Her Flux

Those few days that were left to the night of the ball, passed them by swiftly. Addison might have said all those encouraging things she did that day in the office, but she was not as calm as she appeared to be. She had her own doubts and her own fair share of sleepless nights. She kept repeating the answers she would give inquiring comers about, well everything. The only thing that kept her in one piece was the way every single detail went according to her plan. She was already dressed up in a dark red gown with long ruffled sleeves and her hair done impeccably. The people that were paid to serve came by early and helped with all the last minute preparations. The sky slowly darkened and candles were lit one by one. Erica was nervous herself. Cecile was helping her dress, while everyone else was eagerly awaiting arrivals.

And they did not have to wait much. As soon as twilight took over the sky, the sound of horse hoofs and carriage wheels echoed in Clun valley. One by one, family by family made their way inside the mansion, where Addison and Thomas were waiting for them. Meanwhile, Erica kept pacing back and forth in her room. She looked at herself in the mirror for the umpteenth time that night and once again she was greeted by the same reflection of herself wearing a light blue dress with a fancy boat neck that exposed her shoulders and white mitts on her hands. Her hair was pulled and fastened with pins at the back of her head, while silky looking curls fell on her back. For a moment she could not recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at her.

“You look beautiful my child,” Cecile said as she wrapped a wide blue lace around her waist. She made a neat ribbon on her back and puffed Erica’s dress with her hands. “A lot of young men are going to fall on their knees when they see you,” she giggled, “I bet Nathanial will too,” she added, making Erica blush violently.

“Cecile, please do not say such things.”

“Why not? You love each other do you not?” Erica surprised expression met Cecile’s knowing grin in the mirror. She had no answer to Cecile’s words. She just stared back. “Oh wipe that surprised look off your face my child. You do not have to pretend with me.”

Erica turned around. “I know Cecile. I know.”

“Are you happy?” She asked and Erica nodded with a smile. There was a knock on the door and Thomas entered a second after. “I believe it is time my dear,” Cecile kissed her forehead and led her to her father. Erica took his hand and dropped her head avoiding eye contact for she had not yet apologized.

“You look beautiful Erica,” he told her. She blushed, feeling the boiling guilt in her stomach.

“Thank you father.” A pause. “Father, I am so sorry,” she whispered. Thomas chuckled lightly and patted her hand that was coiled around his elbow.

“All is forgotten my dear.”

She only smiled back and focused on walking towards the ball room. This was it. Tonight was the night the world would see her and she would see it back. Her heart was racing and her breaths got shorter and shorter with every step they took. The anticipation and worry were probably splashed across her face, because Thomas squeezed her hand and smiled reassuringly. He pushed the doors open, revealing a sea of colorful dresses and elegant male suits. For once, all the candles were lit and their reflection in the mirrors made the room look bigger than it was. The orchestra was where Addison had decided it to be – in the corner. In just a second all eyes were on her and all the voices waned. Dead silence filled the room. Everyone was staring at her, wide eyed and she could see people whispering and nudging each other. Addison was standing by the door with a woman by her side Erica did not recognize. She had dark brown hair that matched her dark eyes and her pale complexion was far too narrow for her to be considered beautiful. Her mother on the other hand, looked as an angel in her red dress and her face was lit up by a genuine smile as she gazed back at her.

With almost no hesitation, Thomas pulled his daughter into the room and led her towards her mother. They both curtsied to each other and witnessed the sudden enhancement of the conversations that were interrupted when she entered. The woman that was standing next to her mother harrumphed, drawing attention to herself. Erica curtsied again, thinking of how she will have to do it all night over and over again. “Erica, meat Agnes Everingham, the countess of Shrewsbury.”

“It is a delight to make your acquaintance Mrs. Everingham,” Erica said. Agnes looked at Erica, her eyes traveling up and down before smiling.

“Likewise my dear. We have heard so much about you. It is nice to put a picture to the name,” she said as she pulled a man’s arm. “Darling,” The man was not that tall. He wore a big wig that looked ridiculous on him. It almost made her laugh. He bowed his head to her.

“Ah, young Erica I presume. My son has told us all about you.”

“Good things I hope,” Erica replied.

“Why of course my dear. He is a gentleman. And you Addison,” Agnes said. “Where have you been hiding this little gem? She is absolutely gorgeous.”

Addison smiled and opened the fan that was resting in her hands. “Well thank you Agnes you are too kind. I guess the country air does wonders for ones complexion, do you not agree?”

