The Way We Talk

I'm the real bad guy in this story.

Ethics-wise, I'm in the wrong. I'm the immature boy who wanted everything he could get his grubby paws on. I hurt a lot of people, mostly the two girls I cared about the most, in my failed quest to have it all. I should have trusted my gut, but hey; I already admitted to being a greedy bastard.

Once upon a time, I thought Maria Sentauri was something else. I met her through Jay - they went to American together - and I fell for her in a snap. She was confident, sarcastic, and smart, not to mention the fact that she looks like a Victoria Secret model.

I was still pretty fresh out of high school and I'd realized that I was just this kid whose dream wasn't realistic. College was this backup plan and I was scared of the future and the idea that everything I'd spent my life working towards could crumble at my feet.

I didn't know what clothes to wear or how my hair should look or how to act. I was a wreck. She liked the way she could fix me up and I like the way that I seemed like someone who had it all.

It's easy to confuse love and something else when you've never experienced it before. Like, you have all of these beliefs about what love is going to be like, and when people start filling boxes on your mental checklist, you immediately file it under "love". But hey, I never said I wasn't young and stupid.

I don't think I even knew what love was until Erica. And I couldn't tell you the exact moment that I fell for her. It doesn't hit you like a smack in the face and there's no neon signs that point towards your soulmate. And it seemingly comes out of nowhere.

We just...connected. I can't find the word to describe it properly. She said a lot of things that made a lot of sense, and it was refreshing.

I guess what I admire most about Erica is that she knows who she is. She didn't need someone to make her who she is. She shaped herself.

She's stronger than me. She kind of reminds me of Maika- brilliant but damaged. You can tell that Matt's suicide still haunts her, but for the most part, she's put his ghost to rest. She's grown up and pulled herself up by her bootstraps. She talks about old Erica like she's this whole other person. Maybe she is. She deserves to be proud of herself for moving on with her life after that kind of loss.

But what I value most is her ability to understand. Erica just gets it. And she's the most fucking insightful person I know. She'll say something and it will be so smart, so honest, so simple. And I don't have to pretend with her. I can be just Christian with her, and I like it.

I always knew at some point, I'd have to choose. And when it came down to that, I chose wrong. I ignored my gut and did what I thought I was supposed to. Maria was my girlfriend for two fucking years; didn't I owe it to her?

In those four days after I all but told Erica to head for the hills, I realized that I'd be mistaking obligation for love. I hated what jealousy had turned Ria into, and I knew that she only really loved what she created, this shell of a character who wasn't the real me.

Ria cried when I broke up with her, but I think she understood. Hell, I think it was the most fucking honest conversation we've had in the two and a half years that we've known each other.

I don't deserve Erica. Hell, I didn't deserve Maria either, and I had her for two years. But I guess I got under her skin the same way she got under mine.

God, these are really not the kind of thoughts to be having at a time like this.

We are six people, all ready to return home. Jay is on his phone, talking wedding details with the Mrs.-to-be. They're getting married once Clarke finishes grad school, and I couldn't be happier for the both of them.

Maika is texting his new girlfriend, smile plastered to his face. I don't know Allison all that well, but I love that she makes him happy. He hasn't talked about a girl like this since Valerie, and even then, I don't think it's the same. There's this look in his eye that I never seen before.

Chris and Deeanna are cuddled together on their seats. You don't even need to know their history to know that they're perfect for each other. The past few months have made them realize that they just want to be together again, screw the past. It gives me hope, you know.

And then there's me and Erica. I stare down at my perfect girlfriend, who is sitting on my lap with her head to my chest.

"Hey, I love you," I whisper, pecking her forehead. I've never been one to say it all the time, but it just comes out of my mouth all the time. It's like I feel the need to make up for every time I should have told her before but didn't, couldn't.

She squeezes our interlocked hands. "I guess I'll keep you, then." I know by that wicked smile that she's joking, of course. But I can't help thinking that I'll miss that smile and that mouth and that girl. She's the only person not waiting for our flight back to Orlando. Her flight back to Portland takes off three hours after us, and coming down to the last few minutes, I wish we had more time. I think of all the time we wasted - I wasted - on Christian-and-Maria. But Erica's not sorry. It happened when it happened. There's no reason to rush forever.

Forever's a funny word to use with a girl you've been officially dating for nine days. And by funny, I mean horribly premature. I don't know if she'll always be my girl, but I know that she'll always be in my life. No matter what, we'll always be Christian and Erica, best friends.

The woman on the PA announces that all zones may board now. My friends get up, grabbing their carryon luggage. Erica slides off to her own seat, but I don't dare get up.

"It's your zone; you can board," Ric states shakily. She doesn't want me to leave, but she knows that I have to.

I shake my head. "I'm waiting for last call," I state, throwing an arm over her shoulders and pressing a kiss to her hair.

She pulls away reluctantly, smiling up at me. "We both know that if you don't get in that line now, you'll never get on that plane."

She's right. I'll make up some excuse to 'not hear the PA system' and end up going standby on the next flight just to have a few more hours with her.

"I just don't want to leave."

She kisses me quickly. "Christian Alan, I'll see you in a month. And we have every method of communication under the sun."

I shrug, then stand up. I pull Erica to her feet and engulf her in a massive hug. I kiss her soundly, then pick up my bag.

"Promise you'll call me when when you're on the ground, girl?"

"Only if I can call you again when I get home so that we can have phone sex."

I chuckle at that and kiss her one final time before heading to the short line. A disinterested TSA officer scans my boarding pass and sends me on my way. I step out of the way of the middle aged woman behind me and turn around to look back. Erica is leaning against a pole, trying desperately not to cry. I mouth "I love you", to which she smiles and mouths it back.

But it's too late to turn back now. I board the plane, eager to begin a new chapter in my life.