I Just Had to Lick the Cookie, Didn't I?

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down

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I remember that day like it was yesterday. It haunts my sleep, drives me mad, forces me to die inside. That day causes me to destroy myself with each breath. My worst memory and deadliest mistake.

October Thirteenth - One Year Ago

The wind rustled the leaves on the trees as it swept through the empty playground. Faith was swinging next to me. I was just rocking back and forth, moving the mulch under my feet. She started to hum the song I was to sing next Friday. We both jumped when my phone started to ring. Faith dragged her feet to stop swinging as I answered.

"Hello?"

"Adriaan," my mother said too calmly. "You need to come home."

"Why?" I asked sadly. Faith and I were having fun. We didn't want to leave.

"That isn't important right now honey, you need to get home as soon as possible." I wondered why. My mother never acted this way.

"Mom, tell me." Her voice alarmed me, caused me to realize something was terribly wrong. She sniffed.

"Adriaan, it would just be easier if-"

"No! Tell me, I need to know." I've always had a temper; that much is obvious.

"Adriaan, just bring Faith home. We all need to talk about this," she sobbed. I knew then that something was terribly wrong. Taking a deep breath, I attempted to calm my self. Faith was staring at me.

"Mom, tell me." She sighed.

"Sweetheart, it's Morphic." Then was when I leapt off the swing.

"What is it?" I asked hurriedly.

"Annie, sweetie, just come home." Oh my gosh. Something was wrong. She never acted like this. "Just come home," she pleaded. I gulped and hung up the phone, wiping my eyes.

"What is it?" Faith asked. I turned to her and smiled. I've always known that it was then everything went wrong. That moment. That smile. Faith knew something was going to happen. She knew. Somehow, someway, she knew.

It had started to rain as we made our way to the car. The grey clouds finally released their tears. Those tears lead to our tragedy.

I had taken the turn too quickly, and the slick streets just delayed the brakes even longer. My stupidity and disorientation caused the red light to register in my head too slowly. I jerked the wheel to avoid the on coming truck, which caused us to slam into the guard rail. Faith's side slammed into it and we both got knocked about. I didn't pay attention to any injuries and just got the car back on track. Little did I know how precious that time was.

When we got home I threw my door open and ran to the barn. Inside dad had his arms around mom. She was sobbing into his chest and he was the one to give me a sympathetic look. I looked around and saw the vet. He smiled weakly at me and I pushed past him. My best friend, my one true love, lie dead in his stall. I fell to the ground and crawled to his side.

After a few minutes I couldn't move. It was hard to think, to breathe. I hated life in those moments. I cursed God for taking something so precious to me. My only passion.

"Where's your sister, Annie?" someone asked.

"Car," I whispered without thought, staring into oblivion. They left and not long after there was a scream. I didn't move. Over the time that's past I have come to the conclusion that I was dragged to the car and Faith was in back with our mother. I was out of it as my dad drove to the hospital. Too out of it to realize that I could have killed my sister. She could have been dead while I mourned my horse, my own sister, and all that mattered was a horse.

At the hospital we were told she was in a coma. They said some other mumbo jumbo, but I was disoriented and hardly heard a word. The doctors had said it wasn't too serious and she should wake up sooner than later. They said something about how they knew and all that, but I didn't understand. My parents couldn't believe what was happening. I couldn't believe Morphic had died. It was traumatic.

After that my parents spent their days in the hospital. Dad drank quite often, mom talked to Faith, and herself. I was left alone. All by myself in our house. All by myself to tend to Faith's horse, Demeanor. I lasted about a week before the pain settled in completely and reality hit me harder than you could imagine. School didn't matter and I haven't gone since. Life didn't matter and I stopped caring. I withered away and became almost nothing, mentally as well as physically.
"We were at the park when my mom told me to come home..." I told Milo what had happened as quietly as possible. He listened silently and lay beside me, staring at the same tree tops above. "About a month ago they decided to move. They said that we could attempt to become a family again. Try to live as normally as possible. It wouldn't have worked out even if Faith hadn't woken up. Frankly I'm shocked they came home at all. Since the accident I've been a failure to them. It hurts to know that one day they loved me and the next we were torn apart." My whispers were thick with meaning. I missed the way we used to be more than words could explain. I hate myself for tearing us apart.

"I think you should go visit her," he whispered back. It's gotten darker, clouds are forming above. The words clicked and I turned to him.

"I could never," I barely sighed tragically. There was a long pause before his phone rang. He answered it, and I continued to stare at the blurred leaves above.

"Alright, yea. Right here. No I'll be fine. Just go, it sounds...exciting. I can call you in the morning, or you can call me. Which ever is more convenient. Oh, okay. Talk to you then." He hung up and turned to me. "They're all going to the hospital." I nodded unconsciously. "My mom said that she's going to take care of your parents for the day, comfort and support them with your sister. She wants me to stay with you, if you don't mind." I shook my head, unconsciously yet again. "Maybe we should go eat. I can take you to lunch." I nodded unconsciously once more. He stood up, but I didn't move. The world was so blurry and dead. How could this be happening to me? And why am I so tired? "How about I cook instead, that way you can just relax." I still just lie there, at a loss for clear thoughts. Milo grabbed my hand and pulled it to get me up, but I jerked away from the pain. He seemed confused and I saw his blur look at its hand. "Adriaan," he scolded and pulled me up by my armpits. I groaned, I'm too weak for this. Before I knew it the world went black.