Her Flux

“Oh, you are awake…” Cecile concluded after opening the door to Nathanial’s room. It was still early and she thought he’d be sleeping instead of lying casually on his bed, his hands crossed under his head. He straightened up and nodded.

“Yes well, sleep does not come easily to me these days,” he said, lowering his gaze to her hands. She was holding clean, folded towels. “You can leave those here,” he pointed to the edge of his bed. After a pause, he spoke again: “I received your letter.”

Cecile was slowly placing the towels when her head jerked up. His lips overtook a soft curve and he beckoned her to sit down on the bed. “Yes, I supposed you would.”

“How did you know I would return?”

“I did not. I only hoped you would, taking in mind your feelings for the young lady,” she told him and stood up. Nathanial gasped, staring at her with wide eyes. Cecile had spoken her words quite earnestly and that had him bewildered. Has she told these same words to someone else? She knew that they have been few times left alone and unchaperoned and he feared the repercussions of it. If anyone else was to know, they would have to be wed immediately and by anyone he did think of her parents. Yet, somehow for the first time in years he did not fear the thought of marriage that much. “Do not look so awestruck my dear boy. You are going to deny my words?” she raised her eyebrow smugly, tantalizing him in her own way.

He heaved a sigh and shook his head. A small, tentative grin lit his face up for he knew that Cecile only wished Erica’s happiness. “Why would I deny if I am certain that you will not believe me? By lying to you, I’d be lying to myself as well. I’ve spent idle hours persuading myself that nothing was at hand, but I was wrong. Still, I have no right feeling this.”

She clasped her hands together. “Ahh, but you see the matters of the heart know nothing of rightness.”

Nathanial felt slightly relieved that she was not chiding him, but still he couldn’t help but wonder. “You mentioned William in you letter purposely. Am I right?”

“Yes well, my reasons to seek your return were quite flimsy.”

“And you thought that by mooring jealously in my heart you’d increase the chances of my return?”

“I could have thought in that same direction,” she laughed and headed for the door. “I will leave you to yourself now.”

“Wait Cecile,” he jumped off his bed and squirmed under her gaze as he struggled with words. “Could it be… um… what I trying to ask is there any chance Erica returns my affection?”

“Why not ask her yourself,” Cecile said, “She is in the sitting room with her mother.”

“Erica is awake?”

“Yes, now,” she grabbed the handle. “If you excuse me…”

“Go ahead,” Nathanial replied as he watched the door to his room got closed. He sighed and plopped down on his bed putting his arm over his eyes. Should he ask her? And if he decided to do so, what would his question be? There was no way of knowing and there was a minimum chance that they would be allowed to be together. If people found out that there was something happening between the two of them, having in mind that he lived in the Providence Mansion, they could make up untruths about their relationship. A man that fancies a lady should not be living in her home and be alone with her-rules they had already broken. True, here in Clun, miles away from Ludlow and London, they were safe from vicious eyes. And he was not worried about himself, because he couldn’t care less about gossips. But Erica was another story. Gossips targeted her since the day she was born and he knew her wish for normality. The ball was nearing and he would be damned if he ruined that event for her by having people side glancing at her.

He stood up, threw on his coat and made his way out of the east wing. Along the way he saw Vilemina who was cleaning the floors with a mop. He passed her by, acknowledging her existence with a mere nod and headed towards the sitting room, only to find it empty. There was an unsettling feeling in his gut. He hated finding the sitting room empty for the last few times he did, something was always up. Without second thoughts, he sprinted up the stairs. The hallways were clear, there was nobody in sight. He rushed towards Erica’s room and once he was standing in front of her door, he hesitated. He was about to knock, but as soon as his hand touched the handle, the door drafted open.

The window to her room was open and the erratic winter wind was blowing small, puffy snowflakes in. She was standing right next to it, her palms rubbing her forearms. She was wearing an ivory morning dress, its silk and her hair floating wavily behind her. Her eyes were looking at the gray heavens above, blinking when a snowflake would land on her delicate eyelashes. She was shivering, but she was so distracted by her thoughts she did not even notice when Nathanial entered her room. He stood at the threshold for a while not sure what to do. He wanted to clear his throat, but it was too dry. He wanted to say something, but no words came out. But when he noticed her goose bumped skin and her shivering, instinct made him take her cloak off her hanger and drop it upon her shoulders.

