You Give My Emptiness a Name
Please don’t leave.
His breath was soft on my bare shoulder. His strong arms held me close as I waited for him to fall asleep. His rough calloused hands rested lightly on my hips. The sweat had dried on my skin, giving me an almost intense need to take a shower. But it felt too good laying here to move earlier then I had to.
I hadn’t been with Rick in a few months, and I missed him desperately. I’d never let him know that though. This had to stay like it was, no strings attached. I’d been hurt too many times before by men, and I wasn’t going to let Rick do the same to me.
I could feel his chest slowly move up and down against my back. I wished I could just let myself stay. Rick was perfect. Sweet, funny, caring, basically everything I wanted in a partner. And all I did was fuck him and leave. I knew it hurt him to wake up without me there. It hurt me too. But that was the way it had to be.
I couldn’t stop myself from going to him. He was like some kind of crazy drug. I just couldn’t get enough. So I would continue this cycle. It made me sick really. I made me sick.
I listened to the rain hit the bedroom window as I waited. Rick’s breathing was slow and rhythmic. He had to be asleep by now. It was twelve AM. Not only did he just get home from a tour, but our previous activities had to have worn him out.
I slowly unwrapped his arms from my body. Then very slowly started to inch my way off the bed. I didn’t make it far before a hand lightly grabbed my arm. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t move. I’d been caught.
“Where are you going?” Rick softly mumbled, his tired eyes were only open a fraction of the way.
“I have to pee,” It was the first thing that came to mind, “I’ll be right back.”
Rick sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, before looking me. His long curly brown hair was a mess, but perfectly framed his gorgeous face. His blue eyes stared into mine for what felt like hours.
“Please don’t leave.”
My heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. His voice sounded so hurt. I had to fight to keep the tears from starting, “I wont.”
Liar!
Rick continued to look in my eyes, “promise. Promise you’ll still be here when I wake up. I don’t think I can take waking up without you beside me again.”
The tears were slowly leaking out of my eyes. I was beyond thrilled that the room was dim, so he couldn’t see me that well. I knew that if I spoke he’d be able to tell I was crying, so I simply nodded in response.
“Jamie,” he pleaded softly as he pulled me into him, “I need to hear you say it.”
“I promise,” I whispered into his chest.
He laid back down, and pulled me down with him. He kissed the top of my head. Neither of us said anything. I preferred it that way; it meant I wouldn’t have to lie to him anymore. This was killing me. He must have been able to tell that I was lying, or he should have at least known better then to trust me.
He should have thrown me out of his home. Not lovingly wrap his arms around me, and lay by my side. I was just about as good as a whore. I wasn’t sleeping with other people, but I might as well have. Rick didn’t deserve this. And I was the last person who deserved Rick. He was too good for me. I was pathetic.
It wasn’t until around two thirty that I stopped crying. Rick was definitely sleeping again. He’d let out a few soft snores, and he’d partially released me from his grasp.
I was able to successfully get off the bed this time. I didn’t bother with my undergarments, and quickly slipped on my shirt and shorts. I slipped on my sandals, as I made sure I had everything.
I made sure to turn the doorknob as slowly as possible, so it wouldn’t make any noise. The door softly creaked as I pulled it towards me, but to me it was loud enough to wake the whole neighbourhood.
“Babe?” I heard Rick softly mumble.
I froze up again. What was left of my heart was practically leaping out of my chest. I held my breath, and listened. Rick had a weird habit of mumbling random things in his sleep. Was he doing it now?
I stayed in the same position for around a minute. My heart continued to try and beat it’s way out of my chest. My legs felt like they were going to give out. This was the last time. I couldn’t do this anymore. Not to Rick.
I quietly made my way out of Rick’s house and out to my car. I sat in the drivers seat and stared at Rick’s bedroom window. Why was I doing this? I wanted to stay in Rick’s warm bed. I wanted to cuddle with him, and fall asleep in his arms. I wanted to be his girl. Why couldn’t I let myself do any of those things? Was I destined to make myself miserable for the rest of my life? It certainly seemed like it.
I started my car, and hoped to God that it wouldn’t wake Rick. The way he looked at me when he made me promise to stay… it killed me. Yes. This was the last time Rick Savage was every going to see or hear from Jaime Miller. I would never darken his doorstep again. I was broken, and I was never going to be fixed. And I wasn’t going to make someone as wonderful as Rick suffer with me.
