Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

It was amazing how for the past century I had been able to wake up each morning; it was amazing after that day I was able to continue. Although I could wake up, there was never a day I didn't think about him. I could still remember his touch, the way he smelt when he'd walk passed, and, I remember that one moment, that one moment I knew there wasn't any possible way for me to forget.

He was the reason I continued waking up.

The sun shone through the white of the drapes at the window, it was a day which brought me to the realization that I needed to get out of bed and venture the world. But, my days of exploration were long gone and all I had left was to wait to leave this world and venture beyond.

I slowly lifted myself up. I brought my feet to the floor. An unexpected draft blew along my feet, as soon as I knew it I was slowly walking my pain filled legs to the closet. Almost falling to the door frame, I turned the door handle opening the closet. Holding onto both the door and the frame I slowly bent down. And underneath the decades of clothing I have kept hanging on the wrack, was a dusty suitcase hidden away. I held on as tight as I could so I wouldn't fall. I reached for the handle of the suitcase and dragged it out.

I had I opened it and there it was, lying there, untouched. It had faded color, had more rips and tears, and it had lost his scent.

"Put this on and don't take it off until you know you can."

I placed my hand gently on it, not wanting it to fade away or turn to dust. I wanted to keep it the way it was when he gave it to me. I wanted to keep that generosity, that love it resembled.

My fingers traced every corner, ever line, ever thread, ever stitch, until finally I picked it up.

"Remember every word I told you, every word is true."

I found my feet dragging along the floor until I was in front of the mirror. I found the old women I never got used to. She was looking at me. In my mind I never grew old, there were no wrinkles or gray hair, there was that young women.

"Never let go."

I looked down at his jacket, it was once black but now turned to dark gray. I put it on sleeve by sleeve and looked in the mirror, the old women had disappeared. All of the cold that shattered my body was filled with every kind of warmth. The warmth that he made me feel, the love, the truth I thought I would never know. He had given those to me.

Staring at my reflection, I had never seen myself look like this before. For the first time in my life I was free from the millions of diamonds.

"How do I look?" I asked, looking at his reflection in that same mirror. I watched as he slowly walked over. I kept watching as his eyes covered my reflection in the mirror. I felt his hands slowly wander around my waste as he began to wrapped his arms around.

"You look absolutely divine, Miss. Hays," he mocked, I laughed with him as we both kept our eyes on the two lovers inside the mirror.

"I do certainly hope this suits the conditions of our croquet game this afternoon, dear Sir." His smile turned into a grin. Then, with a simple touch from his lips, he kissed my cheek. His body pressed against my back, fitting and floating with each like clouds in the sky.

"I certainly hope it rains, so I can see you change into an attire for supper."

My eyes had opened and I saw the old women looking at me in the mirror, again. I stood for a moment, letting the youth stay in my elderly bones for a little while longer.

"I'll never forget you." One by one the sleeves slid from my arms and into the suitcase, hidden for the next century.

I was needing to go out and explore, but my body wouldn't let me. As I lay in my bed, I think of nothing but the end of the times. The sheets I had managed to cover myself with were loose, the pillow my weary head rest upon was soft, my eyes were heavy and as they closed I could feel that wind, the wind where I belonged in.

"Grandma?" I heard a gentle but alarming knock at the door.

"Come in." I creaked. The door opened wide and I saw my Granddaughter enter carrying a tray as if she was a servant.

"I brought you breakfast," she said, coming closer to me.

"Why thank you. Here, place that on the bedside table and sit. I'm not all that hungry today," I said with a smile appearing to her.

"Are you sure? You need strength. My Mom told me to say that." I laughed as she giggled as well.

"I maybe old, but I know when I'm hungry," I said.

"I know. The truth is, I came here to listen to the rest of the story." she explained with a guilty expression spread across her face.

"Well, where was I?"

"Wait, I gotta get the photo album," she said as she got up, I laughed and watched and she brought back the photo album from the place where she knew it was. She sat back down on the bed and opened it to the first page. "Okay," she began. "The ribbon, where is it?"

"Oh, yes. Would you kindly help me up?" She nodded and took my hand and supported me with the most respect. "Thank you dear," I said as I lifted the pillow from behind me, "Here it is, right where I left it. I lost it the last time because I was hiding it." I smiled as I held it out to her.

"You didn't tell me who gave it to you," she said, looking at me with her hazel eyes that pierced through my own as she took it and held it just like I had when I first received it.

"There's much more to tell first..."

____

Titanic was just about to leave the dock. Thousands of people were waving goodbye to us all, Waving goodbye to their friends, family and even strangers. Everyone on board were waving their goodbyes back. Some were cheering, others were crying and some were screaming out 'I'll be home soon!' As for me, I had no one to wave goodbye to, only the land I was hoping I would never see again for a very long time.

"Good riddance to ya!" I heard a young man yell from the empty space I was standing perfectly poised in.

"Yeah! Goodbye forever!" The young man next to him yelled.

I felt like joining them. Screaming at the top of my lungs, ridding the land I hated. But more was expected of me, the young lady in chains was never to scream or be free willed.

"Goodbye," I whispered as I branched out the umbrella to shade myself from the beating afternoon sun.

