Her Flux

The sound of hot tea being poured into small porcelain cups, wood cracking in the fireplace and the quiet patter of rain were all that could be heard in the candle lit office. Silence had fallen between the four souls sitting across from each other. No one was brave enough to dare and start a conversation after all the questions that took place among them. After Nathanial stumbled into his office, Thomas awakened Addison. She was now sitting on a chair, her hair assembled in a white, night hat, a blanket thrown over her night gown. She was staring out of the window and although she seemed to be absentminded, she was carefully listening to everything that was happening around her, thinking of a lot of things that she wished to remain nameless.

A small ‘thank you Cecile’ was muttered from Nathanial as he took the tea she had poured for him. Cecile smiled and put the tea pot on the small table next to him, before standing next to Addison as the ladies’ maid she was. Addison looked at Thomas and even in the dim light she could see just how pale he was. He was sitting across from Nathanial and he was watching him while having an inner battle with himself.

“How long was I unconscious?” After hearing the question, Thomas’s eyes met Nathanial’s.

“For about eight hours or more.”

“Mhm…” Nathanial sighed looking out the window as well. It was still raining, but the darkness of the night prevented him from seeing the rain drops. He could not understand a lot of things at the moment, mostly because he had been hit by a horse’s hoof on the head and he felt fine. It was strange and although joy was the last thing that was visible on his face, he was happy for being all right. But there was something bugging him, making him completely forget about drinking the tea in his hands. Something he felt he needed to share. “I had this… dream,” he told them.

“Yes?” Thomas encouraged him to continue.

“I dreamt I had wakened up in a dark room that had no windows or doors. Its walls crumbled down leaving me to stay in darkness. I felt a pain in my body that seamed surreal. It felt as if I was falling into nothing as if I wanted to live, but dying seemed easier, less painful. It is as if it was not a dream. It felt too real. And then,” he chuckled with a faint smile. “I may sound mad, but…” his face overtook a serious expression. “I think I saw an angel. It was very strange. I could not see its face and I asked its name, but I received no answer except a wonderful smile. And it went away just as it came. As a ball of-”

“Light,” As soon as Thomas had said what he did, he regretted it because now everyone was looking at him curiously as to why he knew what he did.

“Yes… Yes! How do you know this?” Nathanial asked him. Thomas shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tried to loosen up his white linen cravat that seemed to be suffocating him. Unlike Addison and Cecile, he was still dressed in the same outfit from earlier and he remained like that after seeing Nathanial standing on his own two feet.

“Well… I too have fallen from a horse few years back and I… I had the same dream.”

Nathanial looked at him confusedly. “That makes no sense. Why would we have the same dream?” He questioned.

“I have no idea why,” Thomas said. “It may be because I too hit my head as you or something. Or it may be a coincidence. God knows what is out there or why strange things happen all the time. Because they do… happen.”

Addison cleared her throat, drawing attention to herself. “Well,” she smiled politely. “I do believe that we should go to bed. It is late and I am sure we will think more clearly in the morning light,” she stood up. “I am so glad you are all right Nathanial. You had us all worried.”

Nathanial grinned warmly and stood up bowing his head a little. “I apologize for that. I should have been more careful. Erica warned me about horses and storms before it all happened,” he looked around. “Is Vilemina all right? I did not see her.”

“Yes she is probably fast asleep by now. She was very frightened though.”

“I see.”

“Well off I go,” Addison turned to Thomas. “Are you coming?” Thomas nodded before saying a brief ‘goodnight’ and following his wife. Cecile stayed behind, waiting to accompany Nathanial to his room. But he seemed to be glued to his seat, because he did not move as he kept looking out of the window, probably forgetting she was even there.

“Sir Nathanial,” Cecile whispered as she approached him. He looked at her hazily, his eyes confused. “Isn’t it best if you rested?” He shook his head.

“I do not feel tired. I think I will stay here a little. You can return to sleep though, Cecile. I apologize we had to wake you up.”

