Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

I laid my head back against the softest pillow I had ever felt in my entire life. Warmth spread across my skin, covering the chills that had invaded my body.

"Thanks Mom, you can go to sleep again." I watched as my Son folded and creased the piece of paper I had just signed. My Daughter sat on the chair with my 19 year old Granddaughter standing next to her. My eyes wandered my Daughter's middles aged body, her eyes were upon the piece of paper that was gripped in my older Sons' hands.

I slightly lifted up my head, "The joys of life aren't within that will, William." I looked over to my Daughter, telling her the same thing with my eyes. I looked away and looked down at my hands. The white light from the room hit them, making them seem more wrinkled and frayed.

"We know Mom," he said.

"Life is full of surprises, money doesn't buy that," they both said in unison, not caring for the knowledge I passed onto them.

"You kids think I'm too old to know anything." My breath began to quicken with each word I spoke. But, I couldn't care less. The bed I had found home in was the softest, the warmest and where I wanted to be for so long, and that was what I cared about. "I've lived my life," I began, "But you don't seem to-" My breath was being cut short and soon I was almost gasping for air.

"-Mom, don't talk to much-" My Daughter got up and came over to me. She lifted my back up so I could catch my breath.

"-Understand that I have been through the wonders of life, it's my job to teach you what I've learned." I finished as I laid back down.

"Please, try not to lose too much breath," she said as she looked down at me.

"Yes Mom, try not to move about too much," my Son added.

"Okay, okay. Now leave me be, please." I begged, having enough of their inheritance.

"Okay Mom, come on Julia. We'll come back later Mom," he said, asking for his Sister to come along.

"Come on Katie, we'll leave Grandma to rest now."

I watched as three of them left my room. The big white door with engraved vines and a gold handle closed. I couldn't help but go back to those doors, the doors that would seem as though they were made of ice, smooth and perfected. Running passed each and every door, running as fast as we could, the smiles and laughter...I couldn't help but love to remember.

The big white door slowly crept open and a child like face shone from behind it.

"Come in." I smiled. She stepped in just like a small child, her skin growing red. "Come, sit here." I instructed her, patting my hand beside my hip upon the bed. Step by step she slowly came closer, sitting slowly she looked at me with a sadness in her eyes. "Well, what's wrong?" I asked as I placed my hand upon the youth of her own. She looked away and to the floor, "You have to stay confident, you know that? A young man will come your way and you must stay strong and confident," I said, giggling slightly.

"Grandma Anne?"

"Yes?" She looked at me, her eyes growing red.

"You know I do love you, right? I mean, ever since I could speak you've always been the one to understand me...Other girls say that their Moms are the ones that they can talk to, but my Mom isn't, it's always been you." I watched as a tear fell onto her glowing cheek. I gripped her hand a bit tighter.

"I love you too," I said, keeping the gentle smile. "But don't be sad, the toughest things in life are obviously hard, but never give up." Her eyes wander over to me, another tear fell from behind her soft curly dark brown hair. I lifted my hand and put her hair behind her ear and wiped away the tear.

"I'll miss you." Her voice cracked. There wasn't a doubt that I would miss her too, it was like I had passed on myself through my children and onto her. She had my hair, my eyes and my emotion. There was every chance she was going to have an adventure I had. I wanted her to keep something to go along with every step of her journey.

"Go over to the drawer, and in the bottom one take out the photo album." I told her, she looked at me. "Go," I said. She got up and slowly walked over to the drawer. She opened the bottom one and took out the photo album which I hadn't touched in years. She dusted it and looked at the cover, her curious eyes looked back at me. "Bring it here," I said and she did so. She sat down where she once was and handed it to me. My hand spread across the cover, that feeling rushed into me as I closed my eyes. "You know how old this is?"

"How old?" she asked as she wiped away the rest of her tears.

"84 years old."

"Wow!" Her eyes widen as I smiled.

"It's been with me since ever since I got it in 1912," I said as I slowly began to bring myself up. Once I had, I laid my back against the head of the bed. I opened the cover. I remember the day I placed the first picture in it.

The first page was empty, but when I turned to the next I stared at the black and white picture that was a staring right back at me.

"Stay still Miss, I'm about to take the picture." I stood still as I held onto my umbrella that was firmly placed in my lace gloved hand, I held my perfect pose that was not perfected by myself. Snap! My eyes blinked at the big flash of light. "This will be in the Times Miss! Lucky one you are, being on the largest liner in the world!"

"That's the prettiest dress I have ever seen, is that you?" I looked up at her.

