Head Over Heels

I don’t know how long I have been waiting for Tanner to text back. All I know is that it has been ages. MY mother has managed to cook dinner in the process. Her meals usually consisted of some weird meat thing. I don’t understand why she made them because she knew I am a vegetarian.

“Parker, dinner is ready,” she yelled. I didn’t even hear Dad come home. Hopefully he is, if he is then she won’t grill me as much about school.

I walked down the stairs and I entered the hall that leads me to the kitchen. The hall was full of photographs from different moments in our lives, but in all the photographs of myself I am holding up an award or getting some sort of award. There is only one photo of me not getting an award and that was our family photo, which got taken when I was about two years old. It sucks. Dad is always suggesting to Mum that she should put up more photos of me. She hates the idea. Sometimes I wish she wasn’t my mother.

“Finally, I was about to storm up there and yell at you,” I rolled my eyes at my mother’s voice. Sometimes I wished I had an older sibling, so then maybe they could also take some of the blame for things that went wrong or stuff that happened.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and I sat down at the table. I do one thing wrong and she yells at me. It’s like I can never please her.

“Hey kiddo,” I looked up and I felt my Dad mess up my hair.

“Hey Dad,” I smiled at him. My dad was one of my best friends, even though I hardly see him because of his job. He is a psychiatrist. He goes all over the country helping different teenagers with their problems. I love how he helps people but sometimes I really wish he was around so maybe I could get the confidence to tell him about my curiosity problem.
“Tanner!” my mother yelled and I jumped. My father put his hand on my back to settle me.
“No wonder your doing bad in school, you never listen,” she yelled even more. I didn’t move, I just kept my eyes on the ground.

“Liz, don’t start,” Dad sighed. I gulped because I know what will happen now. They will get into a huge fight over me and Dad will say sorry in the morning even though it isn’t his fault. It is never his fault.

“Well if he concentrated he would be excelling in everything he studies,” she said sternly. I rolled my eyes. I was never good enough for her. She has never been happy with me, and she will never be happy with me. Everything I do is a failure in her eyes. To know I will never make her happy kind of makes me upset. It hurts a little, but I would never let anyone know this.

“You know what mum, I’m sorry that I am so imperfect in your eyes. I’m sorry that I don’t always get perfect grades, but you know what, once I have officially graduated I am out of here,” I shot back and ran upstairs into my room. I cannot believe how much of a grumpy bitch she is being right now.

I sighed and then I heard my phone go off. I opened the message, hoping it was Tanner.
What are you so curious about anyway? I gulped, I have to tell him. I really have no choice. I am so scared. What if he goes off at me for not telling him? What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore? I sighed and decided to tell him.

My sexuality. I’ve been feeling differently about guys lately and well I guess I’m just curious as to whether or not I’m attracted to them.
I sent the text and waited for the reply. Hopefully he would give something useful to work with. He has been through this before so he should be useful.

How long have you been feeling like this? I smiled at his text.

A little after I started dating Jaz. It was true. I have always had these thoughts in my head about one person in particular, but I could never tell him that. My phone went off again, so I opened the text.

I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about this through texting or talking on the phoneHe knew me to well. I hated talking about major things over the phone, except when I broke it off with Jaz. I couldn’t stand to face that bitch.

No not really...I’d rather you’d be with me to talk about it

Well then let’s talk about it tomorrow during our movie night. That sound okay? That sounded more than okay.

Yeah that’s way better. I smiled at the text and pressed send.

Alright well then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m off to bed. I frowned that he was going to bed. I wanted to talk to him a little bit more. I loved talking to him.

Oh okay night Tanner. I sighed at my text and laid down on my bed.

Night Parker. I smiled at the text and put my phone on the nightstand.
I was about to close my eyes when I heard a knock at the door. It was probably my Father, seeing if I was alright.

“Hey Park,” bingo. I am always correct about this stuff.

