Infinite

When we get to the hotel, it’s almost one in the morning. We were lucky to catch a flight to Newark with such short notice, but the flight took almost five hours and we didn’t arrive until late in the afternoon. I’m probably exhausted, but I haven’t realized it yet. Gerard is sitting on one of the beds and is on the phone with Brian, and I can hear the manager’s determination despite not being able to make out the exact words.

"Hey, Brian, she’s just lost her mother, for fuck’s sake. I can’t… But… Do you think you could have some sympathy, at least? What? Yeah, Karl is here, I know…"

At last, he hangs up, and I look at him already knowing what Brian said. Gerard sighs, frustrated.

"He wants me to take the first flight back tomorrow. No discussion. I’m sorry, A."

"Don’t worry about it", I say, trying not to sound too disappointed. "You can hardly blame him."

Derek took one look at me and immediately cancelled our supporting act for a week, "to begin with". But since the tour finale is next Friday in Madison Square Garden, I kind of figured that he hopes I’ll be okay by then. He never said it out loud, but he’s been going on about that particular tour date since we joined as supporting act. "Back to where it all began", as he put it. I can’t deny that I don’t want to miss out on playing at that particular venue; I mean, what kid hasn’t dreamt about being met by a roaring Madison Square Garden? Right now all of it feels so far away, though.

"Still, I just…" Gerard covers his face with his hands for a moment. "I wanna be here for you, y’know?"

"Hey, it’s okay." I sit down next to him on the questionable bedspread. "You knew what my mom was like. I’m not such a mess right now, am I?" I attempt to smile, and he attempts to smile back, and it kind of feels good to be alive for just a moment.

"I’ll stick around, too", Karl says. "We can go pay Red a visit to blow off some steam." He grins at me at this, and I scrunch my nose at the thought of our old drummer.

"Is he still in town?"

"Last I heard, he was."

Karl decides to go to sleep not long after that. It is late, after all, but I still don’t feel tired. I’ve probably pushed the boundaries too far, and wouldn’t be able to sleep now even if I tried.

"I’m going for a walk", I announce, and to my surprise, Gerard doesn’t question me. He just grabs his hoodie and follows me out the door.

"Needed the air", he shrugs.

"I didn’t ask." I’m as surprised as he is when I squeeze his arm lightly. "I’m just glad you’re here."

He gives me a look that I can’t quite interpret, and we leave the hotel in silence. It’s a warm night, but it’s a Thursday so there aren’t that many people about. Downtown Madison never had much action to begin with. The usual drunks are hanging out in the park, and it almost feels like if I never left.

I point out my old high school to Gerard, and he asks if I regret leaving. I have to think about it for a minute.

"I don’t regret leaving Madison", I say. "I don’t regret any of that. But I guess I could have waited until I had my diploma. Life would probably feel a bit better then. I mean, I don’t exactly feel like going to college, but if Infinity doesn’t work out… I guess it would have been nice to have options."

God, a year ago I would have hit myself over the head for saying that.

Gerard smiles at me sideways, and says:

"You know, sometimes I forget that you’re so young." I try not to take offense, but he probably senses that I have. "Hey, you were still in high school when we met. A lot of people would call that weird."

"I know. A lot of people did call that weird. I never thought it was, though."

"Me neither. At first." Ouch. Gerard takes a deep breath. "I just wanted to say that it’s getting clearer to me how much you’ve… grown? Er, sorry, that’s a really bad word for it."

"No, I get it. As long as you don’t mean that I’ve gotten taller," I say, smiling. Gerard laughs at this, and my heart suddenly feels tighter in my chest. Every emotion I’ve ever had concerning him is suddenly there with nowhere to go.

"You know, it’s not impossible to finish high school later on", Gerard says, apparently unaffected by my sudden bout of emotions. "I mean, if you’d like the options. I never regretted going to college, either."

"You’re probably right", I manage to say, and Gerard seems to realize that I don’t have the energy to talk about my nonexistent college plans and drops the subject.

It doesn’t occur to me where I’m going until we’re standing by the police tape in front of the blackened remains of my childhood home. Most of the house is still there, but even in the dim glow from the streetlights, it’s apparent that the house is beyond saving. Most of the windows of the two-story building are broken, and the kitchen windows are just gaping holes. That’s where the fire started. It’s a miracle that Jamie and Elliott even got out of there, or so the police told me.

I take Gerard’s hand. It doesn’t mean anything other than what we make it out to be, and right now I need him to hold my hand.

"I never even called her", I say, more quietly than I would have liked. "I never even told her I was okay."

"She could just google your name, right? I’m sure she new you were doing fine", Gerard says.

"Yeah, but still…"

"Hey, she was your mom", Gerard says, bordering on sternly. "Not the other way around. If she had wanted to, she could have gotten in touch. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean she gets a free pass."

He’s right. I know he’s right, even though his words sound harsher than he probably intended.

"Moms are supposed to support you", I say, and for the first time today, I feel the tiredness sweeping over me. It’s the same kind of tired as when Noel and Karl found me in the tour bus all those months ago, only deeper in some way. "Right? Moms are supposed to tell you they love you despite everything, even when you meet thirty-year-old musicians and run away from home." I try to smile at him, but there are too many memories there. "Even if they think it’s wrong, they should love you. But she never even called. She never even… she hadn’t told me that she loved me in years."

I don’t even register my voice breaking. Gerard doesn’t say anything more; he just puts his arms around me and lets me cry.