"Yes." That dress was one of my favorites. Black with black silk and white lace dangling down. Although it was almost impossible to breathe in it, I still loved how beautiful it made me feel.

"You were really beautiful," she said in awe. "Where were you? There's a boat behind you." I spread my thumb across the photograph, feeling how endless it was.

"RMS Titanic."

"What?!" I looked up at her, her mouth had dropped. "Are you serious?! You were on Titanic?!"

"Don't be so surprised child," I said as a smile weakly curled the corners of my lips.

"You never told me before!"

"I've never told anyone before." My fingers wandered the page as they searched for the corner, they found it and turned the page. I looked at the next photograph which was one of myself with my first child. The memories I had hidden inside my mind were for myself to remember, I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell the story, not even after this long.

"Tell me about it Grandma, please?" I felt her hand on my arm, I looked down to it then to her.

"The first time I saw it I knew my life would change in some way, but not in the way it did. They said it was going to make history for all the right reasons, no one knew how wrong that was going to be..."

_____

The automobile was surrounded by a crowd of people, lower class people as my Mother preferred to call them. It got slower and slower until finally it came to a halt. Suddenly, the man with the jet black suit and ghost white gloves opened the door, the thought of refusing to step out came to my mind. But, one of the ghost white gloves was reaching out for me to hold, of course it was utter rudeness to refuse the gesture for help. So, I regretfully took the hand and was led out.

"Anne, don't slouch." My Mother secretly prodded me in the back with her finger. I took a deep breath and straighten up with somewhat of an anger burning inside of me. I made sure that my blouse was pulled down, not revealing any unnecessary skin. As I looked up from my light cream colored dress laced with rose pink I noticed the line of lower class people, getting the hair check for lice. They were treated like rats in a City flowing with the plague. My eyes were led by the line of people and to the large ship that was just ahead of us all. And, as if it was a mountain, it looked down upon us. Smoke bellowing from the thick chimneys, the deep echo sound of its horns calling at every minute that passed.

"This is the largest Ocean Liner in the world, made for the upper class of course. Only the finest for the women." His name was Harrison Clate and he was fond of my Father and Mother, they like to call him their adopted Son, or, the man I should marry so their wealth would be invested wisely, for I was the only untrusted child they had brought into the world.

"Mr. Clate, I'm sure this Ocean Liner was built for the lower class as well, seeing as though the lower class are boarding it at this very moment. Its purpose must be greater." I slightly smirked in his direction.

"Anne, that kind of rudeness isn't needed. I'm sure the lower class can remain in the area they belong. After all, our generosity is what keeps those people alive," my Mother added. "Now come along, we must be shown to our rooms. Harrison, please make sure our luggage find their way there, too."

"Of course."

My Mother's hand invisibly dragged me along by my ear as if she was led by an attendant. We seem to fly above the large waiting crowd. They had been waiting for hours on end and we had just arrived and already we found ourselves boarding the ship with what seemed to be two steps, I felt more than horrible about it. With one step I found myself inside the ship, it felt as though a thousand horrors were creeping into my mind. I smelt the sent of fresh paint, newly placed carpet and freshly varnish wood. I knew I would hate it, and I did.

"This way Miss," a British accent called me. I followed my Mother like a well trained bread of dog, wanting to break free from the lead that had been wrapped around it. Windows and windows had gone passed, then suddenly I found myself standing alone in a crowded room in front of a magnificent staircase. I had never seen anything like it. It was like it was endless, one finely carved plank of wood wrapping around another, leading up. Swirls of gold entwined it. My chin lifted and my eyes wandered the chandelier that was just above my head. The tiniest crystals shone through the light beaming from the center, lighting up the entire room. Everything was so brand new, no finger prints had ever been made. It was as if it was perfection itself.

"Anne, stop being childish and come along." My dream like state had vanished and I found myself inside the crowded room, being suffocated by hundreds of people. Once again I was being dragged along. Stepping onto the first step of the perfected staircase, I lifted my dress and looked up, and for some unknown reason I felt like I was walking up to the gates of heaven. I would remember this moment forever. I found myself unable to step up anymore but only to walk forward, so I did. And then someone automatically opened an invisible glass door trimmed with gold.

"Thank you," I said to the young man, he nodded and smiled back.

And then there was the hallway. It was glittered with every kind of riches, those riches of course being the wealthy men and women. They spoke to each other as if they were trying to out do everyone else that walked passed them.

"This is your room, Miss." I looked at the man standing in front of me opening the door that I was pushed through.

"Anne, get ready for supper. I'll be coming in shortly to help you," my Mother informed me, putting on a fake smile as if she really did love me, she probably had some warm feeling for her Daughter, but the rest of that feeling was turned to stone by the cold touch of money.

