make it all better? I didn't understand, but I didn't want to for fear I wouldn't like what it meant.

Even so, even if Milo would rather never see me again, it didn't change the fact that I loved him. I loved him with all of my heart. At first admitting that was hard, considering I hadn't known him all that long, but we spent so much time together, we had so much in common with one another... Milo would always remain in my heart, even if it meant I had to suffer.

MILO'S POV

I was continuously hounded. Ever since my issue of Teen Touch was released on the first day of February. It was aggravating. Constantly people were asking me questions, invading my privacy for a good story. Every detail anyone found was announced to the world. By the time I had to go to Gary's Annual Valentine Party, every person in the world knew about every aspect of my life.

"I arranged for you to perform like you asked," Gary told me in a hushed tone. We were huddled behind one of the doors in the kitchen. Workers were everywhere, setting up for Gary's party. I asked him to put together some sort of show for everyone so that I could perform. It was a plan I had, but in order for it to work Adriaan had to hear.

"Great," I smiled at him. Gary continued to stare at me, confused and concerned.

"Milo, how much sleep have you been getting?" he asked. I glanced away, trying to avoid the answer. "Milo," Gary repeated forcefully.

"None," I snapped, sending a harsh glare Gary's way. He jerked his head back in surprise. "Sorry," I apologized. I'd been extremely irritable.

"I'm going to tell you something right now, you had better start taking your sleeping medication again. You haven't slept in over a month Milo. It's bad enough you skip taking your other pills too. It's not good for you Milo, and I can't handle almost losing you again."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to do it, but I can't. She's all I think about, all I dream about. It's killing me, Gary, like a poison. Slow and painful. I need her to know how I feel, how I've always felt."

"Sweet Jesus. Maelogan Madden Boone, you're literally the smartest man on Earth and here you are moping about. You could get her back if you wanted, but you're being stupid. She loves you, I know she does, and if she reacted like I did to that damn interview of yours, she's probably ready to bash your skull in for not coming and finding her. It's like one of those annoying movies. Those frustrate me, and you know it. You're both being stubborn, but it's up to you. You need to go after her. Do it or I'll do it for you. That's a threat," Gary told me hostilely.

I almost laughed because that's what Eileen said too.

Twenty minutes later the media coverage crews arrived. Gary made sure to head over to one of the more well-known ones and demand they filmed my performance and aired it on television ASAP. It was all part of my plan.

Four hours later the Valentine's Day Party was well underway. Everyone had eaten---other than me---and now they were dancing. Gary hadn't hired a band. Whoever was there was welcome to entertain everyone. So far only popular bands had played, singing their well-known songs louder than ever. I'd really only been sitting in a back corner, watching everyone have fun.

A few people had seen me and tried talking to me. I made sure to be as uninteresting as I could. It worked rather well, they all left. Other than that, I just played with a cigarette in my pocket. For over three hours I'd debated on whether or not to go outside and smoke, but I knew I shouldn't. It was unnecessary...

"Hey, what are you doing?" a voice demanded. I sighed and looked up. An enraged Allison Richards was glaring at me, one hand on her hip. Right then is when I realized I finally had to confront her full-on. So I did.

"Fuck off." Allison gasped at my reply to her.

"Are you kidding me? Honestly, what is wrong with you? Your little publicity stunt was cute, real cute. I'm sure your parents are thrilled, right? Seriously, come on. You're too much of a goody-two-shoes to kill yourself. What was the point of lying to the world? Besides who would believe that crap? Anyway, I just want to know why you're still obsessing over that heinous girl. You didn't actually have to care for her you know. It was all planned out. It's safe to tell you now because it's all over. You're never going to see her again..."

"Listen, I don't know why you're so fucking stupid, but it's about time you realized that I hate you with all of my heart. You're selfish and ridiculous and I fail to see how anyone could love something so ugly," I spat at her, rising from my seat and pushing my way out of the corner. It was my time to go on stage.

"Attention everyone," Gary announced into the microphone on stage. The room went silent. "First off I'd like to thank everyone so much for attending my Valentine's party. I'd also like to send my best wishes out to all of the couples that are here tonight. And now I'd like to ask everyone to listen ever-so-carefully to the next performance. Everyone, I introduce my best friend, Maelogan Madden Boone."

Gary motioned towards me as I walked on stage. He sent me a smile before walking off and joining the crowd. Over a thousand faces watched me. All of their gazes were different. Some were in awe, others confused. I embraced the moment and took a deep breath. I was more nervous than I had ever been for anything. For the first time my performance had some sort of value. This was all or nothing and it meant everything.

I sat at the grand piano and cleared my throat. While I played a few notes to get myself prepared, I checked the microphone and introduced myself.

"As most of you know, I've been through a tragic experience lately. I'm still a little messed up, and it hurts to think about it all. Before I get started, I'd like for everyone to know that every word of my latest interview is the truth. And now I'm going to dedicate this performance to the one person in my life that means more to me than anything ever will." I took a deep breath and looked straight at the cameras in the front row, filming me like they were meant to. "I love you, and I always will."

