Her Flux

“No?!” Addison asked, slowly feeling her heart returning to its place in her chest. Thomas shook his head again. “But, but… all that blood-”

“He seams to have a severe head injury. We have to call a doctor. George, help me carry him back inside. Addison, get out of the way,” Thomas ordered taking a hold of Nathanial’s upper body while George grabbed his legs.

“But Vilemina said he was dead,” Addison whispered.

“She was probably very scared. Vilemina is easily scared in cases like these,” George explained as he helped in carrying Nathanial back to the mansion. After they managed to carry him back to his room and change his wet clothing, Thomas tended to his wound as much as he could while George hurried to Clun to find a doctor. Pacing back and forth, Addison and Thomas listened to Vilemina’s explanation.

“I swear I thought he was dead,” she sobbed, clutching onto Cecile’s arms. “One minute we were talking and the next minute thunder stroke and the horse got scared. Nathanial tried to calm him down, but…” she wiped her tears. “But he could not. I too got scared when the animal started standing up on its two legs and resisted Nathanial’s attempts to calm him down. I covered my head and when I reopened my eyes, I saw him lying on the ground… lifeless. I tired to help him up and when I raised his head I saw all the blood on my hands. I called his name and he did not answer. I listened and he was not breathing,” she explained. Erica listened from where she stood - next to the opened door of Vilemina’s room.

“Calm down Vilemina. He is alive…for now,” Thomas whispered. “Addison and I are going to stay with him while the doctor comes. Cecile, make the girls some tea. They went through quite a fright,” Cecile nodded, before Thomas turned to Addison. “Come on darling.”

“Father…” Erica moved towards Thomas, the skin of her face covered with dried up tears. “May I… May I see him?”

Thomas grinned warmly, patting the top of her head, just like he did when she was a little girl. “It is best if you stay here. George is going to come back with help any moment now. After the doctor leaves, you can see him.” Erica only nodded.

“This is a disaster Thomas,” Addison said once they were walking alone in the half-dark hallway.

“Pardon?”

“An utter and complete disaster! I do not want to even imagine what people would say if this word got out. What if…” she looked at Thomas with widened eyes. “What if he did die? Then what? What are we going to tell Lord David? ‘We are sorry your nephew died on our watch’? And why did this have to happen now when you told half of Ludlow that we are planning on hosting the Winter Ball?” She shook her head violently.

“Addison, pull yourself together woman! He is not dead,” Thomas reminded her.

“But he could be,” she answered quickly. Thomas only glanced at her as he continued walking towards the grand staircase, hoping inwardly that George was already on his way back. “What then Thomas? Do you know what people would say? Well do you? I sure can imagine the scandalous gossips that will spread through Ludlow again. They could even say we murdered him because he found out about our secret,” she said stopping at the top of the staircase, while Thomas continued down the stairs. “Thomas!” she yelled to him angrily. He turned to face her lazily, his hand on the balustrade. “Why are you not concerned about this?”

“Be it what it would Addison, we shall concern ourselves when and if that moment comes. Now shake those cogitations off your head and keep quiet. I hear a carriage outside.”

The door opened revealing a panting and wet George. Behind him an old man with a black umbrella made his way inside. Thomas hurried down the stairs and shook hands with the doctor, helping him take his raincoat off. Without another word they all made their way to the east wing. In the middle of the now dimply light room, Nathanial lay. His eyes were closed, his head wrapped in blood stained bandages Thomas did earlier. The old doctor carefully started to undo the bandages so he could have a closer look at the wound on the side of his head. Addison moved quickly as she lit all the candles in the room.

After what it seemed to be an hour, the doctor finished his work. He washed his hands in a small basin of hot water and pulled his instruments back into his black bag, motioning for everybody to follow him outside. Once they were all settled in the sitting room and the doctor was offered a hot cup of tea to warm up, he sighed grabbing Addison and Thomas’s attention.

“I am afraid the injury is quite serious. He is lucky to be alive. Mostly, blows like this mean instant death,” he elaborated his brows furrowing together. “You said it was a horse accident?”

“Yes, sadly the creature got scared from the thunder and Nathanial did not get out of the way in time,” Thomas answered.

The doctor raised his white eyebrows pursing his lips up. “Hmm…That is strange…”

“How could it be strange?” Addison asked sharing a look with her husband.

“Well I understand the wound of the side, but it does not explain the hit on the back of his head,” he answered taking a sip of the tea.

“Well it could have been from the impact when he fell down, could it?”

“That is reasonable. But sadly, I cannot assure you he is going to make it through the night. Even if he does pull through, there is a great possibility of cerebral damage. I am afraid I have used up all my medical resources. I am sorry,” the doctor said, before he stood up. “Well, I have to return back to Clun, but if you need anything do not doubt in calling me.”

“Will do doctor.”

After they saw him off Addison and Thomas continued their conversation in the sitting room, not aware of the faint shadow that Erica’s hiding figure cast on the floor. She knew that it was bad to eavesdrop, but she could not control herself. As soon as the door to Nathanial’s room opened and Cecile was the only one left inside with him, she followed her parents and the doctor back to the sitting room. She knew this was a sordid method for gathering information about Nathanial, but frankly she did not care. She just wanted to know. She just wanted to help and the silence that formed between her parents after the doctor had left was not helping her at all.

“Should we write to Lord David?” Addison asked Thomas who stood in front of the window, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“You were right,” he whispered. “Now I am concerned. This was not supposed to turn out this way. I was supposed to find a way to make our daughter happy and protect her from more suffering. You were right when you said that this was a bad idea. You told me from the beginning and I did not listen to you. I have always been a bad father haven’t I?”

