Infinite

Tempe Beach Park Amphitheater is the first stop on this leg of the tour, and it’s a beautiful, warm night as we enter the stage on March 28. I’m tempted to say that I’m getting used to this, but that would be an overstatement. I have to tell the guys to hit me if I ever get used to thousands of people screaming when we show ourselves on stage.

“Hello Tempe!” I say into the microphone, as the guys adjust their instruments and prepare to play our opening song, Reachers. They cheer in response and I feel on top of the world – this is were I belong.

"We’re Infinity!" I say, and I hear my own voice amplify over the crowd. I introduce the guys, and myself, and smile and point it out to Karl as a pair of girls on the front row holds up their home-made sign saying "We <3 Karl".

Yes, this is who I am. This is at least a part of me, and I like this Aubrey far better than the one off stage. I like this more than being close to Gerard, constantly worrying about what he’s thinking or wondering if he even cares, even if he said he does.

Our six-song set ends too soon, and we meet Mikey and Ray on our way backstage. They’ve probably watched us, but I’ve been too focused on the performance to notice.

“You guys were awesome,” Mikey beams as the guys and I get our water bottles from a roadie. “You’ve really evolved as a band since the last time I saw you.”

“Thanks,” Hunter says, out of breath

Ray pats my back as I’m taking a swig of water.

“You’ve changed a lot, haven’t you?” he says, as Frank joins Mikey to talk to the others. At my confused look, Ray continues: “Like, before you were this really happy girl on stage who loved doing this,” he makes a gesture in the direction of the stage, “but now you’ve got this… I don’t know, depth.”

I smile.

“Is that bad?”

“No, absolutely not,” Ray replies, shaking his head. “But there’s definitely a difference. Maybe that’s what makes you so special.”

I shrug. I guess he’s right. I’ve already had the feeling that I’ve changed a lot during the last year, but I didn’t know it showed that much on stage.

“That’s what heartbreak does to you, I guess.”

“Yeah, you’ve gotta thank Gee for that sometime.”

I laugh at this, and it’s not until a few minutes later that I realize what I’ve actually been able to laugh at.

The night is still warm when we finally get to our hotel, but I’m tired and tense and shivering as we make our way to our room. Noel and I are sharing, and he practically throws himself on the bed and is snoring softly within minutes. I, on the other hand, can’t sleep despite the fact that my whole body is exhausted. I leave Noel and step out on the balcony overlooking the pool, and for a moment while leaning against the balcony railing I think about the fact that I could probably jump into the pool from here. If it hadn’t been five floors down, that is.

I have no idea what to expect from this tour. Sure, our fan base is bound to grow and supporting a band this big is a great experience. But knowing me, I’ll probably mess things up with Gerard around. I’ll blow things out of proportion like I always do.

There’s almost no wind, so when someone lights their cigarette on the balcony below, I notice it by the smell. Cigarettes was about the only thing that used to separate me from Gerard. I didn’t mind him smoking, because almost every other person I know also smokes, but I wouldn’t go outside with him every time either.

Just as I’m about to head inside to at least try to avoid passive smoking (I get enough of that as it is), I hear Frank’s voice from below.

“They were good today,” he says, and I don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who he’s talking to.

“Yeah,” Gerard says. I can almost picture him leaning against the railing, like I’m doing, and I quickly take a step back to avoid being seen. I know I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but this may be the only time I’ll be able to be near Gerard without the horrible awkwardness that is our constant companion these days. I don’t really know what to say to him anymore, not since he gave me that necklace and simultaneously tore down what little hope I had concerning us.

“She’s changed a lot, hasn’t she?” Frank continues when Gerard doesn’t, and gets “mhm” in reply. They are both silent for a moment, and I try not to make too much noise when breathing. My heartbeats are pounding in my ears, but I barely notice.

“There’s this edge to her now,” Gerard finally says, sounding distant. “I mean, she was great before but now she’s really got her own thing. It’s amazing.”

“Yeah, I know,” Frank agrees. “Are you two… you know, talking?”

“Of course we’re talking.”

“To each other?”

I can hear Gerard sighing before he replies.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s pretty complicated, you know?”

Frank doesn’t say anything, and I have no idea what he might be thinking. I have the suspicion that the people around us are growing tired of this constant situation, of the unchanging awkwardness.

“I gave her my gran’s necklace for her birthday,” Gerard then says, barely loud enough for me to hear.

“What?”

“Yeah, and I could see it in her eyes, you know? She thought something was up. So I told her that the necklace was all there was to it.”

“Fuck, Gee. You’re not making this easy for her.”

My whole body is tense. It’s so surreal standing here listening to them talking about me, and a part of me knows I shouldn’t.

“I know. Like I haven’t hurt her enough already. I just wanted her to have it, gran would’ve loved Aubrey.”

“You’re insane.”

“Yeah, nothing new there.”

There is another moment of silence, before Frank says:

“She’s been a wreck, Gee. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

When Gerard doesn’t reply, I hear Frank walking across the balcony back into the room. Gerard stays outside for a few more minutes, and even though there’s no way he could know I’m there, it feels like we’re sharing this moment. A starry night in Tempe, Arizona, with almost one and a half months left of touring together.

No, it’s not going to be easy at all.