Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

My Mother's popularity had stunned and captured the attention of the ship's Captain. He had found his way to the very group I was following. He spoke about how the Ocean Liner was the largest in the world; how tough the steel was, how well it holds in water, and the speed. Although he did sound confident and trusting in the ship, I didn't seem to believe the words he spoke. He spoke as if the ship was flawless. Everything has flaws. To me, the only thing perfect was imperfection.

"Mr. Smith, it does seem as though there isn't enough lifeboats for all on board, what will happen to those who can't get on if the ship happens to sink?" I asked. My Mother looked at me in shame.

"Anne, your paranoia must be controlled," she said, laughing quietly along with the rest of the women dressed in diamonds. I kept my posture, waiting for Mr. Smith to answer.

"Well..." he began. "The lifeboats hold many people..."

"But will they take all?" I asked.

"Women and children first...There isn't the least bit of possibility the ship will sink my dear, she's the best built." I felt no need to ask anything else, the way he answered was enough.

Women and children? My paranoia was worse than ever. How could it only be women and children?

*

"Oh yes, my Husband is in Canada at the moment. He runs the largest railway in the country. You know men, always wanting to work." Through my blank stares I watched them casually laugh along with my Mother as they sipped on their teas and took tiny bites from the tiny forks.

"I know exactly what you mean, Margarete. My Husband is always at the mines, making sure his employees dig the finest." A women named Helen added.

"Not as fine a the money." They quietly burst into laughter. My Mother looked over in approval of her sly joke, I weakly smiled, trying to act the least bit interested. After she had looked away, so did I. My head turned to a table where a little girl dressed in white sat with her Mother. Her legs were tightly pushed together at the knees. She placed a napkin over her lap and kept her posture straight. Her Mother instructed her to do so. She taught her how to sip tea and stop breathing while sitting at the table.

It hurt me to see a young girl being taught how to stop living in a carefree way, and to start living in the money her Father was possibly throwing on top of them. She was probably wanted to be in her room playing dungeons and dragons with her dolls, instead of playing tea party with her wealthy Mother. I knew that because I was once the same...

I spent what was like an eternity just watching and listening. It was horrible, worse than horrible. It was terrifying. The thought of myself one day becoming these women, thinking about money non-stop. I wondered if it would change, if I could be sitting at a table with people I actually cared for and laughing at comments that were actually funny. But, the food that was placed before me were luxuries, I was lucky. But then again, I was wishing to not be so lucky. I didn't want everything handed to me on a silver platter; literally. I wanted to work for something then have that feeling of knowing I did something worthwhile.

"So Anne, when is the wedding?" I shot out of my thoughts and looked over to Helen, who had asked that.

"It is still to be planned, she only got engaged last night," my Mother said, smiling.

"The conversation last night at supper must have pushed the events." This time, I wasn't the only one laughing. My Mother, who looked at me in disappointment and anger was being scorned although none of them knew it.

After lunch and the scorning conversation was over, my Mother led me back to my room. I found myself once again looking up to the shinning light of the chandelier at the amazing staircase. My Mother went on and on about how ashamed she was that she was scorned at her expense. I couldn't help but smile behind her back.

Walking up the staircase I held onto the railings. My hand slid up them as I stepped each step, they were smooth. I turned my head back and I looked down. I loved the way the light from the chandelier would light the room up, and make ever aspect glitter in its glory.

My Mother had left me alone in my room. I sat in the crimson velvet covered chair. I kept pushing a thought back. I had done so ever since I walked away from him; I was foolish to think he would set me free. I didn't want to think about him anymore, there was no escape and every possible way was impossible, no matter how many times I thought of pushing myself to become determined; it was impossible. But with the thought of escape aside, something came to mind. Looking at him made me feel lighter. The way he spoke, the way he would smile and laugh, it would bring a smile to my very own lips.

I had to stop thinking about him and the impossible possibilities. I had to keep pushing him aside and remind myself that I was trapped, and the sooner I get used to it the easier it becomes. Achieving that would bring the silver platter with acknowledgment that I could achieve something...something I didn't want to achieve at all to begin with.

Pushing someone like him aside, felt as though it shouldn't be that way.