“Come in,” I sighed. He was going to apologize for my Mother’s words or actions. He always does.

“You okay buddy?” he asked me. No I wasn’t ok. I have been having feelings for my best friend. That isn’t ok. Who has feelings for their best friend who is clearly taken? Me, that is who, I couldn’t tell Dad that I have been having feelings for Tanner. I wouldn’t know how he would react. I don’t know if I could handle him being ashamed of me.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“Well ok, but you know you can tell me anything right?” he informed me.
I nodded and laid down. He said goodnight and went back down the stairs. I really needed to talk to Tanner about everything. It would help me understand. I let my eyes fall shut and I had dreams of things I really shouldn’t be dreaming about.

-X-

This day just would not finish. All day Jaz was giving me this evil look. Everybody else was looking at me like I was some sort of freak. She was probably spreading some awful rumours about me. I didn’t really care. All I wanted was to get home and start the movie night with Tanner. The bell finally rang and released me from the nightmare they call school. I got to my locker and tried to breathe calmly. You could say I was a bit nervous. I was about to tell my best friends I am possibly gay. Do you have any idea how nerve wrecking that is? It’s horrible.

“Hey Park,” I heard Tanner yell. I smiled at him. He started walking towards me. Ok Parker just remain calm, I told myself. It’s only Tanner, your best friend. He will not bite your head off; there is nothing to be scared off.

“You ready for our movie night?” he asked me. I nodded quickly and smiled nervously. I was so not ready for this. I am actually so nervous right now.
I felt his arms wrap around my frame and I hugged back. His hugs always made me calm down a bit.

“Stop worrying so much and let’s go watch some movies,” I smiled at him. He definitely knew how to calm me down.

We started walked down the hallway towards the doors that led us out to the student car park. We made our way down the path and moved out of the way for idiotic younger kids that were running towards the bus or running towards their parents’ cars so they could get home as fast as possible. I got to my car and unlocked the doors so we could get into the car. I opened the door and got into the driver’s side. I shut the door and noticed Tanner slid in as soon as I shut it.

“Your mum finally gave you your car keys back?” he commented. I rolled my eyes at him. It was one of her ‘punishments’ for not telling her where I was. She should of known I would be with Tanner.

“Yeah, after grounding me for practically two months. I swear that women is so difficult. All I did was stay the night over your house and I’m grounded for two months without a car just because I forgot to call and tell her I was at your house. She should have figured I was over your house. Where the hell else would I go?” I finished my little rant. Just a little one. I breathed deeply. My mother got me so worked up. She was so uptight and annoying.

“She probably figured you were with Jaz,” I felt anger boil up in me when he said her name. I hate that bitch.

“Well it’s a good thing that that bitch is out of my life for good. I honestly do not know what I saw in her,” I ranted. It was the truth, she was just....hot I guess. I heard Tanner laugh and it was like music to my ears. His laugh is so contagious. I think I have a rather large crush on the amazing boy sitting next to me.

“Honestly I don’t know what you saw in her either.”

“I think I only liked her because she’s hot. Her personality is complete shit, so that had to be the reason,” I took a deep breath. I rambled a lot today. Well mainly in the last ten minutes or so. I heard Tanner laugh again and I felt myself melt inside.

I pulled up at my driveway and noticed my mother wasn’t home. I cannot describe how much happiness I am experiencing at the moment.

“Fuck yes, my mother’s not home,” I grinned. I heard Tanner giggle and it was the most adorable thing I think I have ever heard. I am starting to act like we are going out, and we are not going out. He was with Ian.

I turned the car off and got out. I made my way up the path and unlocked the door. I locked my car once Tanner had gotten out. I opened the door for him and let him in first. I closed the door and my way up the stairs into my room. Once I got in there I left the door open and kicked off my shoes. My feet felt free at last. They could breathe. I plopped down on my bed. Tanner was probably wondering when we would put up the projector and stuff. I should really tell him that I already done it. I was bored this morning so I decided to get on top of it, saved us from doing it anyway.

