Her Flux

Days passed and not much changed. The weather was getting colder with every snowflake that touched the white ground and sun rarely kissed the sky. It was few days before the ball when it happened. Lord David came to visit unannounced. He was not exactly thrilled to find out that Nathanial knew what he did. Actually when Thomas told him, the smile washed off his face, the warm sparkles evaporating from his brown eyes. He looked confused, he looked discontent and he showed this by pushing the chair he was sitting on with his foot and slapping both hands on Thomas’s office desk. Thomas was slightly taken aback and stared at his enraged form. Anger flared through his nostrils and his face turned bloody red.

“He was not supposed to find out!” Lord David shouted. The look of surprise and disbelief was still plastered across Thomas’ face. It took a minute of silence, but Lord David composed himself. He paced back and forth trying to calm down. Thomas leaned back in his chair and looked at him with narrowed eyes trying to understand why he found this so infuriating.

“I am well aware of that, but what is done is done. It was not our fault.”

Lord David nodded. “I know, forgive me for my behavior. I just…” he hesitated. “I wish for Erica’s best and I am afraid… Oh nothing,” he discard his thoughts and turned away from Thomas.

Thomas stood up. “No please tell me.”

“Oh it is nothing.”

“If you do not mind, I would like to know David. We are friends,” he put a hand on his shoulder. “We should be able to trust each other. I know from a fact that you have opposed Nathanial’s stay here from the very start. I may not know the relationship you share, but it seams to me that he is a good young man.”

“I assure you that he is in fact a very good man Thomas. After his father died, I took the obligation upon myself to teach him everything a father would. I love him as if he was my own flesh and blood and because I love him so, I do not think he belongs here.”

“Wherefore?”

“Nathanial rarely gets attached to people and when he does, he gives himself completely. This may seem like a virtue to you, but it is actually his fault. His attachments have always led him to sadness and I do not relish him getting hurt.”

“You think he may grow attached to my daughter?” Thomas asked gravely.

“If he hasn’t already. Ahh, this is all William Everingham’s fault and mine. I should have never brought him here.”

“Well we are hosting the ball. Sooner or later he would have come.”

“Yes, but it was better later than sooner. He should have never come here alone in the first place.”

“As I said. What is done is done.”

“Why Nathanial Thomas? There were plenty other people in Ludlow. He knew that if he returned to London, his mother would keep pressuring to get married and although I see nothing wrong with that, apparently he does. That is why he is here,”

“Are you saying I made a mistake in bringing him here? David, my friend, I have done nothing to please my daughter. Ever. I could not see her lonely anymore. I could not stand that sad cloud that has been resting above her head for years. Your nephew has done a lot for her.”

“I do not distrust your judgments my friend, but as of late you have become an indulgent parent. We can see the consequences of that,” It was true. Thomas could see the consequences from his actions. There were crystal clear in front of his eyes: Nathanial almost got killed, Erica was almost captured as a witch, the secret was slowly spreading and because he knew all this so well, he only stood silent. At the beginning it was only a way to please his daughter, his savior. But now everything was changing. As Lord David said, as of late he has become more indulgent and that has led to all the things that happened. This could not continue. This had to change.

This had to end.

“I see,” Thomas heaved a sigh and returned to his desk. He sat down slowly, his fingers massaging his temples. “You say he wishes not to marry, yet he might be developing feelings for Erica?”

“Thomas, I am not implying anything. Nathanial is as unpredictable as he is stubborn. But one thing I can assure you of,” Lord David said. “He is a gentleman.”

“Indubitably.”

“I wish to speak with him now.”

“He is probably with Erica. If you see her tell her I am looking for her. Will you please?”

He nodded and with a click of his heels, he was out of the office. Meanwhile, Erica and Nathanial were sharing a playful conversation in the stables. They were doing George’s task, which was to feed the horses. It was not as if George forgot about his work. Not at all. He was the type of man who never forgot about his duties. He has worked for the Providence family for fifteen years now and he has been the same since the first day he laid a foot on the estate: quiet, obedient and laborious. There was nothing special about him in particular. His features were simple and very similar to the ones of his daughter. He had graying blond hair with emerald eyes and his height was not that much intimidating. A mid-smile was as far up as his lips ever came to be. His conversations were always reduced to minimum. He rarely spoke and when he did, it was usually to excuse himself. His voice was light and melancholic as if the world’s weight was upon his shoulders. Yet, he was the kindest man Addison and Thomas had the pleasure of working with.

“Excuse me milady,” George said to Erica and bowed his head.