Agnes’s lips were set in a straight line. It was obvious that it was not the answer she was expecting. But she could not ask Addison straight forward. “Country air?” The Earl huffed and took a champagne glass from a passing waiter. “It is hardly the reason. With a mother beautiful as yourself, she could have not turned out ill looking.”

“You are too kind,” she answered again and smiled when she saw the scowl on Agnes face. She wanted to tell her to wipe it from her face because it made her look older than she was. There were so many things Addison felt like telling the hag in front of her, but she was a lady and the host. She knew better.

“Well,” Thomas stepped in, coiling his hand around Addison’s waist. “Some of us were lucky to be blessed with such angels.”

“Yes, some of you were,” William replied absentmindedly as he drank every ounce of his champagne glass.

“Well,” Agnes chipped in. “Why do we not search for our son. He would be so happy to see Erica. She has been all that he has spoken about these few months,” she said looking around the crowd of people. Luckily for Erica, he was nowhere in sight, for she did not want to speak with him. She knew that she had to break the courtship, but she was too shy to do it herself. At some point of the night she would have to do it, but she decided she preferred later than sooner. Right behind them, she caught a glimpse of Nathanial, who looked ravishing in his black suit and white cravat. He was standing next to a woman not much older than her mother with bluish green eyes and she did not need any introductions to know that this was Marie Walker.

“Do we have to?” The Earl whispered. Agnes offered him a smile mixed with a vicious glare.

“Yes, now come,” she hissed. “Ah, excuse us. We shall return.”

“Oh, do not worry. We shall be here all night,” Thomas smiled. Agnes pulled on the Earl’s hand and he followed unwillingly. Their bickering, although silent, was still audible and it made Addison roll her eyes.

“You see now why I do not like the Everinghams Erica?”

“Yes mother,” she answered and her eyes glistered with joy when Nathanial appeared in front of her. His own eyes were filled with a glow of some sort and it was not the candles doing. It was the emotions and the love that he felt for her.

“Good evening,” Marie curtsied and looked at Erica. “Hello Erica. It is a pleasure to meet at last the young lady my son has the pleasure of spending his days with,” she said and this time Erica blushed at the compliment. She really wished to leave a good impression on Nathanial’s mother. She wished by the end of the night Nathanial to be proud of her.

“Thank you Mrs. Balfour. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance as well.”

“We are so happy with your son Mrs. Balfour. He is quite the erudite fellow,” Addison praised.

“Well, I guess all those lessons and expensive teachers paid off,” Marie replied looking at her son proudly.

As the orchestra signalized the start of the first dance, Addison clasped her hands together enthusiastically. “Thomas, are you thinking the same thing as me?”

Thomas arched an eyebrow at her and smirked. “Well for a man it is hard to know what goes through a woman’s mind, but I will make a wild guess. May I have this dance Mrs. Providence?” he said, bowing his head and offering his elbow. Addison laughed and accepted it gladly. “If you excuse us,” He said and they left for the dance floor meeting Lord David and his wife half way, and falling into a conversation with him. Nathanial kissed his mother’s hand.

“Mother if you do not mind, I would like to take lady Providence for a dance,” Nathanial said and received a nod from Marie. “That is if I may,” he added looking at Erica now. She smiled and took his offered elbow.

“You may sir Nathanial,” She felt strange referring to him in such manner. He has always told her to call him by his first name and got irritated when she didn’t. But she guessed that a façade was necessary in front of society. He led her trough the crowd of people who were watching them from behind their fans and glasses. Having eyes traveling up and down her body, made Erica feel sick to her stomach. Her head was starting to spin and she tightened the grip on Nathanial’s arm.

“Calm down Erica. They can do nothing to you,” he whispered. “They are just stunned that is all. You are the main reason to why they are all here. And,” he blushed at this. “You look more beautiful than ever.”

“I love you,” she whispered as low as she could. Nathanial’s eyes flew to hers and his lips parted in a surprised way. He did not expect her to say it in a place filled with people.

“I do to,” he whispered back and before he let her join the women on the other side he added: “Remember how we danced that day when this room was still dusty?” She nodded. “It is the same thing. Just follow my lead.”

