Infinite

I went to my first MCR concert when I was sixteen, in Newark. I stood in the front row, getting crushed against the steel barrier. But it was worth it. I had been saving up to go to that show for months and since no one wanted to go with me, I went alone. I queued for sixteen hours and when the concert ended I was so tired I couldn’t stand, but I was the happiest girl in the world.

I’ve seen them twice after that, but that first show changed me so dramatically that I can hardly remember the others. It was my first MCR show that made me want to be in a band for real.

I tuck my backstage pass inside my shirt as I make my way into the crowd. What’s the point in being at a festival if you can’t see any of the bands? I’ve already missed The Killers, Damien Rice, and Bright Eyes so I thought a Norwegian MCR crowd might be a fun experience. I can’t understand a word they’re saying but they look kind of similar to the MCR crowd in the US, so I don’t feel too out of place. I manage to get a pretty good spot a bit to the right of the stage. MCR are coming on in thirty minutes, according to the schedule.

I sit down on the grass, trying to find something to occupy myself with until the show starts. Forty minutes later, when I’ve texted Gerard five times and scored higher than ever before on QuadraPop, people start to scream by the stage. I get up and brush the dirt off my knees.

This Is How I Disappear is their first song, and I feel like I’m sixteen again – God, that makes it sound like I’m eighty or something, remembering my youth. When they carry on with Give ‘Em Hell, Kid, I make my way into the semi-mosh pit that has started to form and suddenly I’m covered in sweat from Norwegian teenagers.
This is like an emotional flashback.

This is the band that helped me through high school. These are the lyrics I listened to when I was depressed, or happy, or mad, or jealous.

This is the band that made me love music.

And Gerard, the man who’s running around up there talking about how you shouldn’t act out in violence, is the man that I’ve fallen in love with.

And I’m so incredibly scared, because how on earth can anyone ever love me back?

Sleeping in a moving vehicle is also a new experience, but I’m still dead tired from flying across the Atlantic so I don’t have any trouble sleeping. I don’t even wake up when the driver makes an unexpected turn which apparently throws Ray out of his bunk.

At seven A.M., I’m woken by the absence of Gerard next to me, and people talking. The bus has stopped and my sleepy mind tells me we’re probably in Sweden.

I pull on my sweatpants and try to flatten my hair a bit before making my way to the living room area. The gathered are Matt, who’s leaning on the counter talking to Gerard who’s leaning on the other counter, Frank and Bob who are busy playing Guitar Hero in the living room area, and Ray, who gives me a “’morning, Aubrey” before returning to watching Bob kick Frank’s ass on the Playstation. Gerard hands me a cup of coffee and puts his arm around my waist as I lean against the counter next to him.

“Good morning,” he says smiling, kissing my cheek.

“Hey. What’s happening today?”

“Well, we’re in Gothenburg and we’re playing here tonight… Until then there’s a soundcheck at eleven and I think meeting some fans who won some contest. And whatever you wanna do.”

I take another shower and then make my way back to the bus to get ready. Today’s outfit consists of my beloved black skinny jeans, a Dawn of the Dead t-shirt and my chucks, as usual. The bus is empty but there is a backstage pass on the table with a post-it next to it. Interviews and soundchecks… feel free to check out the area!! I’ll give you a call when we’re done, xoxo G

With the backstage pass around my neck, I make my way outside. To my left is where I came from, where the showers and stuff are, and to my right is the rest of the parking lot, with lots of tour buses in it. I walk around the bus and see water. Apparently, we’re at the docks.

I decide to explore the area some more and start walking towards the stages, two pretty big ones that are set up right next to each other. The only people around are staff and people who probably are musicians, but I don’t recognize any of them. The barriers are being set up in front of the stages and I walk out between them, where a kind of road separates the stage areas from each other. On the left stage, The Sounds are doing their soundcheck, and I make a mental note to make sure to see their show later.

After being told off by a security guard for being “in the way”, I venture back to the bus where I find Gerard putting out his cigarette and calling me – he spins around, pretty surprised, as You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison goes off in my pocket behind him.

“Hello?” I say, picking up, and turn my back to him.

“Uh… Aub?”

“Uh, Gerard?”

“I’m right behind you.”

“I know.”

“You’re a very strange girl."

“I know. You’re a very strange guy.”

“I know.”

There is a slight pause, in which Gerard hangs up and puts his arms around my waist. He takes the phone from my hand and puts it back into my pocket, and turns me to face him. I grin and kiss him.

“You’re weird,” he says, and kisses me back. “But you know what, that’s just why I like you so much.”
“The only reason you like me so much?”

“No, I like you because you’ve got red hair and a nice t-shirt,” he says, smiling, but his face suddenly grows serious. “I like you because you make me smile. I like you because of the way you look at the world, and because you’re so fucking beautiful it’s unfair.”

I’m not even sure I’m breathing anymore. He has told me I’m beautiful before, but there’s something in the way he says it this time that makes me believe him.
The thing is that I’ve never really thought about it that way before. It was just something that had happened and somewhere in my mind, I couldn’t really believe that he was with me because of my looks or my personality. Somewhere, I thought it was because he felt kind of sorry for me. It sounds strange, but my mind doesn’t always cooperate.

“A, what’s wrong?” Gerard asks, concerned – apparently, I’ve spaced out. I look at him, into his gorgeous eyes that I never even dreamed of being able to look into like this, and put my hand to the side of his face. And then his breath is on my face and my lips are on his and God, this man is a good kisser – I practically lose sense of space and time until I’m pressed up against the side of the bus that is facing the water, his hands roaming my body and my hands tangled in his hair.
His left hand suddenly disappears under my t-shirt, but that’s when someone dumps a bucket of ice cold water over him.

“What the…?!”

Behind us, Bam Margera is preparing his escape while Frank and Ray are standing to the side, laughing. I might have joined them if I wasn’t soaking wet and prepared to kill whoever interrupted us.

“You looked like you needed some cooling off!” Bam says to his defense, grinning. “You got a bit carried away, we’ve been standing here for ages trying to figure out how to make you detach from each other…”

Gerard sighs and looks at me, pleadingly.

“He’s insane,” he says, putting his forehead on my shoulder like he’s just lost all faith in humanity. I can’t help but smile and stroke his hair.

“It’s okay. This is kind of like our first date!"

Gerard's hair is plastered to his forehead. He kisses me once more before turning to face Bam.

“Any last words?” he says, and Bam cowers behind Frank but is immediately pushed to be in front of him instead.

“Fucking traitor, Frank,” he says, receiving a smirk from said guitarist. Bam looks at Gerard with an innocent face. “Well, Gee, you might wanna introduce me to your girlfriend before you kill me.”

“Well… Aubrey, this is Bam." (Like I didn’t already know.) "Bam, this is Aubrey Walker.”

Bam walks up to shake my hand, and just as we’ve exchanged pleasantries like “nice to meet you”, Bam’s wife appears from the direction of CKY’s bus. She gives mine and Gerard’s soaking appearances a knowing look before shaking my hand.

“I’m Missy,” she says. “Sorry about Bam.”

A few months ago I would have been absolutely starstruck at the sight of the Margera couple, but now I even manage to relax in their company.