As the thousands of people got smaller and smaller, the crowd on board began to decrease as they either went back to third class below the poverty line or to their diamond glasses filled with the finest wine in all of England. For me, I stood at the back of the ship, of course I had no idea what they called it -I couldn't really care less- but, being there felt like it was where I belonged. I watched as land got further and further away, it was becoming impossible to see.

I felt that there was something wrong, as if the ship wasn't going to end up where it was meant to be. However, I thought of it not being the ship, but myself. I was going to end up where I wasn't meant to be.

"Anne?" I tore myself away from the ripping sea and turned to the voice that was calling my name.

"Hello Mr. Clate," I greeted without any enthusiasm at all.

"I was wondering where you had gotten to, we didn't see you as the ship departed." He explained.

"Oh yes, I was just admiring the view from here." There was silence as we both looked out to the unknowing ocean stretching out in front of us. I felt rather uncomfortable, it wasn't the heat or the choking of my corset but him. He made me feel that horrible feeling of not wanting to be standing there.

"Beautiful I must say." I kept my head forward as I looked at him with the corner of my eyes.

"What is?" I asked.

"The ocean. Just look at it, beauty beyond anything imaginable, beside yourself of course." I turned my head and he was searching me with his cold silvery eyes.

"No need for flattery Mr. Clate, the sea is a charming aspect to view, I am of no comparison," I told him just as I turned my head back to the subject of our conversation.

"Anne."

"Yes Mr. Clate?" I asked, not wanting to look into those confusing eyes of his which showed me his soul I didn't want to know about.

"The subject of engagement has arose with your parents and I. I am wondering if you would care to converse with me on the matter." My head began to swirl with the thought, I felt dizzy, about to faint. I was in no state of mind to even think of it.

"I must go freshen up for supper Mr. Clate, I'm sure you won't mind if we postpone this conversation until another time." I began to head in a completely different direction.

"Anne! Wait, please?!"

I ran back to the very room that imprisoned me, I felt more free in there than what I was around him or any of them. Behind closed doors I was a completely different person, there were no polite and meaningless words, just my thoughts. There was just me and my mind taking me far, far away. But It was never long before someone would crash through the doors and tie me up from a noose.

It was never going to end.

"Anne, it's your Mother. I'm coming in to see what's your attire," my Mother said, crashing through the bedroom doors. I stood in front of her and waited; "Oh Lord Anne! Not this dress, take it off and go put the baby blue one on. Maid! Maid!" She screamed.

"Yes 'Mam?"

"Please help Anna take off that old fashioned thing and help her put the baby blue one on," she ordered. "Goodness Anne, what were you thinking?" With the looked of disgust she left.

"Alright Miss. Anna, I'll help you put this one on," the maid said, preparing to chock me with a new corset.

My Mother found me once again after I had changed for the fifth time that day. She wasn't walking briskly, she was walking at the pace her new found company were walking at. They were the most wealthy people on the ship and Mother was making sure she kissed every part of their feet. As for myself, I followed her footsteps, not her actions. Although she was begging me to do so with her glare every so often.

"Anne, this is Madeleine, she is the wife of John Jacob Astor." My Mother introduced.

"A pleasure to meet you, Anne," she said with a sweet smile. She was very pretty, well trained and probably in the same chains I was in. The only difference between her and I was that she was heavily pregnant and had no way of escaping.

"Like wise, Madeleine." I concurred.

"You look ravishing tonight, Anne. This attire is much suited from the one you were wearing this afternoon." His voice whispered in my ear, it was screams to me.

"See Anne?" My Mother butted in.

"Yes, thank you."

Mr. Clate took my arm without any warning and led us both into the dinning area. The first thing my eyes saw were animals, trying to be the primate. Throwing money they didn't earn at each other. Some were trying to catch that money and others were shooting those who did.

I sat down and did nothing other than sitting, watching and waiting. Their laughter made me sick. They were all lying to each other through their pursing lips.

"So Anne, are you engaged to be married?" Madeleine asked me from across the table.

"No she's not, let's say she has a commitment to become engaged," my Mother said laughing ever so slightly.

"Oh my, at your age I was already with my first born child," another women cut in.

"It's a shame really," my Mother said, nibbling on some sort of processed fish as if she was a rat.

"Don't worry Anne, time will come," Madeleine said from a far, secretly telling me that she knew exactly how it felt.

"She's nineteen, time is running out." I turned my head to Mr. Clate, who had said that.

"I'm sure time will run out. Now, if you would all excuse me." I pushed my chair back and cut myself away from the tension.

"Anne, where are you going?"

I had to get out of there. Thousands of net had been thrown onto me and I could no longer breathe. I wasn't able to live without being ridiculed in every possible way. So, I had to run. I walked briskly out of the dinning area and found myself out on deck. I began to pick up my pace and before I knew it I was running, running as fast as I could. The weight of the shoes, the dress, the diamonds pinned to my skin were all to heavy for me to go quickly. Their words were the heaviest things to carry. I watched as my legs almost threw me across the deck of the back of the ship. I was chocking, and chocking, and chocking...

I crashed upon the railings and looked ahead. The sky had turn pitch black and little sparkles of light shone through it. My heart was aching with a pain that was filled with so much fire, so much rage and sadness that I couldn't hold on. I was sinking and all I could do was scream.

So, I screamed fear from all the anger. I screamed as loud as I could...