She felt uneasy when he pulled his hand out of hers and took his warmth with him. She felt exposed to the piercing eyes once again. When she was walking with him she had not been aware of the boisterous laughter and conversations of the people who were seated on the chairs and sofas next to the walls. She stood across from Nathanial and smiled at him. She took one last look at herself in the mirror behind him before the dance started. The music flowed and they moved, pair per pair, turning around circling each other and coming face to face. She could see how the other girls batted their eyelashes at the young men and how they smiled slyly. When she came face to face with Nathanial he smiled.

“You see how different you are?” he asked her. They drifted apart and came face to face once more.

“What do you mean?”

“You are the only girl whose smile is pure with no back intentions,” he said putting a hand on the small of her back and leading her forwards before letting her go back to her place in the beginning. They stepped forwards and came face to face again. “Every girl here thinks of a way to entrap a man.”

“I already have a man,” came Erica’s reply. Nathanial raised his eyebrows and chuckled.

“That you do,” he said lowering his head. His eyes darkened and he fell in silence. At first she did not notice, but at the end of the dance, when he took her hand to return her to her parents, there was no smile on his face.

“What is the matter?” she asked slowing down a bit. Nathanial smiled, but it was a fake smile people used to conceal their true feeling and thoughts.

“Nothing, do not worry,” Erica stopped suddenly, pulling him to a halt. She gave him a look that said ‘tell me’. Nathanial sighed and looked around himself making sure no one was listening in on their conversation. “It is rather silly.”

“I want to hear it,” she demanded.

“Erica,” he said pulling her towards her mother. “You will always have everything you need in me.”

“I know.”

“Will I?” he asked. Erica gave him an incredulous look. “What I meant to say was, by the end of this year… will I have you with me? What if you change your mind in the last minute? What if you find the unknown more alluring?”

“Never,” she answered hastily. “Leaving you would be as if I leaving my heart behind, for you already have it in your hands. Nothing they may offer me can be greater than this,” she said squeezing his arm reassuringly.

“Erica,” he breathed. “It is a pity I cannot kiss you right now without scandalizing you. There is only one way I can ever do it publically.”

“How?”

“Marry me,” he said not carrying that there were people crawling around them. He knew that he could have thought of a better way to say it, but he had surprised himself by asking. For the first time in his life, he wanted to be tied down. For the first time in life he wished that every time he would return home from work, he could see her smiling face and hear her say that she’d missed him. For the first time in life, he loved and it did not feel half as bad as he had thought it would. This feeling did not imprison him. On the contrary. It set him free.

Erica blinked a couple of times and looked around herself just to make sure she was not imagining anything. She saw the smile that was dragged across Nathanial’s face and he saw the glint of hope in his eyes. In that moment all she wanted to do was throw her hands around his neck and kiss him. Her heart had just melted from her chest and turned into million butterflies in her stomach. She had no need of heaven for this was heaven enough for her. Tears glistered at the edge of her eyes and she nodded.

“Yes, oh yes,” she cried out and slapped a hand over her mouth to prevent any further emotions from leaking out of it. Nathanial chuckled and laced their fingers before returning her to her mother.

The night continued at the same tempo. Many people came by and introduced themselves to Erica and her family. They offered their names and their titles, but she could not remember them all and she felt no need to do so. Once this event was over, she would return to her life with the people that were truly dear to her. She needn’t know the young ladies names for she had a female friend – Vilemina. She needn’t know young men’s titles and receive their flattering comments for she had a man – Nathanial. Yet many young men would ask Erica for a dance and she would accept unwillingly. Propriety did not let her decline, although she wished to return to Nathanial. She felt her heart clenching when she was introduced to Lady Leonor Dupont and it kept pressuring her chest as she clung to Nathanial all night long. She kept bating her ridiculously long eyelashes and flipping her long golden locks over her shoulders. She hid her face when she giggled her French accent behind her white fan, peaking at him with her large blue eyes. But deep inside she knew that he was hers and no matter how hard that London girl tried, she could never steal his affections away.

“She is not as beautiful as she think she is,” A voice sounded from behind Erica. She turned to see her mother, chin high and eyes staring at Leonor. Erica kept silent and only offered a weak smile as a reply. “She is suffocating the poor boy,” she added and she would have continued criticizing her if she hadn’t spot a certain young fellow coming their way. She turned around and faced her daughter. “I believe you know what you have to say.”

Erica exhaled and before she could even give a reply his voice rang inside their ears. “Mrs. Providence. Erica, how long it has been,” he greeted and kissed Addison hand’s first.