“Oh George!” Erica cried. “Why do you persist on calling me that?” George only smiled weakly as he always did and gave no answer.

“Do not worry about the horses. We will feed them,” Nathanial offered. His hands were dipped in hay and he was feeding the jet black horse. The horse grazed obediently, his hot breath ticking Nathanial’s hand. He caressed the horse, whispering “Good boy.”

“Very well then. I will see you later,” he answered and with a bow he was out of the stables. Erica only shook her head and walked over to where her horse was.

“Strange fellow, don’t you agree?” Nathanial said. “Ever since I have arrived here he hasn’t uttered a simple word of a solid conversation. It makes a man wonder,” he said moving into the same stall with Erica. Akil was eating soundlessly from her hand.

“Strange? No. Reserved is a more appropriate term.”

“His daughter is nothing alike. She is shy, but once she enters a conversation it is a delight to talk to her,” he said. Erica looked at him from the corner of her eye.

“Yes… she is. Vilemina is a dear. We grew up together and ever since I know about myself, she has always been there for me. I would give my life for her,” Akil neighed and tapped his hoofs restlessly. Erica stroked his hair and shushed him.

“Calm down boy,” Nathanial came to Akil’s side. Erica giggled and he gave her a curious look.

“I thought that you’d never touch Akil in your life again. Perhaps I have been wrong,” Erica said her chin raised high.

“I have no reason to fear him. It was not his fault I was on the verge of death. Well at least not theoretically, ” he smiled warmly. Erica grinned back in response. “Speaking of death,” he said, his voice growing more serious now. “What happened to the eighth horse Erica if you do not mind me asking?” Erica’s head jerked up to look at him. “I only ask this because Cecile told me that it was a female that died giving birth and your father said it was a male that was ill.”

“I suppose now that you are aware of… the truth, I can tell you,” Erica breathed, her hands smoothly cooping Akil’s chin. “His name was Miles. I named him after a character in a book and he seemed to like it,” she smiled at the memory. “He had that dark, chocolate brown color that shined golden in the sun, much like your hair,” Erica looked at Nathanial, smiling coyly.

“Oh,” Nathanial tried to sound serious and somewhat hurt, but a smile gave his true feelings away. “Should I take that as a compliment?” He asked, leaning on the closed swing door of the stall, his hands on his chest. Erica laughed, turning her attention back to Akil. She took a small brush off the wall hanger and started combing her horse.

“That, my dear teacher is a choice of your own,” she said fighting a smile. Nathanial made a small noise in the back of his throat. Discarding his peaceful protests, she continued. “He was my horse for a very long time. We practically grew up together. One day, two years ago, father took him to Clun. It was not like he’d plan on taking Miles. He was in a hurry and I do not think he even saw which horse he had taken. He rode to Clun with him in a great storm. Mother and I waited for him to return, but in the next few days - he never did. My memories are blurry, but I do remember they found father to have fallen into river Clun along with Miles. They were barely breathing and on the verge of death. Mother said I had to save father. I had to save my father…” Erica whispered her voice cracking. Nathanial pushed himself off the door and looked sadly at Erica.

“I obeyed because no matter how much I loved Miles, I always loved my father more. So I healed him. I can only heal one at a time, before collapsing. I could only heal one of them,” she whispered. The tears were close, but she managed to push them away. “That is why I told you horses and storms do not mix. Life is not fair Nathanial. I would love to be a normal girl instead of this creature my mother tells me I am.”

Without hesitation, Nathanial moved towards her, wrapping his lean arms around her and pulling her towards his chest. His action surprised Erica. She dropped the brush, before she slid her hands around his waist, clutching on the back of his coat. Unwillingly, she started sobbing. He shushed her, moving a comforting hand up and down her back. Pressing the side of his cheek atop her head, he held onto her as tightly as he could.

Eventually Erica’s tears dried up and her sobbing silenced. She stirred beneath his arms and he released his hold around her. She looked into his eyes and a flash of sadness visually passed through them. It may have been pity. She couldn’t tell. She turned her head the other way, embarrassment coloring her pale cheeks.

“Hey, hey,” Nathanial said as he put a hand on her chin forcing her to look him in the eyes. Her nose was slightly red and her eyes puffy, but that didn’t make her look any less beautiful to Nathanial. “You are not the one to blame. Thanks to you, your father sees the sunrise of today. You are an angel Erica or a Whitelighter or what ever the Elders may call you. You are a gift to this Earth, to your parents…” he paused. “To me… Do you know why I referred to you as different the first time we met?”

