Her Flux

“Thomas, what do you think: where should we put the orchestra? Should it be in the left corner or should it be right in front of the windows?” Addison asked her husband. He only looked at her lazily from across the dining table and sighed. She’d gotten him bored with all the decision making questions she threw at him constantly. By now, he was probably regretting his decision about the Winter Ball. He couldn’t understand why she kept asking him when in the end she’d do it her way.

“In the middle,” he answered as he raised his vine glass.

Addison scrunched her face as she cut her meat in half. “No, I do think it would be better in the corner. The room will look all the more spacious,” Thomas’ hand froze in mid air, the liquid in his glass swaying dangerously. He gave his wife a cold look that clearly stated his opinion about her irksome questions. Erica and Nathanial exchanged a confused look.

“Why do you seek my opinion, when it clearly matters so little to you?” All hint of warmness and joy washed from Addison’s face.

“Well I thought that you wanted to be included in this. It was your idea to begin with.”

“Ah, but there you see. The idea was mine and the plans are yours,” he told her.

“So you are saying that you want no part in this? You are going to leave me to plan and worry?” Addison asked incredulously. Thomas rolled his eyes putting his vine glass down.

“Addison I beg of you, do not start. I am here for all you need my love, but you are wearing me down with your questions. You are far more than capable to make these decisions on your own,” He said, trying to flatter his way out. He hoped that she would leave him at peace if he did. “For instance: do you remember when we hosted your sister Fiona’s engagement party in the summer of 1698?” Addison straightened up proudly. She couldn’t fight a smile. “It was while we still lived back in Ludlow.”

“I do.”

“You were the one that organized everything back then and correct me if I am wrong, but everyone congratulated you on a job well done, not me.”

“You do know how to flatter me Thomas, I will concede that,” she chuckled. “That is probably the main reason why I took you on your marriage offer. But I am afraid this time it will not work. I expect your escort to Ludlow next week. I intend on doing all the shopping at once. You know I hate last minute organizations.”

“Speaking of departures, Nathanial,” Thomas turned to him, changing the subject smoothly. “When do you leave?”

Erica jerked her head up, looking between the both of them. Nathanial gave her an apologetic look. “Leave?!” She asked loudly, the tall ceiling amplifying her bafflement.

“You did not tell her?” Addison leaned forward in her seat to get a better look at Nathanial.

“Um… I was meaning to…” he responded tentatively.

“Where…Why are you leaving?” Erica asked him. She felt that salty feeling welding up in her throat as tears threatened to arise.

“He has been invited to a party in London. He will not return for two weeks or more,” Thomas answered her. Erica’s face saddened and Thomas reached and smoothed his hand over hers. “But he will return. I promise.”

At this Erica smiled a little. “I used to adore social gatherings in London. Father used to take Fiona and me. They were so much fun. I loved to dance. Do you remember Thomas?” Addison smiled as she dropped her knife, putting a hand over her heart. “That was how we met. I remember that all the girls lined up and waited for their partners and I was so nervous. I feared that William Everingham would be the one standing opposite from me,” she turned to Nathanial. “He was courting me you know,” Nathanial only nodded, while Thomas smiled at the memory.

“Ahh, yes. We could not stop laughing behind his back at his expression when I took your hand and led you back to the start,” Thomas said laughing slightly.

“I felt so relieved. I never fancied him and if Thomas hadn’t done what he did that night, I am afraid father would have promised my hand in marriage to him,” she made a face of disgust. “It was not like I had a say in that. Did you notice Thomas?”

“What my dear?”

“His son. He named him after himself. William. But I have to say though; his son is far better looking than his old man. Agnes is not the brightest flower in the bouquet either, but I guess that old saying is true: The prickly thorn often bears soft roses.”

“Indeed.”

“Father never liked the Everinghams though. But he considered my marriage to him as a good business deal. Thank God you were courting me as well. Father always liked you better. That reminds me, Nathanial. Is there a young lady that you would like to impress?” A surprised noise emerged from the back of his throat as he tried to answer. He disliked the topic, but did not want to sound rude by denying answering.