“Indeed young William. We haven’t had the pleasure of seeing you around,” Addison said. William’s eyes flew to Erica for a moment before agreeing.

“Yes well, we had an agreement. Erica, may I have this dance?”

Erica looked at her mother for help, but all Addison did was nod. Defeated she looked at her dance card and accepted. He led her towards the center of the room, nodding to people that greeted him. She held her head straight, trying to blend in with the crowd, but no matter how hard she tried she could not. Every time she moved, eyes were on her, memorizing her movements. Young girls her age were looking at her with jealousy because she was holding the arm of the next Earl of Shrewsbury. But that did not matter to Erica as much as seeing Nathanial with that French girl. She walked by William’s side, yet her eyes were glued to him. Finally when their eyes met, there was an enigmatic look on his face and Erica did not stare back long enough to figure out the emotions behind it. Instead she lined up with the girls once more and sighed.

Through the entire dance she avoided William’s eyes and moved as far away from him as she could, though considering that he was her dance partner it was not much. This behavior of hers did not pass unnoticed though.

“I have missed you sorely,” he started. Erica only nodded weakly before looking away. “Do I make you uncomfortable my lady?” He asked her when they were face to face. He took her hand and they both turned clockwise.

“Of course not,” she answered.

“What happened to you that day when we were in Clun?” he asked as he released her. When they met up again Erica spoke hastily.

“Nothing. I found Cecile and we left together. Trapped inside an angry mob is not a place for a young, noble lady to be at.”

“I apologize to you about that. I hadn’t the slightest idea that would occur. I really felt as if we made a connection that day. Remember how happy we were before it all happened? We spoke about passing the rest of our days together.”

Erica cleared her throat. “Regarding that matter, I have to speak with you urgently,” she squeaked out.

“I am all ears.”

“I am afraid that I will have to turn down your offer my lord,” she said and he stopped in the middle of the dance. An older lady with a green dress almost stumbled over his leg and she scowled at him for embarrassing her in such a way. By the time he managed to return to the steps the dance was over. Erica curtsied, but he did not bow. Instead, he pulled on her hand with the intention of leading her out.

“Why? Have I done anything to offend you Erica?”

“No, no,” she replied, trying to pull away from him. People were starting to look their way.

“Then to what do I owe this unrequited affection?” He demanded with a whisper.

“I do not see you the way you wish me to.”

“But time can change that. I shall try harder and-”

“Please, let our ways part in friendship. You would not wish to have a woman by your side that does not love you,” Erica tried again, pulling her hand free to no avail.

“Erica please, you should not-”

“A gentleman should never contradict a lady,” Nathanial’s voice came from behind and Erica’s heart fluttered in both excitement and relief. William had finally loosened the grip on her arm and she managed to snake it away. Nathanial took her hand into his and when William saw that small movement, he looked at both of them malcontentedly.

“We were sharing a private conversation sir Nathanial,” William said taking a step towards her, but Nathanial stepped in.

“People are watching Lord Everingham. I do not mind them talking, but you are a man that is supposed to carry on a great title in the near future. If you wish to argue publicly, stay reminded that it is you who has more to lose,” Nathanial warned and watched as he pulled away.

“I am so disappointed in you Erica-”

“That is lady Providence to you,” Nathanial cut him off and led Erica to the dance floor. They blended in with the rest of the dancers while William was left to watch in anger and frustration. In a minute or two he pushed through the crowd of people and exited the ballroom. Addison looked at his shrinking figure and then at her daughter smiling. She laughed and Thomas gave her a curious look. She took his hand and pointed surreptitiously from behind her fan towards Erica and Nathanial and then at young Everingham who was so far away he was almost invisible. Thomas chuckled.

“I got the feeling that a big déjà vu might be taking place,” Thomas said, remembering the time when he had stepped in the place of the senior William Everingham and had taken his place to dance with Addison.

“Looks like the ladies of the Providence family will always turn the Everinghams down,” she said.

“Like mother like daughter,” Thomas added with a charming smile.

The night was almost over everything was going according to plan. The candles were burning towards their ends and people that lived further away started to departure. Ladies pleaded exhaustions, but nobody left without congratulating Addison on a job well done and giving out their expectations for next year. It was almost the end of the Winter Ball and Erica was sitting with her mother and the countess Blackwood, wife of the second Earl of Bradford, talking about desultory things. The countess was speaking constantly about events that her parents had missed throughout the years and was filling Addison in on all the scandals and gossips.