Erica turned around swiftly in alert. In front of her stood the one she called her teacher, her friend and the one that as of late made her heart pump extra blood through her veins. Her lips parted and she refrained herself from running her tongue over them for it was unladylike. He had a small, insecure smile on his own lips and his hands were still resting on her shoulders. What came next was an abundance of silence. What was she supposed to tell him when she was confused in the first place? What was he supposed to say to calm her when in fact his heart was as restless as never before?

Again, instinct took over and they hugged each other closely. Erica’s hands lay on his chest, her face buried in his shirt, while his arms wrapped around her. The behavior of their limbs may have been easy to describe, but to portray their feelings in words was much harder than that. “Erica…” Nathanial breathed pulling her just a little so he could look into her eyes. There were glistering tears forming on the roots of her lashes and with a blink they were rolling down her cheeks like waterfalls. “No, no please do not cry,” he begged, pushing the window closed and guiding her to her bed. She sat and he knelt in front of her, taking her cold hands into his. “It’s all right,” he reassured her, pulling a clean handkerchief from the pocket of his waist coat and giving it to her. She wiped the unwanted tears away and looked back at him. ‘God his eyes are beautiful,’ she thought.

“Mother said you know,” Erica said. Nathanial nodded slowly, his thumbs drawing circles on the back of her palm. “You must think horrors of me.”

“Oh come on now, so you glow,” he spoke raising a brow at her. She looked at him curiously, not noticing the almost prurient look in his eyes. He had longed to have her close and even more since the day he saw her unconscious. That day and in that moment he felt as if someone had stroked his heart right out of his chest and here she was stating things that were so far back in his mind, he wasn’t even sure they ever found their way across. “I bet I can out win that,” he told her.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” he stood up and took a small stroll around the room, brandishing his hand casually as if telling a story. “I often… sing when I bathe.”

“Oh?”

He looked at her and stooped next to the window, leaning against its frame and cool glass. “Oh yes and I also know how to dance this new type of dance books have been writing about lately. Dancers hold each other closely, their faces almost touching. It is called Weller or Spinner, I wouldn’t know.”

“I believe a French writer wrote once about it-”

“Michel Eyquem de Montaigne,” Nathanial added tersely.

“-but said that only peasants knew of it,” Erica said. Nathanial smirked at her and rolled his eyes.

“There and to top it all up, a gentlemen such as me is telling all of this to a lady. Also, when I was just a boy, I learned a lot of things from the adults while… eavesdropping,” he play-whispered the last word and pushed himself off the window and sat on the chair opposite from her.

Her hand flew to her mouth in mock horror and she shook her head. The tears in her eyes were dried up by now and there was that glow around her. It was not as bright or as noticeable as it had been few nights ago. In fact it was hardly noticeable at all. But knowing what he did and having spent as much time as he did with her, Nathanial could tell the difference between a normal girl and her. “Why sir Nathanial, are you intending on corrupting me?”

“Shamelessly,” He said leaning back in the chair. “You must think horrors of me now.”

“I could never think ill about you,” she confessed dropping her chin, before having a finger raise it again. Nathanial grinned warmly at her.

“Nor can I about you. Erica,” he knelt in front of her again. “I realize that I owe you my life-”

“A life that was jeopardized because of me!” she confronted as she jumped on her feet. Nathanial caught her wrist and spun her around.

“And why is that?”

“Because…” she gestured with her hands helplessly trying to find a good reason. “If it were not for me you would not be here in the first place and your life would never have been in grave danger. If you haven’t noticed I am not what you’d call normal. If what my mother told me this morning is true, you are as well as talking to a corpse right now,” the words sounded less morbid in her head.

Nathanial bobbed his head back and laughed. “If all corpses are as beautiful as you, I might consider paying the graveyards more visits from now on.”

“Good Lord Nathanial, do not say such things,” Erica said pealing her wrist out of his hand. “My head is one giant mess at the moment. She said she told you everything and how can you be so calm? I believe that you should be running as far away from me as you can. You should think what is right for you.”

“Probably, but if you keep thinking about this incessantly, you are going to give your pretty little head a headache.”