Through my thoughts a heard a knock at the door. I picked myself up and wandered over to the door. The image and hope of it being him came to mind, but as I opened the door that spark of excitement and nervousness disappeared.

"Come in Mr. Clate." He walked right in and I closed the door.

"Anne, I've come to apologize for the resent events." I looked down and began to walk back to the seat I was just sitting in. I turned to him.

"No need. I am the one that needs to apologize. I shouldn't have said those things to you in public. I apologize."

"It's alright, Anne. I know you meant none of those things," he said, moving closer to me with one hand in his pocket. I had nothing left to say, I had already said the words I hated to say to him. "I've brought you something," he began. He took his hand from his pocket and held out a tiny box with a thin crimson ribbon laced and tided around it.

"Pl-"

"-I thought that this should be done properly, please?" His eyes glared into me, forcing me to take the box. I took it from him and sat down. The box laid in the palm of my hand. The crimson ribbon struck me as the only thing I wanted. It was so simple but pretty. The way the light would hit it and make the tiny threads sparkle, it had a color I could never find on anything else. I took the end of the ribbon and pulled it, the knot came undone and I began wondering what was inside the box. I gently placed the ribbon on the table and opened the box.

"For a proper engagement there must be an engagement ring." My heart pounded with shock. A golden rind with thousands and thousands of tiny diamond littered it, with one large diamond in the middle. Sparkles of light shot out from every angel of it, almost like an explosion. It was breathing taking, but in a way which you knew you couldn't have it. It wasn't for me.

"I can't-"

"-Please, Anne..." I took my eyes away from the ring and to him as he took it and took it out of the box. He reached for my hand and held it. "Will you marry me?" I closed my eyes, a millions thoughts telling me to say no screamed. I didn't know what to do, confusion was ticking in my mind like a time bomb. I opened my eyes, he was waiting for my to answer. As the seconds passed I found myself watching him slide the ring onto my finger. "It's for you, Anne. If you accept, you shall be Mrs. Anne Clate. Please accept." My breath was caught in my through, my heart was pounding with hate for words I was about to say.

*

I lifted my hands and lifted my hair, I tied the ribbon around and made a knot, pulling it and leaving it.

I kept thinking of what to do next, how I would get myself out of it. My heart was being pulled down by anchors in my water filled longs.

I stood at the railing, nothing but the sea was ahead of me, nothing but the sea. It crashed upon the side of the boat, making waves drift out. My hair was tide back with a single string of crimson ribbon, but the wind blew and blew and the ribbon was gone. I felt the dark brown curls of my hair blow with the wind and I quickly turned around. This was the only string of ribbon that showed my favorite color. I looked around for it, but nothing, I couldn't see it.

"Miss, this blew straight to me..." A voice echo through the wind, passing straight through it and into my mind. From the planks of shining wood of the floor to the dirty boots of a man, I looked from his dirty gray pants and up to a pale hand that was holding out the ribbon, my hand reached for it and I felt his skin. My eyes looked up and there was a man that I knew nothing about. I didn't know where he was from, or where he would end up.

My mind was letting me see what I had wished for. I knew this man, and I hated to know him because he is what made everything else so hard to just accept.

"You can call me Anne," I said giving him permission. I turned around and stood against the railing, looking out to sea once again. I felt his presence linger next to me as he also looked out. My stomach felt butterfly wings, him being there made me smile.

"Is there something wrong, Anne?" I turned my head to him. His eyes darted my own in the way they do, but this time they were looking with sympathy. The light from the sunset's glow shone upon his face, making his eyes glitter even more. I held my hand out to him and opened it. Sparks of light shot up to us as the ring sat in the palm of my hand. "Holy shit..." I looked up and it with sadness filling every part of my body. "Did he...give that to you?" He questioned as I looked down to it, wanting to tighten my fists and make it disappear.

"Yes...he asked...properly...asked me to marry him."

"And what did you say?" I looked up to him, it seemed as though he hated hearing it.

"Nothing...yet. A maid came in, telling him there was somewhere important he had to be," I said, turning back and closing my fist.

