Infinite

Karl and I make our way to the hospital again the next morning, after we’ve said goodbye to Gerard. I would really like to be in the cab with him on my way to the airport right now, but at the same time, I really need to see Elliott and Jamie. There’s just so much we need to work out, and then there’s the funeral to take care of. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never even been to a funeral.

And Gerard has invaded my head again; it’s like he never left. After we got back to the hotel last night, there was an awkward moment when I didn’t know if it was okay to get changed in front of him. I’m so used to the guys in the band seeing me half-naked all the time, but I had no I idea whether or not Gerard would think it was weird. And after deciding that I didn’t care because I was too tired, I realized that Karl had wrapped himself in the only blanket provided on the queen-sized bed that we were supposed to share.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed wearing only my underwear and a tank top when Gerard emerged from the bathroom.

"What’s wrong?"

He had just taken a shower and was wearing only his boxers and a t-shirt. His hair had curled slightly at the ends from the water, and I suddenly felt self-conscious about my appearance. I had showered that morning, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. My hair was a mess, but on the other hand, it had been a mess for several months.

"Karl hogged the sheets", I said quietly, trying not to wake Karl up even though I would have to eventually if I wanted some part of that blanket. Gerard smiled at me, and a million thoughts flew threw my head before he said:

"We can share. You know I’m not a hogger."

"No, but you know I am, right?"

"Yeah, and I survived before, didn’t I?"

I don’t know if it was the tiredness or the way he smiled at me, but I didn’t protest. I just went over to his bed and climbed under his sheets – ordinary, stale hotel sheets smelling of detergent. Thirty seconds passed before Gerard joined me, but I was already falling asleep by then. The last thing I remember before falling asleep is the bed shifting as he lay down beside me, so far away that he didn’t touch me, but close enough for me to know that if I just reached out, he would be there.

The next thing I remember is gasping for breath, panicking as I tried to get away from the flames in my nightmare. Jamie. Get Jamie out. Get her out now.

I was drenched in sweat, but still, Gerard was there, holding me close and whispering in my ear.
"It’s just a nightmare, A. You’re alright, I’ve got you."

I can still feel him holding me as Karl and I get into the elevator. Karl still hasn’t asked why I slept in Gerard’s bed, but perhaps he doesn’t have to. I’ve showered and I’m wearing clean clothes, but Gerard is still there, making my heart skip a beat every time he comes to mind. I feel like I’m intoxicated and filled to the brink with grief at the same time. Like the worst roller-coaster in the world.

Linda and Thea are already with Elliott and Jamie when we get there. Elliott is sitting on Thea’s lap, talking animately about his elephant while Thea does her best to keep up. Linda is helping Jamie pack. A shiny new backpack with the tags still on is lying on the bed, and I wonder if any of the stuff from the house was salvageable.

"Oh, hi!" Linda says when she sees us. "I’ve talked to the doctor, and they’re ready to be discharged." She is smiling, but then bites her lip as if she has suddenly realized something. "Of course, we’ll need to sit down and talk about this. Now that we’ve all had some rest, I mean."

"Yeah, that’d be good."

Jamie looked up at us when we entered the room, but has now gone back to not meeting my gaze. She looks a bit better, though. I wonder who did her French braid and realize that it must be Linda, who is sporting the same hairstyle. I’ve never known how to make French braids.

I leave the room with Linda while Thea and Karl stay with the kids. I don’t know if Jamie remembers Karl, but the odds are that she’ll probably rather talk to him than me anyway.

"Obviously, we want you to be a part of the kids’ life as much as possible", Linda says when we sit down in the visitor’s lounge. "I know it’s far away, but I gather that you’re kind of used to traveling?"
She smiles at me knowingly, and I probably look surprised because she says: "Oh, Thea likes your music. And she listens to My Chemical Romance all the time in the car. I have to tell her to switch once in a while."

"Oh, right. Thanks." I smile back, feeling awkward. "Gerard had to go back this morning, we’re supposed to be on tour with them, but…" Linda nods in silent understanding at this. "So yeah, I’m used to traveling. And it’s like… I love New York, but I’ll probably start looking into moving to the west coast."

As I hear myself say this, I realize that it’s not even something I have to think about. Of course I’ll move, if it means being closer to Elliott and Jamie. Even if Jamie never speaks to me again, leaving her again is not an option.

I don’t really know how to break that particular fact to the band, though.

Linda looks surprised, but pleased.

"That’d be wonderful. You’re always welcome at our place." She looks at me again, as if she’s thinking about saying something. Finally, she says: "I know this is going to sound strange, but…" There’s that apologetic face again. "Thea and I… well, we always wanted kids. And while this tragedy is obviously not something we wished for, we’re so incredibly happy to be able to be there for your siblings. I just want you to know that."

I don’t know what to say, but there is suddenly a lump in my throat.

"You’ll probably be able to give them a better life than I ever could", I say, at last. And I believe that. What life could I give them? When Gerard broke up with me, I didn’t get his talk about being able to be young, to not rush into things. But there’s a part of me now that is so relieved by the fact that I don’t have to take full responsibility for my siblings. I’ve buried it deep, and even touching this subject makes my chest hurt from the shame. I want to be there for them, and I want to be able to take them to school and put them to bed and get to know them again, but I don’t want to do it alone. I don’t want to leave everything I have behind.

And when I look at Linda, I think that she understands at least a part of that. She smiles, and to my surprise, she reaches across the table to squeeze my hand.

"I think that you just need to be their big sister, honey. It’s not your job to think about anything else."