“I already set up the projector and stuff this morning, so really all we have to do is wait until it’s dark to watch the movie,” I explained. He probably was wondering when the projector was going to be set up.

I went and sat on the bed next to Tanner. It fell very silent. I think this was my chance to talk to him about my sexuality. We would be watching movies later on and I didn’t want to disturb that. He loves his movies, and he did say we would talk about it, so why not now?

“Anything specific you wanna do while we wait for it to get dark outside?” I asked. I was hoping he would understand or get the point that I wanted to talk about my sexuality or curiosity.

“Well do you want to talk about well you know,” he was hinting at me. I’m glad he got it. When the realization that we were actually going to talk about this subject sunk in, I felt a wave of nerves course through my body. I can’t even begin to express how nervous I am right now. It’s unbelievable. I looked down at my lap trying to hide my nervousness and any possibly blushing.

“I don’t know how to start that conversation,” I admitted to him. I seriously didn’t know how. I never had to start that conversation. When Tanner told me he was gay he sort of just came out with it. We didn’t have a conversation. I felt Tanner grab my hand and squeeze it. It must have been for encouragement, but even though I thought that was the reason it didn’t stop my heart from beating faster.

“Trust me; I’ll help you figure out what you’re feeling no matter what. So start talking,”
I chuckled at him when he pretended to be tough. Don’t get me wrong Tanner sticks up for people that mean the world to him but I don’t think he could hurt a fly. Well I have never seen him got in any fights.

“Well I’ve been thinking differently about guys lately and it’s odd to me, considering all I’ve ever thought about was girls, but lately guys have been attracting my attention. But I still like girls,” I confessed. It felt brilliant to get that out of my system. Even though it was only telling one person but it felt like a lot off of my shoulders.

“Well you’re not gay considering you still like girls. You might be bisexual or just going through a phase. Are you only feelings this way towards one guy or have you been feeling this way around different guys?” he asked me. There was only one guy I knew I liked but I did look at guys.

“Well... I’ve b-been a-attracted to one guy specifically lately,” I cannot believe I just admitted that. He is going to ask me who and I will have to make up some lame ass excuse of who I like. He will know I’m lying. God, I’m such an idiot. I looked at Tanner and then looked down at my hands. “B-but I’ve been finding other guys attracted too,” I decided to shut up. I was just digging myself into a bigger whole, which I won’t be able to get out of.

“Who’s the guy that you’re attracted too?” Tanner asked. I froze. There was no way in hell I could tell him. It would ruin our friendship.

“Ah well I’d rather not say,” I nervously replied. Hopefully he didn’t question me any further.

“Okay,” he said. I was glad he didn’t push me into telling him at all. I know if I did tell him it would have ruined our relationship, and Tanner would probably tell Ian and Ian would kill me. I do not want to get killed or lose my best friend.

“Parker, you’ve never kissed a boy before have you?” I shot my head up and his out of the blue question and began shaking my head frantically. Of course I hadn’t kissed a boy before; I only started to realize I considered boys in a romantic sense. I have no idea of how to kiss a boy.

“Do you want to try?” Tanner asked me.

“W-what?” I asked, currently in shock.

“Do you want to kiss a boy to see if that helps you figure out if you’re bisexual or not?” he asked me again. Of course I wanted to see if this thing was a phase or if I was actually bisexual, but who was I going to kiss? I couldn’t just go to some gay bar and pick out a random guy and start kissing him. That would be so weird.

“Yeah, I mean sure but who?” I asked. I’m hoping he won’t say some random.

“Me,” he stated. I think my heart stopped beating for a second. Is he crazy? I think he is. Don’t get me wrong, of course I want to kiss Tanner, I have been wanting to kiss him since I first started liking him.

“Are you sure you want to do that? What about Ian, won’t he get mad?” I had a million questions running through my head right now. I did not want to be the reason for Tanner and Ian to split up. They are perfect for each other, whenever they are around each other their faces light up. They love each other.