"Are you going to say yes?" I knew he was still looking at me, waiting for answers I didn't know. "Anne?" It was silent, I just kept thinking of how heavy the ring was to hold and how heavy it would be to wear for the rest of my life. It was a heavy burden to carry. I looked down to the dark blue water, wondering how deep it was. It seemed as though there wasn't a bottom to this sea.

"Do you think this would float or sink?" I turned back to him. He crinkled his nose in confusion.

"What?"

"This ring," I looked down to it, making him look as well. "Do you think it would float if I dropped it in the water?" Looking up to him, I saw a grin appear.

"You're willing to drop it and watch it sink and never to be seen again, just so you could find out if it would float?" I laughed as we both looked down to the water; which showed no sign of the bottom.

"There is a possibility of it sinking..."

"You think?" We were both slung over the railing, trying to look further into the sea. I lifted myself up and looked to him.

"Yes..." He stood up and still had that grin, which was making me do the same.

"Let's make it more interesting...If it floats, you say yes to marrying him. But, if it sinks you say no," he said, looking down at the large ring I showed.

"Okay." I nodded in agreement.

"Are you sure? I mean, you'll never see it again." I looked down to it.

"I really want to know if it'll float." I gripped onto it tight, then I put my hand out. I looked back to him, his eyes were scared.

"Think about it..." He told me.

"I'm letting go..." I loosened my grip, looking at my hand and then back to him. One of my fingers let go, then another, then another..."Are you watching?" I looked back to him one more time, he was gripping to the railing looking at me. I looked back; "I'm letting go." My hand slowly opened and I watched shimmers of light slowly fall with the ring. We both quickly clung to the railing and watched as he slowly fell through the air. It hit the water, making white splashed. We waited for the splashed to disappear. I had somehow made myself think that it would float, but, we were watching the diamonds sink further and further into the dark blue water until we couldn't see it any longer.

"I can't believe you did that..."

"I guess this means the answer is no." I turned to him, he looked back. And, we both smiled. We looked back down to the sea, hoping that we could see the ring sink further but it was no longer there.

"I secretly knew it would sink," he said, making me laugh.

"Me too." I stood up as he did. There was a book he was holding under his arm. "What's that?" Curiosity made me ask.

"This?" he asked, taking it from under his arm. "It's my sketch book, I draw in it when I feel like I need to escape the world." I looked at the blank cover and then to him.

"May I look?"

"Yes, here..." I took a hold of it and turned around. I opened it to the first page, dark lines of charcoal lined it. My eyes were amazed at the curves and shades he had created of and hold man and women holding hands.

"Wow...This is...amazing. Who are they?"

"Some old couple I drew when I was on a boat to Croatia. They seem very in love, don't they?"

"Yes, they do..." My eyes couldn't help but wander ever line drawn.

"I always wonder how and old man and women could love each other even though their looks have faded away..."

"I wonder that too, sometimes," I said, looking at him as he looked at his picture. I turned the page and saw a women, a vampire women. I smiled and looked up at him.

"I was in Romania, I always wanted to go there to see if the stories were true. Y'know, Dracula..." I grinned and looked up at him. His eyes caught my own, he held a sweet smile. I looked back down.

"Did you see anything?"

"No, rather disappointing. That's why I drew that, just letting myself see what I didn't." I smiled again and turned the page. I found myself looking a perfect drawings a the men and women he had met.

"Is this your Brother?" I saw a drawing of the boy I saw yesterday. It looked exactly like him, showing how shy he was.

"Yeah, that's Mikey." I looked up at him, he kept his eyes on the drawing.

"You love him very much, I'm guessing."

"Yeah, he means a lot to me..." He said, smiling at me. With every drawing I saw I began to know more about this man. How heart felt he was, how he put thought into everything he created, how much he thought of the people and things he drew. There was one more picture I hadn't seen. I turned the page and saw this women, standing perfectly with her head turned away. There was this sadness in her eyes. That sadness was capture as if you were looking at the women in real life. Suddenly, I realized who the women was.

