Her Flux

There was never much to tell about the Providence family. They always knew the perfect way to hide their darkest secrets and they continued to do so. On the night of the Winter Ball, Ludlow laid its eyes upon Erica and their theories of ill looks, sickness and death were fully crushed. And although that did not prevent gossipers from continuing their search for the truth, their prowl was suddenly canceled. Maybe it was magic, or maybe the lost of interest, but in a year and a half’s time, Erica’s name slowly slipped away from people’s minds. Eventually they found something else to cluck their tongues at and the girl with the hazy history ceased to exist.

But she was not forgotten, for there were those who remembered her each day. Her name and her face was carved in their hearts like writings on a stone and no matter how much time passed, they still cared for her. On the night of her eighteen birthday, two persons lost their lives. One of them was the young, wicked Vilemina as they liked to call her. But they all thought that she had gotten what she deserved. The other one was Cecile. She was old and the hit on her head was too much for her to survive. On that night, four people were left heartbroken. Thomas and Addison lost their daughter and although they knew she was still alive somewhere, it did not fill the gap in their hearts she left behind. After people found out about the mysterious disappearance of Lord David, they pronounced him to be dead and although Nathanial’s aunt Harriet wished to return the castle to the Providence family so she could move back to London, they did not wish to claim it.

George, oblivious to everything that had happened, he too lost a daughter. Deep inside he cursed himself for not speaking to Vilemina instead off shutting himself down and drowning the pain the loss of his wife caused him. Living with the Providence family made his heart ache even more and one spring morning, he packed up his things and left.

But the one that had suffered the most that night was none other than Nathanial. His life without Erica was never the same and in a year and a half, the pain of her departure never decreased. Three months after that night, he realized that she was not coming back. The realization was slow and painful, but he had to leave the Providence Mansion. Everything there reminded him of her. Of her smile, her hair, her scent, her lips. It was a torture he could not submit himself to anymore. So on a rainy day in March, he too packed up his belongings and left the Providence family behind.

When he returned to London, he found out that the job he had been offered all those months ago was still available. Not knowing what to do, he accepted the job and hoped that he could live out the rest of his life peacefully. But peace was not something that came easily or that he accomplished for that matter. His heart still burned with her memory and often, at night, he would stand next to his opened window in his town house in London, watching the heavens as she did once. Sometimes he even whispered her name and he could swear that the stars shone brighter with his voice. But he had been wishing for her return for so long now, this only seamed as a fragment of his imagination. The irony of life: the only time he truly loved and was ready to settle down, destiny ripped his bride to be from his arms and the saddest part of it all was that he could do nothing to prevent it. He was helpless.

It was a warm summer day. The sun shone brightly over the sky and London’s people were happier than ever. Nathanial tried to take in that happiness as he trotted through Hyde Park with Akil. On the day of his departure, he only wished for one thing-Akil. He felt closer to Erica when he was with the horse and he spoke to him in the same manner she used to. As to a friend. Hyde Park was filled with ladies carrying colorful parasols and matching dresses along with neatly dressed up gentlemen. It was a sea of people with unconnected destinies and he could speak to whomever he wished without having to be reminded of Erica. Now that he was not engaged anymore, he was free to make his own choice and he was still an eligible bachelor. But a year and half was not enough to move on. For him forever was not enough. Sometimes he just wished to go out in the middle of the night and jump into river Thames. No one would know what had happened. He just wanted to be done with this madness. He wanted to see her again, but although killing himself was a close enough way, he still had his dear mother to think about. He still had a heart. Well… at least what was left of it.

As he trotted along the way, he saw a white haired man riding a white horse. He seamed to be looking at Nathanial with a grin on his face. But his appearance did not trigger any memory in Nathanial so he decided to pass him by with only a nod. But his intentions were turned down the moment he came too close.

“Beautiful day today, do you agree?” The man with white hair spoke, the age lines on the corner of his eyes deepening as he smiled. His voice had a ghostly edge, it made Nathanial shiver. He took fleet looks around himself making sure he was speaking to him. Seeing as no one else was around, he pulled on Akil’s reins and brought him to a halt.

“Yes…” he answered slowly. “It is quite warm.” The man brought his horse next to Nathanial and they continued walking in the same parallel.

“The heavens look peaceful for once,” the man said after a brief silence. Nathanial looked up, his eyes squinting from the bright sun and managed a weak smile.

“They sure are…” He nodded and tired to move away from the man. For some reason, Nathanial did not trust him.

“Do you know where the weather is nicest in England?”

Nathanial gave him a side glance and humored him for no apparent reason. “No where?”

“Clun.” He answered briefly. The word made Nathanial stop and he wheeled Akil around. He analyzed the man’s features carefully, trying to find some connection with Erica, if there was any that is. The man only grinned warmly and he looked normal enough. But his uncle did too and look how that turned out to be.