“And you wouldn’t want that would you?” Erica challenged.

“If you are a bit like my mother when having one, then no I wouldn’t,” he said and Erica laughed.

“Dear Lord, what have they done to you in London?” She asked, but her smile faded as she remembered the letter. ‘What has Miss Leonor Dupont done to you?’ she thought bitterly.

“I am afraid I have always been this way. I just have a way to wheedle myself out.”

“Oh, trust me sir Nathanial I have noticed that little fact about you.”

“Have you now? Have my charms any special effect on you?” He asked leaning closer. Having her breath caught in her throat and feeling her legs about to turn into jelly, she inched backwards and walked to the other side of the bed.

“Did you ask this same question to the ladies in London? Maybe,” she hesitated, picking out her words carefully. “Some French girls?”

A confused frown saddened Nathanial’s face. A line formed between his eyebrows and he walked over to her side again. “French? Oh dear God not. My mother was nagging me all the time I was there about this Leonor Dupint-”

“Dupont,” Erica corrected subconsciously. Nathanial stared at her curiously.

“Yes…” he scratched his chin. “She wanted me to get to know Miss Dupont better under the explanation that she was a very beautiful society lady, from a rich family and why am I telling you this when it seems that you are well aware of it and in fact I should be asking you how you know this indeed?” He said all of it too fast, Erica’s hand was spinning. A blush burnt her ears and her neck as she mouthed incoherent words as reply.

“I know nothing. I just knew that it was not Dupint and it was Dupont because it’s French and-”

“Erica?” He warned.

“All right! So I read a letter my father received from your uncle and it said that you are the new suitor to that lady. Anyway, we should be getting downstairs for if mother sees us she will make a fuss out of nothing.”

Nathanial smiled mischievously, a spark of hope in his heart telling him that she just might feel the same way. “Do you know what happens to young ladies in England that are caught alone, without a guardian in the company of a young man?”

“What?”

“Well, because it is considered to be a compromising situation…They end up being trapped in a marriage with each other.”

Erica blushed. “Well then you would not like to be trapped in a marriage with me. Besides, I’ve got the impression that you have a small phobia from the matrimonial waters,” she said.

“It is not a phobia! Well as I said before, love is not something you learn with time. It is a special feeling of care that develops between two people that find each other dear.”

“Are you saying that you would not mind marrying me?” she took a step towards him, felling bold all of a sudden. “Are you saying you find me dear?” Before he could even answer, there was a knock on the door. At this Nathanial stiffened and pulled back a little. Now, it was his turn to blush and to choke on his words. But, luckily for him it was only Cecile. He let out a sigh of relief and excused himself before sprinting out of her room. Cecile looked confusedly around herself. “Do not worry Cecile, he is all right.”

“What had him so winded up?”

“Oh nothing. It was something we spoke of.”

“Was it perhaps something you said?”

Erica grinned and sat down on her bed, her hands supporting her weight. “Perhaps,” she replied. Her eyes traveled once more towards her window as she looked at the sky.

Cecile moved nimbly around the room, picking out some dresses that needed to be washed and ironed. “Well, they do say a man in love is a puppet in the hands of the woman he loves.” At this Erica jumped off her bed. She almost stumbled forwards as she stepped on her ivory dress. “Dear Lord! Child, be more careful. You just awakened. You cannot expect to jump and run at will.”

“Why did you say that?”

“Because you haven’t moved in four days-”

“No, no Cecile. About a man being a puppet,” Erica questioned as Cecile pulled dresses out of their hangers. “Why did you say it? Does… has Nathanial said something to you?”

“Now why would he say something so intimate to me?”

“Please Cecile, if you know anything-”

“I know nothing,” Cecile said as she grabbed the dresses she had piled and passed her by. Before she exited the room she turned to look at Erica from behind the mountain of clothes in her hands. “If you really want to know, ask him yourself,” She said and closed the door behind her. Silence filled the her room again. Erica walked over to her window and opened it, letting the cool air wrap around her bones. There were so many things she wished to know and Nathanial was only a needle in hay compared to everything else that was happening to her. She had been killed, she had been revived and now she is everything but normal. She sighed, watching as her hot, steamy breath disappeared between the snowflakes.

“If only it was so simple…” Erica murmured to no one in particular.