“Probably because of my clumsiness with words,” she replied shyly.

“No. It was because… Erica… when I look into your eyes, I do not see myself as a man. I do not feel the need to pretend because your eyes are not judging. You always look at me as if I was a divine creature when in fact,” he took her hands in his squeezing her fingers lightly. “You are the only creation of God that deserves to be called divine.”

“Nathanial, I-”

“I am not finished.”

“I understand, but if my parents see us, you might be looking at your new bride to be. Well that and an accommodation in Clun in the middle of the night,” Erica smiled trying to tug her hands free to no avail. Nathanial laughed.

“Then let them see us.”

“Are you insane? Do not make such frivolous comments!”

“Erica…” he looked at her, any traces of playfulness wiped clearly off his face. He was serious and from the firm and yet desperate grip on her hands Erica could feel his determination. “I do not know how this happened or when it happened but it just did. I have… started to see you with different eyes and if you will have me I would love to share the rest of my life with you,” he told her. Her mouth hung uselessly in the most unattractive manner, but she couldn’t help herself. “I know that I have no right feeling this I am feeling. You are nobility, both on Earth and Heaven. I know you have yet to make your decision, but I beg of you. If you have an ounce of affection for me in your heart then please… think twice before you answer on the night of your birthday,” he looked at her expectantly. “I am sorry if my words sounded peremptory in any way to you.”

“Oh Nathanial, you fool.” He raised an eyebrow curiously. Erica smiled from ear to ear and hugged him. He was stiff at first, probably from surprise, but then slowly she could feel his arms pressing around her. “Can you not see? Can you not feel what my heart feels? Who else can hold my affections if not you? When I first met you, I thought of you as an educated and handsome man that would never even look at me any differently than a friend would. But now I know what you are. You are just as lost as I am. What do you know,” she pulled away. “We may just be two lost souls that were meant to find each other.”

Nathanial smiled and caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I dare to say it Erica. I love you,” he whispered, narrowing the space between them. After all the warnings he heard from his uncle and after all that had happened, he could only concentrate on her. Her eyes allured him. Her crimson lips looked untouched and oh, how much he wanted to brush them against his own.

“I love you too,” she whispered back, her palm coiling around his wrist as if holding his hand in its place atop her cheek. “But-” she didn’t had the chance to finish her sentence, because she felt a push on her back and heard Akil grunt, before her lips smashed against Nathanial’s. Her body went numb and her eyes were wide opened, but when she saw Nathanial slowly closing his eyelids, she relaxed and slid her hands from his wrist to his neck. His warm lips moved rhythmically against her trembling ones. Her body got bombarded by millions of emotions, making her light headed. She was happy beyond imagine and her body grew even hotter when Nathanial moved one of his hands around her waist, molding her body with his own.

Finally, after what it seemed to be an immensely short and forever long kiss in the same time, their lips parted with a quiet smack. Nathanial rested his forehead against hers, a smile on his lips followed by a small laugh.

“You were right,” he said, his breathing hard.

“About what?” Erica asked, her right hand fingertips running over his eyebrow and temple.

“Akil is a very intelligent horse,” Erica smiled, turning her head to look at Akil who was innocently gnawing hay.

“I know,” she answered before resting her head on his chest. He wrapped his hands around her, pulling her in his embrace. “I love you Nathanial and be it what it would, I cannot keep my love secret anymore. At least not from you,” she confided.

“It is strange Erica, but I feel as if something overpowers me and brings me back to you.”

Erica smiled, although Nathanial couldn’t see it. “Maybe it is part of my powers. Maybe there is a witch in me after all.”

“If this is how being bewitched feels, then I do not mind it at all.”

“What follows now Nathanial?” she feared to ask. Nathanial sighed deeply, before kissing the top of her head. He did not know what came next. All he knew was what he felt now and how she responded. And to him, that was enough. It may have been selfish, he considered that, but that was it for now.

“Now, we love each other in clandestinity,” he answered. A pain of guilt clenched his gut but little did he know that Erica was fine with that. As long as she could love him and hold him close, she was fine with it.

“Nathanial!” A voice reverberated in the stable. The horses grunted loudly at the suddenly raised voice. The pushed each other away simultaneously. “Nathanial dear boy, are you here? Oh…” Lord David stopped in his tracks when he saw both of them in one stall. His eyes bounced back and forth between the two of them. Nathanial gulped and cleared his throat acting as if nothing was the matter, while his insides twisted and turned like hell. Of all people who had to enter on the two of them, did it have to be his uncle? Did it have to be the man that warned him all those many times and the man that had been right?