“You have been there?” Nathanial asked getting closer.

“No, but you have,” he answered calmly. Nathanial tilted his head to the side and huffed.

“What trickery is this?”

The man turned his horse the other way and continued grinning nonchalantly. “No tricks Nathanial,” his eyes widened.

“How do you know my name sir? Who are you?” he demanded moving Akil forward. The man laughed.

“That is not of the essence now Nathanial. Not now when the sun shines brighter over Clun.”

“Have you gone inside old man?”

“People say that a star fell from the sky and it shines brighter than the sun. A little 'twill matters to one,” he said and he set off suddenly. He rode away and turned around to flash Nathanial a smile and yelled: “A ball of light!”

At the mention of a ball of light, Nathanial galloped right after him following to a part of Hyde Park people did not visit much. The man’s laughter was mixed with the sudden summer wind that smelled as freshly cut grass. He watched as the man rode his horse behind a tree and strangely enough, neither his features, nor the horse emerged from the other side of it. It was as if the tree had swallowed them whole. If it was any other situation, Nathanial would think that he himself was starting to go insane, but his words and that smell… the smell of freshly cut grass and flowers made him remember. He remembered. Erica.

Could it be? A spark of hope lit his heart on fire and he galloped Akil the other way as fast as he could. He ran home and grabbed only his money, leaving behind only a note for his mother. He took Akil and rode off.

To Clun.

His heart was overwhelmed with sudden joy and he was still considering disappointment. But he had nothing better to do, so the only thing he concentrated on was reaching Clun. He had to take a break in Ludlow for a night. He was exhausted. But the hope that was dancing through his body awakened him in the early hours and he continued his journey.

As he passed the bridge of river Clun and the old dirt road he had taken so many times, he could catch a glimpse of the Providence mansion. With every rushed step Akil took, it grew bigger and closer until it stood high and grand in all its glory. He wanted to burst through the front doors and call out her name, but he remembered her parents. What if this was just a lie? What if his hopes were in vain? He could not just jolt in and shout her name. It would cause pain on both her parents.

He tied Akil’s reins around the fence and then he knocked on the doors, but came no reply. It made his stomach crease and clench at the memory of the last time no one answered. Boldly, he pushed the door open and entered. He was greeted from the echo of his own voice and it made him feel disoriented. He walked next to the staircase and rested his hand on the balustrade as he called out both Thomas and Addison’s names. A movement atop the stairs made his heart skip a beat.

“Hello?” A young female voice echoed from upstairs. A young girl with black hair and large black eyes was bending over the balustrade and looking at Nathanial. “Who are you?” she asked.

Nathanial heaved a sigh. It was not her. “My name is Nathanial Balfour. I am looking for Mr. and Mrs. Providence. Are they at home?”

The girl nodded. “They are out the back. In the garden,” Her speaking held almost no formality. Neither did her behavior. From what he could tell so far, she was a simple peasant girl.

“Oh… Well I will join them,” he paused to look at the east wing. Memories, so many memories. In that moment he wanted to ask the girl. But, she was a stranger to him. He could not just say Erica’s name. If Erica was not in the mansion, the girl would not know her. “I would love to see the library once more if you do not have anything against it.”

The girl hesitated for a second and bit her lip. She finally came down the stairs. “I am not sure Sir.”

“Please. I know my way around. Just tell Thomas and Addison that I am here,” he smiled hoping his debonair would work on her.

The girl narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, chewing on the possibilities. In the end she sighed and gave a short and rather late curtsy. “I will inform them of your arrival.” With that she left. Nathanial only smiled to himself and headed towards the library, his feet gaining speed with every step. When he reached the doors he pushed them open and he was greeted from the same old library. Nothing had changed. There was maybe more dust than it used to. In the end, Cecile was not around anymore to clean everything thoroughly and when he found the library empty, he realized that Erica was not here to enjoy it either.

He heaved a sigh and took a seat on the lazy chair, sprawling his tired legs. All that riding now seemed for nothing. What fool he had been to listen to the words of a disappearing old man. All this led him to think that maybe he was the one that was insane. Had he really talked to that white haired man? He rubbed his face with his hands and propped his elbows on his knees. A gust of wind blew the window from behind him open. He stood up reluctantly and went to close it. He stood there for a second, watching the clear, traitorous sky. He could never look at it the same way as before. He could never find beautiful the thing that took the beauty out of his life. He turned around and decided to make his way outside, before that young peasant girl made a fuss out of nothing and alarm Thomas and Addison for no reason. The last thing he wanted was for them to go through a scare.

But when he turned around, he saw it. Lying closed on the striped lazy chair, wrapped in red covers and written with golden letters was the book that made up their first encounter.