"Yes Mother." I stepped into the room and looked around. Nothing could be more disgustingly perfect. I just hated how the window seemed as if it was lined with pure silver, how the mirror had no finger prints, how the doors were larger than the largest tree trunks, how the crimson of the seats didn't have a speck of dust upon them and how this room was was called mine.

"Through those doors is where the bed is, where you will be sleeping."

"How very interesting." I smiled as if I had no clue at all. He forced a smile and opened the large doors with the golden handles. A rather over-sized bed was perfectly fitted into the middle of the room.

"And through those doors is the washroom. I do hope this fits all of your needs Miss. Hays. Your luggage will be here soon."

"Thank you," was all I said. He left the room and I was truly alone. I felt more than alone. I was trapped, forced to be alone- a prisoner thrown in jail. I never quiet understood what my life was meant to be about, all I knew was that I couldn't stay in one place forever.

I was born in America, then moved to Canada because my Father owned a Railway and then we moved to England. My life was moving trains and ships upon the sea. My life was a rush to be some place else. I never had a choice to be where I wanted to be, the truth was, I just wanted to stay in one place for a time where I could find out where I belonged and who I belonged with. But, I didn't know how to break away and there was no one there to show me how.

"Miss. Anne?" I heard a knock at the door.

"Just a moment, please," I said as I straightened myself up. Once I had, I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. I opened the main door and saw Mr. Clate staring back at me.

"May I come in?"

"Yes." As a custom I let him in and watched as he found himself at home.

"I bought you a gift for your new journey." He had one hand behind his back and suddenly it appeared with a wooden box.

"It is kind of you, but not really necessary Mr. Clate."

"I will be offended if you didn't accept, and please, call me Harrison." He was holding the box in front of me. I hated receiving gifts for no reason at all.

"Thank you, Mr. Clate." I took the box from him and went over to the small table placed in the middle of the room. I gently sat down and opened the lid of the box. Brown leather gazed at me. I wondered what it was, so my fingers searched and took whatever it was out. It was a book, a rather large one.

"It's a photograph album, to put your photographs in. I knew you liked photography..." I smiled as I opened it, and on the very first page was; For the fond memories of your journey written in the neatest cursive handwriting. It was nice of him to give me such a gift, but acting as though he really was generous, kind and knowing? I knew this man, he wasn't real.

_____

"For the fond memories of your journey." My Granddaughter read. "You really were on Titanic," she said, grinning at me.

"But of course." I laughed, mocking how well presented I had to act along time ago.

"I can't believe it, my Grandmother, on Titanic." Just as she turned the back something fell out. I couldn't believe my eyes. "What's that?" The world around me was no longer there. My trembling hand reached for what gracefully fell onto the white sheets of my blanket. Slowly, I picked it up. My twitching fingers felt it, I closed my eyes...

I stood at the railing, nothing but the sea was ahead of me, nothing but the sea. It crashed upon the side of the boat, making waves drift out. My hair was tide back with a single string of crimson ribbon, but the wind blew and blew and the ribbon was gone. I felt the dark brown curls of my hair blow with the wind and I quickly turned around. This was the only string of ribbon that showed my favorite color. I looked around for it, but nothing, I couldn't see it.

"Miss, this blew straight to me..." A voice echo through the wind, passing straight through it and into my mind. From the planks of shining wood of the floor to the dirty boots of a man, I looked from his dirty gray pants and up to a pale hand that was holding out the ribbon, my hand reached for it and I felt his skin. My eyes looked up and there was a man that I knew nothing about. I didn't know where he was from, or where he would end up.

"I haven't seen this in years, I thought I lost it!" A tear fell from my eye as I touched it with ease. Holding onto this I knew I would always know where he was.

"It's a ribbon..."

"Yes." I couldn't take my eyes off it.

"Why's it so special?" I looked up at her questioning eyes.

"He found it for me." And I would never forget, it was a simple piece of ribbon, but it started so much.

"Who's he?"

"Katie!" My Granddaughter shot up and looked to the door where her Mother was standing. "What did I tell you about coming up here? Your Grandma needs to rest!" She got up from my bed, closing the photo album shut and placing it where it belonged.

"Tell me tomorrow, please?" she begged.

"Yes dear." I smiled.

She quickly rushed to the door, giving me one last looked before she exited. I looked at her still with that smile, she looked away and left. I looked down to the silky ribbon which was in the palm of my hand. It was once filled with the most vibrant color crimson, but now it was faded pink. It had faded color just like I had, but it was filled with so many memories...