“Addison, leave the boy at peace. He probably has someone. You are making him uncomfortable,” Thomas argued.

“Yes but-”

“May I be excused?” A small silence filled the dinning room as Erica’s chair scraped the floor. “I do not feel hungry anymore.”

“Of course Erica. But are you feeling ill or-”

“No, no mother. I am just tired that is all.”

“Go my dear. Call me or Cecile if you need anything,” Addison said, before returning to her meal and conversation. Nathanial and Erica exchanged one brief look, before she tore her gaze away and left the room.

She did not know what had gotten into her. She felt sad that Nathanial had to leave so suddenly. She had grown accustomed to his presence. She loved when they read, rode and walked together. She even liked when they sat silently in the same room as her parents. But there was another feeling that was eating her from the inside. It was something on the lines of incertitude and pain. She couldn’t just shrug away the thoughts about the party she just heard about. She kept thinking of all the girls that would be there and she felt an anger of some sort. Or perhaps jealousy was a better term to explain what she was feeling. But why jealousy? Was it because these young ladies were given the chance to attend an important event as this and she was not? Or was it because a certain young man she knew was given the chance to flirt with the same?

She found the latter absurd. She emerged from the mansion, the starless sky above her dark in the night. It was not as if she had a destination. If it was up to her, she would enter the forests of Clun and never return if that would free her. But she couldn’t and even if she could, where she’d go? Eventually, her legs led her tortured self into the stable. The smell of hay and the sound of horses breathing calmed her down a bit. She spoke to every single horse in the stable as she stopped in front of each stall. But there was only one horse that felt hers. Akil. She threw her hands around the horse’s neck and sighed in his hair. Akil neighed briefly, nuzzling his nose against the side of her face.

Erica smiled. “I know you love me Akil and I know you will never leave my side,” Akil tapped his hoofs against the ground. “I have been selfish lately and I have been neglecting you as well. I haven’t paid you enough attention since he arrived. I apologize,” Akil swung his head. “He is a good person, I swear. But… I have been childish to think that he’d stay here forever. I almost forgot that he had a life before meeting me and that he’d leave to form a family eventually. But I never thought that this may occur so soon,” she said looking at her horse for answers. “What do you think? Was I childish to think this? Of course I was. He is young and handsome and perhaps he left a young girl behind in London, although he told me that he had never fallen in love before. Do you think he has someone though?”

“Why not ask him yourself?” She heard a response and she pulled away, her eyes widening as she started at Akil. The sound of footsteps made the adrenaline rush through her veins. She did not dare to turn around. She knew the voice by rote. But she did not have to turn around for he circled her and stood in front of her on the other side of Akil. There wasn’t a smile on his lips, nor was there judgment in his eyes. In fact, she could see an ounce of sadness swimming in an ocean of regret. She kept her head down, her cheeks flushing. “He may want to answer you the same thing.”

“I do not have the right to ask him that,” she replied shyly.

Nathanial patted Akil’s crest. “He gives you the right.”

“Maybe I do not want to find out.”

Nathanial snorted, shaking his head disapprovingly. “That is a lie and we both know it.”

Now, it was her turn to snort and to shake her head. But she added a small angry glance towards him. “Oh trust me, it is not a lie.”

“Erica,” he breathed as he grabbed her forearms. She pulled away. “I will return as your father said-”

“I am not angry because you are leaving. I am angry because you never mentioned leaving. And I knew,” she emerged from the stall and he followed her. She grabbed the skirt of her dress and faced him. “I knew there was something you kept secret and I trusted you when you feed me your denials!”

“I did not want to cause you pain!” he shouted and silenced her. It was their first argument and he was regretting it instantly. He could see no anger in her eyes and wasn’t angry himself. He just felt the need to explain. The need for her to listen. “I apologize. I did not mean to raise my tone. Please, let us talk.”