“Hello uncle,” Nathanial greeted him and inclined his head, while Erica did a small curtsy. Her cheeks grew hot with embarrassment and she felt the need to just run away. But she didn’t. She stood there looking at Lord David, her voice nowhere to be found. Nathanial looked calm and as put together as he could be, but inwardly his mind was screaming.

“Hello…” he paused looking firmly at Nathanial. He cleared his throat and smiled- a smile that was as fake as hot sun in winter. “Erica, your father wishes to speak with you. I believe he remains in his office.”

She nodded and excused herself, feeling a lot more free now that she could indeed run away. But the same thing could not be said for Nathanial. As soon as the girl closed the door behind her, the smile was wiped clean off Lord David’s face. “Nathanial…” he spoke, a deathly ring to his voice.

“It is good to see you uncle.”

“What were you two up to?” He circled Nathanial and gazed at the horse. His steps led him all the way around Akil and in front of Nathanial once again. He stood tall and bold, eyebrow raised expectantly.

“Feeding the horses actually. George let us do it seeing as we both are horse lovers,” Nathanial answered hastily.

“Nothing more?”

“Not a thing.”

“Good. Your mother wrote to me, asking me if I knew why you returned to Clun so fast. Why did you?”

Nathanial was not good at lies. Lying was probably his worst and least developed feature. But he was good at hiding his thoughts and pretending in front of society and those traits did come at handy. “Mother wanted me to get to know one of her friend’s daughters better and I knew what that meant.”

At this Lord David laughed heartedly. “You cad you. Was that why you ran away?”

“Well ran away is not the term I would use, but yes. That was the reason.”

“I am glad that was the reason, because it was the only one. Am I right?”

“Completely.”

“All right then,” he said, his features overtaking a more complex expression. He was serious. “We have to speak about Erica. Now that you know, you mustn’t tell anyone. Her life would be in grave danger if you did.”

Nathanial shook his hands. “I have no intentions of hurting her. I would never do such a thing.”

“I know,” he patted his shoulder. “I know. That is why I am letting you stay here and take care of things.” Nathanial was taken aback for a moment. What had happened to the man that opposed to his stay vehemently? “I have to leave now, but I’ll return for the Winter Ball,” he said and bowed his head. “I have so many things to take care of.”

The only thing Nathanial could do was nod. He was beyond confused, but he felt relieved none the less. After the loud slam indicated that the door to the stables was closed, he managed to release the breath he was holding. He put his hand on Akil’s back and shook his head. “That was awfully close, was it not?” And as if the horse understood, he swung his head up and down. Nathanial only laughed and patted his back.

Erica had already reached her father’s office and knocked lightly. “Come in,” came the muffled reply. She pushed the door slowly and entered. She saw her father with a white quill in his hand and writing a letter.

“You asked to see me father?”

“Sit down,” Thomas said and put the quill down. While she sat, Thomas leaned back in his chair, looking at her carefully. It made Erica squirm and wonder. She knew that he had no idea of what was happening between Nathanial and her, but she still had her doubts. She knew that lies were never her good side. She was terrible at them. “I wanted to speak to you about Nathanial,” he said making her blood freeze. Her eyes darted open and her cheeks flushed. Her stomach suddenly started to rebel and she thought that she would puke at any second.

“Father I am sorry-” she found herself apologizing.

“It was not your fault and neither was it his,” Thomas replied sternly. “Young people are quite curious these days,” he said.

“But we did not-” she tried to defend herself and somehow justify the previous event.

“Plan it? Of course not my dear. You were unconscious, how could you plan it,” It took a second or two to realize that her father was on a whole different page and now she was curious to what he had to say. “Erica, you know that what we did, we did it for your sake. You saw with your own eyes what they do to young women that show any sighs of abnormality. Now I know from a fact that Nathanial cares about you and he would never betray you. Either way,” he avoided her gaze. “I would ask you to spend as less time with him as you can.”

“Why father?”

“I have my reasons. I do it because I love and care about you,” he said, using the same excuse as always. Erica’s hands turned into fists by her sides. She knew better not to say what was on her mind, but the sudden anger mixed with anxiety and determination got the best of her. She stood up.

“Forgive me father, but I have heard that excuse many times now and I would like to know the real reasons behind your demand,” she said, a tinge of regret nibbling at her heart. This was her father she was speaking to and the way he looked at her made her want to apologize right away. But she was angry. God she was furious. She lived her life between these same walls, watching as every single day passed her by. She felt powerless and she submitted herself to their wishes. She knew that they wanted only what was best for her, but that rational thought was on the back of her mind. In front were the questions about her father’s words and the anger that came along with them.