The Iliad.

He picked it up slowly and listed its pages, recalling the memory that seamed to burn right through his heart.

“The Iliad. One city destroyed for the sake of one woman. The perfect example of love, sacrifice and the deadly side of beauty isn’t it?” But this was not his memory, nor was it his voice that reminded him. The book dropped from his hands as he turned around swiftly. His eyes captured the sight of her. She was standing at the threshold, smiling innocently, her nutmeg hair falling over her shoulders. Wearing nothing but a simple, white morning dress, she still looked as beautiful as he remembered her. His breath caught up in his throat and he was afraid to blink. He feared that if he closed his eyes now, he may not have the privilege and luck to see her again. “Nathanial,” she said with a grin. “You look rather parched.”

“Erica,” he let out the breath he was holding. “Erica!” He shouted and ran towards her wrapping his arms around her small frame and twirling her around. She felt solid in his arms and her scent had not changed. This time, he was sure that this was not a dream. This was real!

She laughed as he put her down to her feet, one hand tied securely around her waist, the other one resting on her cheek. She let her own hands travel to his face, exploring every feature of it. Leaning his forehead against hers, he exhaled.

“Oh God! Is this a dream? Please tell me this is true,” he whispered, trailing kisses on her forehead, down her brows, nose, cheeks and neck, guiding his lips to hers. He kissed her and she tasted as sweet as he remembered. Not worrying about propriety or any other rule society invented, he kept kissing her as if drinking for his life.

“It is true. I am here. I missed you Nathanial,” she said returning the kisses. After that she buried her face in his neck, letting him press the side of his face atop her head.

“As have I! I thought I was going mad, Erica!” he pulled away a little, the sudden happiness washing off his features. “For how long is this?”

Erica laughed and pulled him back into another hug. “Forever.”

He let out a sigh of relief, but his curiosity was still pressuring him. He had so many questions for her. “How did you come back? What happened? What was up there?”

Erica pulled away enough so she could give him a light peck on the lips. “I cannot tell you anything my love. It is not because I have no faith in you. Trust me… Watching you was the only thing that kept me sane.”

“You were watching me?”

She blushed and Nathanial smiled upon seeing his old Erica. “It is not as you imagine. It is different. I literally cannot tell you. They forbid me.”

“But how did they let you go? Why?”

“I guess that I was the only Whitelighter who could not heal anymore. I had a broken heart and it prevented me from helping others. Meredith, the Whitelighter that revived me, saw my state and she set me free. She told me that life in the heavens last for eternity. She said: a mortal life filled with happiness is far better than eternity of sadness. And you are my happiness. So what if it lasts one lifetime?”

Nathanial pulled her towards him kissing her again. He just wanted her and nothing else mattered. “So you still wish to marry me?”

“I just declined immortality for you Nathanial. I will throttle you if I do not get to be Mrs. Nathanial Balfour.”

He laughed heartily and slid his hands around her waist, twirling her around. She clutched onto his shoulders as many times before and smiled down upon him.

“Oi! What is this? You are not planning to elope are you?” Thomas said as he stepped inside the library. He was trying to maintain his “I-am-serious” look, but a smile gave him away. He hugged Nathanial and Addison appeared at the door. She was a vision in a dark pink dress, her hair assembled in a high bun and her eyes shining with both joy and for the first time in years – freedom.

Usually she would curtsy and wait for Nathanial to kiss her hand, but instead she gave him a warm motherly hug. “I am so glad you are here. How did you know? Thomas was about to departure and look for you.”

Nathanial put a hand around Erica’s waist as she leaned her head on his shoulder. “Some old man in Hyde Park told me things I could not put together at first. But then something happened and here I am. I am just so happy.” It was true. He was so happy, he didn’t think twice of the man’s identity.

“Well so are we. Deidre! Deidre,” Thomas called and the black haired girl appeared at the door. “Bring us some refreshments! We have to celebrate this! Oh and what did you come with? A carriage? Is it outside?”

“No,” he smiled. “I rode here with Akil,” he said watching as Erica’s eyes widened in astonishment, before she threw her hands around his neck.

“Well then, Deidre, tell Arthur to lead Akil to the stables. I bet he has missed the place,” Addison said and she walked over to her husband, taking his hand in hers. “Come along darling. We should give them some privacy. We will be waiting in the sitting room. As usually.”

After they left the room Nathanial grabbed Erica’s waist once more and he twirled her around as if she was a feather. He let her fall into his arms before kissing her again, like he did for the rest of his life.

Yes, there was never much to tell about the Providence family. Their story was a tangle of misty secrets no one knew how to break through. But the story about the Balfour family was completely different.

Now that is a story worth telling.