“It is all right. But, I cannot leave you here alone after what happened to you,” she argued.

“Do not worry about me Cecile. I have had my decent share of horse-accident injuries.”

“Not like this one,” she whispered to herself. Nathanial looked at her through squinted eyes and smiled at the old woman, gesturing a hand towards the seat across from him she took with almost no hesitation.

“Cecile… You have been working a long time for this family, haven’t you?” Cecile only nodded. “I wanted to know and I felt no right asking Mr. and Mrs. Providence, but... Why has Erica never appeared in public before? I have heard a lot of gossips and I am glad to find them untrue. At least half of them.”

Cecile narrowed her eyebrows. “Half of them?”

“It is not my place to meddle Cecile, but people talk strange things and I have noticed strange things taking place here. I just cannot put two and two together somehow,” He said propping his elbows on his knees and lacing his fingers methodically in front of him. Cecile inhaled deeply. Looking into his eyes she could see something there, shining brightly as a gem in the sun. She could feel the changes that were about to ensue because she had seen this before. She knew a lot and although she looked and acted as a simple maid, to the Providence family she was far more than that. She was their friend, their secret holder and their helper. But most importantly she was a part of this family that now this young man considered strange.

“People refer as ‘strange’ to things they do not understand. Do not let obloquy cloud your mind, thus gossipers are people with no lives. If you enjoy working here I suggest keeping these thoughts locked inside your mind,” She stood up before he had a chance to ask another question. “If you excuse me, I will like to sleep now. If you need anything, do not doubt to knock on my door.”

Nathanial nodded, looking at her suspiciously. “There is something strange here Cecile and you cannot deny it. But I shall do as you say, for it is the best thing in the moment. But… I will find out eventually. Secrets are made to be discovered,” he told her turning his head towards the window, looking at the darkness that had swallowed the landscape.

Cecile only smiled to herself before she left him sitting there alone, wrapped inside his thoughts that seemed to have no end. It wasn’t as if he had no secrets, but his were never this mysterious… Maybe he did not like to hear this, but he was a stubborn guy that liked knowing all and the will to do so often caused him troubles. His mother, Marie Walker Balfour, often told him that his mulishness may lead him down a perilous road. She used to tell him that while he was growing up and she told him that when he stubbornly wanted to go to Ludlow and visit his uncle. She wrote that to him when he wrote her about his rash decision of working for the Providence family. Strangely, she did not know how right she had been and neither did he.

The thing that was even stranger was the absence of Erica’s presence next morning. Nathanial waited for her in the sitting room, but she never came. She was also absent through breakfast, but he figured out that Addison had left her to sleep in. But when midday came and she still had not come downstairs, he became to wonder and although he had promised Cecile in a way that he would not ask such questions, he just had to know.

He walked into the kitchen and spotted Vilemina carrying a laundry basket, but he did not see Cecile (not that he could miss her corpulent form). He could not see Vilemina’s face, which hid behind the sides of her hat, but he could see her struggling with that heavy basket. He hurried to her side, capturing the basket before it feel to the ground.

“Oomph,” Vilemina murmured before realizing the weight was off her hands. Upon seeing Nathanial, her cheeks turned a deep red and she lowered her head to hide her embarrassment. “Thank you.”

Nathanial hoisted the basket higher in his hands and smiled. “You are welcome. Where do you need this?”

“Oh…” she replied shyly. “Outside, but I can-”

“Outside it is,” he said before turning around and making his way outside to the garden. The day was bright, but the air was still humid. Nathanial walked over to the laundry lines and put the basket on the wet grass.

“Thank you Sir,” Vilemina smiled and started hanging up the freshly washed clothes. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Yes, I wanted to know if you were all right taking in mind yesterday,” He said looking at her hanging the clothes. He could notice the wrinkles on her fingers and the thin dried up skin on her hands reflecting years of work. But overall Vilemina was a very beautiful young girl. Although it was rare to see a strand of her hair or her face fully exposed, still she was very charming, if a man stopped to look at her that is.

