The Way We Talk

From Christian Likes The Cock: meet me outside ivory ASAP. we need to talk. text me when you get this.

Those never were words I was fond of hearing. I don't know what this is about, but that doesn't stop that feeling that the apocalypse is starting early.

If it was nothing, he would have just invited me to hang out. This 'we need to talk' business is eerily un-Christian.

As I cross the street, I see Christian leaning against a white pillar. Without cigarettes as a crutch, he doesn't quite know what to do with his hands when he's waiting for something. He notices me and sighs.

"Hey." He's nervous. I may not be able to read his mind, but I know his body language. He can't match my gaze or stop tapping his foot.

"What did you want to talk about?"

Christian hesitates to answer, and I stand awkwardly in front of him, waiting for him to say something, anything. "So Maria and me got into a fight."

I nod cautiously. "Yeah, I was there, much to my chagrin."

He runs a hand through his hair, deep in thought or so I think. "She gave me this ultimatum." I nod again, but don't answer. I just want him to spill it out so that it can be dealt with.

In hindsight, I admit that I've metaphorically pissed all over Maria's territory. I'd moved in, become her boyfriend's confidant, started sleeping over and wearing his clothes, and there is only so much that one girl can take.

But I still wasn't prepared for those next words. "She says I have to pick, you or her."

It hits me like an eighteen-wheeler; no matter how far in advance you see it coming, you'll never be quite ready for the impact. It doesn't matter how strong and mighty you are; it will still take you down.

I open my dry mouth then close it. I am at a loss for words, without anything eloquent or even intelligent to counter with. His tone was cold, distant, and he doesn't have to say anything for me to know that he's made his decision.

"So this is your goodbye?" I whisper, trying to sound disinterested but failing miserably. "You're just going to give up on six months of friendship?"

He sighs again, and I glance up at him out of the corner of my eye. His blue eyes are fixed across the street at Townhouse Row- a distraction technique he employs when he says something he doesn't want to. "What am I supposed to do, Erica? Give up on a two-year relationship? I love her, Ric; you have to make sacrifices for the one you love sometimes."

Something in his words stirs an ember of anger in my chest into a more substantial flame, and I turn my head to face him directly. "Giving up smoking is a sacrifice. Cutting your hair the way she likes is a sacrifice," I counter, my frustration spurring confidence into my quivering voice, "Giving up your best friend is not a sacrifice, Climer. It's her way of sticking it to me, and you're letting her win. And you are so wrapped up in her that you can't see it."

Uncharacteristically, Christian punches the concrete, the matches my gaze with a pained expression on his face. I'm not sure if it's frustration as well or the fact that he could have easily broken a finger. "Dammit, Sanders, do you think I wanted this? Do you think that I want you out of my life? I finally meet a person who I just connect with, who understands me even when I don't make sense, and makes me smile even when I just flunked a midterm. And now I have to cut her out of my life for awhile. Because yes, I'm fucking pissed off about this whole fucking mess. But eventually, it's going to blow over, and it'll be like old times. I thought you of all people would understand this."

But it won't. I'm not sure if he's so stuck in the delusion that he realizes that he's lying to himself, but I know that Maria Sentauri won't budge on this one. She's put her foot down, and it doesn't matter how many rounds I've won so far; she'll always have him, I guess. I try to chuckle bitterly, but it comes out sounding more like a sob. I plead with my tear ducts to delay the inevitable meltdown. "Guess you were wrong, then," I whisper, then turn on my heel and walk away. Potomac House is the opposite way but walking around the block is better than letting him see me break.

He yanks my arm back, pulling me so dangerously close that I'm almost pressed up against him. He looks at me with such intensity that I can't hold his glance; I can't deal with the varying, dueling emotions in his features. I attempt to focus on the 'left foot/right foot' written in faded sharpie on the toes of my converse- anything to keep my mind off him right now. He lifts my chin with a finger not scratched all to hell, and scrutinizes my face one last time, as if to take in every last detail while he still can.

The air leaves my lungs as he kisses me slowly, so lightly that I half-wonder if he's really doing it. He breaks the kiss for half a second, then reconnects our lips in a much more certain, demanding fashion. The last speck of my sanity escapes me as his hands go to my hips and he none-too-gently pushes me into the nearest pillar. My hands go to his hair and grab fist-fulls as I push our lips together even harder.

And I can't stop it. I can't stop so Christian has to. "You w-were always m-meant to be my free hook-up, you know?"

If his kiss had knocked the wind out of me, then I'm not sure what his words just did. Not only am I his disposable best friend, but I'm also his disposable make-out buddy before he gets to go back to his perfect girlfriend.

"Fuck you."

I run. I'm in terrible shape but I'm propelled by anger and humiliation and the feeling that someone has ripped your heart out and is now using it for archery practice. I dodge pedestrians and cars and traffic signals. I'm going too fast and I can't see through my tears.

The door is open and I dash in. The UPD officers recognize me and do not stop me as I skip swipe-in to get to the elevator. I press my floor number with sob-shaking hands. Once at my door, I fiddle with my key until the lock opens.

It's only then, as I stare at my wall of glossy photos- an alarming number of them with Christian's signature grin- that I realize how much I've lost.