Eventually Erica got bored and she excused herself and moved between the guests. She walked out of the ballroom felling parched. It was not proper for a lady to pour her own drinks, so she decided to look for Cecile or Vilemina. The hallways were empty and if it wasn’t for the burning candles, darkness would have swallowed the walls, for the stars and the moon were nowhere in sight. She was scared as she walked the hallways and she could almost feel the cold winter air. She tried to shake any ominous thoughts away and kept walking. Suddenly she could hear the sound of footsteps that did not match her own. She could feel her heart pondering against her ribs violently and she cursed herself for leaving the ballroom.

She picked up her skirt along with her pace and she rushed down the hallway. But she could move only so fast, before a hand grabbed her forearm. She screamed, but the sound of it was chocked by a hand on her mouth. She tried to kick and release herself, but his grip on her was strong. Her back was pressed to his chest and he held her firmly, pulling her into an empty room. “I shall not harm you,” a deep, spectral and unfamiliar voice whispered in her ear. “You have to promise not to scream when I release you,” he said and Erica nodded. He did as promised and she ran to the other side of the room, before turning around to face him. The room was dark and she could not see his face at all. But she could feel his presence and it made her press her back further into the wall.

“Who are you?” she planned it to sound as a demand, but her fear gave her away.

“That is not of the essence now Erica,” she heard the floor creak beneath his feet and she could feel him getting closer. Her body started shaking and she just wanted to find the door and run. “Erica,” he said his voice sounding closer and making her jump.

“Please, I beg of you, let me leave…” she pleaded, but came no reply. A bloodcurdling and unnerving silence filled the darkness. Her breathing was heavy and her corset did not aid her much.

“I am not the one you should beg,” came his voice from next to her. She jumped and tried to scream again, but his hand clasped her mouth. “I have no time, listen to me Erica,” he slowly pulled his hand away. “You have ten more days and when the last day comes to pass, you will make a choice.”

“I-I know,” she stuttered.

“Evil walks these walls Erica and do not be surprised when a person close to your heart betrays you,” he said pulling away a little, but she knew he was still there. No matter how hard she tried to discern his features the darkness won every single time and it seemed that this stranger preferred it that way.

“What?” She asked huskily, feeling the weakness in her own voice.

“I haven’t got much time before they come looking for you, so I will cut to the chase. You were given the name Erica instead of your original birth name for a reason. You see,” he said as he pulled away a little more. “The name Erica bears the meaning of alone and eternal ruler. There is a reason to why you were revived. Whitelighters are born on the beginning of every year so the Elders do not waste precious revival energy on measly Whitelighters. But at the beginning of every century a new Elder is born and that is why they brought you back. You are an Elder Erica,” he said walking over to the door. She could hear the hinges creaking and she saw the candle light that fell on the floor forming a shadow. His features were hard to recognize. Half of his face was illuminated and the other half fell in menacing shadows. From what she could see, he was much older than herself. He had light colored eyes and his hair was white and it was not a wig. “And you will face what every ruler, both on heaven or earth, has to face. A conspired betrayal from the ones closest to you. Be wise Erica and accept the offer they will make you that night.”

“Wait! How do you know this? Who will betray me?”

“I am afraid I do not know, for evil knows trickery and it hides his tracks well.”

With that he closed the door behind him leaving her alone. With no hesitation she opened it looking up and down the hallways, but she saw no one. He had vanished in thin air. The hallways were dark as they were before and candles were flickering in the non-existent wind. She felt as if ants crawled on her skin and the only reasonable thing she thought of doing was to go back into the ballroom. She sighed turning back and before she could even compose herself from the previous fright a pair of hands appeared on her shoulders. She screamed and jumped back, tripping on her dress.

“Hey, hey, calm down my love,” Nathanial’s voice reached her ears. She looked at him, her hair falling from its pins. He brushed it away with his fingers.

“Oh Nathanial thank goodness!” she said and lurched forward embracing him in the tightest hug as if fearing that darkness would eat him away too.

“Are you all right? My love what happened?”

“Please, do not let go, please,” she whispered desperately. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close kissing her forehead and asking her what had happened continuously. But fear and tears imprisoned her voice in her throat. All she could do was think of those horrendous words that came from that ghastly voice:

You are an Elder Erica and you will face what every ruler, both on heaven or earth, has to face. A conspired betrayal from the ones closest to you.