“Oh Thomas,” Addison cooed as she stood behind him. She wrapped her hands around his torso, before turning him to face her. “You are a wonderful father and this is not your fault. I know by now that destiny will never be on our side. We shall pull through this together. Now the best thing to do is write Lord David a letter. Will you or should I?”

“I shall write to him,” Thomas kissed Addison’s forehead and left the room in search of parchment, ink and quill pen. He passed the hallway not noticing his daughter. Without wasting another minute Erica too left the hallway, tears in her eyes, and headed to her room.

Silence was all he could hear for some time now. There had been voices before, but now only silence filled the room. Was it even a room? He tried to open his eyes, but there was some sort of a weight on them. He fought with that weight, before his eyelids finally managed to blink open. But he did not like what he saw. Four gray walls. Four empty gray walls. Four empty gray walls that did not find a place in his earlier memory. ‘Where am I?’ he thought. ‘Am I dreaming?’ He thought again. He tried to get up from the white bed he was on, but his body felt heavier than before.

Fatigue. That was what he felt. Fatigue of an unknown reason. He had to fight with his body so he could stand up from that bed. His legs were shaking and his body was aching, but he stood up. He stood up and looked around himself. Every single wall was the same as the previous one; gray, lifeless, door less, windowless. He was confused and lonely. ‘Where am I?’ The same question echoed inside his head. ‘My head’ he thought as he put his hands on the both sides of it. ‘It hurts’. The pain increased with every single thought that appeared in his head and with every single breath he took. He could feel his blood passing through its vessels and he could hear the loud beating of his heart; a beating that slowed down each time.

A crack. He heard a loud crack and saw it forming on the gray wall in front of him. It was small at first. But then it grew, it multiplied and it moved upon the next wall and the next one and the next one. He could feel the ground beneath his feet shaking and he could see the walls crumbling down leaving him to stand in darkness. The pain was still there. His heartbeat grew weaker. His breaths got shorter and he felt darkness consuming him.

‘Is this death?’ he said but he could not hear his voice. He shouted names that were carved in his memory, but no one responded. Instead the darkness consumed him again. He was alone and he was fading away. He wanted to struggle, but he had no strength left in his body. He wanted to live, but he felt as if death was easier. So he stopped struggling. He let out one last breath before deciding to close his eyes.

He wanted to close his eyes, but he thought he saw something; a small glowing dot. It could have been a phantasm or it could have been real, he could not tell. He had been in the darkness for far too long. But it grew. It grew into a small ball of light and it came closer, making him squint his eyes. It moved towards him, cutting the darkness in half and evolving from a ball into something else. Slowly he could make out the shape. It was a silhouette. It was a human silhouette that looked incandescent. The silhouette reached out to him, putting two glowing hands on his head. He thought he would get burned, but instead he felt a warm, body temperature touch.

His breath slowly returned to him. The pain in his chest reduced and his heartbeat increased. He could once again hear it loudly pulsating in his head. His head… His head did not hurt anymore. ‘Who are you? Tell me...’ He asked with a pleading voice. The silhouette smiled. He could not see its face but he could feel the smile. Suddenly it pulled away, backing into the darkness it had came from, transforming back into a ball and into a small insignificant dot. And just like that it was gone.

Nathanial could not hear anything else around him, except for his own breathing. His eyes were closed and he opened them slowly, blinking few times. The room was dark, but not completely. He could see the flickering lights of the candelabras on the walls and he could feel the warmth and hear the noise from the fire in the fireplace three meters away from his bed. He sat straight, feeling a small pain in his head. So small it disappeared the second he put his hands on the sides of it and when he did, he felt a fabric wrapped around it.

Cautiously, he undid what they seemed to be bandages around his head. He took them off with ease and was surprised to find them colored in blood. His fingertips traced the side and the back of his head, finding only his hair. He stood up, realizing that he had only a clean white shirt to cover his body and the breeches that he hadn't put on in the morning. A morning that seemed to be ages away. He took a candle that was resting on his bedside table and moved to the mirror on his wall, next to the door. He brought the light to his face, close enough to examine it. All he saw was dried up blood behind his ear and no source to it.

It was then when some memories returned to him. He could see the horse and he could hear the thunder, but then nothing… Nothing… He still vividly remembered him falling in darkness and a pain enveloping his body and head. He could still remember a small light that grew and turned into a human. Had it been a man or a woman? Had it been real or just an illusion? Could it have been only a dream?

Not thinking of his appearance, he opened the door and made his way out of the east wing and into the sitting room. He did not find anyone there. Confused, he moved on to where Thomas spent most of his time when he was not traveling – his office. His steps grew quicker when he saw a line of light on the bottom of the closed door. A light that was not nearly as strong as the one he saw or dreamed off earlier.

He reached for the handle, opening the door slowly. His eyes noticed the aging figure of Thomas, dipping a quill pen in a hand blown glass ink bottle. He was concentrated on writing something and did not notice him come in. Or so Nathanial thought.

“Addison I will be up in a moment. I still have to finish-” it was only then when he looked up and realized who was standing in front of him. Dropping his quill pen, he saw Nathanial holding a candle in his right hand that illuminated his pale face. His half-wavy brown hair was falling onto his shoulders and his bandages were off. “What in the name off…” Thomas trailed off looking awestruck. But then he pulled himself together and ran to Nathanial's side asking him million of questions while helping him sit down. But the only answer to the numerous questions Nathanial had was:

“I do not know.”