“Erica,” his voice was warning. “Sit back down.”

“I refuse father! Why are you doing this to me? Do you know how much this hurts me?”

“I do!” he shouted and stood up. “And because I know so damn well I want you to be safe! The matters of the heart are far more painful than those any flesh injuries may inflict. Do you think I wish to see you alone and suffering? And that can happen again if we are not to be careful,” he plopped down in his chair, his hands rubbing his aching temples. A headache was coming along and he knew it.

Erica kept silent and sat down as well. There was logic in her father’s words, however she felt like crying. She never argued with her father and this just did not seem right. “What in heavens name is going on here?” Addison’s inquiring voice came from behind Erica. Her brows were pulled together, framing all her worry lines together. “Why in God’s name are you shouting Thomas? I have people here today helping me with the orchestra and the curtains. Good thing that I was the one passing by and not some of them. Now why were you arguing?”

Erica kept silent and Thomas sighed. He looked between the two of them. “Nothing Addison, we were just having a conversation.”

Addison huffed, putting her hands on her waist. “Do you think of me as a fool Thomas? If you raised your voice, which by the way you never do, then there must be a reason. Erica what was it?” However, Erica did not answer. Instead, she ran out of the office like mad without curtsying and with Addison shouting her name over and over again. She stood by the door watching with bewilderment how her only daughter ran down the hallways. Then she closed the door and turned to her husband. “Thomas…”

“Well if you must know I told her to spend less time with Nathanial.”

“Why would you do that? You are the one who brought him up here in the first place and he is the one that she grew attached to. You cannot expect her to accept everything we throw at her without an explanation and less now that she is aware of what she is.”

“I know Addison,” he sighed and bobbed his head back. “But they may have gotten too attached to each other.”

“Nonsense. Cecile is always with them and she has said nothing of the sort and even if that was the case, so what? Nathanial is a wealthy, educated young man that knows the truth and does not judge her. You think someone else can do better than that?”

Thomas blinked couple of times, making sure the words he was hearing were coming from his wife. There was no doubt that this was the case, but for first time in more than 17 years he saw again the optimistic, wild woman he fell in love with. A smile appeared on his lips and he approached her taking her hands in his and planting a kiss on them. Addison took a step back. “Where have you been for the past 17 years?”

“Right here by your side you blind idiot,” she said and he laughed, embracing her in a hug. “Thomas, have you finally gone completely insane?” she narrowed her eyebrows. “Or were you meddling with the liquor cabinet again? I swear if that is the case I will-”

“Oh, no Addison,” he said turning away. “I am quite sober. It is just that… I am worried. Lord David said that Nathanial does not wish to marry and if that is the case Erica could get hurt.”

“Oh Thomas please, every man thinks the same before they find the one they love. As I recall, you were quite a free spirited bachelor yourself,” she said.

He looked at her with a weak smile that vanished the second it appeared. “There is the other side to consider. What if he does fall in love with Erica and she decides to leave? Then he will be the one that is hurt. I made a mistake Addison. I should have listened to you.”

Addison rolled her eyes and walked towards the door. “Nobody is going to end up hurt Thomas and Erica is not going to leave.”

“It is her choice Addison.”

Addison mused on his words a little, getting ensnared in her own thoughts for a moment, before she heard the voices of the workers that were helping with the ball room. She raised her chin and gave her husband one last look. “She will not. Trust me.” She asserted and exited the room, leaving Thomas alone with his doubtful thoughts.

On the other side of the mansion, Nathanial was closing the front door when he heard running footsteps. He walked to the corner of the west wing and a body whammed into his chest. He looked down and saw Erica, her eyes red with tears again and her hands shaking. “Erica, are you all right? What happened?”

She shook her head, gulping whatever was stuck in her throat and hugged him. “Nothing.”

He took a firm grip on her forearms and fought to capture her gaze. “You are crying Erica, tell me. Is it something your father said? Where is he?”

“No, no please. I need you,” she cried. “Please just, just… let us go to the library and forget this ever happened. And you were right. Do not tell anyone about us.”

“What? Why?”

“Trust me,” she wiped her tears away. “Some things are better left unsaid,” With that she hugged him again. He could not understand a thing she was saying, but he returned the hug whispering sweet words in hope to calm her down. He did not know what had happened and he had no need to. She needed him and that was all he had to know.