I hadn’t been with Rick in a few months, and I missed him desperately. I’d never let him know that though. This had to stay like it was, no strings attached. I’d been hurt too many times before by men, and I wasn’t going to let Rick do the same to me.
I could feel his chest slowly move up and down against my back. I wished I could just let myself stay. Rick was perfect. Sweet, funny, caring, basically everything I wanted in a partner. And all I did was fuck him and leave. I knew it hurt him to wake up without me there. It hurt me too. But that was the way it had to be.
I couldn’t stop myself from going to him. He was like some kind of crazy drug. I just couldn’t get enough. So I would continue this cycle. It made me sick really. I made me sick.
I listened to the rain hit the bedroom window as I waited. Rick’s breathing was slow and rhythmic. He had to be asleep by now. It was twelve AM. Not only did he just get home from a tour, but our previous activities had to have worn him out.
I slowly unwrapped his arms from my body. Then very slowly started to inch my way off the bed. I didn’t make it far before a hand lightly grabbed my arm. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t move. I’d been caught.
“Where are you going?” Rick softly mumbled, his tired eyes were only open a fraction of the way.
“I have to pee,” It was the first thing that came to mind, “I’ll be right back.”
Rick sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, before looking me. His long curly brown hair was a mess, but perfectly framed his gorgeous face. His blue eyes stared into mine for what felt like hours.
“Please don’t leave.”
My heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. His voice sounded so hurt. I had to fight to keep the tears from starting, “I wont.”
Liar!
Rick continued to look in my eyes, “promise. Promise you’ll still be here when I wake up. I don’t think I can take waking up without you beside me again.”
The tears were slowly leaking out of my eyes. I was beyond thrilled that the room was dim, so he couldn’t see me that well. I knew that if I spoke he’d be able to tell I was crying, so I simply nodded in response.
“Jamie,” he pleaded softly as he pulled me into him, “I need to hear you say it.”
“I promise,” I whispered into his chest.
He laid back down, and pulled me down with him. He kissed the top of my head. Neither of us said anything. I preferred it that way; it meant I wouldn’t have to lie to him anymore. This was killing me. He must have been able to tell that I was lying, or he should have at least known better then to trust me.
He should have thrown me out of his home. Not lovingly wrap his arms around me, and lay by my side. I was just about as good as a whore. I wasn’t sleeping with other people, but I might as well have. Rick didn’t deserve this. And I was the last person who deserved Rick. He was too good for me. I was pathetic.
It wasn’t until around two thirty that I stopped crying. Rick was definitely sleeping again. He’d let out a few soft snores, and he’d partially released me from his grasp.
I was able to successfully get off the bed this time. I didn’t bother with my undergarments, and quickly slipped on my shirt and shorts. I slipped on my sandals, as I made sure I had everything.
I made sure to turn the doorknob as slowly as possible, so it wouldn’t make any noise. The door softly creaked as I pulled it towards me, but to me it was loud enough to wake the whole neighbourhood.
“Babe?” I heard Rick softly mumble.
I froze up again. What was left of my heart was practically leaping out of my chest. I held my breath, and listened. Rick had a weird habit of mumbling random things in his sleep. Was he doing it now?
I stayed in the same position for around a minute. My heart continued to try and beat it’s way out of my chest. My legs felt like they were going to give out. This was the last time. I couldn’t do this anymore. Not to Rick.
I quietly made my way out of Rick’s house and out to my car. I sat in the drivers seat and stared at Rick’s bedroom window. Why was I doing this? I wanted to stay in Rick’s warm bed. I wanted to cuddle with him, and fall asleep in his arms. I wanted to be his girl. Why couldn’t I let myself do any of those things? Was I destined to make myself miserable for the rest of my life? It certainly seemed like it.
I started my car, and hoped to God that it wouldn’t wake Rick. The way he looked at me when he made me promise to stay… it killed me. Yes. This was the last time Rick Savage was every going to see or hear from Jaime Miller. I would never darken his doorstep again. I was broken, and I was never going to be fixed. And I wasn’t going to make someone as wonderful as Rick suffer with me.