“We will… after you return. Good night Nathanial. I wish you a safe journey.” That was the last thing she said to him, before she left the stable.

It was a long night for the both of them. The early morning hours were no different than the night. Dark clouds still lingered above, hiding the golden rays of the sun. Everything seemed to overtake a lifeless gray shade. A strong wind swayed the threes and scattered the fallen leaves around. It was a cold morning, but Nathanial was ready to leave. Thomas, Addison and Vilemina were the ones that were there that morning to see him off. The two golden chestnut colored Thoroughbreds were harnessed in front of the black carriage and the footman waited as Nathanial said his goodbyes.

“Have a safe journey Nathanial,” Addison said as he kissed her hand.

“Thank you Addison,” He only bowed his head to Vilemina who smiled and nodded back.

Thomas patted Nathanial on the back and led him towards the carriage, away from the ladies. “Well, I send you off knowing that you have two of my best horses to ride with you. Trust me… They are best of their kind. I have only lost one of them and it pains me greatly.”

“I know. A lot of animals die when giving birth,” Nathanial said. Thomas looked at him confused. He laughed and shook his head.

“I am sure they do, but you see our horse was a he,” Nathanial’s face overtook a serious expression. Something was not making sense.

“Wait, the empty stall belonged to the horse you speak off right?” He asked him. Thomas nodded. “What happened to him?”

“Yes, he…um… was very ill. There was nothing we could do to help him. But I can assure you that the remaining seven of them are perfectly healthy,” he told him. Nathanial looked increasingly confused. He managed to smile weakly before shaking the hand of Thomas and entering the carriage. They waved at him, excluding Vilemina. He nodded back with a smile. A trot of four pairs of hoofs was heard, before the carriage left the Providence Mansion. Nathanial leaned back into the red cushioned seat and sighed. He could clearly recall Cecile’s words:

“Oh, well we used to have a female horse. She died giving birth,” Cecile said as she stroked Erica’s back, with the hand that wasn’t holding the black blanket. Once again, Nathanial’s eyes flew to the fabric, looking at Cecile with narrowed eyes.

“What happened to the foal?” He asked.

“We-well, because the young creature was so small and motherless, Sir Thomas decided to give it away. So he sold it,” she stuttered. Nathanial nodded, finding no reason not to trust her.

Until now…

Later that day, Erica sat in her room, her eyes glued to that oak case clock on her crème wall. The pointers moved so slow, hence making her think that the clock needed a good winding. She may have thought that, but deep inside she knew the truth. It was happening. Again. The loneliness. The boredom. They were slowly returning to her like ghosts to the graveyard. With Nathanial around there was always something fun to do. Now it was just like before. It was as if he had never existed. She tapped her foot impatiently. Her heart clenched with every single raindrop that hit her window and a painful sigh escaped her lips every once in a while.

What was she supposed to do? Read a book? She was not in the mood to do that. It would remind her of Nathanial. Should she go into the stable? No, that would remind her of last night’s quarrel. Should she start threading again? She had long forgotten about her little tapestry after Nathanial arrived. But she couldn’t thread today. The picture of the boy and the girl in the printed mesh canvas would also remind her of him. Or even worse, of him and the rest of the young people that will attend that event. She could see them all: dancing, laughing, drinking sweet refreshments while she sat here. Alone. Forgotten.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her door. She allowed them to enter. It was Vilemina. A delightful smile was plastered on her face. Erica looked at her curiously.

“What?” She asked as she stood up from her bed and met her half way.

“You have a visitor,” she told her excitingly. Erica blinked couple of times, before smiling, still confused. She hadn’t seen Vilemina so excited in a while.

“Who is it?”

“The young Earl of Shrewsbury,” Vilemina squealed and embraced her. Slowly Erica’s hands found their way around her friend as she returned the hug. A small, yet visible grin grew on her lips.

So she was not forgotten after all.