“Yes,” She answered briefly.

“I am glad. I was worried about you,” he said offering a smile. Vilemina blushed again, her heart fluttering and her hands shaking.

“That is… very kind of you Sir.”

“If you do not mind me asking, what exactly happened last night Vilemina?” Her green eyes widened as she looked at him.

“You mean, they did not tell you?”

“They did, but I cannot-”

“Remember?” She asked as she threw a white male shirt over the lines. Nathanial nodded. “There is not much to say. I will tell you the same thing I told them. There was thunder, the horse got scared and it started rebelling against your attempts to calm him down. It all ended, as you know, with it hitting you and knocking you down on the ground.”

“Strangely I have no memory of that and I have no pain,” he told her looking into her eyes for answers. Vilemina contained a shameful shrug and just shook her head nervously.

“Ma-maybe the hit was not that strong… I do not know.”

“Yeah that is what I said.”

Vilemina looked at him puzzlingly. “You said the same thing?”

“Yes, I said ‘I do not know’ to everybody because that is the truth. I do not remember.”

Vilemina stopped. “Oh…”

“Is there any chance of you knowing where Erica might be?” He asked as she grabbed the last piece of clothing from the laundry basket and threw it over the line again.

Vilemina frowned. “They did not tell you that either?”

“I am afraid she will not join you today,” A voice caused them both to turn around. Addison stood a few meters away, her hands folded in front of her atop the large skirt of her light pink dress. Brown curls adorned her hair and complimented the large casual smile on her face. She silenced Vilemina with only a look, who felt powerless against that commanding blue shade that filled Addison’s irises. “She is feeling ill and it is best if she remained in bed.”

“Is she going to be all right?” Nathanial asked, felling a tightening in his chest. Addison brandished a hand causally.

“Oh, do not worry about her. She has a weak immune system and she probably was under a lot of stress for what happened to you. She is a very sensitive and special girl.”

“May I see her?” Nathanial asked moving towards Addison and stopping right in front of her, his height a head above hers. She tilted her head to the side, her eyes widening in shock.

“Young men are not supposed to enter the rooms of unmarried girls,” she noted cockily, her eyes daring him to argue with her. It was a battle he knew he was destined to lose. He flushed at the thought of entering Erica’s room, but he felt something inside his chest that he had never felt before. Some sort of will that pushed him forwards.

“I am well aware of that, but you shall be there. I feel awful for being the reason for her illness.”

“Well you can be at ease with your consciousness Nathanial. Once she is healthy again you can see her. I give you my word,” she smiled causally yet again, the muscles of her face relaxing completely. She took a hold of her dress with one hand and walked over to Vilemina putting her free hand on the small of her back as she pushed her inside. “Tomorrow maybe,” she told him before heading inside, Vilemina following behind her with the empty basket in her hands. Nathanial stood his ground, watching them disappear inside. Soon he found himself staring at a closed door, watching as the weak wind touched everything around him.

But Addison did not keep her promise. Days passed and there was still no sigh of Erica. He could see Cecile, Vilemina and Addison making their way in and out of the west wing, but he never saw her. He grew impatient, but after his little encounter with Addison he felt powerless. Occasionally, he would dip her name in his conversations with Thomas, but he never got the answer he expected.

After another vain effort to find out, Nathanial went to the library, plopping down on the lazy chair. He was clearly frustrated, but that did not keep him from enjoying the library. There was something special about the place. Sun always seemed to touch the walls making it feel safe and cozy. He liked looking out of the window, just like he did now. The worst part about Erica being gone these days was the great weather outside, which had been perfect for horseback riding. Yes, he hadn’t given up on the idea of teaching her. One blow would not make him love horses less.