“Ian doesn’t have to know, besides if we tell him it’s to help you figure out your sexuality he won’t mind,” Tanner explained. I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure.

“Are you sure Tanner?” I asked.

“Yes. You don’t have to if you don’t want to I was just suggesting it. We can always find you someone else to kiss if you want,” he explained. Someone else to kiss? Like who? I don’t know many openly gay or bisexual guys, and even if I do I definitely don’t want to randomly kiss them. I only want to kiss Tanner.

“No! I mean no I-I’d feel more comfortable if it was you, considering that you’re my best friend and I wouldn’t want to go around kissing random people I don’t know,” I started to ramble on. I am nervous, if you couldn’t tell.

“Alright now don’t freak out or anything just relax. It’s the exactly same thing as kissing a girl,” he explained.

“Okay,” I replied nervously. Nervous doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings that are going through my body at this current moment. I just need to relax and remain calm. That’s all I need to do. So I did just that.

“Just relax,” he whispered as he moved his face closer towards me. I breathed in deeply and then exhaled. I have wanting to kiss his beautiful lips for a while now. I closed my eyes as he moved even closer and I felt my heart beginning to beat at a rapid speed. I felt our lips touch and I can’t express the feelings coursing through my body. It felt like the whole cliché of how it’s meant to feel when you kiss the person you have wanted to kiss for ages. The fireworks, everything. Just like the movies. He gripped my hips in his fists and pulled me even closer, if that was even possible considering we were pretty close right now. He applied more pressure to my lips and deepened the kiss. I had never thought this moment right now would happen but I guess I was wrong.

I had no clue what to do with my hand so I wrapped them around his waist. If anyone walked in and saw this they would probably see one very comfortable guy and a very awkward guy. Guess which one is which. I didn’t know what to do so I pulled Tanner closer to me so he was basically sitting on my lap. I brushed my tongue along his bottom lip and I felt him open his mouth for me. I instantly invaded his mouth and explored every bit of it. I pulled him closer so he was sitting on my lap. I forgot the situation that was around us, I forgot Tanner had a boyfriend called Ian, who was also one of my friends. I forgot everyone around us and just embraced the moment. It was amazing. Tanner’s sweet moan interrupted my thoughts. I just made him moan, oh god. I moaned soon after him, letting him know I was definitely getting turned on. To prove that I felt my pants get tighter, just fabulous. I was getting hard, just what I needed. I think my little crush will definitely be obvious now, if not then Tanner is obviously very blind.

We broke apart because I think it was safe to say we both needed air. Holy shit, I just made out with Tanner, my best friend. It was so awkward, I didn’t know what to say, but I had to say something.

“Umm ah....thanks Tanner,” I had no idea why I said thank you. I probably sound like some brain dead freak.

“You’re welcome,” he said quietly. He sounded like he had no idea what to say either. This is one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in. I looked down at my jeans and noticed I still had my problem; I needed to go to the bathroom to sort it out. This was so embarrassing. I was about to exit my room when I felt Tanner grasp my arm and pull me back. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something.

“Ah well did that um you know help?” he asked nervously. I looked down at my shoes and bit my lip to stop myself from blushing.

“Y-yes Tanner, it really did help me,” I answered.

“And...” he trailed off. He probably wanted me to tell him about whether I was gay, bisexual or straight.

“There is no way that I am completely straight, I’m definitely bisexual,” I confirmed. I felt the contact disappear from my arm and I missed it.

“Um I have to go...use the bathroom, there’s a whole bunch of dvds downstairs. You can go pick a bunch of movies that you want to watch. By the time I get back we can start watching movies,” I explained. I had a certain problem downstairs that I needed to fix.

“Okay,” I heard him mumble as I left the room. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. I swear what happened in there was not just normal. What the hell have I gotten myself into? I should have said no.