The Way We Talk

It took until now, but we're finally doing the photoshoot.

Christian had mentioned in November that the guys were self-producing an EP and needed a cheap photographer for promo pics. I, as an amateur photographer, wanted a portfolio, and at that point, it was decided taht we were a match made in heaven.

We'd rescheduled this shoot exactly seven times. Four times for weather, two times because it was too busy where we wanted to shoot, and once because Jay had to cover a shift last minute.

But lucky number eight pulled through for us. Kogan Plaza is dead at eight AM - none of the boys are particularly pleased to be up this early, but, then again, none of them really had a choice.

My Rebel snaps them in various places around the park - the benches, the clock tower, the fountain, the gazebo. It's a better venue than the Jay's original location in Tenleytown, and it shows in the pictures.

Jay goes first in individuals because he has to Metro back to campus for class, then Christian, who plans on going back to sleep before his first class. Maika has few hours off, so he's shot next.

And then, there was one. When I tell people that Chris and I are still friends, I'm not really lying. At least not completely. WE can still hang out with the same crowd and make small talk, but we've never really recovered from our breakup of sorts. As much as we wishe the other was someone else during our unofficial "relationship", we still had feelings for each other, and the way it ended certainly knocked my pride down a notch.

But that's not why I find Chris difficult to shoot. I'm much more of a candid photographer, and he's too posed right now. I sigh and put down my camera. He needs to relax.

"Chris, I don't exist. Nor does my camera. This isn't modeling; these are controlled candids. Right now, these shots look more unnatural than Christian's."

He cracks a grin at that. Climer often has problems with camera-shyness, so that's almost an insult to camerawhore himself. "What do you propose I try then?"

"Think about what you feel like every time you get on the set."

He breaks into a giant grin, leaning farther into the beam. I snap a few from different angles. The emotion is refreshing, and I direct him around Kogan, shouting out small suggestions.

"Congrats, you'll have a new facebook default," I say as he rests his chin on my shoulder as I review his shots at the completion of the shoot.

I feel him grin. "Ric, you're an amazing woman. I look so good right there," he says as I stop at a shot of him on the Lisner steps, staring into the distance with a smirk on his face.

I shrug. "You don't make my job all that difficult, Chris."

He wraps an arm around my waist, then pecks my cheek. "Hey, are you free for lunch? Or do you have class or something?"

I shake my head. "I don't have physics until three forty-five. I think I could make it happen."

--

I don't think Chris and I have ever eaten any sort of American food together. First date, Vietnamese, second date, Chipotle, third date, Wasabi, dumped after Eithiopian. It's fine for me - I love ethnic cuisine, which is hard to come by in Maine - but Five Guys, Froggy Bottom, or Ben's Chili Bowl work too.

It also occurs to me that, over duck curry and drunken noodles split between the two of us, we haven't hung out alone since Valentine's Day.

Chris notices it as well, and mentions it once he's swallowed midmeal. "I'm glad this isn't weird, and I really hope I didn't just jinx it by opening my mouth. But I missed you, and I really hope I didn't fuck up a really awesome friendship."

I shake my head. "We just needed to break the ice, I think. You hurt my pride more than you hurt me, I swear. We both knew it wasn't going to work out. As pissed as you are at Dee, you still love her."

"And you're in love with Christian."

I close my eyes and sigh in frustration. "Why does everyone thing that?" I mutter, shaking my head.

Chris laughs, spearing a few noodles and stick them in his mouth. "Because it's so obvious that I'm surprised I didn't see it when we were 'dating'," he states with finger quotes after he swallows, "Honestly, no one has that kind of friendship unless there are feelings involved. Mutual feelings."

I shake my head, unconvinced, and Chris looks around to make sure no one is listening in on the conversation before continuing. "Christian is not as oblivious as everyone makes him out to be. He'll never admit it to anyone, but he probably set us up as a distraction. He obviously has feelings for you and you obviously have feelings for him."

"He used the fact that we were 'together' as an excuse not to use his get-out-of-jail-free card on me," I say curiously, wondering how this fit into Chris's philosophy of our relationship.

Chris looks blankly at me, then his features light up in recognition. "Oh, his free pass to hook up with anyone that wants that he still hasn't used? Yeah, excuse. Like, for the longest time, he didn't use it because he wanted to make sure he wasn't wasting it. But now, he knows who he wants but he won't use it because he knows it will mean too much. You've flipped his world upside down and you could destroy him."

"Like Deeanna did to you?" I shut my mouth after that, knowing that I crossed a line there.

"Yeah, exactly like Deeanna," Chris replies remarkably nonchalantly, placing his fork onto the plate lightly. "I know that a lot of people think I reacted way too strongly about the whole thing, and, looking back, I did, but I would have done anything for that girl. Like, you think Christian's whipped? Multiply that by fifteen and you get Chris Kamrada dating Deeanna Moore," he points to himself, then chuckles bitterly with a half smile, "The problem with putting someone on a pedestal like that is that it gives them more room to fall. Those little mistakes change your whole perception of who the person is, and I just couldn't deal with that. But just because I broke up with her doesn't mean that, in a really fucked up way, I don't still love her."

I nod, squeezing his hand with a sorry smile. "Yeah, I am in love with Christian." Chris chuckles at my abrupt subject change, but I feel like we're currently going confession for confession here, and he seems to agree. "I've never really said it out loud before. I don't wanna be. I hate that Maria Sentauri can't stand me and that I cause all of these problems in their relationship. Like, I think you and I wanted this to work because we're just so sick of being in love with someone who breaks us without even trying."

Chris nods, then asks for the check. He pays - his apology for the Valentine's Day fiasco - and we agree to keep doing this after we get back from Cancun.