With my last word I took a breath and started to play the opening chords. For an entire two weeks I looked for the perfect song to sing, but I found three. They were perfect, and that was all that mattered.

"Remembering, everything about my world and when you came. Wondering if the change you'd bring means nothing else would be the same." The tears were already coming and I sucked them back. My eyes were closed and I decided that then was the time to let my heart start to pour out. "Did you know what you were doing? Did you know? Did you know how you would move me? Well, I don't really think so. But the night came down and swept us away. And the stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today."

The crowd seemed in awe, but I kept my eyes closed and let myself be carried away. "How could we know? That song, this show. We'd learn so much about ourselves;
From Toledo to Tokyo, the words were scribed on every page, and now there's books up on our shelves. Did you know how you would move us? Did you know? When the lights first came upon us and we saw the Everglow. And the moment's magic swept us away. And a young man's dream was almost seen so plain." I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. "When was the night that showed us the sign? Revealed in the sky to leave all behind. But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind. We reached for the stars, everything was now ours. Did you know how you would move me? Did you know? Did you know how you would move me? Well, I don't even think so. But the moment's magic swept us away. And it's so close but we're so far away."

With one more deep breath, I finished and stared at the cameras. "It's so close but we're so far away."

The room erupted in applause. I was crying, my face was soaked. I smiled slightly before speaking once again.

"I, uh, still have more to say. This is difficult for me, and it's painful because I can relate to these lyrics more than any others. So I'd like to thank the band Mae so very much for being who they are and creating the music they have."

Once again the room was silent. I wasn't sure if they thought I was done or not, but I didn't care because I started to play my second song.

"By the way you brought me here, it makes me believe the best is still yet to come
and I don't want to leave. Forgive my hesitation---oh, but I'm learning to trust in you. Help me to dream these dreams 'cause I don't have a clue." I took a breath and looked down at my hands as I played. "If you'd be honest and say what you mean, you know I would promise I'd do anything; 'cause I know that without you I'm giving it away." Some girl in the back of the room shouted something, but I didn't quite catch what it was.

More tears started falling from my eyes and I started to feel like a giant baby, but I let it slide and kept going. "Is this what you wanted? 'Cause I'm willing to change. Now that I am certain, that there's much more to gain. You've introduced me to the moment, oh, but I'm looking to stay for good. Yeah. You've asked me to stay forever. Well, you know that I would, I would do anything. If you'd be honest and say what you mean, you know I would promise I'd do anything; 'cause I know that without you I'm giving it away. The nights are forever and maybe I'm wrong, but it feels like I'm so lost without you. So I step towards the heat, it's the way I can see, and it makes me believe that it's you."

I see Gary wipe his eyes as John comes up and wraps his arms around him. Even though they were gay, I still wished that I could have that feeling back again. Not only feeling safe and loved, but feeling like I meant something. "And by the way you brought me here it makes me believe the best is still yet to come, and I don't want to leave, I won't, but anyway... If you'd be honest and say what you mean, you know I would promise I'd do anything, and the nights are forever, I can't get to sleep cause I know there's a reason.
I'm in this too deep and I'm sure that without you, I'm giving it away. Yeah. Giving it away..."

By that time half of the people in the room were in tears. I sniffed back everything and went right into my last song, never stopping. "When I close my eyes to this paradox place, I'll fly away, far away from here. I get away and dream, dream of you. When it's all said and done, and the night has come, I'll disappear: take flight on the wind of wishing you were here. Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years. And I'll fly, fly across the sky. And I'll leave, leave it all behind if you'll be here, here with me tonight. I'll be fine. I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here. Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years. And I'll fly, fly across the sky. And I'll leave, leave it all behind if you'll be here, here with me tonight. I'll be fine."

And I was done. I stood up, stared hopelessly into the cameras, and left. I left the stage, I left the room, I left the building. I left and went home. Home to my hotel room. A dark hotel room with no light and no hope.

I stripped down to my boxers and crawled underneath the covers into my cold bed. A cold bed where I wouldn't sleep, I couldn't. I'd lay there awake, unable to sleep or think of anything positive. I was all alone in the darkness, there was no hope.

Even Fox was gone. Gary had taken him. He hadn't wanted to force the poor guy to watch his master wither away. It was true though. I did nothing. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I was secluded. With no human contact and nothing to do, I was left to be depressed. Depressed and angry, anxious even. All of the anxiety and emotional stress was difficult. For just about a month I'd been locked up in the same room, showering when I needed and pushing myself to tone up more. I'd lost weight faster than ever.

My body was sore and my mind was foggy. I refused to take the medication. It made things worse. So, there I sat, alone and in pain. Everything about me was changing. Gary noticed that I looked different, unhealthy. My hair was longer than it had ever been. My life was fading, my hope wilting. It was torture, and I couldn't understand how it had all happened.

We all go through our highs and lows, but my life was low to begin with and just got lower. How much harder does it get than that?

I just wanted her back, and I was willing to suffer for it.