“I told you horses and storms do not mix,” Nathanial’s head snapped towards the door, capturing the sight of Erica’s thin frame. She was wearing a light ivory dress with elbow length double sleeves and a boat neck. His surprised expression slowly melted into the sincerest smile Erica had ever seen. He jumped off the lazy chair and found himself standing in front of her, her chin rising so she could look into his eyes that shined with the sun.

“Erica…” he whispered. Before he could even ask her anything, she launched herself forwards wrapping her arms around his torso. She could feel him stiffen for a second before he relaxed and hugged her back. Although she wanted to hold on, she had to pull away. And she did. She pulled away dropping her head and using her hair as a curtain to hide her blush.

“I apologize. I was out of place. It was a moment of…”

Nathanial smiled and put a finger under her chin, lifting her face so he could look into her eyes. “You do not need to apologize to me. Ever.”

“I know, you already said that, but… I am glad you are feeling well.”

“Yes I am, but how are you feeling? You were in bed for four days now and your mother told me you were very ill.”

She smiled. “I am well thank you. It was a minor inconvenience,” he rolled his eyes at her simple answer and pulled her to sit with him on the chair.

“I swear sometimes you behave as an adult.”

“Well I haven’t been around children a lot…” she whispered.

“I noticed that, but we are not strangers. We are friends Erica,” he said and grabbed her hand atop her skirt. She looked at their hands feeling the warmth of his skin upon her own, her heart pondering like crazy in her chest. Giving it a small squeeze, Nathanial smiled. “Why were you so ill?” she gave no answer, just kept looking down. “Was I the reason? Was that it?”

She shook her head smiling at him. “No, no, of course not. I am like this. I get sick easily and that is why I do not leave the house often.”

“But you will have to,” he told her a roguish smile growing on his lips.

“I will?”

“Yes, we still have to teach you how to ride a horse do we not? Today is a beautiful day and hopefully tomorrow will be also. I say we should stop dawdling time and start on our lessons. Today you can watch me do it and tomorrow you can try it out for yourself.”

Erica narrowed her eyes feeling disquieted all of the sudden. “How can you even think to get on a horse again? Are you not afraid?”

“Of course not!” he replied proudly. “What happened few days ago was just a mundane accident. I have no pain and I have no fear. Your father hired me to teach you horseback riding and that is what I am going to do.”

“Even father would say no after what happened and no,” Erica stood up, anger boiling in her veins. “He did not hire you only to teach me. He hired you so you could keep me company and be my friend and I like my friends to remain alive and unharmed.”

To Nathanial her behavior seemed irrational, but to Erica it was a way of letting go everything she had bottled inside. He too stood up and reached a hand towards her, but she turned away from him. She could feel him staring at her back and she knew he was confused. But she had to follow rules and by being alone with him she was breaking a rule. Sighing, Nathanial gently touched her forearm, spinning her to face him. She still wouldn’t look at him and this time he spoke without raising her chin.

“I am flattered that you concerned yourself about me. I really am and I promise you this: I shall remain by your side until the day you wish me to be gone,” Erica looked at him ready to protest. “Or…” he silenced her. “At least until the day you are to be wed.”

“Wed?”

“Yes. I am quite sure that after the Winter Ball takes place, a lot of young gentlemen will seek your hand in marriage.”

“I do not believe they will be interested in me,” she whispered shyly. Nathanial chuckled.

“Believe me, once they see you they will all want to have you. You are a member of the Providence family and you are beautiful.”

Erica looked at him blushing. “You consider me beautiful Sir Nathanial?”

Nathanial froze, looking at her dumb folded. “Do I offend you in any way by telling you that?”

“No… It is just that no one has ever called me beautiful before you.”

Nathanial relaxed reaching out his elbow for her to take. She slid her hand around his arm and looked away embarrassed. “After the Winter Ball that will change,” he told her. They walked out of the warm library towards the sitting room not really caring if they were seen together and alone.

“A lot shall change after the Winter Ball,” Erica said. Nathanial looked at her briefly and he continued walking not understanding the riddle behind her words.