I Just Had to Lick the Cookie, Didn't I?

Again the sun was never called and darkness spreads over the snow,
Like ancient bruises, I'm awake to feel the ache

My stomach hurt like hell. I opened my eyes to see my ceiling. Lovely. Leo was next to me and realized I was awake. He immediately licked my cheek and barked happily. Not too long after, the door opened and Milo came in.

"Hey, need anything?" he asked kindly. I shook my head, even though I knew my stomach wanted food. "My mom called about an hour ago. She said that they were hanging out at the hospital until visiting hours ended and then my parents were taking yours out to dinner. Your parents are going to spend the night at my house. I thought that you needed a little time to yourself, she said it would be fine." He had gotten closer as he spoke and was now at my bedside. I sat up and stared at the wall in front of me. Leo jumped off the bed and scampered around until I heard the sound of something scraping the floor. Then, Milo looked around and moved to the wall. He bent down and came back up looking away from me. "Is this her?" he asked solemnly.

Now at my side, he bashfully placed the picture down on my lap. I couldn't look at it. The thought of it there practically killed me.

"Make it go away," I whimpered. Milo took the picture, but that isn't what I wanted. I mean the pain. Take the pain away. Make it all just go away... The tears came easily, the only thing that ever could. Reluctantly, Milo hugged me. He was unsure if it was the right thing to do, but I honestly could care less. When he let me go I curled up and pulled my duvet up to my chin. My tears soaked the pillow and I closed my eyes briefly before images flooded through my mind. Falling asleep would be hard.

"I'm taking you to see her tomorrow," Milo whispered. My inability to respond gave him the wrong impression. I wasn't ready to face her. I could never be ready, the pain is already unbearable. Not knowing what she knows, what she remembers. How she looks, sounds, feels. The thoughts, the memories, the pain; it's all ten times worse than it's been for the last year. The days when I believed that her waking up was the only solution to our problems seem so long ago. Faith waking up has only made life worse, harder. Knowing what I did and why makes me guilty, the blame burns from inside. This is what drives me to what I do, what I've done.

Morning came. I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep. The room was dark, cold, empty. Condensed water droplets coated my window, and the light rain could be heard from where I now stood. The black morning was almost welcoming, like the blackness I longed for for so long. Today would be a memorable day, another memory I would wish to forget.

After I finished admiring the morning I flipped the light switch. I found my way to the closet and decided to get dressed. Hear me out now, I have my own style. I like what I like, and I wear what I wear. If you have a problem you can go die. I slipped into a pair of jean shorts, the short ones you buy at Abercrombie. I'm not a brand type, but I like what I like, and I like these. Following the shorts I pulled a tight black tank over my head, one that makes it easy to see how visible my ribs are. The last clothing item I put on was my ranger plaid hoodie. I love this thing, even the annoying fur on the hood. Once all the actual clothes were on, I moved to accessories and hair.

Now that I was dressed, wearing my two favorite necklaces, and had shoes on, I went downstairs. Milo was in the kitchen drinking a Vitamin Water. Normally I would have yelled at him for drinking my favorite kind, but today was different. He glanced over at me and gave a reassuring smile, the cheap kind you get from some one like your ex. The kind you get when people want you to be happy, but don't know how to do it. The kind you get from someone that's genuinely sorry they just seriously fucked up your life.

"Aren't you going to be cold?" he asked capping the bottle and coming my way. Staring at the floor, feeling a hollow emptiness, I shook my head.

"I feel nothing," my darkened voice whispered thickly. Milo was next to me and grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze.

"The dogs are all taken care of, let's go." He released my hand, and the loss of its presence made me realize how warm Milo was, always warm. His footsteps were barely audible as they made their way to the door. When I heard it open, I followed behind.

Outside I recognized the red car. It was the most spectacular one I had seen at the Boones', and apparently it was Milo's. He opened the passenger side door and right then I noticed how much of a hypocrite he was. A few minutes ago he asked me if I was going to be cold because I was wearing shorts, but so is he. I like his shoes though...

An hour and forty minutes later we arrived at the hospital. It wasn't as fantastic as our old one. The last hospital I visited was Strong Memorial in Rochester. That was a pretty nice place if you ask me, and so was the airport. Yea, that was nice too... The inside of EMMC wasn't as impressive as Strong either. A plus to that being I couldn't smell the hospital smell as strongly.

Milo left me to loiter while he went to find which room Faith was in. I basically just stood there. Free of thought, free of pain, free of feeling. In other words: dead.

A hand was placed on my shoulder.

"She's on the third floor. Let's go." Milo grabbed my hand once more. If he hadn't I would have just stood there for hours. We took the stairs.

"Here it is," he whispered once we stopped. I glanced up at the door. Room two twelve. All around were white walls, blank canvases. People sitting in chairs were scattered throughout the hall. A woman crying into her husband as the doctor gave bad news. Hospitals are not a place I belong. Places I belong don't include rich people, parties, fancy houses, dead people, sick people, and people I almost killed.

"I can't do it," I murmured. Milo squeezed my hand reassuringly, which caused me to wonder: why does he care? The door opened and a nurse stood, slightly confused. She smiled after a moment.

"Hello, she just took her medicine. She's a little sleepy, so don't be too upset if she dozes off." Milo nodded and thanked her as she walked away. Relief was present when I heard she might be asleep. Another day I don't have to face her, another day I live with less guilt than I should feel. Or not.