"Is that-"

"-You? Yeah..." I looked up to him, he was grinning. I looked down and grinned, wondering why he had drawn it. "The day the ship left dock, I saw the women, she was standing so perfectly, as if nothing was wrong. But, what I saw was this young lady, wanting to jump of the ship and swim back to the dock. She looked fine, but I wanted to show that maybe she wasn't. Actually, I wanted to me her." His words had captured me as much as the drawing did. When I looked up to his eyes, he captured me even more so.

"You did..." I said, looking back down in fear of letting the butterflies explode. At the corner of the page I saw writing.

"Unwilling to stay." I read. "This is all rather flattering, drawing me as if I was about to cry," I said, he laughed.

"You can draw me if you like...Draw me as a horrible and disgusting man, payback for me drawing you all sad." I laughed as I looked up to him. He dug through his pockets a held out charcoal. I grinned and took it, turning it to a new page.

"You can keep this as a memory of me," I said, laughing as I began to draw.

"I think I'll remember you anyhow." I didn't look up. I just wonder how he could say things that brought a sense of purpose to me.

"I don't draw that well, so don't laugh." I heard him laugh anyway.

"Don't worry." The first thing I drew was his face, his grin and his eyes. I drew his hair in his eyes and then I drew his suit. I felt his breath go down my neck as he looked down at my rather pathetic drawing. "I do believe I have five fingers on each hand and I wear shoes..." I spat laughter.

"I'm trying, Mr. Way." I had finished it and handed the book to him. I watched has he looked down at it, his smile grew into a grin.

"The spiting image of me." I laughed.

"Oh wait! I have to give it a title!" I took it back and quickly wrote something down. I gave it back and waited for him to read.

"Unwilling to leave..." His eyes slowly looked up and me. He had a smile gazing at me. "Hand me the charcoal." I gave it back. He quickly turned to a new page and began to draw.

"What are you drawing?" I tried to look but he hid away.

"You can't look yet." I laughed.

"Please?"

"Not yet," he said, looking up from the paper and grinning. I stood and waited. I watched as his hand covered the paper, drawing quick lines. My eyes once again led me to his face. The dark glow of the sun hitting his skin. His eyes darted the page and pieces of his hair fell into his eyes. His lips would curled up every time he drew a line.

"Can I look now?" I asked, trying to sneak my eyes onto the page.

"Nooo," he hid. I forced myself through him, but couldn't get passed. He laughed as I continued to try.

"Okay, okay. I shall wait."

"Wait, almost done." He quickly drew something else and hand it to me. I gave him one last look as he looked at me. I turned to the page and looked down. My eyes traced the lines. There was a women and a man, holding hands and looking at each other, about the kiss. It wasn't perfected, but that was what made it perfect. My eyes looked down at the corner of the page, my heart blew out into sparks.

Can this be us?

I dragged my eyes from the drawing and to him. He was still looking at me, my heart was beating fast. There was only one thought in my mind. He took a step closer. I was finding it hard to breath. His eyes kept on mine, darting to ever aspect of my features.

My fingers gripped the book tighter. His hand slowly came to my cheek, his fingers glided across my skin like ice, until the total warmth of his crept upon my cheek. It was the warmest touch I had ever felt, it was as if he hand sent little sparks flying onto my skin. I couldn't stop looking into his eyes, they showed the darkest and light of colors. He got closer and closer, looking down then up. Until, I closed my eyes just had I could his breath gently blow. Seconds and seconds of forever waiting and then...I felt the slightest touch of his lips upon mine.

I was so scared, I thought my heart would jump out. His lips began to send electricity through my body has they firmly pressed. It was indescribable the way the touch of his lips felt, the way his hand would slowly move to my neck, the way he his skin felt, the way it was making me feel. Without even thinking my hand slowly and nervously moved up to his hand that was upon my neck. The feel of his skin, how I could feel the bumps of his veins, it was like silk that you would run your fingers through. I laced my fingers with his, his fingers tightened and they connected with mine like magnets unable to separate. My lungs no longer felt the need to breathe. Knowing that he was kissing me, was the amazing part.

My heart had rested, knowing that his touch could make everything else around us disappear. His lips would move along with my own slowly...making sure it would last longer than it seemed. Until, he slowly began to break away.

I never wanted to let go...