Infinite

There really is nothing better than the rush of going on stage. You never get used to it – and now, when a whole club has been filled with people just because we’re there, it feels kind of unreal.

They know every word of Detention, they dance to In My Head and during Yesterday, I can see tears glistening in the dim light. Yesterday was one of the first songs we ever wrote, and it has always been the same – with just me, an acoustic guitar and Noel on bass. I can’t really embrace the fact that the people in the crowd actually look up to me, just as I used to look up to the people on stage. Like I used to look up at Gerard and think that I’d never get that far.

But I’m here. We’re not as big as MCR, but we are allowed to make a living out of this and that’s enough for me.

Pete and Joe are here tonight, somewhere, as they are in town and haven’t seen us perform in a while. They came in just as we were getting ready, and I got this strange feeling of déjà vu, seeing Pete and performing in NYC. It makes me think about Gerard, which gives me the state of mind I need to sing Yesterday, but it also makes me want to get off the stage and go back to the apartment, crawl up in my bed and sleep until the feeling disappears.

Pete found out about the breakup about a week after that phone call, when he called “because he missed me” and wanted to know how we were doing on the Warped Tour. I wasn’t doing very good.

“A, listen to me", he’d said when I was done explaining. "You do not, under any circumstances, break up with the person you love by phone. It’s like the first rule there is."

He sounded really upset, and I was glad I had him. I still am. Pete is like an older brother, and the rest of Fall Out Boy are like my crazy cousins.

The crowd here is great, and being on stage makes me look forward even more to touring the US again. Warped was fantastic even if we had to cancel the last of our shows.

As always it’s over too soon, but I’m also relieved since I’m sweating in my hoodie. We have a group hug backstage, drink some water, and do our usual post-show routines. Pete and Joe show up to make dinner plans before getting ready to leave.

“Hey, isn’t that…” Noel is looking over my shoulder while we’re stepping out on the street.

“Isn’t that who?” I ask, starting to turn my head but getting interrupted by Pete who suddenly takes an interest in taking hold of my hand and turning me in the other direction.

“Aubrey, I needed to talk to you about the tour,” he says, but I can sense there’s something wrong. Taking my hand back, I turn my head just in time to see a blur of Gerard disappearing through the crowd. A quick glance in my direction, but he's too far away for me to see his facial expression. And then he's gone.

My blood freezes. At least it feels that way.

What the fuck is he doing here?

“What the fuck was he doing here?” Karl says. Everyone saw Gerard and are now looking at me, holding their breath.

What am I supposed to do? Break down crying? It’s worse than that. It’s grief, but not the kind that brings tears – it tears me up inside instead. I fake a smile, and I know that they see right through it but I really don’t care.

“I’m okay,” I say. “Really, I am,” I continue when I see the sympathy in their eyes. “There are worse things than catching a glimpse of your ex.”

My ex. I never thought of Gerard as my ex before, it would have felt like a diminishment of everything he has meant to me. He’s not just my ex, he’s… Gerard.

And for me, right now there’s nothing worse than catching a glimpse of Gerard.

Who was I to believe that I was okay?

I have no idea what he has been up to. He might be married for all I know, since the people around me avoid his name like the plague and will go to any measures to keep news about him out of my way. They think I don’t notice, but I do. It got kind of obvious when Noel insisted on scanning through an issue of Kerrang! before handing it to me. I was both touched and irritated.

I used to be able not to care, and for a while I managed to pretend that he didn’t even exist. There were always the small reminders, like the scars and the photo on the cover of some magazine, but I managed to block it out.

Now I don’t want to.

It takes me five minutes after I’ve gotten home to locate his latest achievements on the internet. Karl is in the shower which leaves me with at least twenty minutes of research.

I know I shouldn’t be doing this.

I don’t know why he went to see us tonight, or how he got backstage. I don’t know what he thought when he saw me but I desperately wanted it to be something along the lines of “oh, how I regret my decision to break up with that wonderful girl” and then I wanted him to run towards me and pick me up and twirl me around so we could have that happily ever after ending that we’re supposed to have.

Thanks a lot, brain.

The first thing I look up is whether he’s single or not. He is. There were some rumors about some bass player, but they turned out to be nothing, and I find myself extremely relieved.

Should I be?

I haven’t googled my name in a long time, but when I do it now and put it with Gerard’s name, I get a bunch of hits on our relationship, as well as our breakup. Some fans are relieved, some are sorry and some feel it’s unnecessary to talk about our personal life. I can’t find any interviews concerning me, only the one where Gerard briefly mentions that we broke up. I’m thankful that he always is the secretive person I know him to be, but now I just feel frustrated. Why can’t there be just a small hint that he misses me? Why does he seem not to care at all?

I stop at a picture of me and him, on one of the many fan forums. It’s from a sunny Barcelona, a few hours before their show and we’re walking along the busy street, him with a funny sun hat we found in a street booth. We’re holding hands and looking extremely happy, like any other happy couple.

I quickly shut the screen of my laptop when Karl emerges from the bathroom.